Debbie

I took another look at my beautiful Halloween costume sitting beside me laid out on my bed and grimaced with a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was such a beautiful dress. I’d wanted to go as Snow White this year, but I was going to add a bit of flair to it to make my Snow White a bit sinister just for fun. I’d had the tailor make some special alterations to the cut of the dress to make it appear sexier. I didn’t normally dress up that way, preferring a more casual T-shirt and jeans approach to my basic wardrobe, but Halloween was that night of the year where you were free to be someone else. You could become whoever you wanted to be or had always thought about being.

And right now I wanted to be anyone else but Debbie Helms.

“Daniel,” I muttered to myself. “You bastard.”

Just the mention of my fiancé’s name filled me with anger and disgust. But beneath all of that was a mountain of hurt.

We’d been together for almost a year and had been engaged for six weeks. He’d proposed to me when we were out for a nice dinner one night. It was completely shocking and romantic. Before I knew it, I was engaged and we were planning a wedding with a tentative date scheduled six months from now.

Everyone was so happy for me. And I was happy too. I was truly living the life I’d wanted and always dreamt of, at least as far as my love life was considered.

And then it all changed. I’d noticed that Daniel was being a bit aloof, a little distracted lately, and it just seemed like all of the romance in our life had just disappeared. When I finally confronted him about it, he told me that he didn’t want to marry. He had thought things through and decided he was too young to get tied down and that he wanted something else out of life.

It was awful. I felt like someone had just removed all remnants of hope and happiness from my life and I was left as just an empty shell. It had taken me days to come out of my room and even pretend to have an interest in anything. It was like being in some kind of zombie limbo state where nothing seemed real anymore, or at least nothing seemed important to me.

Especially, not some silly Halloween dance.

Shepherd’s Mills was notorious for throwing a huge Halloween party every single year. It was an older town with a big history, full of stories about spooky happenings and paranormal events that couldn’t be explained. Of course no one knew if any of those stories really happened the way the old timers in town said they did, but it was fun anyway. I’d always loved it and I looked forward to the party every single year.

But this year it seemed silly compared to the dreadful feelings I was dealing with.

I pulled up a picture of me and Daniel on my phone just then. It was actually the wallpaper on my main screen. I hadn’t been able to force myself to remove it.

“Why, Daniel?” I asked the picture. “What did I do that made you stop loving me?”

I’d asked that question to myself and my mother almost non-stop since Daniel dumped me.

“People change,” my mother Judy said. “People change, baby, especially at your age. You are twenty-three years old. Your life has just started; don’t sit there acting like the entire world just ended. It may feel like that, but it hasn’t.”

My mother always knew exactly what to say and how to say it to make me feel better. She just had that special calming ability. I wasn’t sure if it was something all mother’s had, a special bond with their babies, or if it was just something unique to my mother.

“I know,” I said through clenched teeth and a river of tears. “But we were supposed to spend our lives together. And suddenly he just decided he didn’t want it.”

My mother paused just then and took a deep breath, which I knew was my mother’s universal signal for “I’m about to lay down some harsh truth, so get ready for it”.

“Honey,” mom said. “Are you sure there wasn’t someone else?”

I couldn’t even find the words to respond to that thought. I had managed so far to keep something that utterly terrifying out of my head, but here it was staring me down like a runaway train about to run me over and I was tied to the tracks.

“It couldn’t be…” I said. But it made sense. I knew it was very possible. It was just a theory, an idea, nothing more at this point.

But I had to know.

That night I went to Daniel’s place to ask him point blank if he was with someone else. And if so, exactly how long had this slime bucket been two timing me?

Daniel wasn’t there when I arrived. After banging on his door for a few minutes and then realizing his truck was not parked in his garage, I decided to head into town and see if I could locate him in one of his favorite haunts. I knew this might be borderline stalker behavior on my part, but I was so fired up I just didn’t care. When I wanted something I went after it. That was a trait I’d always possessed and it had gotten me in a speck of trouble or two in my life. But I am my mother’s daughter and when I am lit up then you’d better step out of the way.

Just as I reached my car Daniel drove up in his truck.

And he was not alone.

There was a pretty, sexy blonde girl with him that took me a few minutes to recognize. When it finally dawned on me who the slutty looking stranger was, I couldn’t believe it. Hell, it was almost laughable. Was this really the type of girl Daniel wanted in his life? Or was he just having fun for now?

Valerie Reynes.

I was a year behind Valerie in high school. Valerie was miss popularity, head cheerleader, Homecoming Queen, and Prom Queen. She was sexy and bubbly, but all of the girl’s in the school knew her as being notorious for going to parties, getting wasted drunk, and then getting into bed with whatever guy (or guys) were close by. It was a reputation that Valerie didn’t even seem ashamed of. Hell, she had almost flaunted it.

