My heart was pounding inside my chest with such force, I worried it would break through my ribs and land on the floor. The last time I saw the lock of my hair was in a tiny motel room, hours before I said goodbye to Alex. I remember jumping off the bed and grabbing the scissors I used to cut his hair, snipping off the long lock before I could chicken out.

“I thought he would think me silly or old fashioned for making it.”

My voice sounded scratchy, foreign to my own ears. My eyes never wavering from the pink ribbon encircling the brown hair like the red stripes on a candy cane.

“If he did, he never said anything, just put it in his pants pocket before wrapping me in his arms again.”

Tentatively, I reached out testing the waters on the last gift I’d ever given him, half expecting it to leap off the bed and slap my hand away.

“I shopped with a friend of mine, behind my parents back, for the nightgown I wore. Alex had been so patient waiting for me to be ready to be with him. I didn’t want him going off without something to remind him where he belonged. I was a virgin, he most definitely was not, but he took his time and made it easy on me.”

Sand fell away from the strands as I finally picked it up from the bedspread, wrapping my fingers around the fabric, closing my eyes as I traveled back to the moment when he kissed my forehead and pushed past my barrier. The way his body felt against mine, the tenderness in his touch and the way he spoke my name.

“When the Chaplain came to the door, I wondered what happened to this. I always  suspected he lost it somewhere along the way.”

I couldn’t admit, even to myself how I questioned if he tossed it out the window the second the bus rounded the first corner.

“For years I had to bite my tongue with every flower delivery that came into the shop on the day I marked as a bullshit holiday, jealous of—”

I couldn’t continue, not with the truth out here like an infected wound. I had allowed my need for love to start erasing the oath I swore to Alex, to wait for him and be here when he returned.

“I’m sorry, Logan.”

I managed to get out before the bile in my stomach began to rise, storming down the steps and into the street. I had to put as much distance between myself, and the man who had helped me forget as I could. Tears streamed down my face as my feet continued to hit the pavement. With the earliness of the day, the streets were thankfully empty, making my escape so much easier.

With my lungs burning and the muscles in my legs resembling Jell-O, I slowed to a crawl in the middle of Front Street. When we buried Alex’s body, the funeral procession came down this way. I stood beside his mom as we walked behind the horse-drawn carriage she had insisted on using. The American flag covering his coffin as two black steeds led the way to his final resting place. Years later any sound resembling a gunshot would send me into a panic attack, the memory of the twenty-one gun salute flashing before my eyes.

I’ve come to visit Alex’s grave at least a hundred times since that day. My way of letting him and myself know I would never forget him. But time had been a thief, stealing away the love and devotion I once felt for Alex, replacing him with a new man, one with a new uniform and a kind heart. The Grays were not showy people, and therefore the gravestone was nothing grand. An American flag etched above his name and the dates of his birth and death below. I’d traced the letters and numbers a thousand times with my fingers, hoping he would tell me to stop, anything to hear his voice one last time.

“Thought I’d find you here.” My father had been beside me as the men in uniforms had expressed their condolences, handing me a number to call about claiming his body and the forms I would need to file for his life insurance. I had refused at first, convinced they had made a mistake. “Logan told me what happened.”

When I felt my father's arms wrap around me, I allowed myself to collapse into his embrace. Sobs broke free, much as they did the first time we sat like this. He didn’t shush me or say anything, letting me rid myself of all the pain I’d swallowed over the years.

“I let him down, Daddy.”

“Who?”

“Alex. I swore I would wait for him and I didn’t.”

My admission made me cry harder, turning and burying my face into his chest. He held me tightly as the guilt took over, stabbing me with it vicious claws and stealing my breath away.

“You know, time has a way of making us forget.”

Clinging to his chest, nodding my head in agreement. Time was a selfish bastard, skipping through life stealing the gift it had given us and continuing on, only to suggest we had plenty of opportunities to live it all again.

“It allows us to keep the good memories while forgetting the bad ones. As I recall, Alex Gray was not always the man you make him out to be.”

