Chapter 5 – Little Boxes
Our room was dim and empty when I arrived. The turn-down service had left organic dark chocolates on our pillows and soft track lighting ran around the walls behind the headboards. Beach sounds were coming from the little music station between the two beds, and the air smelled faintly of the signature cactus flower perfume. Everything was designed to cultivate a relaxed, spa vibe. I actually liked it.
Elaine was still with Patrick, I supposed. I went to the bathroom and flicked on the soft yellow lights, and for a moment, I was stunned by my reflection. My cheeks did seem rosier, and although the faint lines were still visible at the corners of my eyes, even my eyes were different. The smallest hint of that old brightness was fighting to return. Was it all the spa pampering? The easy, schedule-less days of sleeping in and then relaxing by the pool, allowing the nonstop tension to drain from my body?
Or was it him?
I shook my head and tied my long dark curls back so I could wash my face. Once I was finished and had smoothed a thin line of moisturizer under my eyes and across my lips, I turned and walked back to the large, queen-sized bed where I slept. My phone lay discarded at the foot. I hadn’t even thought about taking it with me. I didn’t want to check emails or texts. I was in a bubble, and everyone had been informed I would be unavailable for the week. I had auto-respond messages set up everywhere.
But still he called.
Sloan’s picture and number sat there staring at me like the cat that always came back. Tonight I didn’t listen to his message. I didn’t want to hear his lectures. I tossed the phone on the small sofa in our room and slipped between the cool, crisp sheets. I considered deleting his contact information, getting a new phone, a new number. But no. I needed to know where he was. At least for now.
Pushing aside those dark thoughts, I inhaled Derek’s warm, woodsy scent again in my hair. A little smile teased at the corner of my lips when I thought of how wild our encounters were. I slid my dark locks across my face, closing my eyes and imagining his strong arms around my waist, remembering him pushing me against the wall. The feel of that huge man trembling in my arms when he came. The sound of his groans.
Lying in the dark alone, I did the one thing that would drive my mother crazy. I compartmentalized it all. With my eyes closed, I imagined taking Sloan and putting him alone in his own, cold plastic box. I slammed the lid and shoved it on a back shelf in my mind. Then I gathered all the events of the last year as if scooping up scattered blocks and dumped them in another box, which I shoved under Sloan’s.
Stretching out in my bed, I took a new box. I imagined lining it with satin and flower petals. I took little pillows and made a soft bed. That’s where I put Derek and his memories. I pictured myself small, climbing into the box with him. He was lying back on the cushions in his grey slacks. The button-down he wore was open, and I could see every line on his sculpted torso. That little smile was on his lips as he watched me approach. I ran my fingers along the lines of his stomach, gazing into his eyes that darkened as I touched him.
His kiss, the same one he gave me beside the fire pit, was gentle but hungry. Our pace grew faster as we kissed each other again and again, tongues entwining, heat growing between my legs, until he pulled me under him. My breathing was fast, my whole body tense with anticipation, so wet, so ready for his awesome fullness. I felt his tip pressing into me, filling me, as a thought drifted through my mind. We’d never done it in a bed…
Scuffing sounds and the loud noise of someone trying to be quiet woke me. I looked at the clock. It wasn’t even eight yet. Elaine was hurrying around the room, filling a bag with her bathing suit, a towel,
“What are you doing?” I asked, my voice thick with sleep.
“Oh,” she exclaimed. “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to wake you.”
I sat up slowly, rubbing my eyes. Looking around, I almost expected to see Derek in bed with me. I’d drifted to sleep in our box, wrapped in his huge, protective arms.
“Did you spend the night with Patrick?” I asked.
A giggle was followed quickly by a throat clearing. “Yes,” she said, unable to hide her beaming face. “Oh my god.”
My lips pressed into a smile. “Good?”
“Holy fuck,” she flopped across the foot of my bed. “I think I came five times last night.”
I grinned, smoothing her now-messy blonde hair. “Is it possible to meet your soul mate in one day?” she asked, looking up at me.
“No idea,” I said, not wanting to think about questions like that. It made my stomach hurt. “I’m not sure I believe in soul mates. But you like him? Sounds like poor Brian is definitely toast.”
“Don’t even say the B-word. Patrick is the hottest thing. And that body.” She did a little shiver. “First we just talked all hours. Oh! You never came back. Did Derek find you? He said not to worry, and I figured since he’s practically a cop and an ex-Marine…”
I bit my lip, still not sure how much I wanted to tell her about Derek’s and my… relationship? Agreement? I didn’t have a clue what to call it. I’d never had a fuck buddy before. Were we even buddies? We never saw each other outside of patios, bars, and family restrooms.
