Derrick wondered if it was possible to be in denial while also having completely accepted your fate. It was a conundrum for the ages, a paradox that just couldn’t be. He completely believed everything Rowan told him, about the deliveries for his boss and what the cops wanted him to do. At the same time, he had a hard time actually associating this information with the man he had come to know so well over the past couple of weeks.

Criminals who shuttled drug needles around didn’t have coral pink as their favorite color. They didn’t admit that their favorite book series in the entire world was the Animorphs, despite the fact that they hadn’t read a single book from the franchise since they were 13. They didn’t kiss tenderly or have sex so sweetly and attentively, or share that they still somewhat believed in Santa Claus because one time his parents had managed to get an entire desk in his room on Christmas without him noticing anything amiss. They didn’t cuddle, or hold hands when going for walks, or tolerate boring stories from music teachers about their favorite students.

Criminals didn’t make you so happy to get up in the morning that your Dawn Song was filled with dancing, staccato notes.

Yes, Derrick had often joked around with Rowan and called him a criminal. He thought he’d been exaggerating, that it could be considered a joke because all Rowan had done was trespass. Every time you accidentally stepped on someone’s lawn, it was considered trespassing; it wasn’t a real crime.

Now, the truth had come to light. Rowan was really a criminal. One who was now trying to help the cops bring down the person he was working for, but a criminal all the same.

Derrick didn’t know whether to be upset because he’d actually been making digs at Rowan this whole time without knowing it or because he had been lied to.

Both. Neither? The whole thing was too fresh to make any sense of right now. He felt as confused as a French horn, having dozens of odd parts that didn’t make any sense. There was no order to it that he could see.

Rowan watched him, looking as hopeful as a man could be while trying to restrain his emotions. His hazel eyes were wide, his rugged features softened somehow as he waited to hear what his fate would be.

I don’t know what to do.

Rowan must have heard his thoughts or else seen the look on his face because he sighed and started to stand up from the couch. “I should go,” he said.

Derrick couldn’t look at him for a moment. That would probably be the best for both of them. Pretty soon, Derrick would need to prepare for his reintroduction into the school system. It wouldn’t be easy to pick up where someone else had left off with his kids, and they would undoubtedly have questions he couldn’t answer. Kids heard things. They talked. They would have some idea of what had gone on and their questions would be fierce, painful. It would be a daily challenge to wrestle them back on topic so they could get any work done.

With all that going on, there was no way that the two of them could continue on like this. Nip this in the bud, before it got too serious. After all, two weeks was nothing. A two-week relationship could be ended without much in the way of fanfare. They didn’t live nearby, hadn’t moved in together. All they would have to do was to just stop trying to be together and that would do it.

Just stop doing everything they enjoyed, everything that had been making them happy.

“Wait,” Derrick whispered.

Rowan was already halfway to the apartment door, his hand already stretched out to grab onto the knob. He paused, head down, uncertainty lingering in his posture. “Yes?”

The coffee table was littered with the remnants of their lunch, sandwiches mostly torn apart without being eaten. Derrick picked up a piece of his just to have something to do with his hands. “I need to think about this. I just don’t know how I feel yet. I can’t make a decision right now.”

“So, you’re just going to leave me in suspense?” The alpha’s voice was teasing but his eyes were wan with hurt. His faux hawk seemed to droop with despair, lacking its former careful definition.

Derrick didn’t have it in him to even pretend to be playful in return. He just shrugged one shoulder. “I need to think.”

“I’ll let you think, then.”

Rowan left. The parting ritual they had only just begun to develop, a kiss at the door, a final wave from at the end of the hallway just before disappearing from sight, didn’t happen this time. Aching for the absence of the things he had only just started growing used to, Derrick slumped back against the couch and closed his eyes.

Through all his attempts at finding a relationship, searching for someone to spend his life with, he hadn’t ever been successful. No one satisfied him in all the ways he needed. No one seemed to understand that sometimes he just didn’t want to talk or that he occasionally needed some nudging to come out of his shell. He was labeled needy and difficult by the rest of the world, by people who hadn’t ever taken the time to get to know him.

Here was Rowan, who had turned all that on its head. Rowan paid attention to him but didn’t need to be actively engaged at all times. They were as fine with quietly enjoying the other’s company as they were talking animatedly, discussing whatever topic had managed to capture their attention. It wasn’t perfect, but Derrick knew there was no such thing as perfect.

It wasn’t quite a relationship, because neither of them had referred to it as such. They weren’t technically together even though they should have both considered themselves to be that way.

Rowan was everything that Derrick hadn’t found before, everything he needed that wasn’t there. The whole “criminal” thing had stood between them even when they were only joking about it, only now what had been a fence had become a brick wall. Such obstacles could be surpassed but would it be worth it in the end?

Did I maybe judge him too harshly?

