Chapter 5
Jake
My brother seems to think we have all the time in the world, but before we know it the sun will be coming up and this plan of mine will be screwed. “Hurry up, Jax. Keep pushing.”
“Why the hell can’t we use something to pull this heavy ass thing?”
“Well for one, that’s too loud. Someone will hear us. And then there’s the fact that this here sleigh is ancient. They used it for Uncle Colt’s wedding, or maybe it was Mom and Dad. I can’t remember.”
“Dumbass, you can’t remember because we weren’t born yet,” I remind my twin.
“Oh yeah. That’s probably why.”
I’m shaking my head, doing my best to help tug this huge ass red sleigh out of the old storage building and toward the barn where all the little kids sleep. Jax and I couldn’t sleep, so we came up with a special surprise for all the little kiddos, especially after we heard Uncle Colt talking about restoring it for family photos next year. What better way to reminisce than to use it again for something special?
Jax stops to take a break. We’re both sweating underneath our layers of winter attire.
"Are you sure there's wheels on this damn thing?" Jax is being a baby. He's been complaining since we started pushing.
"You can see them moving underneath. Quit bitching. You're worse than a crying kid."
"The girls are going to think we froze to death."
"We're almost to the other side of the barn. It's a little further. The girls know how far we have to push it."
"I've never even pushed a turd this hard. All this straining ain't good. I need my energy for the reward I'll get for helping your sorry ass."
I stop pushing and look beside me at my equally strong brother. We're both married with children. Jax has three now, while Reese and I are working on our second. I want to do this for the kids, all of them, even the cousins. Sighing heavily, struggling to get the job done, I try to push the thing on my own. I'm on a mission, determined to make this happen. For years we've played jokes, pranked the family time and time again, but this could change the way people see us. Maybe they’ll finally have some respect for us instead of always assuming we're up to no good. "Jax, put on some big boy pants, grow a set of balls and help me get this shit done. Save the crying for later. It’s for the kids, man."
"I'm only doing this because Amber promised to warm me up afterwards."
I'm not surprised. Jax thinks about sex constantly. I swear that while we were in the womb I got the brains and he was left with scraps. His one-track mind is both annoying and pure entertainment at the same time. "You're lucky you're my brother."
"You're the lucky one. You never would have found that wife of yours if it wasn't for me. I mean let's face it, she was mine first."
I'm going to let that slide because he's been drinking all night. It's true, he dated Reese, but it's years in the past, and I know he holds no hard feelings about it, not with what he found with Amber. They're perfect together, and he's never been in love with anyone like he is with her. If something ever happened to them, it would literally kill my brother. She's not only the mother of his three children, but also his soul mate. I usually don't believe in fate or kismet, but what they have is too intense to be categorized as anything else.
Headlights appear in the distance. Knowing everyone else is sleeping comfortably in their beds, I'm under the assumption it's our wives. "Jax, here they come. Quick, let's hide and scare the shit out of them."
"Hell no. Let's moon them instead. Come on, bro, double the pleasure."
I don't know why I think this is a good idea, but I find myself rushing to the front of the old sleigh while unzipping my pants and shoving them down past my ankles. We bend over at the same time, Jax wiggling his ass around for even more of a show."
It's not until the vehicle comes to a sudden halt right behind us that we come to learn it's not Reese and Amber.
Our father's honking voice fills the late night frigid air. "Hey look, Miranda, their balls finally descended. We should celebrate. I thought it would never happen.”
Our relatives are cracking up as we quickly redress and turn in their direction.
"Shit! It’s the peanut gallery." Jax calls out. "What the hell are you old dogs doing up past your bedtime?"
"What the hell are you two doing with the sleigh I made for my wife?" Uncle Colt inquires. "Because I have a feeling it's nothing good."
"Well, it was all Jake's idea. He wanted to take the sleigh and crash it into the barn like Santa had an accident. I told him it would freak out the kids, but he didn't listen. I was only out here trying to stop him."
I'm not surprised Jax is putting the blame on me with his ridiculous story. Uncle Colt isn't happy. We should have asked first.