And it only served to increase her popularity somehow.

Daniel rolled his eyes and sighed deeply, clearly annoyed, as he stepped out of his truck and saw me standing there. He threw Valerie his house key and asked her to wait inside for a moment.

Valerie actually had the audacity to wink and smile at me as she passed. What a skank. I could have strangled her on the spot. Looking back I had to admire my own restraint.

“What are you doing here?” Daniel asked. His arrogance was so profound. Why hadn’t I ever noticed it before? Had he kept it well hidden or was I just so in love I was willing to look past the glaring flaws in his character that seemed so obvious now?

“Well, I came to ask you a question, but it looks like I have my answer,” I said.

I turned away and started walking towards my car.

“What the hell are you talking about?” Daniel asked.

I spun around and glared daggers at him.

“How long have you been seeing this slut behind my back?”

Daniel laughed. “How is it any of your business? We are done.”

“Yeah, we are done,” I said. “I just wanted to prove to myself exactly how big of a slime ball you are.”

“This is what I didn’t want to look forward to for the next sixty years,” Daniel said. “I’m twenty-three years old. I’m young. I want to live. I’m sorry if I hurt you. I never should have proposed.”

“Then why did you? Why did you propose if you were feeling this way?”

Daniel shrugged. “I guess I succumbed to peer pressure and family pressure. You know how old fashioned our parents are. They kept asking me when we were going to get married, get our house with the white picket fence, and have kids. I heard that constantly and it just seemed like it was what was supposed to happen. I made a mistake. It isn’t what I want right now.”

“Wow, I never thought you would be so gullible as to be worn down by other people’s comments. I’m glad we broke up; you saved me a lot of heartache and pain.”

I got in my car and drove away without so much as glancing back at the jerk.

And now I was alone in my room on what was usually my favorite night of the year, and I was feeling sorry for myself. I figured I’d stay in and binge watch some Netflix with a big pint of ice cream. It felt like the right thing to do.

I was still staring at my phone and the happy picture of me and Daniel. After a few moments I threw it down on the bed in disgust. God, why couldn’t I just move on? Just let it go and delete that stupid picture. It was just so hard. I never thought I would go through something so difficult.

Daniel wasn’t the first serious relationship I’d had, but he was the most intense for sure. From the get go we had just clicked and everything snowballed from there. I’d say I knew I was deeply in love with him after about two months. It was almost scary fast, but it was a thrill ride, a true whirlwind romance.

But it was over. I had to move past it. I knew with time I would be fine, but the time was moving by so slowly that it felt like the pain would last forever.

My phone began buzzing just then. I sighed and picked it up to see an incoming call from Lara Miller, my best friend since we were twelve. We were more like sisters. She’d been so helpful during this time, but there was only so much a friend could do for me.

“Hey,” I answered.

“What’s up!” Lara yelled in an almost cheering sing-song kind of way.

I chuckled. She was hilarious sometimes.

“Oh, nothing,” I said.

“Yeah… you are sitting in your room pouting, aren’t you?” Lara asked.

“I’m not pouting. I’m ruminating,” I said.

“That is basically the same thing,” Lara said. “You haven’t forgotten about tonight have you? I can’t wait to see you in your outfit!”

“I’m not going,” I replied.

“No! You have to go! It’s the coolest night in town. And you know our town has like nothing else going for it. If you don’t go tonight then you can’t justify living here the rest of the year.”

I smiled.

“I know, but I’m just not in the mood,” I said. “I just want to be left alone and do nothing.”

“I know you are depressed and I don’t blame you one bit, but I know that Daniel is not sitting around being lame. He is probably going out tonight and having fun. You should, too. It’s the only way you will feel better.”

I sighed. I knew she was right and she was trying to help, but I was just not feeling it.

“No, I’m staying home. You go and have fun.”

“But the whole gang is going,” Lara said. “It won’t be the same without you. We all go every year. It’s tradition. Now, you don’t want to be responsible for breaking up a great tradition, do you?”

“It won’t be any fun if I go. The way I’m feeling now, I’m just going to bring everyone down.”

Lara groaned. “Ugh! You are impossible sometimes. Staying home and avoiding everyone is not the answer. It’s going to turn you into an old maid.”

“I know,” I replied. Lara was making some valid points, but I just didn’t want to be bothered. The thought of going somewhere where everyone else was having a good time filled me with dread. I just didn’t see how anything good could come of it for me.

“It’s just a waste of a beautiful dress if you don’t come,” Lara said. “Besides, you never know who you might meet here.”

