I was awake before the sun rose. I wasn’t sure I’d slept at all. The memories of my night with Ryker assaulted my mind, twisting and turning and tumbling in my head with such ferocity that sleep had been impossible.
Ryker was in the other room, only feet away from me for the first time in years, and all I wanted to do was go to him. I wanted to know what his arms would feel like if I slid next to him on the small pull-out couch. I wanted to feel, just one more time, what it would be like to be loved by him.
Fear of failure, fear of Black Death, and fear of allowing myself to get close to him only to lose him again kept me hidden under the fluffy white comforter. I was in a bed that was more comfortable than anything I’d ever slept in, and yet it felt too large, too empty, and too cold. The one person in my entire life that I’d ever wanted to share a bed with was too close and too far away at the same time.
But I knew Cain would expect a report and he would be waiting impatiently until I arrived at Penny’s to give it to him—to tell him I’d done my job and that Ryker would be leaving and never coming back again.
The thought of Ryker’s words from the previous night, the deal with Black Death and them freeing me… it was too impossible to accept. It would never happen. Cain had made it clear that he would never let me go.
Fools. The Nordic Lords, Ryker included, were fools if they thought Cain was a man of integrity. If he was, I wouldn’t have spent months tied to a chair, forced to perform, and then beaten until I did it perfectly.
Cain had managed to beat all my hopes and dreams out of me with the lashes from his belt and his whip.
Which made Ryker dangerous. His dark, deep eyes that had showed so much emotion last night when he spoke and watched me reminded me of dreams that would never come to fruition.
I would never have a good life.
I would never have a life at all.
It was time I finally accepted that, and it was time to do the job Cain required of me.
I had to get Ryker out of town, despite everything inside of me screaming to hold on to him and never let him go.
With a resolve blossoming in my painfully tight chest, I found the courage to climb out of bed and somehow say my final good-byes to Ryker. It was for the best. It would protect not only my heart, but my life, as well as my mother’s.
Even though Ryker had been right the night before; she had never been any sort of mother any daughter should want to protect.
I quietly dressed in a pair of black jeans, red ballet flats, and a plain white T-shirt. Then I threw my long, barely brushed hair into a ponytail high on top of my head. A quick glance in the mirror showed a pale-faced, beaten woman with no hope left.
It was how I always felt. I was so fucking tired of it.
But it was my life, and it was time I remembered it.
Slowly, so I didn’t wake him if he was still sleeping, I pulled down on the levered door handle and pried the door open a few inches. It was then that the muffled voice I heard coming through the door sliced a wound through my chest that would never be repaired.
“I know, kiddo… your daddy misses you, too…”
Ryker’s voice. Tears of pain immediately swelled in my eyes and I was too stunned, too shocked. I didn’t know what I felt, but it prevented me from moving. I should have closed the door or made my presence known immediately.
Instead, I stood with my hand burning against the door handle and listened to every word he spoke into the phone like the masochist I had become. A lover of pain.
Each word he spoke cut deep and wide into my chest until I was sweating. But still, I kept listening.
“I’ll be home soon… love you, too… can you put your mom on the phone for me?”
Love you. Your daddy misses you… your mom…
He had a kid. The only man I had ever loved, the only man I had ever willingly touched or ever cared for… I’d been replaced.
He’d moved on.
My nose stung and my eyes burned. The door handle I was staring at became a blurry ball of silver in my hand.
And still, I continued listening.
“I know, Meg… I’m so sorry… I’ll be home soon. Two days. Tell Brayden I’ll see him then… you too, sweetheart.”
Though his voice was muffled through the door, I heard his kindness and reverence as he spoke to the woman. He talked to her like I used to relish him talking to me. Like a man in love.
I hated Meg. I didn’t know her and I would never see her, but it didn’t stop feelings of hatred from rising up from somewhere deep inside my soul.
I had to get out of there. It was clear that any hope I ever had with Ryker—even when I denied myself having that hope—was worthless.
He was gone. Then what the fuck was last night? A chance to absolve himself from his responsibility or his regret he had in leaving me behind? What difference did it make?
He had a family.
Family.
The shock drained the blood from my face as I stood, wild-eyed and feral feeling, and I scanned every surface in my hotel room. I was cornered with no way out. The room was too high to jump out the window and leave without seeing him again. There was no option.
I had to get out of there. And Ryker had to go. I never wanted to see him again.
Prying my burning fingertips from the door handle, I grabbed my suitcase, lifted the handle, and entered the living area.
Ryker noticed me immediately and was on his feet, walking toward me. I pushed the small suitcase in between us, putting something—even as small as it was—in between us. A buffer. My black, worn out overnight bag was my damn protector.
Family. I love you, too. Your daddy misses you.
I squeezed my eyes shut, tuning out the voice in my head and the pounding pain in my chest. I was trained to be better than this. I rolled my shoulders as Ryker pressed his hands into his jeans pockets and I forced myself to recall every whip and lash, I had received by Cain when he wanted me to behave a certain way.
