Jack had slept for a few hours when he woke feeling Calder move, turning to face him in the dark.

“You all right?” he asked in a tired croak.

“I feel like I was in a plane crash,” Calder replied. “I think I have more bruises than not. But I’m all right.”

“Yeah, me too,” Jack muttered, not thinking too hard about the pain still throbbing in his neck.

“I can’t stop thinking about Avery,” Calder said after a moment. “I know you’re right. I know we can’t do anything for him right now, but I can’t stop. I keep imagining him out there alone…”

Jack didn’t answer, not wanting to have this fight right now.

“I almost gave up,” Calder admitted, “before we found the helicopter. I was making peace with it. Now all the uncertainty is back again and I…I just want to know one way or the other. I hate not being sure.”

Jack rolled onto his back. The word “cold” was an understatement for how he felt, but any amount of metaphor and description would have been an understatement too. The ground beneath him was hard and uneven. He worried over the possibility of rescue like a dog with an old bone, unable to shake the fear that they wouldn’t last long enough to be found. He took a deep breath and let it pass.

“I have an answer for you,” he said after a moment, breaking the solemn stillness of their silent cave. “You’re not going to like it though.”

Calder said nothing but only watched him, waiting for him to continue. Jack couldn’t see his eyes in the darkness of the cave, but he could feel them on him.

“The answer is that it doesn’t matter,” he said. “You keep waiting on the world to make up its mind. Is he alive or isn’t he? Will I find him or won’t I? Even before that, waiting to see if he would come back to you, and blindly following whatever he wanted to do without ever asking what you wanted. The answer is it doesn’t matter whether he’s alive or dead out there. It doesn’t matter if you find him tomorrow or never find him at all. No matter what happens, you will still be here. You will still need to get up and live your life. The story won’t end just because you found him or you didn’t. Life will still be here. And you need to make the decision to start living for yourself, regardless of what else happens. “

Calder was silent for a long moment, and Jack worried that he’d offended the other man. But then, that was still for the best. Let him be offended, as long as he listened.

“I wish it were that easy,” he said at last. “I don’t want to be like this.”

Jack felt his heart sink at the way Calder’s voice broke. He wished he knew better how to help. He wished he were brave enough to reach for Calder’s hand at least. But he didn’t. They both lay alone in the dark.

“It isn’t easy,” Jack said at last. “But the first step is just deciding to do it.”

Silence fell between them again, soft as the shadows, and lingered so long that Jack began to think Calder had fallen asleep again. He began to doze off himself, when he felt a hand find his own, squeezing gently. His heart flipped in his chest as Calder pressed closer to him. He felt the other man’s head on his shoulder, the hand on his arm, silently asking permission. He turned his head to look for Calder in the dark, his neck complaining, and words caught in his throat. Refusals and invitations tangled together. What he wanted and what he knew he couldn’t have. Calder kissed him, lips soft and warm in the cold night, and his willpower crumbled. He slipped a hand around the other man’s waist and pulled him closer, deepening the kiss as heat bloomed under his skin. Calder made a small sound against his lips that Jack belatedly recognized as pain. He pulled away quickly.

“Are you all right?” he asked, stumbling over his words, suddenly unsure. “We shouldn’t do this. You’re still sore from the crash—”

“I’m fine,” Calder said, kissing him to shut him up. “Are you okay?”

“I am.”

“Then stop talking.”

The darkness seemed to heighten his senses. The taste of Calder’s tongue, the grind of his hips, the sound of their breathing, it all felt more intense and overwhelming than ever. Even the stings of pain from their injuries were sweet. Hands wandered under their clothing but didn’t remove it, both of them still mindful of the cold. His fingers ran through Calder’s hair as they breathed one another’s breath, sharing heat and air against the frigid night. Calder had a leg over his hips, pushing against him, and Jack could feel the heat of his need growing even as he delayed reacting to it. He dragged his nails lightly down Calder’s back and heard him hiss and arch, squeezed his hips and thighs, wanting to feel all of him at once. There was a fire in him, a desire for the other man that he didn’t think could ever be satisfied. He wanted to devour him.

He shifted down and Calder moved up, their bodies tangled in the close confines of the cave, neither wanting to disturb the tarp that held in the heat of their exertions. Jack opened the front of Calder’s pants and heard the other man curse, though whether it was from passion or the cold shock of exposure Jack didn’t know. He didn’t leave Calder cold for more than a second before covering him with the heat of his mouth. Calder was hot in his mouth and Jack chased that heat, relished the cursing and squirming it brought from the man above him. He wrapped his arms around Calder’s hips to hold him in place, giving him no rest, no opportunity to cool down and possibly think better of what he was doing, not until Jack could feel the soft curls of his hair against his nose. Calder grabbed for him, gasping, and shouted as he shot off, spilling into Jack’s mouth. Jack barely had time to register this before he heard a thump and a curse that was much more pain than pleasure.

Jack pulled off quickly, wiping his mouth on his sleeve.

