Mandy
“Do another shot!” I encourage Elizabeth. I shouldn’t because it’s not really good behavior, especially for a bridesmaid, but who cares? I’m getting married tomorrow. Tonight is all about poor choices and having fun. Tonight is all about enjoying the world around me for a little bit longer because tomorrow?
Tomorrow everything changes.
Elizabeth takes a shot glass from the waitress and smiles at me. She holds up the glass and all of my other friends turn to see her speech.
“To Mandy!” She says, and they all drink.
Quality speech, I think, rolling my eyes. Okay, so maybe she’s a little more drunk than I thought. It’s fine. We’ll just stay until one, and then we’ll leave. It’s fine.
Samantha comes back to the table to tell me she’s leaving with this guy she met. I’m not surprised. They’ve been hanging out all night and to be honest, he seems pretty cool. Neither one of them has had very much to drink, so I don’t think she’s making any crazy choices.
“Turn your cell phone locator on, and text me in the morning,” I tell her.
“Yes, Mom,” she rolls her eyes.
“Hey, better to be safe than murdered by a handsome secret serial killer.”
“Yeah, you’re right,” she looks over at Gilbert. “He is pretty handsome.”
“Yeah, yeah, go have your fun.” I wave her off. “But don’t be late to the wedding!”
Samantha just waves. She heads back to her new guy, and they both wave to me before leaving Drinking Games. It’s just as well. My sister deserves to have a little bit of fun. She’s always so serious, always so responsible. For just one night, it would be nice if she could just relax.
Hell, I want that for myself.
It’s not that I don’t want to get married.
I do.
I really, really do.
It’s that planning a wedding has been the most terrible experience of my life. You know what’s not fun?
Picking out wedding flowers.
Who the hell knew there were so many choices?
More than that, there are so many choices that you have to worry about getting it “right.” A wedding isn’t one of those things where there’s a right or wrong answer. No, at a wedding, you have to be worried that you’re pleasing everyone from your grandmother to your great aunts to your groom’s mother’s aunt’s cousin.
It’s exhausting, and I am tired.
Maybe that’s why I’m not drinking tonight.
Part of me is so exhausted that all it’s going to take is a tall glass of beer to put me right to sleep. I don’t need that. None of us need that, so instead of drinking the night before my wedding, I’m the designated driver, and I’m just hanging out while my friends have all the fun.
It’s totally okay because I’m not bitter at all.
“Rough night?” The voice is deep, and when I turn around, I see the man who was sitting at the bar earlier with Samantha’s friend.
“You have no idea.”
“Having been married before, I beg to disagree.”
“In that case, I think I can be honest. Yes, it’s a bit of a rough night.”
“Can I buy you a drink and listen to you pour your heart out?”
I shake my head. “I’m not drinking tonight.”
“How about a soda?”
I look at my bridesmaids. Two of them are on the tables, dancing. A couple of guys are standing nearby, laughing and cheering, egging them on. I picked this bar, out of all the bars in the city, because I thought it would be tame and relaxed. It’s got such a chill atmosphere and a cool vibe that even though this is place is busy all the time, it’s never overwhelming to be here.
And what I need right now are things that aren’t overwhelming.
“Yeah,” I tell the guy. “That sounds great.”
“My name’s Craig,” he offers as we head over to the row of barstools.
“Mandy.”
“The bride-to-be?”
“The one and only.”
The bartender comes over and smiles at me.
“What can I get you, sweetie?”
“Just a Sprite, please.” She brings the drink quickly and I hand her a five, but she shakes her head.
“Designated drivers drink for free,” she smiles. I try to tip her, but again, she shakes her head. “I appreciate it, but consider this my wedding gift to you.” She disappears and I shoot Craig a questioning look.
“I know,” he says, and then he lowers his voice conspiratorially. “And she’s the owner, too. It’s almost like she doesn’t even want to make money.” He winks at me and I laugh, instantly put at ease.
I instantly feel comfortable with this guy and I’m not really sure why, but it’s a good feeling: one I could get used to.
“So,” he says. “Are you excited?”
“About the wedding?”
“About any of it.”
“Oh, of course. It’s going to be so great. I mean, it was a bitch to book the caterer, but we finally found someone good, and then we-”
“Hey,” Craig interrupts me and gently places his hand on mine. “I’m not your mom, Mandy. I’m not your aunt. I’m not your bridesmaid. You don’t to bullshit me.”