Fucking love it, Diamond. Suck his cock like you love it. Smile like he’s your goddamn hero.
I remembered all of it. It was the only way to leave here without any more lashes hitting a direct target on my beaten heart.
“Are we done?” I asked.
A frown line appeared between Ryker’s eyes. “Done with what?”
“Your night? You obviously didn’t hire me last night to fuck me. I wanted to make sure you didn’t need anything else before I go.”
“Fuck…?” He shook his head and ran a hand through his hair. His eyes danced to the empty bedroom and back to me. I watched his jaw tighten and my fingers curled tighter around the suitcase handle. “What the hell is wrong with you today?”
“Your payment, Ryker. You paid for a night, not the next day. And I have other appointments, so…”
“What the hell, Faith?” His eyes widened. I wished I didn’t care, but being a bitch was the only way I was getting out that room.
“Listen.” I waved my hand, dismissing him. “Last night was fun, the whole walk down memory lane, but you’re leaving so there’s no point in talking about anything. You want to go against Black Death? Go for it. But we both know you’ve got more important shit going on back home than worrying about me. So if you wouldn’t mind—”
My words were cut off immediately when Ryker was suddenly in front of me. My suitcase was the only thing separating us as he leaned down until his face was inches from mine.
“Shut up.”
My mouth dropped open and then snapped close. He was so close I could smell him. I could see the scruff on his cheeks and my reflection in his dark, beautiful eyes. Dark, long lashes that had always made me jealous. A jawline that screamed sexy masculinity.
And his hand was on my chin, forcing me to face him. He examined me slowly, our breath the only sound in the room as they mingled together. My knuckles ached in pain from the death grip I had on my suitcase.
“You heard me on the phone.” His eyes volleyed back and forth between mine. His lips turned up slightly at the edges. “It’s not what you think.”
I ripped my chin out of his warm grasp and immediately felt cold. I hated him.
I wanted to hate him.
I couldn’t though, and I hated that more.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Can I go now?”
I took a step back and pulled the suitcase with me, but Ryker’s hand came down and tightened over my fist on the handle, stopping me.
Slowly, his fingers uncurled every one of mine and the suitcase was pushed away before it thumped to the floor. The small sound didn’t break the stare between us. Nothing could pull my eyes away from Ryker as he moved forward again, forcing me to take another step back.
Amusement lit in his eyes, and I felt my pulse increase.
When my back hit the wall, Ryker moved closer until only a breath of space separated us. His hand reached out and gently ran down my jaw before he cupped my cheek in his large, firm, and calloused hand. It felt divine. Against my better judgment, I leaned in.
Home. He felt perfect, precisely like I remembered. Exactly like the man I’d always wanted and loved. All hard lines. Intimidating and safe at the same time. I mewled in frustration and anger, yet in lust and comfort.
I swallowed, unable to look at him. I wanted to treasure this moment—this perfect moment—forever. Because in a minute, I would say good-bye and Ryker would go home to his family—to his son and a woman named Meg.
“We still have shit to talk about.”
There was nothing left to talk about. There was nothing to say that could fix the pain slicing my chest wide open.
I shook my head and exhaled. It was long and deep and all I could do was focus on his warm skin on mine and his masculine scent. Heavenly. Sexy. So perfect and so incapable of ever being mine again. I swallowed the thickness in my throat.
“I need to go.” I kept my eyes closed until I felt the weight of Ryker’s firm body pressing against mine. His thighs hit mine until my hips were pinned to the door. His other hand moved until it was pressed against the wall behind my head. “And you need to go home.”
I stared at our bodies connected at the waist.
His breath tickled the skin at my jaw up to my ear as he breathed along my skin. Goose bumps exploded on my arms and the hairs on the back of my neck stood tall.
His lips pressed again my jaw, softly, and only one time. My body shivered beneath him. Why was he doing this to me?
Cain’s voice bellowed in my head, reminding me of my mother’s impending death if I screwed up.
“I’m not leaving here today until we can fix what we broke.”
I scoffed at him. Everything was broken. Everything was a huge pile of messy fucking shit that couldn’t be fixed. I couldn’t be. What he implied was ridiculous. He had his own family.
With a strength I didn’t know I possessed, I fixed my eyes on Ryker’s. My lips pulled into a tight line while I fought the urge to allow myself to become wrapped in his arms.
I blinked and swallowed. My hands moved to his chest, and I pushed him away.
His step faltered, surprised by my strength.
“Like I said, there’s nothing left to say. I get it. I get why you left, and while I’m not sure why you’re back, I wish you the best of luck in whatever…” I waved my hand in the air and noticed my fingers trembling. “But whatever you’re looking for from me, unless it’s a quick fuck, isn’t going to happen.”
He growled and closed the distance. His eyes narrowed and his hands clasped my cheeks. “Stop talking about yourself like that.”
I slapped his hands away. Screw him for trying to think I was better than what I had become.
“I’m a whore, Ryker.” My lips curled into an evil smile. “Do you know how many men I’ve been with? Do you know how many men I’ve enjoyed being with?” I shook my head and choked down the bile that rose in my throat.