“You okay?” he asked, voice hoarse.

“Yeah,” Calder said quickly, still cursing under his breath. “Just whacked my head on the top of the cave.”

Jack couldn’t help laughing at that. Soon Calder was laughing as well, slipping down to lie beside him again, shaking with mirth at the helpless absurdity of their situation. Calder kissed him again, and Jack returned it, shifting Calder’s coat to drop kisses down his throat.

The humor of the situation had done nothing to dull the heat between them as they held each other. Calder reached down to stroke Jack through his pants, making the other man groan and press into his hand. His teeth pressed against Calder’s throat, just hard enough to be felt, making him shiver with desire.

“Did you…” Calder hesitated, and Jack could hear the embarrassment in his voice warring with his arousal. “Is there any lube in the first aid kit?”

Jack answered that by reaching for the bag so fast he almost hurt himself on the cave wall, glad he always kept a few packets of lube with his supplies. He pulled out the kit, fumbling with it in the dark, until he was smart enough to grab the hand crank lantern and illuminate what he was doing. He hated to break the magic darkness of the moment, afraid that in the light one or both of them might lose their nerve. But when the light was gone Calder was still there, unafraid, his pants part way down.

Jack knelt over him as the light of the lantern faded quickly back to darkness. He traced the line of Calder’s cock down to his entrance and pressed his lubed fingers in. He was slow and careful, listening to Calder’s small gasps, the shivering breaths, as Jack stretched him. He took his time, free hand stroking the other man slowly, talking him through it. Jack could feel the heat around his fingers and wanted desperately to be inside it. He forced himself to wait, to be patient, until Calder was soft and open to him, and quietly begging him to hurry up before he froze.

Jack held Calder’s legs, still tangled in his pants, as he lined himself up and pressed in slowly. He sank in with almost no resistance, the soft heat enveloping him. Calder groaned in the darkness and Jack forced himself to stop, wait and let the other man adjust before he kept going. But Calder raised his hips to urge Jack on, begging breathlessly for Jack to “hurry up! Keep going, please!”

Jack wouldn’t be sweet talked into being less careful with the other man. They both had enough injuries already. He gritted his teeth and gathered whatever shreds of his willpower remained after giving into this in the first place. At last, after what felt like forever, his hips met the smooth curve of Calder’s ass. The other man was trembling under him, catching his breath as he clung to Jack like he was the last life raft in a desperate ocean.

“Ready?” Jack asked, his voice rough with desire. 

“Yes,” Calder gasped. “Please.”

Jack thanked his lucky stars because he didn’t think he could have held out much longer. He pulled back halfway and drove home again, feeling Calder tense and shudder under him as waves of pleasure rushed through them both. Jack had been slow and careful for as long as he could bear. He rocked into Calder, rough and fast, grinding deep and feeling a shock of desire every time Calder moaned or cried out his name. He pressed closer, pushing Calder’s legs back against his chest. The other man was nearly bent double, all that yoga flexibility paying off as Jack hammered into him as deeply as he could.

“God, Jack,” Calder stammered, his voice shaken as Jack pulled back far to deliver a particularly hard thrust. “Jack!”

Jack couldn’t help a thrill of satisfaction to hear Calder saying his name. His name, not Avery’s, as he had the other times they’d indulged each other like this. Jack had a selfish desire to burrow his way into Calder’s heart and force Avery out, replace him. Maybe then Calder would stop searching for him. Maybe then there was a chance they could…

Jack dismissed those jealous thoughts quickly, before they could become painful. All that mattered was what was in front of him. The tight heat he buried himself in, the breathless gasps in the dark below him, warning him there wasn’t much time.

Jack wrapped a hand around Calder’s shaft, stroking in time with his thrusts, and heard Calder’s shouts increase in intensity. He could feel the heat coiling in his belly, close to exploding. But he wasn’t quite ready for this to be over. He felt Calder buck into his hand, and reached down to squeeze tightly at the base of his cock, stopping him from finishing. He heard Calder’s bewildered cry, but didn’t answer it. Instead, he grabbed Calder’s hips and turned him onto his side before driving home again. His strokes were long and hard and he felt Calder tense as each one struck deep inside him, unable to finish thanks to Jack’s hand squeezing him.

“Please,” he begged, shaking. “Jack, please!”

Jack could almost see the spots dancing in front of his eyes, and decided he was ready to give in to Calder’s demand. He let go, and as Calder tightened around him, cumming hard, Jack drove in three more times, buried himself deep, and let go.

Satisfaction washed over him, leaving him feeling dizzy and weightless. He lingered where he was for a long moment, feeling Calder’s pulse around him. Then he slowly pulled free, fumbling for a wet napkin from the first aid kit to wipe them both clean before he fell back into the blankets next to Calder. Calder fixed his pants with shaking fingers, then curled up against him. Jack pulled the blankets back into place over them.

“I think I’m ready to move on,” Calder said, still breathless. Jack didn’t answer and pretended to have fallen asleep.