CHAPTER 24

THE PAST IS

THE FUTURE

LANCE

Some spans of time seem endless. The time between me fucking things up with Poppy and seeing her tonight, sitting on the other side of the Plexiglas barrier, felt more like years than days.

The span of time between hitting the locker room and arriving at the bar seems like it took more than an eon. Based on the messages between Randy and Lily, Poppy is here. I hope this is a want, not let situation. Between Lily’s sweetness and Violet’s pushiness, I’m not sure Poppy stood a chance against them.

At first I wasn’t sure what to think about her being at the game. Part of me was annoyed that they’d pulled her into the whole scene. But then I realized they did it to help me. And that if this is going to work out at all, Poppy has to meet all my friends, and their girlfriends and wives. More than that, I want her to, because they’re my surrogate family, the ones I chose to have in my life.

I can see Poppy as soon as I enter the bar. She’s sitting in the middle of my friends’ girlfriends. Sunny’s beside her. That’s good. Sunny is exactly as her name implies, and she’ll make Poppy feel comfortable.

“You need to chill out, man,” Randy says over his shoulder. “You’re more hyped up than me.”

I realize I’m pushing him. I clap him on the shoulder. “Sorry. I just don’t want her to disappear.”

“She’s not going anywhere.” He strokes his beard as he scans the crowd for Lily.

It takes an entire millennium to get across the room, and when I finally make it to the table, there’s absolutely nowhere for me to sit. I close in on Poppy and see that she’s holding something. No, wait. Not something, someone. Logan. Miller’s son.

I’m glad Miller and I are finally back to normal these days. After seeing me act like a mopey bitch for the past two weeks, it’s clear that what’s going on with me and Poppy is serious, and I really am done with Tash.

A warm feeling that overrides everything else settles in my chest as Poppy smiles up at me. She’s holding one of my best friend’s kids. This is the thing I’ve been missing—her, not the kid! There’s no way in the world I’m anywhere close to ready for that kind of lifelong commitment. But I’m so grateful for this family I have, and Poppy being part of it—at least in this moment.

Big picture, I need to find out what she wants, and if she’s willing to handle all the challenges that come with my life: the media circus, the long spans of time we’ll have to go without seeing each other. There’s more beyond that, but for now that’s as far as I’m willing to let the future unfold. The next five minutes are already uncertain. I can’t start planning in months until I know what she’s feeling.

She’s here, though. That has to mean something.

Logan’s little fist is wrapped around her pinkie, and he seems entranced by her swinging ponytail. He flails, and his chubby fingers get tangled in the thick locks.

Poppy makes a surprised sound, and she looks away from me to him as he tries to shove her hair into his mouth.

“Someone’s learning early how to get a girl’s attention,” I say.

“You’ve been coaching him, then?” Poppy asks.

“Oh! Logan! Ta-ta! Don’t eat Poppy’s pretty hair!” Sunny says, but I doubt he hears her over the noise.

I lean over Poppy as she tries to free Logan’s fingers. He’s got a solid grip, and he’s working hard to get his fist in his mouth. I take the end of her ponytail in one hand so he’s not yanking so hard on it, then wiggle my pinkie in until he’s gripping that instead of Poppy’s hair.

“Thanks,” she says.

It’s a million words all rolled into one. The weight of silence and time apart eases with that one softly uttered word.

I can feel myself smiling. “That’s my thing. Can’t have someone smoother taking my move.”

She turns and looks up at me, our faces only inches apart. It wouldn’t take much to erase the distance, but I don’t. We’re not alone, and I’m not yet invited into her space like that.

“He’s a little too aggressive about it to be smooth,” she tells me.

“So it’s still my thing?”

She nods solemnly. “Still your thing.”

“I’m glad you came to the game.”

She raises a brow. “I’m glad you were in the penalty box for less than three minutes.”

“I had a reason to behave.” I finger the end of her ponytail. It’s damp where Logan had it in his mouth, which should be sort of gross, but I don’t care.

