Day 8
Erica
The Icehotel was nothing like Erica had expected. The first sign of civilization for a week and it came in the form of warehouse structures – large and bland and out of place in a landscape of rolling white snow, mountains, and forests. She’d expected a grand palace, like Elsa’s castle in Frozen, which even at one Isla seemed to love, but the entrance was hidden by mounds of snow swept to one side and crates of wood, broken into pieces and stacked in piles.
‘This is the back entrance,’ Lee said with a grin as they anchored their sleds. ‘I wish I had a camera right now; your faces are hilarious. The spectacle is on the inside anyway.’
‘Is it true they have to rebuild it every year?’ Erica asked.
‘Yep. And it’s never the same design either. Come on. The others should be in the hotel right about now. Let’s get these dogs secured and join them.’ Four men dressed in all black snow suits appeared from a doorway of a warehouse and jogged over to them.
The first one, a man with a thick black beard and ponytail poking out from the back of his hat, waved a greeting at Lee before shaking his outstretched hand. ‘Good to see you, Lee.’ He laughed. ‘Found your way back then?’
‘Just about.’ Lee nodded.
‘Come on, we’ll sort these dogs out for you. You look like you could do with a drink, mate.’ He clapped a hand on Lee’s back.
Lee grinned. ‘I’d take a bed over a drink right about now.’
‘Valek’s inside with the rest of your group,’ he said, before crouching down to greet Lee’s dogs.
Erica shot a glance at Molly and Noah. They were stood side by side, neither of them talking. She wished she could find the words to bring them the comfort they needed. Neither had spoken more than a few words since last night.
A figure strode around the corner towards them. There was something familiar about him, something that made Erica’s heart beat a little quicker, as if her body knew before her mind. ‘Henry.’
‘Thank God you’re all right,’ he said, taking her in his arms and holding her close. A sense of home and belonging filled Erica’s chest. ‘What are you doing here?’ she asked, holding Henry close for another moment.
He shrugged and stepped back. ‘I don’t know really.’
‘Where’s Isla?’
‘I called my parents. They’re staying at ours and taking care of Isla. It was a last-minute decision. I was expecting you yesterday. Are you all right? What happened out there?’
‘It’s a long story. I’ll fill you in later if that’s OK?’
‘They’re still serving lunch in the hotel if you’re hungry,’ he said.
‘Is it in the part of the hotel made of ice?’ Erica cringed. ‘Because I think I might have had enough cold for quite a while.’
Henry smiled. ‘It’s the other part.’
‘OK. I might need to have a shower first. I haven’t washed for a week.’ She pulled a face and smiled at Henry. ‘So you might not want to stand too close to me. It’s so good to see you. I thought when you hung up on me … well I wasn’t sure you’d even be at home when I got back.’
Henry shook his head. ‘I didn’t hang up you, Erica. I lost the connection. I tried phoning the number back but it wouldn’t go through.’
Erica nodded. ‘Oh.’ She desperately wanted to launch herself into Henry’s arms again but something stopped her. Was she allowed to hug her husband? He’d travelled all this way to see her, and yet the remnants of their argument rang in Erica’s head.
‘I read your book,’ Henry said, raising his eyebrows, a sad sort of smile crossing his face.
‘Oh.’ Her heart fluttered with a strange sense of nervousness. ‘How did you know about it? I’m sorry, I wanted tell you. I don’t know why I didn’t. I was scared I think.’ Erica stopped herself from rambling any more. What did you think? she thought but didn’t dare ask.
‘It’s OK, I think. Or not. I’m still not sure why I’m here.’ Henry frowned. ‘But I found your book in the drawer where we keep the chequebook when I was going to pay the window cleaner. I thought you’d put it there for me to find.’
Had she meant for Henry to find it? Erica wasn’t sure, but she was glad he’d read it.
‘I know we have a lot to talk about, but I have to tell you, the book is brilliant,’ he said taking a step forward. ‘Really brilliant. I stayed up until two the other night to finish it, and by two-thirty I was booked on a flight here.’