I look at him then, my eyes going wide, and I nod, slowly. Relief pulses through my veins as I realize that right now, right here, tonight, I can be honest for just a little while. I can be truthful.
I can be me.
“I’m terrified,” I whisper.
“Good. You should be. Marriage is scary.”
“No,” I tell him, shaking my head. “I mean, I’m really terrified.”
“Does he hurt you?” His eyes narrow. “Are you asking for a way out?”
“No,” I shake my head. “None of that. It’s just that…”
How do I explain this?
How do I put this into words in a way that won’t make me sound totally, completely, certifiably nuts?
“We’ve been together forever,” I tell him. “And marriage just seemed natural. You know, like the next step.” I make air quotes as I say it because right now, I’m wondering whether this is all worth it.
Is getting married really worth all the trouble?
“What’s your fiance’s name?”
“Mike.”
“Mike and Mandy. Cute.”
“Thanks. His last name is Martin.”
“That’s a lot of M’s.”
“We’re having M ‘n’ M candies at the wedding reception. Actually, it’s the theme of the entire wedding.”
A look of disgust crosses Craig’s face, and I burst into laughter.
“I’m messing with you,” I tell him.
“Thank goodness.”
He takes a long sip of his beer and I use this moment to really study him. Craig can’t be much older than me: maybe 30, 35. He’s got stubble, but not enough to look unkempt: just enough that maybe he hasn’t shaved in a couple of days. Maybe he’s been busy, or stressed. Maybe his job doesn’t require him to be cleanshaven.
His clothes are nice. Nothing fancy, but he looks like he’s in his element here. He looks comfortable. He looks happy. He looks like the kind of guy who knows how to get what he wants, and he looks like the kind of guy who goes after that.
“Well, Mandy, what first attracted you to Mike?”
“What do you mean?”
“His eyes? His smile? His sense of humor? Had to be something, right?”
I think about it for a long minute, and then I smile.
“When we first met, he seemed so sure of himself. He was so confident, right off the bat. We were at youth group, of all places, and he was playing basketball. I was the new kid, and I felt out of place. I’d always been awkward and shy, but being thrust into a group of teenagers who already knew each other was taking it to a whole new level.”
“That must have been tough.”
I nod. “He saw me standing around and instead of ignoring me, the way everyone else was, he came over. He tossed me the ball, and I caught it, and he said I was on his team. I thought he was brave, and I thought, at that moment, that I wanted to marry someone like that.”
“That’s quite the story.”
“Yeah, well, he’s quite the guy.”
“So why the fear?”
“Sometimes I wonder if it’s just the stress of planning the wedding. Sometimes I wonder if I’m just kidding myself that this thing between us will work.”
“Why wouldn’t it work?”
“Look at the divorce statistics, man,” I shake my head. “You think any of those brides walked down the aisle thinking they were going to be just another statistic? I don’t want to be.”
“I’m going to let you in on a little secret,” he says.
“Tell me. Please.”
“Divorce isn’t always a bad thing.”
Well, I was expecting words of wisdom and maybe an anecdote or two, but I was definitely not expecting that.
“Let me guess: you’re divorced.”
He holds up his bare left hand. “Guilty.”
“What happened?”
“It doesn’t really matter. Not the details. What matters is that after you get married, things are going to change. Sometimes this is a good thing, and sometimes this is a bad thing, but change is inevitable.”
“So what are you saying? That I have no control over whether I get divorced or not? That my marriage is either doomed to fail or it isn’t?”
“I’m saying that divorce isn’t something you need to be thinking about on your wedding day, but it’s also not the end of the world.”
“I guess you’re right. Lots of people are divorced and still end up happy,” I pick up my Sprite and sip it. “It’s just that I really want everything to be perfect. Our wedding was so hard to plan, and I want the marriage to be just as good as the wedding.”
“That’s up to the two of you. You’re going to have hard times, Mandy. You’re going to fight and bicker and hurt each other. That’s all normal. It’s all part of the process.”
“I don’t want it to be.”
“That’s just how love works,” the bartender appears again.
“Wise beyond your years, ‘eh?” Craig asks her, and she just shakes her head. Then she turns to me, and she promises me that everything is going to be just fine. She tells me that I’m going to be a beautiful bride. She tells me that no matter what happens, as long as I believe in Mike, as long as I believe in hope, that everything will be okay.
And you know what?
I believe her.