I’d made it to the edge of the bed before we somehow found ourselves spread across the entire thing, tangled up in each other and talking about Kieran’s earliest memory training with knives.
He was three and had already been training before that.
And I thought my parents were crazy.
A pang hit where my chest was already aching.
Momma.
I have to go. I have to leave.
Kieran’s muscled body stretched over mine to grab one of the smaller knives he’d been showing me a trick with, and my body automatically responded by arching against him.
Stop me from leaving.
Kieran groaned and dipped his head to bite my shoulder, his hips grinding against my butt, his thick length teasing where I was still bare.
A whimper escaped my lips and I lifted my hips to meet him.
Take control, I silently begged. Fight the demon that’s waiting for me.
“Jesus, you’re going to be the death of me,” he whispered against my skin then sat on his knees to run his hands over my back.
The light weight of the knife settled on my spine as his hands continued to race down, down, down.
He gripped my butt and ran his thumbs over that forbidden place, making me shiver with heat and forcing a plea from me.
“Fuck, Jessica.” His thumbs teased me once more before he scooped up the knife and pulled me up so I was kneeling with him. His mouth went to my ear, his voice low and husky. “One day, I’m taking this.”
His promise was emphasized by the slightest pressure of his erection against me. A bone-deep shudder ripped through me, and I might have whimpered. My legs trembled as his seductive words replayed in my mind.
I wanted to shy away from the thought, and I wanted to beg him not to wait for another day.
I gripped his hair and arched my body. My heart racing from my nervousness and anticipation.
He grabbed my hand, brought it around to press a kiss to my palm, and pressed the other flat to my belly, bringing my body flush with his. “We’ve experimented with your demons enough today.”
The air fled from my lungs in a rush as disappointment coursed through me.
His mouth ghosted down my arm and over the marks he’d left. “I’m sorry.”
I knew from the depth of his apology that it was for the bruises and not the tease.
My head shook in wonder and amusement.
Glancing over my shoulder, I joked, “You know, for someone so terrifying and murderous, you’re probably the most apologetic guy I’ve ever met.”
Despite the lightness of my tone, he stilled. His eyes met mine and searched them as that calm fury stole across his features.
“I never was,” was all he said before he released me and climbed off the bed.
“Wait,” I turned and reached for him, grazing the tips of his fingers as he moved from me without looking back. “Kieran.”
A shudder rippled through his muscled back when I said his name, but still he didn’t turn as he reached his dresser and pulled out a pair of shorts.
I wrapped the discarded sheet around my body so it was covering my breasts and stood from the bed but didn’t move toward him.
I’d never had a problem with wanting to cover my body, but Kieran had a way of making me feel more exposed than being naked ever could.
Damn vulnerabilities.
Damn my heart.
Damn him.
“Tell me what I said that was so wrong.”
For nearly a minute, he stood there with his back to me, slowly rolling the small blade across his fingers before he tossed it on the dresser.
“I can’t remember apologizing to her for anything. Ever. Except maybe at the very end.” His voice was soft and dark and held an ache that I felt deep in my chest. “It nearly destroyed me when I lost her, and she was an assignment.” He looked over his shoulder, his expression guarded. “But you? I wanted to hate you and I couldn’t.”
I tried to ignore the way it felt like a hole was opening up inside me. Because this was going to end badly.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
He turned fully to look at me, his chest rising and falling heavily. “I apologize because I’ve never been more aware of how much I’m hurting someone. I’ve never been more aware of how much danger I’m putting someone in. All I know is how to hurt people, and I’m terrified of hurting you.” He looked at me with a tortured expression. “You think I’m only afraid of what’s inside me? Jessica, I’m fucking terrified of losing you.”
A stuttered breath ripped from my chest. “Kieran . . .”
He raked his hands over his face and shook his head. “And the fucked-up thing is, I already know I will.”
How could he—
He couldn’t.
“You tell me what I need to know, but you’re still so guarded. You disappear like you need to remind me that I can’t hold on to you.” He took measured steps to where I stood, stopping a breath from me. “I know I can’t.”
He didn’t reach for me.
He didn’t turn me.
He just stood there trembling as a look of anguish filled his eyes. “It’s instilled in me to protect. But I have no doubt protecting you would push you away, so I’ve been trying to give you every reason to want to stay. And I still manage to fuck up every day with you. Hurt you. Scare you. So, yeah. I’m apologetic.”
My eyes burned, but I forced back any wetness that gathered there.
I had to do this. He would never understand. He would never let me go.
“If only you knew I’ve wanted to start over every day with you just so I could experience it all again for the first time.”
If only you knew it can’t stop what’s coming.
Kieran’s anguished look was replaced with doubt.
“There is nothing I wouldn’t do to make you understand that you’ve been apologizing for things that aren’t your fault. For demons that aren’t yours.” My voice dropped to hide the slight waver in it as I moved by him. “But you’d never hear me.”
He didn’t try to argue.
He didn’t say anything at all.
I crossed the room and dropped the sheet as I searched for one of his shirts since mine was once again ruined. Once I was covered, I grabbed my shorts and shoes from the floor and pulled them on.
When I turned, Kieran was facing me, expression unreadable, body unnaturally still. “What are you doing?”
What’s necessary.
“What does it look like?” The reply came out thick with emotion, and I silently cursed my tight throat and every weakness he brought out in me.
“Jessica . . .”
I picked up my bag and bit out, “Who do you see?” I stalked across the room and grabbed my clothes and the chain from the bed, shoved them into my bag, and turned to face him. “Who do you see when you fuck me? When you think you’ve hurt me? When you’re apologizing?”
Kieran’s hands drove into his hair, his eyes wide with confusion. “What the fuck, Jessica? You. I see you.”
I scoffed and turned toward the door, not bothering with the window.
“Jessica.”
I rounded on him when he grabbed my arm and said, “I’m not Lily. If you were seeing me then you would know demons take over sometimes. You would know that I know how to fight mine same as you, but it takes time. You would remember the darkness inside us begs for us to come together. You would remember that your dark excites me.”
I yanked my arm free and stormed toward the door, but his hand came down on it before I could open it.
“Don’t,” he begged, his tone rough.
Tears blurred my vision so I dropped my head to stare at the floor.
“Every moment with you has been something I never thought I would have,” I admitted and choked back a sob.
Stop me from leaving.
Tell me you understand.
Tell me you won’t hate me when this is over.
“Sometimes my mind conjures someone terrifying,” I whispered. “But when that happens, I’m taken back to another time, and I struggle to get back to you because I know you’re there. All I see is you.” I looked over my shoulder at him just as the tears fell, racing down my cheeks.
My heart ached at the sight of the man behind me.
He looked broken. He looked lost. And he looked so, so afraid.
Make it go away.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
“If you saw me, you wouldn’t apologize. Because I’m not the girl who’s afraid of what you’re capable of.”