Bryan
I was hoping Kevin would take it easy on me while it was just the two of us, but no such luck. As soon as we pulled out of the parking lot, he turned to look at me, curiosity clear on his face. “So, the milk thing. That was him being in charge, right?”
Dear God, someone save me.
“Um, yes.” Maybe that would be enough?
“Why?”
Huh? I shouldn’t have encouraged him but I did anyway. “What do you mean?”
Kevin paused, and with a quick glance, I could see he was trying to figure out how to say what he was thinking. “Why the drink? Why make that a thing between you?”
“Why let him have control of that decision?” I was doing better with this conversation than I expected. I think having to focus on driving was helping. I’d had a good idea what I was getting into when we went over for lunch. Me, myself, and I had a long conversation, while Maddox was finishing up grilling the management lady, about what I was going to do.
We decided I was going to try and be open. Try being the operative word.
I couldn’t decide how much I was willing to talk about, but I figured I could wing that part and clam up when I got too nervous. It would probably happen automatically anyway. I hoped I didn’t do something stupid like try and hide or pass out. Maddox wanted friends, but it was more than that. Kevin needed someone. I wasn’t sure what they were into, besides the obvious, but it was clear he wanted someone who could understand them.
If I could help him, I would. I’d felt so alone for so long that if I could keep someone else from feeling that way I would. They loved each other, but sometimes you needed a friend to talk to. A friend you could vent to who would understand. Kevin was too curious and too excited about us to have anyone else to fill that role.
I had to think about how to answer his question. And take a few seconds to psych myself up to talking about it. “I…I like being reminded that he’s in charge. It’s not just…like…it’s not just in the bedroom. It’s bigger than that for us.”
I wasn’t sure if it made sense. I tried but it was more like I was tripping over the words than talking in real sentences. Kevin didn’t seem to mind though, because he nodded.
“I can understand that. How long have you guys been in this kind of lifestyle?”
This was one that I knew I could handle. “We’ve known each other for a while but only got together at the beginning of the summer. I’d been hiding what I needed out of a relationship from him and pushing him into the friend box. He found out and things went from there.”
“That’s cool. So he got it right away? No freaking out or thinking it was too much?” Kevin asked the question cautiously; it was another one of those moments with him that I knew there was more to his question than I was understanding.
“Basically. He heard me talking and knew I was hiding something, so he looked stuff up online to try to figure out what it was. He had a list of a few things he’d seen that didn’t do it for him but overall, he was great. I got lucky.” Was that enough of an answer? “We talked a lot and he did more research, but he was understanding.”
Kevin was looking out the side window now, trying to appear casual. It wasn’t working. “That’s awesome. I’m glad he didn’t freak. So he’s open-minded then?”
There was that phrase again. What were they into? “I think so. I think we both try not to judge just because someone likes something different or because a couple loves a different way. It’s not our business what people are into, basically. I think we could be friends with someone even if we didn’t quite understand what they were into.”
“What kind of stuff would you guys not understand?”
That was a harder question. I was getting a little taste of what Mad must have gone through when I was grilling him. Deciding how to answer, I figured I’d start with easy things that I didn’t think would relate to their situation. “Something where people were being mean to each other. Not non-consensual, because that’s obvious, but hurting each other emotionally. I can’t think of that many. Even if we didn’t get it, as long as it wasn’t something that we had to constantly see I think we could ignore it. Like if someone were into a fetish that had them wearing costumes all the time it might be hard. Can’t ignore the guy in the big squirrel outfit.”
That made Kevin laugh. “Very true.”
Pulling into the dorm parking lot, I had to congratulate myself. I’d been so functional. Turning to Kevin, I gave myself one last push. “You know if you ever need to talk about something, I’m here.”
“No more panic attacks or fainting?” He smiled teasingly.
“I make no promises. I didn’t say I would be conscious; I said I would be here. There’s a big difference.” Laughing together, we climbed out of the car and headed for the building.
“So is there anything I need to be prepared for? Like, is your roommate going to go postal or something?” He looked like he was trying to tease, but I could see he wanted to know if he needed to be prepared for crazy.
“No, it should be fine. There were some issues of privacy and rumors, basically. He’s not that bad and isn’t the type to start a fight or something.” If anything, Jay was going to be hurt that I’d left. Now that I had some space from what happened, it was easier to see that he hadn’t been sure what to do. That didn’t mean I wasn’t pissed or wanted to keep living with the guy, though.