“We… bumped into each other,” I said. Then I suppressed a grin at how that “bump” went. And how hot and noisy it was.
“Did you get any dinner?”
“I did, but tell me about you and Patrick.”
“Mmm,” she smiled again. “Okay, like I said, first we talked all hours, really got to know each other. Then we went down to the pool. It was completely dark, so we sneaked in—”
“You went skinny dipping?”
She giggled. “Have you ever had sex in a pool? It is amazing. Everything’s all wet, and the water was the exact right temperature.”
“I hope you used protection.” I mentally wondered at how many public decency laws these former cops of ours broke.
“Of course!” Elaine jumped up and went back to filling her bag. “He’s going to blow off the conference today, and we’re spending it together. When I told him this was my first trip to Arizona, he had all these places I just have to see.”
“Sounds like fun,” I sighed, rolling onto my side.
Then her expression changed. “I’m sorry!” she cried. “I’m the worst friend ever! I need to stay with you and do our treatments. Our mental health regimen.”
I sat up and shook my head. “No way! Get out of here! I’m the one who needs a mental health regimen. You can catch up with me tonight.”
She bounced over and kissed my cheek. “Thanks,” she cooed. “I’ll make it up to you. Promise.”
Once Elaine was gone, I lay back in the bed again, remembering my little box with Derek and wanting to climb back inside and wrap myself in his arms. Last night he’d entered me from behind, kissing my neck, his scruffy beard teasing the sensitive places around my shoulders. His large fingers massaged my clit until I came so hard…
I blinked at the ceiling a few times acknowledging it was all a fantasy—at least that version of us together was. It had been my small fingers doing the massaging, and nothing teased the sensitive areas of my shoulders, although the idea of that still made me shiver.
I threw back the covers and got up, shaking the crazy out of my brain. Everything in my life had been upended, and now I was thousands of miles from home, having sex with a practical stranger and inventing an entire fantasy-life around him. Maybe I did need some time on Mom’s couch.
As if on cue, my phone flashed her photograph, silently vibrating in the chair where I’d tossed it last night. I’d been avoiding her calls, not wanting to tell her what was happening. But I couldn’t hide forever.
I slid my finger across the face. “Hi, Mom.”
“Melissa, where are you?” Her stern voice was tinged with worry. I was almost sure I knew why.
“I’m with Elaine, Mom, why?”
She exhaled into the receiver. “You’re at the beach? Why didn’t you tell me you were headed this way?”
I bit my lip, choosing my words, still fishing for why she might be calling. “What’s got you so worked up?”
“Sloan called this morning looking for you, and I didn’t know what to tell him.”
My chest clenched. Bingo. “I’m just taking a mental health break. You’re a big advocate of those, right?”
“Do you need to make an appointment? Maybe with Robin? I know she could work you in if you’re in town.”
Talking to Mom’s partner was actually a great idea. Dr. Taylor was compassionate and didn’t take sides. Although everyone had already taken sides in my case it seemed.
“I’m actually not in town, Mom. I’m in the desert.”
“What? Where?”
“This spa resort… somewhere. It’s really nice.”
She didn’t answer, and I could tell she wasn’t happy with my evasiveness.
“Look, I’m really trying to get away from everything for a few days, get my head together,” I said. “I’m with Elaine, so I’m fine. Let’s just leave it at that.”
She finally spoke slowly. “I don’t like it. What if something happened? I wouldn’t even know how to find you.”
“You just did,” I sighed. “Please. Trust me?”
I heard her matching my exhale. “When will you be back?”
“We’re only here a week. I’ll be in Baltimore on Monday.”
“Call me when you get there.”
I agreed and hung up, but the image of me back in Maryland was almost too painful to conjure. Every time I tried, all I could see was me walking, shoulders stooped, as if an invisible weight were strapped to them, dragging me down, lower and lower. This trip had been an escape I needed more than even I’d realized. Elaine had seen something I couldn’t see. I was desperate, and it was only getting worse the longer I stayed there.
Being here was like taking a deep breath of fresh air, like standing up straight for the first time in a year. Now I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to return to that old life, even for a day.
I rubbed my forehead and went into the bathroom. But I had to go back, at least to get my things, close up my office… I’d worry about those details when the time came. As it was, I still had three more days, and if I were counting time with Derek, they would be pretty incredible.
I lifted the red bikini off the bathroom hook and swept my hair into a high ponytail. If Elaine was gone all day, I was spending it at the pool.