There were no answers that he could see. Troubled, Derrick ignored the food on the coffee table and curled up on the couch. His thoughts were so heavy that it made up for the fact that he wasn’t tired. Depression was a wonderful sleeping pill, coming hard and fast, sweeping him away.

Like all sleeping pills, this one eventually wore off.

Unlike medications, and the bitter brew that depression could so often be, Derrick didn’t wake up groggy and dissatisfied. He had slept dreamlessly, probably because his mind was busy making plans and sorting things out. He wasn’t aware that this had happened until he awoke in the darkness of his own living room and thought, I can’t blame him for what he was.

Had he been standing, this realization might have made him have to take a seat. As he was lying down, he decided to do the opposite thing and stood up. His thoughts raced far ahead of him, and it was all he could do to chase them, pacing around and around his living room, up and down the hallway. When that proved to be useless, he went into his office and grabbed a sheet of scrap paper from one of the drawers on his desk. The page was a rejected remnant from one of the occasional times when he had tried to compose a piano piece; there would be no music notes written upon the paper this night, but plenty of words.

Derrick wrote until his hand cramped up. After a brief pause to eat his lukewarm sandwich that was still sitting out on the coffee table—thanking God it wasn’t ice cream—he returned to his desk and grabbed a new piece of paper. From his hastily-scribbled notes, he pulled out all the important parts and condensed them down into statements that actually made sense. From there, he made a list of questions and statements.

When all was said and done, he’d been working for a solid four hours and it was officially a new day. His hands were covered in smudges of graphite and his eyes were exhausted from all the staring. The rest of his body protested the unusual schedule he’d forced upon it, alternately achy and numb.

He was satisfied. Later on, he would call Rowan and they would have a proper discussion. They would get everything sorted out that should have been discussed a long time ago, and they would go from there.

Everything might go horribly, but he’d covered that in his notes and was prepared for it.

He went to bed and had a perfectly ordinary night’s sleep, aside from some dreams he couldn’t remember upon waking. After getting ready for the day, taking his time with it, he called Rowan and told him to come over as soon as possible.

Forty-five minutes later there was a knock at his apartment door and he went to answer it, knowing exactly who it would be.

He was both right and wrong. The wolf standing outside in the hallway was definitely wearing Rowan’s skin. However, it wasn’t any version of Rowan that Derrick had ever seen before.

The alpha wolf seemed to have gone hollow overnight, his shoulders slouched and his back stooping in a way that belied the rigorous, sculpted lines of his muscles. Dark, sleepless bruises marred the soft skin beneath his eyes, which were so devoid of feeling that they might as well have also been colorless. Having not lost any of his substance, Rowan instead had lost his spirit, his soul, the things that made him Rowan.

I wonder if this is what I looked like when he was telling me all that stuff he’s done. Like he’d just snatched something away from me.

That was it, then. The reason Rowan looked so absolutely terrible was because he expected Derrick to take all of this away from him. He had already given up on it.

Derrick took a step backwards and gestured for Rowan to come inside. Moving as if in a dream, the other man obeyed. He drifted over towards the couch and sat down on it with one ankle crossed over the other and his hands folded together, all without saying a single word.

“Rowan,” Derrick said. That was all he had. Everything else he wanted to say had been blown from his mind. He froze, going blank, before feeling the edge of the folded paper in his pocket poking into his skin.

Fetching the paper, he unfolded it with fumbling fingers and looked at all the bullet points and numbered questions he had so carefully crafted in a fit of inspiration last night. They were all so insignificant and foolish now.

They were all he had.

Clearing his throat, Derrick tried again. “Rowan, we need to get some things cleared up.”

“If you’re going to break up with me, you should just get to it,” Rowan replied, very flatly. His voice had no emotion at all. “Instead of reading that list of everything you hate about me, you should just cut right to the chase and dump me. Spare both of us the trouble. Although I’ll give you props for calling me here instead of doing it by text.”

Derrick stared at him, incapable of feeling hurt by this dismissive attitude because he was so full of disbelief. “How can we break up if we weren’t even together?”

Rowan’s distant mask lifted slightly, showing that he had some disbelief of his own to contend with. “We were spending every second we could together. How is it possible for you to think that we weren’t…together?”

I may have miscalculated something here.

Which meant his notes would be no good to him. He was on his own.

“We never…talked about it. We never said it out loud.”

“Is this elementary school? Do I have to ask to be your boyfriend now?” Rowan was smiling but his expression was filled with astonishment and no amusement at all. “I guess it doesn’t matter if you’re going to dump me, does it?”

“But I wasn’t going to dump you!” Derrick exclaimed. “Not unless you wanted to be!”

“Why would I want to be dumped?” Rowan held his arms out wide. “That doesn’t even make any sense!”

“I…don’t know. I just kind of assumed.” Derrick looked back down at his paper, completely baffled now. His stroke of genius, his meticulous process, none of it meant anything right now.

“Well, you know what they say about assuming: it makes you break up with your boyfriend for no reason.”

