Rory had copy to write on Monday morning, but the “homework” she’d been assigned was preventing her muse from taking control. The “list” she had started was already making her feel angry with herself. Actually writing down things that might annoy a man really hit home. Seeing them on a piece of paper made them look positively ridiculous.

THINGS I DO THAT MAY POSSIBLY ANNOY MEN

-Talk back to characters in movie theater

-Chase mimes away

-Criticize the way they tie their necktie

-Backseat driver

-Sing along with car radio even though I have a horrible voice

-Never order dessert, and then eat half of my date’s

Skylar tapped on the door, breaking her train of thought. “Earth to Rory...”

She looked up and tossed the pad on her desk. “Oh, good morning. I didn’t even hear you come in.”

“You were seriously focused. Polishing the copy for that new client? ‘Cause I’ve got some artwork I’d like you to look at.”

Rory shook her head. “I was doing some homework.”

“Homework? You taking a night course or something?”

“No. An assignment my friends gave me. To, uh, help me with my relationships.”

“Since when do you need help getting dates?”

“Getting them isn’t the problem. Chasing them away afterward apparently is.”

“Oh, I’ve gotta see this.” Skylar moved around the desk to look over her shoulder. “And your assignment for today is...”

Rory rolled her eyes and handed the pad to Skylar. “Check it out. It’s rather embarrassing but you may as well know.”

Skylar’s face tightened as she looked at it and started to read aloud. “Things I do that may possibly annoy men.” She turned to Rory. “Seriously? You’re supposed to write down bad things about yourself?”

“I’m told I may have a few... personality quirks. Tell me what you think.”

She looked back at the pad. “Well, I’ve been to the theater with you. Yeah, your habit of doing a movie review in progress is kind of annoying.”

“What can I say? Being a writer, it irritates me when there’s a hole in the plot. Or a continuity mistake.”

“So wait till the movie is over and discuss it then. People always talk about a movie after they see it. Besides, it’s rude to talk in a theater while the movie is playing. You have noted there’s always a request to turn off cell phones during the previews. Talking back to the screen is just as annoying.”

“I suppose I could keep things to myself till I leave the theater. Though I might get stressed out by not releasing my thoughts. I guess I could take notes.”

“And a guy would see that as just plain weird. It’s a movie; you’re supposed to be entertained. So relax and just watch.”

“I guess I could do that.”

Skylar pointed at the pad. “Okay, I’m confused about this one. What in the world do you mean by chase mimes away?”

“I hate mimes. If they come up to me in Central Park or wherever, instead of just ignoring them and walking away I chase them and scream at them at the top of my lungs to leave people alone. They irritate the hell out of me, always pretending they’re in a damn invisible box. I’d like to put them all in a real box.”

“Yeah, they’re weird, but I just blow past them. How do men react when you’ve done that?”

“Now that I think about it, they usually ask if I need a drink. One said I should consider a possible switch to decaf.”

Skylar looked back at the pad. “You sing while on a date?”

“If I’m in the car and a song I like comes on the radio, then I sing.”

“What do your dates do?”

“Upon further review, they all have turned the radio off.”

“Let me hear you sing a little.”

“Okay. Brace yourself. I aint Sinatra.” Rory stood up and sang a bit from a Belinda Carlisle song.

Skylar’s face tightened like a prune and she put up her hand. “Okay, please stop. Yeah, heaven sure aint a place on earth with that voice. But surely men don’t break up with you over this stuff.”

“No, I break up with them, but these are some of the things that have started arguments which led to breakups. The last time I started to sing, the guy turned off the radio. I turned it back on. He turned it off and said I sounded like fingernails on the blackboard. Things went downhill from there.”

“Okay, so you simply don’t do that anymore. Now, stealing the dessert thing... I can see why that would bug a guy. Because, to be honest, it would bother me if you stole my food. Why don’t you ever order your own dessert?”

“I don’t want guys to think I eat like a horse.”

Skylar laughed. “But you do eat like a horse. I’ve never seen a woman your size put away food like you do. Hell, you eat more than I do.”

