Twenty-Five
Kyle
Twelve Years Ago
“Roll up the fucking window,” the murderer hissed. “You have to be done puking by now.”
It had been at least a minute since I heaved. My stomach was empty, my body still shaking. But the cool night air felt good against my burning skin, and the wind that blew past my face seemed to pause the nightmare that kept replaying in my mind. It was the nightmare that had made me throw up in the first place.
Unfortunately, the pause was short-lived.
He rolled up the window, and he yanked my face back in the car.
“You’re a monster,” I spit. “Why don’t you let me out, so I can get the hell away from you?”
He slammed his fist into the steering wheel. “You weren’t supposed to be outside. Why the fuck weren’t you home? Asleep? What were you doing out there?”
“I was walking home from Garin’s.”
“Why didn’t you just stay the night there?”
I wanted to.
I should have fought Garin. I should have begged him to let me stay. Then, I wouldn’t have seen Paulie or the gun or the shot that took him to the ground. Or the blood.
But I wasn’t going to say that to him. I doubted he was looking for an answer anyway.
“Jesus fucking Christ, Kyle…I almost killed you.”
I’d heard him say something similar to that before. But, back then, we were just kids, and I was teasing him about something stupid, like the ridiculous porn he liked to watch in his room, and he would rant about how he wanted to kill me. It was a joke. All of that talk had been a joke back then. Meaningless banter that didn’t deserve a second thought.
But there was nothing funny about what he’d said just now. There were no more jokes, no more teasing. There could never be again. Kill. He’d made that word come true. He’d pulled the trigger. He’d murdered a friend, a best friend. The guy to my left, the one who had the same eyes as mine, had become a killer.
The drugs, the girls, The Heart. Whatever it was that had changed him, he wasn’t my brother anymore.
“Maybe you should have killed me,” I said.
“Don’t joke about that, Kyle.”
“I’m not joking, Anthony.”
I looked out the windshield as we passed through green light after green light. How was he not swerving all over the road? Not puking out his window? How did he not have tears running down his face, like mine?
Did he not understand what he did? Was he high? Too high?
Maybe he needed to be reminded.
“Do you know how many people you just damaged? Including me?”
He glanced at me quickly, his lip curled like something smelled terrible in the car. Not even the smallest bit of remorse was in his eyes. “I know what I did, and I don’t give a fuck. I told you, he deserved it. It’s been a long time coming. He’s fucking lucky I didn’t pull the trigger months ago.”
A monster.
“No one deserves to be killed. Especially not Paulie.”
“Stop running your mouth, Kyle. I don’t want to be schooled. I don’t want to hear how you don’t approve. I’m not in the mood to listen to you at all, so shut the fuck up or—”
“Or you’ll kill me?”
He jerked the car to the right, and the tires screeched. We hit grass and then pavement. Anthony slammed on the brakes. I gripped the handle on the door, trying to brace myself for what was about to come. I didn’t know if he was aiming for the pole up ahead or if he just wanted to scare me or if he was going to open my door and throw me out. He dodged a fire hydrant and two curbs, coming to a stop at the side of a strip mall.
He panted, but I knew he wasn’t out of breath. That was his way of trying to control his anger.
“Look at me.”
I waited a few seconds before I released the door. My body was so tense that it ached. My head pounded to the point of nausea, and every time I blinked, I saw the pool of blood. If I wasn’t so empty, I would have been projecting bile straight to the floor.
“Fucking look at me!”
I wrapped my arms around my churning stomach and glared at him. He didn’t even look the same. His eyes were hollow. His lips spread too thin. His cheeks sunken in.
“What have you done with my brother?”
“What have I done with him? I’m in the best place of my life right now. I have over twenty girls working for me, and I’m making a shit-ton of money. I’m about to hire twenty more. Do you know how much cash that’s going to bring in—in one night?”
That was what he considered a success? Employing women who sucked dick and spread their legs for cash?
He wasn’t just lost.
He was gone.
“I don’t care, Anthony. I don’t care about money, and I definitely don’t care about yours.”
“You’re going to care because I’m going to give you plenty of it to keep your mouth shut.”
“You can’t buy me.”
“That’s where you’re wrong, sister. I can do whatever the fuck I want because I’m the one holding the gun.” He slapped the gun on the armrest, keeping his hand on the butt and his finger on the trigger.
It wasn’t pointed at me, but it may as well have been.
“What the—ow!” I yelled as his other hand clamped my cheek. “Get off me.”
“You’re going to shut the fuck up and listen to me. I’m not going to fight with you, and I’m sure as hell not going to repeat myself.” He traced the gun down the side of my face.
I shivered—not just from the feel of the metal on my skin, but also from the power he had over me.
“You’re going to leave Atlantic City the second you graduate. You’re going to get yourself set up down south somewhere, somewhere like Florida. You’re going to go to college that I’m going to pay for. You’re going to open a business that I’m going to fund. You’re going to get a house that I’m going to purchase in cash. And, every month I’m going to drive down to Florida to check on you, and since my money isn’t safe in Jersey, you’re going to launder it for me. You’re my investment, Kyle. That’s your reward for keeping your mouth shut.” He released my cheek, but the gun stayed close.
“What if I say no?”
“Then, I’ll kill you.”
There was no hesitation in his voice. He said it as though he were announcing the weather forecast. And he looked at me as though I were trash on an already littered sidewalk. He could just point a gun at me and shoot.
His way or death.
It was all so simple for him.
“How am I supposed to face Garin and Billy? How can I act like I don’t know it was you who killed Paulie?”
“Stop being friends with them if you can’t handle it.”
“They’ll know something is wrong—” I cut myself off when I saw his eyes turn rabid.
“Make sure they don’t know.” He glanced down at the gun. “There’s only two people who were able to see inside this stolen car tonight. One of them is dead; the other is you. If anyone finds out about this, if I hear so much as my name whispered, it will be the end of you.”
The end of me…
He might as well have pulled the trigger right then.
Garin and Billy were my whole world. They were all I had. They were my best friends, my family. They kept me safe, fed, clothed.
But there was more.
I loved Garin. Things were going to happen between us. They were about to happen. We were taking it slow, but our relationship was moving forward.
And now?
Now, I had to give that up.
Give everything up.
Give them up.
I looked out the window, at the city outside the glass. Once I stepped out there, things were going to be so different.
They were going to be cold.
Dark.
Lonely.
Every day, I would be ravaged with guilt for not speaking the truth. For allowing Paulie’s murderer to roam the streets, the crime remaining unsolved. For being a coward.
I was no longer Kyle.
I was the person Anthony wanted me to be.