I shove my brother. "He's full of shit. Jax just wanted to steal the sleigh so he could dress up as Santa and get freaky with Amber. I was the one trying to stop him from making a big mistake."
Mom starts waving her hands around. "All right, you two little jerks, at this point it doesn't matter what you wanted the sleigh for. None of that is happening anymore. This is what's going to happen. Conner is dressing up as Santa. Colt is going to wrangle up a couple donkeys to pull the sleigh. Us girls are going to decorate it, while Ty gets positioned on the roof with the bells. We're giving these kids a reason to believe, at least for another year. You can keep your pants on, find your wives, and help us make this happen."
Another set of lights come into view. It's Noah and Shalan. "What did we miss?" Noah asks.
"Two of the finest asses on the ranch," Jax replies.
“I beg to differ,” Uncle Colt offers. “Let’s stop beating around the bush. I’d like to get a couple hours of shut eye before breakfast. Noah, Shalan, you can come help me gather the donkeys. Everyone else knows what needs to get done. We’ll meet back at the barn.”
Jax claps his hands. “Break!” He calls out like it’s a good football play.
He’s all fun and games until he realizes that we’ve been left to move the sleigh on our own again. “What the shit, dude? Where’s the reinforcements? How come Noah bowed out?”
“He didn’t. They’re all going to make this plan work out, unlike our half-assed attempt.”
“Our plan was good, bro,” Jax insists. “They can’t say we didn’t try.”
“Uncle Colt thinks we wanted to use the sleigh for sexual purposes. You saw the look on his face. He totally believed that story.”
“Uncle Colt is a prude. He must have turned his set of balls in the day he said I do.”
There’s no talking sense into Jax. Everything is a joke. “He’s a great man. Look at what he’s done with this ranch, and how much he’s helped Dad at home.”
“You can be ball-less and still work hard. Hell, if I lost my balls I’d have to work harder so no one would notice.”
“I’m pretty sure he still has his balls,” I mention while trying to push the sleigh to the designated position. “Why are we even discussing our uncle’s junk?”
“Because it’s late as shit and there’s nothing else to talk about.”
I have to change the subject. If anyone walks up and hears us I will never live it down. “So, which present did you decide to get Amber for Christmas?”
“Oh, I changed my mind again. I got her something she’ll be able to appreciate for years to come.”
“Years to come?”
“Yeah.”
“Didn’t she ask for that bracelet or a new tub in the bathroom? I’m pretty sure she’d appreciate both of those.”
“This is much better. It’s a more personal gift. I put a lot of thought into it.”
“Well, what the hell is it?”
“It’s a surprise.” He stops pushing and points at me. “And don’t get any ideas of using it when you see it. I know how you are about sharing, but this will be off limits. Besides, you wouldn’t even know what to do with it.”
“Now I’m kind of worried. Is this present dangerous.”
He chuckles loudly. “My dear brother, it very well could be, but I’m going to love every damn minute of it.”
“Forget I ever asked.”
We’re back to pushing the sleigh, and thankfully I see the girls in the distance with strands of lights they’ve plugged in. “Cool, we’re almost there. I can’t wait to hit the sack.”
“You’re ducking out after this?” I question.
“Hell yes I am. This body doesn’t look this good without a good night’s sleep.”
“I’ve gone plenty of nights without sleep and we still look exactly the same. Well, you probably weigh more than me, but that’s neither here nor there.”
“Fuck off, Jake. You calling me fat?”
“Wow, sensitive much? I’m only saying you weigh more than me.”
“That’s low. I see where this is going.” He tosses up his hands. “I’m out of here.”
“What the hell, Jax? Get back here and help.” I have to stop calling out for him to prevent from waking up the kids. He’s suddenly become defensive and I’m not sure why. Jax is Jax. He probably needs to find Amber and ask if she thinks he’s fat, which will turn into her comforting him, and then an all out romp between the sheets. I’m just glad I’m not going to be in the room when it happens.
Reese and Amber approach when they see me struggling. “Where did Jax go?” Reese asks.
“He’s pouting. I told him he weighed more than me.”
Amber puts her hands in her pockets and giggles. “You didn’t?”