“Hey! There’s my boy! Gimme my baby, Poppy from the garden!” Miller leans down and kisses Sunny, then holds out his arms with a big, silly grin on his face.

I step back and let them make the transfer.

“Should we go? To talk?” Poppy asks as soon as Miller moves away to show Logan to the guys. Waters is all over that freaking baby. I won’t be the least bit surprised when Violet’s in the same state as Sunny was not so long ago.

I crouch down so we’re eye to eye. “If you want. I mean, we can stay for a while, too. I like this.” I motion to the table and the chatter. “You here, with all the people who are important to me.”

Her smile is the balm I need.

“I’m glad you feel that way,” she says. “It’s been really nice to meet them. They all care so much about you. Violet and Lily were very persuasive.”

“I’m sure they were.”

“You’re right about Violet being crazy.”

“Right?”

“Let me find April. Then we can go talk without yelling at each other.”

I pull her chair out and help her put on her coat, mostly so I can touch her. She spots April, and I follow her finger as she points. Shit. Her friend is currently chatting with Rookie.

“You need to warn your girl off this guy,” I tell her.

“What? Why?”

“Unless she’s down for the hook up, Rookie’s a no-go.”

Poppy frowns. “She’s not like that.”

“I didn’t think so.”

I follow Poppy, who pulls April aside to tell her whatever she plans to tell her. At the same time I make a point of telling Rookie April’s not a bunny, and fucking her is off the table.

“Seriously, man, do not put your dick inside that girl. Not anywhere,” I warn.

He smirks. “Tongue and fingers still work, yeah?”

I grab his shoulder and squeeze a little. “Any part you put inside her, I’ll make you eat. How’s that sound?”

“Okay, okay, Romance. I hear you. What’s her deal?”

“You see the little redhead?”

He glances over my shoulder and checks Poppy out. “I sure do.”

I snap a finger beside his ear to get his attention back. “She’s mine.”

He blinks a couple of times. “Right. Sorry. Yeah.”

“And the girl you’re talking to is her friend, so either keep your dick in your pants tonight or find someone else to be interested in.”

“Right. Got it. Don’t touch the friend.”

“Or what?”

“You’ll feed me my—” He doesn’t bother to finish. His face says more than enough.

“Good man. Have fun tonight.” I clap him on the shoulder and turn to find Poppy and April engaged in an intense discussion. It ends with a hug, and then Poppy laces her fingers with mine.

It takes a half hour to get out of the bar because I must introduce her to at least twenty of my teammates. When we step outside, Miller and Sunny are there, too. Miller’s holding Logan, who seems to be drooling on his shoulder, while Sunny puts the car seat back in the limo.

Miller eyes Poppy, then me. “You guys want to catch a lift?”

There doesn’t seem to be any cabs around.

“There’s a concert at House of Blues tonight. Someone said it would take twenty minutes to get a cab, so we’re using the limo. It’s gonna circle back here after dropping us home,” Miller explains.

I can’t wait any more than I already have, so I motion for Poppy to get in first. A flash of memory hits me as I give her my hand and she steps inside: Miller drunk off his ass, me ushering girls into a limo, a red ponytail.

“Lance?” Poppy hesitates. “Do you want to wait?” She wiggles her hand in mine. I’m squeezing it. Tightly.

I loosen my grip. “No. It’s okay. It’s cold. We should go.”

I follow after her, more memories trickling in—ones I don’t want. I’m sure Poppy’s familiar with all of them. She settles beside me in the limo and takes my hand, her curious gaze questioning. I give her a tight smile, but say nothing.

Miller and Sunny work together to buckle in the car seat. It takes a few minutes, and all the while Poppy keeps stroking the back of my knuckles with her thumb.

“Are you okay?” she asks on a whisper.

“Yeah. Just some memories.”

“Of?”

“You before I remembered you.”