I groaned. “Meeting someone right now is the last thing I want to do.”

“But it’s the best way to get over a breakup. It doesn’t feel like it, I know, but trust me. I’m basically a psychologist.”

I laughed. “Having watched every episode of Dr. Phil ever, does not make you a psychologist.”

“I disagree,” Lara said with false smugness. “Look, everyone really wants you to stop being Miss Debbie Downer and come with.”

“Ha ha,” I said at her pun. “Well, I’m going to get off here. You guys have fun.”

Lara said goodbye and hung up. I hated to hear that sadness in her voice. I knew how badly she wanted me to come, but for the life of me I just didn’t feel like moving from my bed. I wanted to shut myself off from everyone and just relax tonight.

But the dance did sound like fun. I just wished I could let go of everything enough to enjoy it.  But the fog my brain was wrapped up in was just not going to let that happen.

I turned on my Television to prepare for my Netflix binge and then went downstairs to get some ice cream. My mother was sitting at the kitchen table putting together a jigsaw puzzle. Ever since I was a kid my mother had always loved those things. I’d see her sitting at the table by the hour putting them together. I didn’t get it. To me it was as much fun as watching paint dry. But she had her hobby, I guess.

I was the only one of my friends still living at home, but I did not have any shame about it whatsoever. I loved my parents and I loved the house I’d grown up in. I was a single woman with a good job, no debt, and I had modest expenses. I didn’t see the point of spending a bunch of money every month so I could sit in an apartment by myself. This was a good time for me to work and save, which was exactly what I’d been doing since I graduated college the previous year with my accounting degree.

“Debbie,” my mother said as I was reaching for the ice cream in the freezer.

“Yeah?” I replied.

“Sit down, sweetie.”

I sat down at the opposite end of the table. I could feel one of my mother’s special talks coming on. They were usually enjoyable and I always walked away with some wisdom, but today of all days I just wasn’t in the mood.

Of course that was usually when I needed to talk to my mom most.

“Why aren’t you going to the dance tonight?”

I sighed. “Why is everyone so concerned with me not going? I just want to stay home. I don’t get the big deal.”

“Debbie, if you continue to punish yourself over something that isn’t your fault then it is considered self-destructive.”

“I know,” I said. “I’m fine. I’ll be ok. But I need time.”

“They say that time heals all wounds and they are right,” my mother said looking up from her puzzle. “But what really heals inner wounds is experience. People confuse that with time. But no, it’s the experiences that replace the void that you are feeling.”

“I guess that makes sense,” I said. “But tonight I don’t feel like experiencing anything.”

“It’s funny, but people do all they can to avoid discomfort, yet moving through the discomfort is the only way to get better. The longer you avoid it the more pain you actually end up feeling.”

I nodded my head. My mother was making some good points. If I kept myself locked up as some sort of a shut in then I was just going to sit there and think about Daniel and feel sorry for myself. That wasn’t helping anything. Hell, in fact it was allowing Daniel to hurt me even more. I knew he hadn’t done what he did to intentionally hurt me. He was just doing what felt right to him and damn the consequences to anyone else. He was a selfish jerk. And he was extremely indecisive apparently. That was a character flaw I wished I’d seen in him much earlier. I’ve always been very decisive and strong willed. I don’t understand the other approach.

“I understand,” I said. “It’s just so hard to move when you feel paralyzed. At times I feel like I can hardly catch my breath.”

Tears welled up in my eyes just then and I felt pain in my chest as if my heart were actually being ripped apart. God, I was in so much pain. When would it stop?

“Stop that,” my mother said. “There is no reason for it. Crying and wallowing in your misery is the biggest waste of time. Right now you need to be happy.”

I looked up at my mother as if she were crazy.

“What the hell do you mean?” I asked.

My mother smiled.

“I mean, when there is something bad going on in your life it’s so easy to react and focus on the negative, but there is a positive outcome to everything. And when we latch onto that positive aspect we grow, we learn, and we become much stronger. That is how the human race has thrived so well.”

I shook my head.

“Wow, how did my mother become the next Aristotle?” I asked with a smile.

My mother laughed and shook her head at me.

“You’ve always been such a smart mouth,” she grinned.

“I know,” I said. “I think I learned it from you.”

“Probably.”

I stood up and placed the ice cream back in the freezer.

“I guess I’ll go to the dance after all,” I said, the sound of defeat hanging in my voice. This was the last thing in the world I wanted to do, but something my mother said clicked with me and I realized it was the best thing for me to do. I needed to give myself permission to forget, for at least one night. It was time to let go and just have a good time with my friends.

I just had to forget that Daniel ever existed.