Derrick tossed his hands up into the air. “You’re being impossible! I wanted to talk to you not just dismiss you!”

“Oh.”

“I was going to ask if you ever saw us really being together, but I guess I got my answer for that.”

It was like a dream, the fact that someone would want to actually continue being in a relationship with him. He saw how stupid it was now to have accused Rowan of being impossible when he himself was the same damn way. That was why everyone else he’d dated had moved on to different people, because they said he was too much work.

What was a relationship if it wasn’t work? What was the point of apathetically being with someone if there was no mutual growth, no changes for the better?

Rowan was impossible. He was impossible. Together, they might actually be something.

Rowan remained silent while all these thoughts flowed through Derrick’s mind, probably watching them play out on his face. After a moment, he spoke. “I’ve never been much for relationships. You’re the first person I’ve ever met who I could see myself staying with.”

“For how long?”

“As long as you’ll have me.”

“But I’m serious, okay? I know it’s way too early to think about being mates or getting married or anything, but that’s what I want. I’m not dating just to have fun. I want…I want forever. That’s always been the problem.”

“Derrick,” Rowan said, cutting him off. His voice was calm and composed, commanding. It was a voice that belonged to an alpha, one, who knew what he wanted. “Listen to me. I want to be with you. Whatever you want. Wherever you see us being, I want that, too. It won’t be easy, but I promise you, I want it.”

Something very tight and tangled up inside Derrick’s stomach, a tumor of doubt that he hadn’t even been aware of until now, suddenly eased up. He hadn’t realized how hard it had been to breathe until that painful lump was gone. Everything in him went slack, and he reached out to the wall to support himself. “Really?” he whispered.

“Really,” Rowan whispered in response. He rose up off the couch and advanced on Derrick, cupping his face with his hand and brushing their lips together.

The last bit of tension inside him relaxed, and he leaned deeply into Rowan’s arms, breathing in the familiar and comforting scents of musk and wolf. “Okay,” Derrick murmured. His forehead rested gently in the hollow of Rowan’s shoulder. “I’ll believe you. But we still need to talk about some things.”

“Is that what’s on your paper?” Rowan teased softly. “Am I going to be interviewed?”

Derrick swatted at him with the piece of paper, which naturally did no harm. Nevertheless, Rowan pouted at him and then retaliated by scooping Derrick up into his arms.

Gasping, Derrick clung to the other man with all of his strength. The sensation of weightlessness, of being completely dependent upon another person for movement, was shocking and…surprisingly pleasant. He relaxed again and let Rowan take them both back over to the couch, where they leaned against the side and cuddled together in each other’s arms.

“So,” Rowan said. “What’s my first question?”

Derrick would have hit him with the paper again but he didn’t really have it in him to do so. Besides, he was too comfortable, enveloped quite snuggly by strong, capable arms. “I wanted to let you know that I have a lot of misgivings about this plan that you’ve got with the police. There are so many ways it can go wrong.”

“I know, trust me. I’ve thought of all of them.”

“How can you be sure that you won’t get caught or injured? What if the police just stick you right back in jail as soon as they’re done with you?”

“I can’t know that. I have to do it anyway. I don’t have any choice. I want as much time with you as possible, and if that meant putting myself at risk…”

I don’t know how I ever doubted that he had real feelings for me.

“But it’s more than that. I played a part in all of this. It’s only right that I should help unravel it.”

“You know, if you go back to doing things like this when all this is over, I’m going to have a real hard time accepting it?”

Derrick listen to Rowan chuckle against the top of his head, the sound almost like a purr. His heart felt warmed by it despite the subject they were discussing. “Baby, Derry, I’m not doing anything else after this that would risk my time with you. I never needed to do it in the first place. You don’t have to worry about me going back to it. I have learned my lesson. I am rehabilitated and ready to rejoin my fellow do-gooders on the right side of the path of life.”

“You are so full of it. You know that?”

“Oh, I’ve been told a time or two.”

Rowan lowered his head and Derrick gave him a kiss. Their lips wove words between them, saying things that couldn’t yet be spoken aloud for fear of rushing what they had tentatively made together. Promises were made, the content of which was as of yet unknown to them. Their bodies knew. Their hearts knew, even if their minds did not.

The kiss ended only gradually, and they moved on to talking about other things, covering every last stray thought that crossed their minds overnight.

Eventually, when there was no more to be said, talking turned into kissing once again. Rowan’s lips were soft and complacent, and the gentle prickling of his short, unkempt beard felt good in a unique sort of way. Complacency gradually melded into something more intense. Fingers tangled in Derrick’s hair, holding him in place. Derrick would have done anything the owner of those hands asked of him; when they started to press him down, he was only too happy to oblige.

With his tongue and his fingers, Derrick worked Rowan’s cock like he would play his guitars. Starting sweet, he ended fiercely. When Rowan was replete and had recovered enough, his touch held a question, pondering if Derrick wanted the same.

He did.