Chapter Nine
Tom
Tom upended the shopping bags over the table between the two motel-room beds. He hoped he had remembered to get everything they needed. They had spent as little time in the store as possible, and Tom had been distracted the whole time, constantly keeping half an eye out for someone ready to snatch Leila away from him. He would have gone without her if he could have, but the thought of leaving her scared him even more than the thought of bringing her along.
He spoke out loud as he arranged everything on the table. “Toothbrush for me, toothbrush for you. Shampoo for me, shampoo for you.” He hadn’t wanted to take the time to pack a bag for himself before the two of them—plus Callum—had snuck out the back door and walked to the bus station, so he was as lacking in basic necessities now as Leila was.
He caught himself laying out the items in a neat row, and remembered what Callum had told him about his house. Well, hopefully Leila would find his penchant for organization as calming as Callum did. He couldn’t imagine what she was thinking, having to hurry out of her bed to sneak down the streets at sunrise after she had thought she was safe. After he had promised her that she was safe.
“A change of clothes for me, a change of clothes for you,” he continued. The shirt Leila had picked out had a golden retriever’s face on it. “Do you like dogs?”
She shrugged. “They’re okay.”
Tom cut the store tag off the shirt with his pocketknife and folded the fabric into a compact square. “What did your mom have to say?” He had called Carrie earlier, to let her know what was happening. He had expected her to be frantic, and to demand that she bring Leila back home. Instead, she had simply been relieved to hear that she was safe. He had promised to bring her back as soon as he knew the danger was gone, and then he had passed the phone to Leila. He had stepped outside the door to give them privacy as they talked.
“Nothing much. That she loved me and was glad I was safe.” Leila picked at a loose thread on the bed.
Tom sat down next to her. “I know these have been a rough few hours, and we haven’t had any time to get to know each other yet. But there’s a conversation we’re going to need to have sooner or later, and this seems like as good a time as any.”
She scooted away from him to poke through the drawer of the bedside table. “Hey, someone left a crossword puzzle in here.”
“I know we’re strangers to each other right now,” said Tom. “I know I haven’t been in your life. And you have no idea how much I wish that was different. Things were complicated, before you were born, and my leaving was the best thing for everyone.”
“Complicated,” said Leila, with a slight roll of her eyes. “That’s what Mom said, too.” She pulled a pen out of the drawer and started filling in letters.
“I want you to know that I—” He ached to tell her about all the times he had asked Carrie to let him have just one phone conversation with Leila, or write her just one letter, or see a single picture of her. But as much as he wanted to prove that he had tried to have a place in her life, he didn’t need to damage Leila’s relationship with her mother by blaming Carrie. “I would have been a part of your life it had been possible,” he finished.
“What’s a five-letter word for ‘ship’s bane’?”
“I’m here for you,” Tom promised her. “As long as I’m here to protect you, those people won’t get you back. And I’ll be here for as long as it takes.”
Leila filled in another answer without looking at him.
“And when this is over, I’m going to make sure we have a place in each other’s lives.” He would convince Carrie somehow. Whatever it took. He wasn’t going to let Leila come into his life only to disappear again.
Leila’s eyes stayed fixed on the puzzle. Tom wasn’t even sure she had heard him.
“Does that sound good?” he prompted.
“Sure, whatever.” She dug her pen harder into the paper.
He wanted to push harder, but suspected that would only drive her further away. The best thing he could do right now was prove to her that he would do what he said—that he was going to protect her, and that he was never going to abandon her again. Not if he had anything to say about it.
He stood and walked to his own bed. “I’m going to meditate for a while. Would you like to join me?”
“What, like sit on the floor and breathe?”
He smiled. “There’s a little more to it than that. It’s about focusing your mind, and finding the quiet place underneath your thoughts. It can help you think more clearly in a stressful situation.”
“If I’m in a bad situation, I’d rather do something about it, not sit around and think.” Leila returned to her puzzle.
Tom seated himself on the cheap mattress, wincing and shifting as a spring poked him in the leg. He closed his eyes and let his breaths lengthen. He watched his thoughts pass through his mind, trying to let each one drift away as quickly as it appeared. Leila’s rejection. His worry for Callum. The danger to his daughter that was lurking out there somewhere, even now.
He had been helpless to stop it. He hadn’t even known she was in danger. While he had been working, while he had been laughing with friends at dinner, someone he loved had been taken from him. And if he didn’t do everything right, if he couldn’t do enough to protect her, it would happen again.
Flashes of half-buried memory ran through his mind. Blood on the floor. His own screams. His mother shaking him—How could you let this happen?
“If you’re meditating, I don’t think you’re doing it right.”
Leila’s voice made him open his eyes. He looked down at his hands to see his nails digging into his palms, almost hard enough to draw blood.
He closed his eyes again, and tried to let the memories drift away along with his thoughts. He tried to push down the writhing snake, to tame it with the rhythm of his breath. But his breathing was faster than it should be, his heartbeat loud in his ears.
When the knock came, for a second he thought it was the pounding of his heart. He only opened his eyes when Leila asked, “Are you going to get that?”
He strode to the door and peered through the peephole to see Callum waiting on the other side. He let out his breath in relief as he opened the door. He hadn’t realized just how worried he had been about the other man until this moment.
Callum hurried inside and closed the door behind him. His eyes were wild, and he was out of breath, but he was smiling.
“You’re safe,” he said. “For now.”