“Yeah, but a man might see that and think I’ll let myself go and get fat after I get married.”

“Rory, where do you come up with this stuff?”

She shrugged. “I guess I tend to over-analyze things.”

“Ya think?”

“Anyway, I’m supposed to finish this list by the weekend.”

“Good God, there’s more?”

“Sweetie, I haven’t even scratched the surface.”

Skylar pointed at the list. “Hey, I’ve got something you can add.”

“Gee, thanks. What, my mouthwash not makin’ it?”

“No. You’re too damn neat.” Skylar took a handful of her business cards from the holder and threw them up in the air. “That’s better.”

“Very funny.” She started to pick up the cards. “I like things to be in order.”

“And I’m a slob. And see, we’re different and we get along great. You don’t care that I’ve got colored pencils and paint all over the place.”

“That’s because you keep everything in your area of the house. And why I keep the door shut when you go home.”

“Maybe you should leave the door open and try dealing with it. The guy you marry might be a total slob as well.”

“I could fix him.”

“See, right there. Wrong attitude. Accept a guy as he is. And at our age, people are pretty set in their ways.”

“So you don’t think I can change?”

“I do, but the things on your list... that’s little stuff. Your kind nature and big heart are never going to change. That’s the real important stuff.”

“Awww, thanks Skylar.”

“So when are you supposed to put this new... to use Star Trek terminology... non-annoyance directive... into effect?”

“I guess the next time I go on a date. Alas, I am not seeing anyone right now, so we’ll have to wait to see if it is effective.”

Suddenly Skylar started to laugh. “I just had a funny thought.”

“What?”

“When you get done with your homework, you should go out with Napoleon and do everything on the list. I’ll bet you still wouldn’t drive him away.”

“The idea is to stop doing this stuff, not bombard a man with it. And no way I’m going out with him.”

“I’m just yankin’ your chain. But it would be funny to watch. I guess this list is useful for another reason.”

“What’s that?”

“If you ever want to get rid of a guy, you know what to do.”

***

WILL PRESCOTT STARED at the wrinkled list Savannah had given him almost a year ago. He hadn’t looked at it in months, but she had insisted on a review after the debacle at the ad club.

THINGS I DO THAT DEFINITELY ANNOY WOMEN

-Displays of arrogance

-Physical description terms

-Horrible pickup lines

-Not making eye contact

-Talking about myself too much

-Bragging

-Failure to ask a woman about herself

-Assuming a woman finds me attractive (ie: thinking I’m God’s gift to the female of the species)

-Complain about little things she does

He slowly nodded as Savannah entered his office. He looked up and saw her smiling.

“Morning, Will. Ah, you’re reviewing your list.”

“You told me I needed to do so. You’re the boss when it comes to this project.”

“And don’t you forget it. So what have we learned?”

“While I’ve read this before, many times, I apparently haven’t learned very much.”

“Let me re-phrase that question. What things on the list did you do at the banquet when talking to that woman who interested you?”

He looked at the list. “Uh... just about all of them.”

She shook her head, moved forward and sat on the edge of his desk. “And we were making such progress. I guess I need to accompany you to every function before you’re allowed to go out on your own.”

“I don’t think that’s necessary.”

“We’ll see about that. Anyway, Will, I have an idea in light of the fact that we need some freelance help. Perhaps you might contact that woman and see if she’d like to work with us on a few projects.”

“Which woman?”

“The one you insulted. The one you wanted to chase around your desk.”

He shook his head. “I don’t think she wants anything to do with me. I’m not gonna call her up. She’d probably think I’m hitting on her.”

“Well, if not, how about you ask her the next time you run into her?”

“I may never run into her.”

“The local ad club does have a monthly luncheon that you haven’t attended yet, and you should start going. Excuse me, we should start going. Perhaps she’ll be there. It would give us time to get you back on track. And at some point I think it would help to do some role playing exercises.”

“What, you wanna pretend to be some woman I’m hitting on?”

“Yep.”

“Yeah, but it won’t be the same since I can be myself around you.”

She pointed at him. “Will, you just figured out a big part of your problem.”