“Why? What’s the big deal? I didn’t say he was fat. Not that I’d ever care what he weighed. He’s still Jax.”
“Yesterday he went to put on a shirt I packed him and it was too tight. I told him it must have shrunk in the wash, because I could tell he was worried about gaining weight.”
“You lied to him?” Reese seems surprised.
“Well, I didn’t want him worried about it. I went and got him the same jeans he wears in a bigger size so he wouldn’t notice. He still looks good. He’s solid muscle. So what if he’s got a little more cushion in that fine ass of his. I happen to like it.”
“Holy shit. This is the funniest thing I’ve heard this week.” I have to keep quiet about using this against him. He’s never going to hear the end of it. I finally have ammunition against him. This is going to be the best Christmas ever.
Reese already senses something. “Jake Mitchell, you better not be up to something. Leave your brother alone, at least until we get back to the Carolinas.”
“Don’t worry, babe. I’ll be on my best behavior,” I lie. It’s just a little fib really. I mean, she knows me too well to assume I’m being honest about it. My brother is always one step ahead when it comes to jokes. This will give me years of fun. His pudgy little heart is in for a real shit show.
With the help of the women, I’m able to get the sleigh in position, no sign of Jax coming back to assist. It’s unfortunate, because I’ve come up with my first attack on his fragile feelings.
My uncle starts bringing in a set of donkeys to use as the reindeer. Aunt Van found some antlers she uses for the dogs in those fancy photos she always takes, so she’s attached them to their heads already. One of the little guys is steady trying to shake it off his head. They aren’t used to being hooked to anything, so this will be a hoot, but Uncle Colt assures us they’re gentle enough to make it work. I’m not even sure how he acquired the two asses, but they do semi resemble reindeer from a distance. It’s not like the sleigh has to travel that far. Uncle Conner will have the reigns and once they round the opposite barn they’ll be able to take them back to the stables where they reside.
We’re all starting to get into position, my Uncles helping Dad set up the ladder so he can take the bells on top of the roof. While they steady it, my father is behind them pretending to hump them. It seems the women aren’t as amused as he thought they’d be, so I offer them something else to laugh about. Like a stealth ninja, I dart in his direction, yanking down his pants until they fall to his ankles. When he turns around to see the culprit, he flashes everyone with all that God gave him, as miniscule as that happens to be at the moment.
His hands quickly cover up his little package. “What the hell?”
I’m hunched over laughing. “Damn Dad. You cold? From the looks of things, I’d say this weather has taken a toll on your precious jewels.”
“No one can resist his balls, right? That’s what he always says,” Mom teases.
Dad covers himself with one hand while using the other to pull his pants back up. “Take your pants off and see what your little dick does in this weather, asshole.”
He’s embarrassed, which is funny in itself, because Dad is always the one cracking on everyone else. “If it doesn’t come back out, you might have to go to the doctors. I’ve heard some instances where the penis got stuck up inside and never came back out.”
Mom chimes in. “Wouldn’t that be a hoot. Then your dad would just dry hump everything around him.”
The crowd begins to laugh until we realize we’re supposed to be keeping quiet.
Dad ignores the next few comments while climbing the ladder with a set of rattling bells. We hurry to get into position in case the children hear them.
I turn my back for a second and hear my father cursing. He’s lost his footing and has slipped back down where the ladder is in place. My heart races when I consider how stupid it is for him to be doing this. “Dad, you need to come down before you fall off and die.”
He shakes his head and holds up a rope I hadn’t noticed. It appears to be coming from the opposite side of the roof. After further inspection I notice they’ve put it in place as a safety precaution. I’m sure it was the quick thinking of Uncle Colt.
Noah comes up behind me with a snowball, smashing it into my hair. Before I shove or punch him, he flashes a big smile. “Shalan’s pregnant again.”
“No shit?”
“She just told me before we came out here. We’ve been trying for months. She wants to tell everyone today. I can’t wait to tell the kids.”
“Congrats, cuz. That’s great news.”
“Did you tell your parents yet?” I wonder. “Does anyone else know?”
Noah shakes his head. “Na. I’ll wait until we’re all together. I just couldn’t hold it in, and you were the first person I saw standing alone.”