“Good. I’m not much of a fighter.” Kevin laughed and reached out to grab the main door.
Walking up the stairs, I started listing off the stuff that we would need to get. He laughed and shook his head. “You’re a planner, too. Don’t tell me you have crazy long detailed lists?”
I looked at him with a very serious expression. “Lists are the most important thing to have happened to mankind. Shame on you.”
He was still laughing when we walked into my old room. Thankfully, Jay wasn’t there. I thought he would be in class for a while, so we could get everything packed before he got back. Kevin was happy to let me give instructions and organize. I wasn’t packing it all up for the summer so it was a little bit different than I was used to, but it went pretty smoothly.
When all we had left was hanging clothes we were just going to drape over the boxes in the trunk and back seat, I started to think we were in the clear. I should have knocked on wood. Jay came walking in as we were walking out the door with the first load.
“What’s going on? Where are you going? You didn’t come back last night. I was worried.” Frowning at me, stress was evident in his voice.
He probably would have kept going but I interrupted. “I’ve got a place off campus. I’m about done.” Then I took the easy way out and headed out the door.
Unfortunately, I had to go back upstairs, so it was only a short reprieve. Kevin must have seen how stressed I was getting because as we put the clothes down in the car he looked over at me and tried to give me his innocent look. “How attached are you to your clothes?”
I laughed. “I’m not going to explain to Maddox that I need a new wardrobe because I was too chicken to get my clothes. One more load and it’s done. We can do it.” Shutting the car door, we headed back to the building.
When we got upstairs, Jay was sitting on the bottom bunk staring blankly around the room. He seemed confused. What had he thought would happen?
He looked over as we walked in the door. “I don’t understand.”
This was awkward. “What did you think would happen when you told the school you thought I had drugs?”
Kevin’s mouth came open but he didn’t say anything. He just watched the drama unfold, probably trying to decide what to do.
“I didn’t tell anyone about your box.”
“Ohhh.” Kevin looked like he was starting to connect the dots. “You have a box.”
Jay nodded. “It was locked. I told my parents because my mother said I had to tell them anything odd that happened at school. Maybe they called?”
“Why would you tell them about my stuff? That was private.” This was getting more frustrating by the second.
Jay seemed to be even more confused. “Why would you have something private in a box?”
Kevin looked at him like he was from outer space, then glanced back at me. “He’s not kidding, is he?”
“No, he’s not. He really doesn’t get it.” I wasn’t sure what to say. Someone had the birds and the bees talk with this guy, hadn’t they? “Jay, some things that people have or use are personal. We just don’t talk about them unless we…” Dear God, how did I say this? “Unless we are doing private things with that person or we have a very good reason to.”
“Private things?” He frowned still looking very confused. “But that means…what do you need private things for?”
“Look it up online, Jay.”
He looked over at his laptop like he had no idea what I was talking about. “Private things don’t show up online. Everyone knows that. Even if you accidentally type in something wrong, the computer stops you.”
He still had child protection software on his computer?
“When did you get this computer, Jay?”
“Just before school started. We didn’t use them that much at home. Research for papers and stuff like that mostly. Why?”
For the love of…
I looked over at Kevin who was still standing there staring. “What do I do?”
He swallowed and then looked over at Jay again before shrugging. “We can’t leave.”
“I’m not the right person to have this talk with him. I’m ready to hide under the bed already.” I wasn’t kidding. This was testing me on every level.
“Me neither. I don’t even know him. He should have this talk with someone he knows.” Kevin started nodding and inching his way backward toward the door. “I’ll wait for you—”
Oh no, he wasn’t.
“If I have to do this, you have to. You get a short reprieve because you have to go down to the car and get my laptop, but that’s it. You’ve got two minutes or I’ll tell Jeremy and Maddox you threw me to the wolves.” I might not know exactly what our two new friends were up to, but I had a reasonable guess that some kind of punishment would be involved if I tattled on him.
“That’s mean.” He looked offended but it was probably an act.
“Two minutes or I’ll tell.”
He shook his head but hurried out the door.
“I don’t understand.” Jay was still sitting on the bed hunched over and giving me this look like a lost puppy.
I walked over to sit on the floor across from him. Leaning back against a dresser, I took a deep breath and looked at him. Someone save me. “Jay, how much do you know about sex?”
I wasn’t going to survive this.