‘Oh.’ Fresh tears threatened behind Erica’s eyes. A shaky nervous relief took hold of Erica’s body. After everything she’d done, after the lies she’d told, the hurt she’d caused Henry – the one who knew her better than anyone else – he’d jumped on a plane to see her.
‘Hi, Henry.’ Molly stepped forward and ripped off her goggles. Her left eye was almost completely closed with a deep purple swelling. A shivering took hold of Erica’s body staring at Molly’s bruise.
‘Molly.’ Henry smiled, stepping forward and hugging her tight for a second before letting go and fixing his gaze on Molly’s face. ‘How the devil are you? And what happened to that eye of yours?’ He peered closer. ‘Does that need looking at by a doctor?’
Molly brushed her fingertips across the bump and winced. ‘I think it’s just bruised.’
A noise escaped Erica’s mouth, a primal caterwaul of a cry that carried all the way from the depths of her soul. She doubled over, her shoulders shaking as she sobbed. How close had they come to losing Molly? How much longer would she have survived out there? Minutes? An hour? Everything that Erica had done over the last few months, her anger towards Channel 6, her insecurities about her age and her sense of self, it was meaningless. More than meaningless, it was pathetic.
It had taken waking up to an empty tent and chasing Molly deep into the Swedish forests to realize it, but all that mattered to Erica had been right in front of her the whole time – her family, the people she loved.
Molly crouched down, wrapping her arms around Erica’s shoulder. ‘It’s OK. I’m OK now.’
Erica sniffed and nodded. ‘It’s not just that. It’s everything. I’ve been such a fool.’
‘We all make mistakes,’ Molly said, lifting her face to look first at Noah then Henry. ‘It’s what you do afterwards that counts.’ Another sob escaped Erica’s throat. She raised her gaze to Henry. ‘Can we go home now?’
‘No.’ Henry shook his head causing a pain to squeeze Erica’s heart. ‘I’ve just paid for a night’s stay in a luxury cabin.’
‘Oh.’ Erica laughed. ‘All right then.’
Erica lifted her eyes and met Noah’s gaze from a few metres away. She hadn’t spoken to him about Billy, even now, after he’d helped to find Molly, and after he’d told them both about that night, she still didn’t have the words to speak to him. Maybe she never would. She smiled. It wasn’t enough to convey everything that passed between them in the last week but for now it would have to be enough. Noah smiled back and gave a small nod of his head.
***
Erica sunk into the bath, her skin tingling from the heat of the water. The warmth enveloped her like a hug. She leant her head against the cushion and sighed. ‘This is the best bath I’ve ever had.’
She closed her eyes, feeling the steam open the pores on her skin and cleanse her from the cold. It took her another minute to realize the water on her cheeks were tears, falling free down her face.
‘Room for another?’ Henry’s voice bounced off the tiled walls.
Erica opened her eyes, a smile stretching across her face. Henry stood in the doorway naked. Her Henry, her husband, with his shock of dark chest hair, and the extra few inches around the middle, and the long long legs, cute pale bum. A tingle of desire stirred in her body.
She nodded and pulled her legs up to make room, stretching them either side of Henry as he slipped into the bath.
‘Ow this is hot.’
‘It’s perfect.’
‘No, it’s hot. Ow ow ow, my hair is singeing.’
‘You are such a wimp,’ Erica said, laughing.
‘Can we add a bit of cold?’ He pulled a face and inhaled a breath between his teeth.
‘No.’ She smiled. ‘Suck it up. I’ve been lost in the wilds of the Arctic for the last twenty-four hours.’
‘Do you want to talk about it?’
‘Later. I’d rather talk about us. If there is an us?’ She bit down on her lip and stared across at Henry’s face.
‘I’m still so bloody angry with you, Erica. I need you to know that.’
She nodded. ‘I know. I’m sorry.’
‘But I still love you. We are still married, OK? Reading your book was like opening up your mind and seeing inside for the first time. It’s funny too. Really funny.’
‘Thank you. I enjoyed writing it.’