His eyes widened, his teeth clenched together, all while the blood drained from his face.
I tried to slap his hands away, but he only gripped me tighter. So I kept talking. Anything to get him out of there.
“Maybe I like it. Did you ever stop to think about that?”
“Shut up.”
“The men… their hands on me. Pleasing me…”
“Shut the fuck up, Faith!” He screamed it right into my face. I felt his muscles shaking with rage as he bellowed right in front of me.
Then his lips slammed into mine. I gasped instantly, shocked from the feel of his skin on mine. His lips forcefully pressed against mine, and as soon as my mouth opened, his tongue invaded my mouth.
This wasn’t a kiss. This was him claiming me. This was him reminding me that I was better than all the lies I had spewed out of my mouth. It took one second for me to surrender to him. My hands flew to his wrists and I grabbed hold of him. His hips pressed into my waist until we were completely connected from the waist down.
A growl escaped his lips as he pushed me harder into the wall.
I grabbed his hair, pulling him closer.
His hips rolled, proving his excitement. His hands moved from my cheeks back to my scalp and he dug his fingers into my skin.
I whimpered against him. Tears poured from my eyes as my knees shook. I tried to enjoy every single second of this kiss and his touch. It consumed me. He devoured me with his tongue and his lips and the warmth of his skin.
“Faith,” he growled, pulling back until his lips were simply brushing against mine. I stared at him wide-eyed. My hands were fisted into shirt at his shoulders. “You’re not a fucking whore.”
The reminder smacked me straight into my chest. Because I was. And it was time he remembered it, like I had done earlier.
I swallowed, pried my fingers off his shirt, and wiped away the tears.
His fingers were still at the back of my head, massaging my scalp and loosening my ponytail.
My heart beat wildly against my chest. I swallowed, regaining my control and slowing my erratic breathing.
“What I am,” I started, staring at Ryker’s pulse on his neck that was beating in time with mine. “Is a body that is bought and used for a man’s pleasure. That’s all I’ll ever be.”
I almost believed myself. His fingers dug into my scalp before I managed to push him off of me again.
“Why are you doing this?”
“Doing what, Ryker?” I asked, my voice rising in frustration and lust. “Telling you the truth?” I leaned in closer to him, my hands balled into fists at my sides. “I was bought and paid for. You can think that you guys can come in and save the day or whatever knight in shining armor scenario you’re imagining, but that doesn’t, for one single second, change the reality of who I’ve become.”
“You’re not a whore!” His face went red with rage as he screamed at me again.
“I fuck men for money and I like it!” I screamed back. Shock and anger lined the features on his face. His chest rose and fell under his fitted white t-shirt. “Jesus, Ryker. I’m not the twenty-year-old girl you used to know. Can’t you just accept it?”
“No.” He shook his head fervently back and forth. His eyes squeezed shut and pain replaced the anger. “I can’t.”
I reached around him and grabbed my suitcase, pulling it toward me before he could say anything else.
“I’m sorry,” I shrugged. “But that’s not my problem.”
He scrubbed a hand down his face and fixed his eyes back on me. “Why are you doing this?”
A quiet scoff escaped my lips. “Doing what, Ryker? Accepting the reality of my life? What do you want from me?” I leaned forward, sneering. “Are you going to save me and whisk me away back to New Orleans and have us live happily ever after?”
His skin blanched. Right. Because he had that whole family thing going on that he couldn’t introduce me to.
“Or would you prefer to keep me here? Don’t you realize that if you save me from Black Death, if they keep their end of the agreement, you’re still going to leave and I’m still going to be here with the same pile of problems I had five years ago?”
“I will do anything I have to in order to get you out from their control.”
“And then what?” I prodded. Frustration and anger prickled the small space between us as we argued in the entry way of the hotel room. “I already told you if you came here for my forgiveness, you have it. What else do you want?”
“I want you!” he yelled again, his own eyes widening in surprise as the words escaped his lips.
My heart beat frantically. I blinked away the tears. God that sounded good to hear. If only he meant it in the way I wanted him to mean it.
“You can’t have me,” I lied. He could. If it was a different time, under different circumstances, he could totally have me. “There’s nothing left of me to give anyone.”
“Faith,” he pleaded, his hand reaching for me. I dodged it and moved to the door, opening it before he could get to me.
In the doorway, I turned to face him.
“Go back to New Orleans, go back to your rig, and go back to taking care of people who want you around.” I brushed at my nose and wiped away the wetness that stained my cheeks. “I don’t need you fighting for me.”
“Three weeks, and I’ll be back for you,” he stated. “I’ll take you out of here, somewhere safe. Somewhere you’ll never have to think of this place or your life here ever again.”
“You don’t get it,” I snapped. “If you come back here again and if you believe Black Death will give you what they claim, people will end up dead.” I pulled in a deep breath and exhaled. “Do you really want more death—more blood—on your hands?”
He winced visibly and I took my escape.
Away from the only good thing in my life and back to my dark, lifeless reality.