“Your secret is safe with me.”
“What secret?” I hear my wife say from behind me.
Noah sighs heavily. He should have known that this family can’t have secrets without them getting broadcast around. If we do anything well it’s gossip amongst ourselves. “Shalan is pregnant, but don’t say anything. We’re announcing it later.”
“That’s fantastic news. She said you’d been wanting another child. Maybe this one will be twins.”
“Don’t curse me with those words. You do see what twins in this family turn into right?”
She snickers while patting me on the shoulder. “Oh trust me. I live with it.”
“She loves every minute of it, too. Don’t you, babe?”
We kiss before she answers. “Of course I do. Besides, we’re still not out of the woods. Our next little guy could turn out to be two.”
“Little guy?” Noah questions.
“We’ve already determined we’ll have two boys. There’s no way I’m going to be able to raise a little girl without carrying around a shot gun.”
A guffaw escapes Noah. “No kidding. It’s tough, I’ll tell ya that, but I wouldn’t trade my little girl. It helps that she always has a big brother to keep her safe.”
“True.”
Noah puts his hand on my shoulder. “You’re a good dad, Jake. Even Jax has his moments.”
“If Jax is good at anything it’s being a father. He acts all tough and jokes a lot, but when it comes to them he’s so serious. They keep him grounded. Amber would have kicked his ass to the curb by now if they didn’t have the kids. He’s too high strung. They force him to shut off the crazy when he’s home. It’s still there, but mellowed out.”
“Amber gets a kick out of him. I don’t think she’d ever go anywhere.”
“Probably not, but if she did leave he’d drive her insane until she came back.”
We all agree by nodding our heads and laughing.
“Where do you think your brother went?” Amber asks as she comes up to us with a hot cup of something in her hands.
“Where did you get that?” Reese asks.
“Aunt Van ran to the house and made coffee. There’s thermoses over there if you want some.”
I watch my wife make a beeline for something hot with caffeine, while I answer my sister-in-law’s question. “He’s probably off pouting. I’d check the RV. I know we said we weren’t going to sleep in it tonight on account of the kids being in the barn, but he’s probably gone off to get some sleep while the rest of us suffer.”
“I’m sure. For the macho man he tries to be, he’s so sensitive,” she admits.
“He always has been. He can dish it out, but he hates getting it back.”
“Don’t we all?”
I nod. Maybe she’s right.
A whistle gets our attention. We all turn to find Uncle Colt waving at us. “Everyone take your places.”
I spot my mom, Aunt Amy, Aunt Van and possibly Shalan running in little elf costumes. God only knows where they came from, but Aunt Van always likes making the best Christmas pictures so I’m sure they were laying around somewhere. My dad is still on the roof, now shaking the bells and beating his fist to make it sound like footsteps. Uncle Conner hops on the sleigh. He’s wearing a Santa suit that’s been stuffed to make him look like a chubby old man. They’ve decorated it, so lights surround the whole thing. The donkeys are still shaking their heads, but it makes it look authentic. With it being so dark outside, all the kids will be able to see is a big red suited man being pulled on a sleigh by brownish creatures with antlers. This convoluted idea might actually work. All jokes aside, from a distance it’s totally believable, especially to little kids.
“This is pretty awesome,” I say to my relatives standing nearby.
“Too bad Jax is missing this,” Amber adds.
Out of the corner of my eye I see two things happening all at once. The large picture window on the second floor of the barn is filled with children’s faces. My heart is full when I spot my little guy watching in awe of what he thinks he’s seeing. This makes it all worth it. Every single foot of ground it took for us to push that sleigh has paid off. These kids will never forget this night. They’ll tell their own children about it. It’s the coolest thing I’ve ever witnessed and I’m glad to be a part of it.
The plan is for Uncle Conner to get around the corner and then Uncle Colt is going to pull the plug on the extension cord for the lights hooked to the sleigh. It will look as if Santa disappeared.
The second thing I see causes alarm, and not in a dangerous way. I should have known my brother was up to something, but this is low, even for him. This will definitely piss a lot of people off, and I think that’s his intention. The worst part is, I’m the one who brought the damn mask to begin with.