Her eyes are full of sad understanding as she leans in and presses a kiss against my shoulder. I can’t feel it through the layers of coat and shirt, but I appreciate the gesture.

Once the baby is secure, Miller gives the driver my address, checking with me to make sure he has the house number correct.

“We can drop you guys off first,” I tell Miller.

He frowns. “Your place is on the way.”

“I was thinking we’d go to Poppy’s.”

“Your place is fine,” she says, settling the debate before it can get started.

I don’t know how I feel about having this conversation at my house. The last time she was there, things didn’t exactly go well. But I don’t know how to argue with her, so I leave it alone.

Poppy and Sunny chat a little on the way, but it’s clear Sunny is tired. She keeps yawning, and her blinks get longer and slower. I’m too preoccupied with the conversation that needs to be had to really participate. My place isn’t all that far from the bar, and at this late hour, it doesn’t take long to get there.

We say a quick good-bye, and I get out first, helping Poppy as the driver holds the door open. She doesn’t let go of my hand as we walk up the steps to my front door. I try to see my house from her perspective, but all I have are flashes of Miller falling into my foyer and a red ponytail I didn’t get to touch that night.

I key in the passcode and step aside. Poppy releases my hand and crosses the threshold. Her fingers drift up to her lips as she scans the foyer. It’s open, with a view of the staircase leading to the second floor where the bedrooms are.

Poppy slips off her shoes and pads across the floor on bare feet with pale pink-painted toenails. I don’t bother taking my shoes off, too intent on following her around.

Her fingertips skim the edge of the side table where I keep my keys and mail as she passes through to the kitchen.

I come up behind her, unsure whether I have the right to touch her at all. “What are you thinking about?”

“How different I felt the last time I was here.”

“In a good way, or a bad way?”

“Good, I think.” She rests a hand on the granite countertop. “This is nice. Do you cook?”

“Not really.”

“I like to cook sometimes, but I don’t think I’m very good.”

“Better than me, I’m sure.”

A small laugh bubbles up. “Maybe. It’s not much fun when it’s just for one person, and then I have to eat the same thing for lunch and dinner for four days.”

She continues on to the living room, her gaze falling on the sliding glass doors. Her smile drops, and she crosses to them. Turning the lock, she slides it open. The cold makes her shiver, and she wraps her arms around herself as she steps outside.

I have no memories of her in the hot tub, and that bothers me. That whole night bothers me. I wish I could delete the entire night from her head like I’d mostly done in mine.

“I never made it outside, out here.” She gestures to the hot tub. “Kristi and Felicity came out with you and Randy, and I snuck away to the bathroom.”

“Maybe we should’ve gone to your place. I haven’t had anything to drink. We can go now.” I reach for her hand, but she shakes her head.

“No. I want to be here.”

“But the memories are bad ones.”

“We can replace them with good ones eventually, can’t we?”

I squeeze the back of my neck. She’s talking like there’s a future, which is good. I don’t want to jeopardize it with bad memories before we can even deal with the fallout of Tash.

Poppy circles the hot tub; on her way back around, she hooks her pinkie finger with mine. “Come on.”

I wish I knew what’s happening inside her head.

“I was so embarrassed.” Her voice is a whisper of sound.

“I’m sorry.”

She turns and presses a palm against my cheek. The contact is fleeting, but welcome.

“I know you are, and I know it’s for the right reasons.” She heads back to the kitchen and opens the cabinet next to the sink, where the glasses are. I don’t ask how she knows where to find them. She must have gone searching when she was here before.

“I must’ve stayed in the bathroom forever. I didn’t know what to do. My phone and wallet and keys were in Kristi’s purse, and she had it outside—but the hot tub… I couldn’t go out there. I knew Kristi wanted to hook up with you, and I just couldn’t—” She shakes her head. “I felt so dumb. I never thought I’d meet you again, and I’d certainly never dreamed it would go like that.”