Pulling away from his chest, anger bubbles inside me. How dare he disrespect a dead man?

“Hold on, Harper, hear me out.” Moving away from his embrace, using the hem of my T-shirt to wipe my eyes. “You have forgotten all the times you came storming downstairs after Alex had chased off another young man you found a fancy in.” Opening my mouth to argue, my father held up his hand to continue.

“Wait, I wasn’t finished.” He paused, as I closed my mouth and leaned against the hard surface of the gravestone. “Alex was an honorable man, but he was also a mischievous boy. One who, on several occasions, made you cry. He chased many a cat up a tree, set fire to the Duncan’s trashcan, and spray painted another girl’s name on the side of a school bus.”

Claudia Shipley, how could I forget? She moved into town on a Saturday, and the two of them were an item by Monday afternoon. I had walked in on them having sex in the library after school one day.

“And remember the time he told you he was going to Parker Lawson’s to help work on his truck? But you found out he went to a strip club instead.” I had been so mad at him that night. My mother sent me out for eggs, and as I drove past the club, I noticed his truck in the parking lot. He came clean the next morning, but it caused us to take a break for a few weeks. Or the time he went to the lake without you, and the rumor got back to you how he kissed Becky Mooney after they had both been drinking.”

He called me the second he woke up in the bed of his truck, Becky passed out beside him. He swore nothing happened, but I questioned it every time I saw her out in town.

“Harper, the last thing Alex would want is for you to spend the rest of your life waiting for him. He died so someone else could live. And, if I’m being honest, I think he picked Logan to bring you the lock of hair as a sign he is who you’re supposed to be with.”

As much as I wanted to argue, my father was right. Alex did try and make me happy, he failed many times, but he wouldn’t want me to sit here and waste away either.

“Now, I think you should take a few minutes, get your thoughts together and then head over to Logan’s and let him know this wasn’t his fault.”

As my father stood, getting ready to leave, a question hit me. “Hey, Dad, what were you doing out and about this early in the morning?” My father loved to enjoy his morning coffee and newspaper. Allowing the sun to come up and get a good distance in the sky.

“Well, if you must know, I was escorting Valerie Forbes home.” The glint in his eye made me gasp with joy.

“Daddy!” I exclaimed, jumping from the ground to stand with my fits on my hips.

“What? She is a beautiful woman who is single and enjoys my company.” I didn’t want to know what level of enjoyment he was referencing. Parents aren’t supposed to enjoy such things as kissing and sex.

“Life is too short, Harper. Take happiness wherever you can find it.”

After my father left, I sat back down leaning against Alex’s headstone, the sun high in the sky as I leaned my head back and soaked in the warm rays.

“I think my dad is right. I believe you did have something to do with Logan and I meeting.” Crossing my legs in front of me, taking my father's advice of getting my thoughts together.

“Logan is a great man, one you would have been friends with had you returned. I was angry with you, so pissed off you chose to sacrifice yourself and rip us apart. And, while I’m being honest with you, I know about the girl in boot camp. The one you met in the bar off base. She filed for benefits for her son the same day I filed my claim for your death benefits. I never told anyone about them, and I will take that secret to the grave. But it’s time I let you go and get to living the life I still have left to live.”

Listening to the sounds around me, the birds in the trees, the grass as the wind tickled its blades, Mother Nature playing her symphony of life going on. By keeping Alex’s memory alive, I kept alive the lie and deceit he had shown, but also how he did one final act to make things right with me. Opening my eyes, the clouds drift aimlessly in the sky.

“Goodbye Alex,”

I whispered to the Heavens. Feeling as if a layer of weight had been lifted off my chest, I place my fingers to my lips, kiss the skin, and then send if off to join those clouds. Pain in my back alerted me to how long I had been sitting here. Logan would be worried and thinking the absolute worst was happening. A rustling to my right made me turn my head, the sun was high in the sky and blinded me with its intense rays. Before I could open my eyes again, I felt something hard against my forehead and a cloth covers my mouth. I tried to scream, but the smell from the fabric made me choke. I struggled as hard as I could until everything faded to black.