The morning felt cold and awkward. Zed and I woke up together, tangled in my bed, smelling like musk and sweat and sex. I’d sweated all night, and my limbs were damp. Despite the fact that we’d slept for over seven hours, I still felt exhausted. My head was hurting, and my eyes were sore; I almost felt hungover.
When Zed got up and started to get dressed, I had to turn away. It was like I couldn’t even watch the man I cared for—loved?—without starting to hurt myself.
When Zed was finished dressing, he sat down on the edge of the bed and started putting on his combat boots. I expected him to look at me and make a crack about how we wouldn’t see each other for a while, or for him to tell me to stay out of trouble. Something nonchalant and teasing like always. But no such comment ever came, and I found myself feeling more anxious with every passing second.
“Are you feeling okay?” I asked, twisting myself into a sitting position on the bed. Despite how open and slutty I’d acted with Zed the night before, morning always made me feel vulnerable again. When his green eyes swept their penetrating gaze over my body, I covered myself up with a sheet.
“I’m fine,” Zed grunted out. “Do you have any coffee?”
I laughed. “No. Don’t you remember? I threw out the coffee machine I bought you.”
“I thought you might have replaced it,” Zed replied gruffly.
I rolled my eyes and hopped out of bed, keeping the sheet wrapped all the way around me. “I didn’t,” I said firmly. “But you can get some when you leave, I guess.”
Zed looked up at me, and I felt a shiver of fear. “I think I’m close,” he said quietly. “I think today might be the day.”
A lump formed in my throat when I realized that this was really happening. Some small part of my brain had wanted the whole thing to be a joke; had wanted Zed to be some impersonator or someone working undercover with a fabricated rap sheet. I never thought that Zed would actually be putting himself in danger. But now I realized that was an incredibly naïve notion to hold on to.
“Okay,” I said blankly. “Do you need help? How will I know that you’re okay?”
Zed shook his head. “There’s nothing you can do but act normal, Lily. I don’t think it’s a bad idea for you to be outside any longer. I don’t think anyone’s going to be thinking about hurting you.”
Even though I didn’t think Zed was lying to me, my stomach iced over when I heard his words. It was hard for me to believe that I’d be okay when the past few weeks I’d only heard the opposite from Zed. But then I realized that Zed was probably right; everyone was going to be too focused on him.
“I’m going to sing tonight, then,” I said after a beat. “If that’s okay. I think it will help distract me.”
Zed gave me a lopsided grin. “Okay.” He got to his feet. He brushed imaginary dirt off the thighs of his jeans and stretched high towards the ceiling. “I’ll see you later, kid. I have some things to take care of.”
My heart pounded as he stepped towards me and cradled me in his arms. I had no idea what we were, but I knew that whenever I thought about never seeing Zed again, I wanted to cry. I hugged him tightly and buried my face in his shirt. He still smelled like me.
“Be safe, kid,” Zed said. He planted his lips on the top of my head and kissed my hair. “I’ll be in touch, okay?”
All I could do was nod. I knew that if I opened my mouth, I’d start crying again. “Okay,” I finally replied in a shaky voice. “I promise I’ll be waiting on edge to hear from you. Please be careful, Zed. Please. Promise me.”
“I promise.” Zed grunted into my hair. He pulled away, and suddenly I felt cold; it was always surprising to me how much he managed to warm me up just by holding me.
He loped to the door and threw his leather jacket on over his T-shirt. Giving me a final wave, he opened the door and then left. I stood in one place for a long time, listening to his footsteps until I couldn’t hear them anymore. Then I ran to the window and pressed my face up against the glass.
“Zed!” I called out, but he didn’t turn around. Pressing my face against the glass, I watched as my breath turned it white. Tears welled up in my eyes, and I blinked hastily in an attempt to stop them, but it was no use.
Zed was gone, and I might never see him again.