I hate that she looks like she’s on the verge of tears. I wonder if she’s shed any in the days since I’ve last seen her. If she has, it’s my fault. “We don’t have to talk about this—”

“I want to. I need to.” She turns on the faucet and pours herself a glass of water, filling one for me, too. She takes a deep breath. “Eventually Miller’s pizza came. I thought maybe you’d all come back inside, but you didn’t. I snuck out and went upstairs, thinking I could wait it out and grab my things from Kristi’s purse.” She takes a sip of her water.

“But she brought it to my room,” I supply. Jesus. My stomach feels like someone’s kicking a lead balloon around inside it.

Poppy nods. “I didn’t know that, though. I fell asleep, and when I woke up it was late—or early, depending on how you look at it. I went downstairs, hoping I’d find it out by the hot tub, but of course it wasn’t there. So I had to stay.”

I consider what that must have been like, being stuck in someone else’s house with no way out. And God only knows what she imagined we were doing.

“And then in the morning I ignored you. Christ. Why do you even want to know me?”

“That one night doesn’t define who you are. I should’ve insisted Kristi give me my things. But I didn’t. I didn’t have to come back here, but I made the choice to. Those consequences are my own to deal with. I should’ve been honest with you right from the start, just like you should’ve been honest with me about Tash, but we weren’t.”

“I didn’t want to mess things up.”

She gives me a small, sad smile. “Neither did I. I liked that you wanted me to treat you. I convinced myself it would be okay if I could just keep the professional boundaries. And then I didn’t need to any more when you asked me out. I should’ve pushed for information about Tash, but I didn’t.”

When I give her a probing look, her gaze drops.

“I could’ve and should’ve asked you about the DO NOT FUCKING REPLY contact that kept popping up on your phone. I knew it couldn’t be good with the way you reacted.

“And the night before you left for the away series, I knew you were lying about talking to a telemarketer, but I didn’t say anything then, either.”

“I didn’t want you to worry while I was away.”

“But I did.”

She’s still looking at the floor, where her toes are curled under against the pale ceramic.

“I’m sorry I did that to you.” All I want is to touch her. “Why don’t we sit down?” I gesture to the white couch. If we’re finally going to hash out the Tash business, I think I need to be sitting down.

She expels a breath. “Okay.”

“Can I get you something else to drink?”

“A glass of wine might be nice.”

“Should I be worried that you need alcohol for this conversation?” I ask, hoping to alleviate some of the tension.

She smiles a little. “You should only be worried if I ask for shots.”

I retrieve two wine glasses—they’re relatively unused because I’m generally a scotch or beer drinker, or straight from the bottle if I can’t manage my shit. But I’ve been a lot better about that lately. Miller and Randy have been keeping me in line so I don’t go off the edge like I sometimes do.

Poppy sits tucked up in the corner of the white couch when I return with our drinks. One of the throw pillows the interior designer said I needed as an accent is clutched in her lap. She’s so fucking beautiful. I want to keep her in my life, and I get that in order to do that I need to let her in, even if it means she sees all the broken parts of me.

I pass her the glass, and she cups the bowl to take a sip. She doesn’t put it down after that, just twirls the stem between her fingers.

I sit down in the middle of the couch. I want to get closer, but we’re not there yet. “Where do you want me to start?”

Poppy looks down at the glass and sighs. “I just want the truth, Lance. So why don’t you start with that?”

“The truth about Tash?”

“Tash. The rumors. Any of it. All of it.”

Fuck. This is the stuff I don’t want to deal with. But I have to, one way or another. I hope that what I tell her makes things better, not worse.

“You mean the rumors about how I fuck?”

She cringes, probably because I’ve chosen to word that in the worst way possible.

My knees are bouncing so hard her wine swishes in her glass. I set mine on the table.

“I wasn’t lying when I said I really don’t like to be touched. Like at all. Especially by women. After my brother died, I could only ever associate hands on me with my mum’s anger. So dealing with girls was really fucked up. I knew there was something wrong with my head, ’cause I didn’t enjoy sex the way all the other guys on my team seemed to.”