‘But I still don’t understand why you lied. Sometimes I almost think I get it, but then I don’t. I think the hardest thing, is that I thought we were doing all right. I know life was hectic but I thought we were a happy family.’
‘Telling you made it real,’ she said, closing her eyes and wishing again that she could undo it all. ‘I think I didn’t tell you because I knew it would make it real. You would’ve worried about the money and gone back to full-time work, leaving me to take over Isla’s care. And I was scared. I still am. You’re so good with her –’
‘So are you,’ Henry cut in, his voice strong so that she opened her eyes to look at him once more. Hurt etched across his face, but there was something else there too. Love – she thought, hoped.
Erica sighed and allowed the heat to throb through her body before she spoke. ‘Isla is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I want to be her mother, and I definitely don’t want Isla to be an only child like I was, but I’m scared, Henry.’
‘Scared of what?’
‘I’m scared that I’ll lose myself, or I’ll start to feel like I’m losing myself, and I’ll get resentful and Isla will sense it. What if I wake up one day having spent so much of my life caring for our children that I don’t want to do it any more? I’m scared I only have so much love to give, and if I use it up too quickly it will run out, and I’ll become …’ she shrugged ‘… my mother.’
Henry lurched forward, sloshing hot water over the rim of the tub. ‘You’re not your mother, Erica. You never will be.’
‘How do you know?’ she cried.
‘Do you ever remember a time when your mum wanted to spend time with you over seeing her friends for afternoon tea at The Savoy or playing Bridge?’
‘No.’ Erica shook her head. The movement freed two teardrops, which ran down her face and onto her bare chest.
‘Do you ever remember your mum reading to you at night? Or how about staying up with you all night and rocking you to sleep when you were ill? Did your mother ever pull silly faces just to make you laugh?’
‘No.’ Erica smiled as an image of Isla’s giggling face filled her mind.
‘Do you think she ever did any of those things?’
‘No.’
‘Nor do I. So you see, you’re not like your mother, and you never will be. If you want to work because you love your job, then work, but don’t do it because you’re scared to spend time with Isla, or because you think you should work, like Sasha in your book. That’s just stupid.’
Erica smiled at the mention of Sasha. Henry had read something in Erica’s words that she’d not even seen herself at first. When Erica had first sat down at a long polished wood desk in the British Library, she’d done it to tell a story. She’d hadn’t meant to address her own issues and insecurities, let alone scratch the surface of society’s ‘have it all, do it all,’ expectation on women, and yet it had leaked out in the voices of her characters and their lives.
‘What about us?’ Erica opened her eyes, dropping her voice another fraction. ‘Have I ruined us?’
Henry reached out, taking both her hands in his. She felt his fingers rub against the band of her wedding ring before moving to her wrist and tugging her through the water, their bodies meeting in the middle. ‘I love you, Erica. I hate it that you lied to me. Really hate it, but it doesn’t mean I’m going to stop loving you. I need a little time to process it all, but your book helped. You’re the strongest person I know. I don’t understand why motherhood has to be about letting go of something and why can’t it be about gaining something, but I also get it too. Our lives are no longer our own.’
Erica nodded, leaning closer and wrapping her hands across Henry’s back. His skin was damp and hot from the bath water. There was something symbolic about sitting opposite each other in the bath. There was nowhere to go, no clothes or phones to hide behind. It was just them, stripped bare Erica and Henry. Naked, raw, honest.
‘What do we do now?’ she asked.
‘Let’s book a holiday for the three of us. Our first proper holiday. Somewhere with a crèche so we can spend some time together too.’
‘And warm please,’ Erica said.
Henry smiled. ‘Let’s not talk about babies any more. Let’s just be us for a while. I feel like we’ve lost each other. But no more crazy work hours, no more lies. Promise?’
Erica nodded, the relief too great to voice. They’d be OK.
Erica bent her head down and kissed Henry’s neck. ‘I love you.’
A moment later she felt his fingers travel down her back, causing a wave of desire to sweep through her body, washing away the emotion of the past twenty-four hours as easily as the tide washing away writing on the sand.