“But you must have found a way to get over that?” There’s a hardness to Poppy’s voice, tension that makes her words sharp and heavy.

“I thought maybe I could, but it didn’t really work. I had this party once…and there were these two girls.” I study my hands, unable to look at her. “They wanted me to—uh…anyway, that wasn’t any better. It was worse. There were so many fucking hands to manage. The fucking panic—I hated it.”

“Did Tash know this?”

“Aye.”

“But she brought other girls anyway? Even though she knew how you felt about it?”

“Aye.” The memories make my skin crawl. “And it just made the rumors worse, because then there was some actual truth to them.”

“She’s a horrible person.”

“She has a lot of issues. Anyway, that’s done now. And I have a new roommate when we travel. One of the guys with a girlfriend, so I don’t have to deal with the, uh…bunnies and that awkwardness.”

“That’s good.” Poppy raises the glass to her lips.

“And I’ve been staying away from the bar after games.”

“I don’t expect you to become a recluse.”

“I know. I just want to stay away from any problems.”

Poppy sets down her glass. “You have to give me a chance to trust you, and hiding in your room, not interacting with your teammates isn’t going to do that. All it’s going to do is make you resentful eventually.”

“Resentful of what?”

“Of me, for taking you away from your friends. I don’t want to confine you. If we’re going to try to make this work, it can’t be about you hiding from Tash, or the bunnies. And it can’t be you keeping me separate from the rest of your life.”

“I meant it when I said I’m not going to talk to her anymore. I’m done.”

“Has she contacted you since you saw her in LA?” Poppy bites her bottom lip.

“I got one call from an unknown number, but whoever it was didn’t leave a voicemail.”

“And if she comes to your next LA game? How will you handle that?”

“How do you want me to handle it?” My knee is bouncing. Even if we’re not involved, erasing Tash from my life isn’t exactly easy.

“I want you to be honest with me if you think you’re going to see her. I want to be able to trust that you’re not going to fall back into old patterns every time you cross paths.”

“I mean it when I say I’m done with her, Poppy. I didn’t really understand how bad she made me feel until you came along. I get how toxic she is for me, and I told her that. I want what we have to work. I know you can’t come to every LA game, but maybe you can come to some of them? The ones on the weekend maybe?”

Poppy glances at her wine and then back at me. “It doesn’t have to be LA games.”

“Whatever games you want to come to, I’ll get you tickets, if that’s what you want. But the bunnies are always there. I don’t have control over that.”

“I know. But who cares about them?” Her eyes flash. “And I only want to be at games if you want me there.”

“I only got one penalty tonight because I was trying to be good for you.”

A tender smile turns up the corner of her mouth. “I don’t want to be hidden away. Tonight was good for me. Meeting some of the other girls, your teammates, it was nice to feel included in your life.” Her eyes drop to the pillow she’s holding. “Unless that’s not what you want out of this.”

I hadn’t considered that keeping her all to myself could be a negative thing. “I just wanted to protect you from all the bad stuff.”

“I can handle the bad stuff, Lance, if you let me. We can handle it together.”

“The bunnies can be nasty.”

“I know. I heard a few of them tonight.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault. Don’t take the blame for other people’s words and choices.”

“That’s not always easy.”

“Nothing good is easy; otherwise we wouldn’t appreciate the effort it takes to make it work.”

“So what now? Where do we go from here?”

She sets down her glass and leans closer. “Forward. If that’s what you want.”

“And you really want to do that?” I want to touch her. I want her to touch me. To ground me in this moment.

She laces her fingers with mine. “The past is in the past. We can leave it there if we’re done with it, can’t we?”

“What if I don’t want to?”

She cocks her head to the side, uncertain.

“I’ve buried a lot of my past because it wasn’t good, Poppy. But I don’t want to bury anything about you. Now that I have it back, you’re probably my best childhood memory. And to have you here as part of my present gives me hope that you’ll be in my future, too.”