CHAPTER 14

 

 

The following week, it was the middle of the day, and Justin was upstairs working. Bea was lying on her belly playing in the living room while I paid some bills. There was a knock at the door. When I opened it, Roger was standing there with two medium lattes from Maggie’s Coffeehouse. It had been over a month since he last visited.

“Long time no see.” I smiled. Taking one of the drinks from him, I said, “You didn’t have todo that. But it was time for my afternoon caffeine, so good timing.” I waved my arm. “Come on in.”

He knelt to greet Bea. “God, she’s getting big.”

“I know. She’s going on six months. Can you believe that?”

“Time is flying.”

“Yes…which is why I’m glad you stopped by. I was worried that Justin scared you away.”

He sat down and spoke low, “Well, to be honest, I debated coming. Your watchdog is a little intimidating.”

“I’m sorry he was rude the last time you were here.”

“I’m assuming he’s still living here?”

“Yes. Justin’s home now. He works remotely and is actually upstairs in his office.”

“How long is he staying on the island?”

It was nearing the end of the summer, and Justin had given me no indication of his itinerary. Any time I would ask, he would say he wasn’t sure.

“Actually, I’m not sure. He can stay as long as he wants because he owns half the house, so we really don’t discuss it.”

“Can I be a little nosey?”

“Sure. What’s up?”

“Is something more going on between the two of you?”

“No. Why do you ask?”

“Well, a man doesn’t bark at another man like that about his friend unless he wants her for himself.”

“Justin and I have a very long history, but during all of it, we’ve never actually been together. We’ve never even kissed once in over a decade of knowing each other.”

“Really…”

“He can be protective, but he doesn’t want a serious relationship with me—especially now. He cares for Bea, but he doesn’t want kids. He doesn’t want to be with me.”

Something about having said those words out loud made me incredibly sad—and angry. Why wasn’t I enough? Why wasn’t Bea enough? Justin cared about us, but just not enough.

“Sounds like his loss.”

“Some things are just better left the way they are.”

“Well, now that you’ve cleared that up…can I ask you another question?”

“Yes.”

“Would you want to go out this weekend? The jazz festival is happening downtown. I’d love to take you…and Bea. We could go during the day.”

“I have to be honest because I don’t know if you’re asking me out on a date. I don’t think I’m ready for anything serious. But I do enjoy your company. So, if there are no expectations, I would love to.”

“I understand. We won’t call it a date then. No expectations…just each other’s company. It can get lonely out here on the island, and I feel grateful to have met you, to have found companionship at the very least. Even if it’s nothing more than that, I’d love to take you out. You need to get out, Amelia.”

“You know what? You’re right. Let’s do it. Let’s go out.” I smiled.

Slight wrinkles formed around his eyes when he grinned and said, “Saturday then?”

“Sure. I’ll see if Justin will watch Bea. If not, I’ll take her with us.” Deep down, I knew Justin was going to go ballistic. But this was necessary. If he didn’t want me hanging out with other men, then he damn well needed to explain why. If he wasn’t going to give me affection, then I needed to get it somewhere else.

“It’s really fine to bring Bea…” He winked. “Especially since it’s not a date.”

“We’ll see.”

Roger managed to escape the house without Justin coming downstairs.

When my roommate finally emerged later that afternoon, his mood was unreadable. He lifted Bea off the floor and tickled her belly with his hair as he spoke, “What do you feel like for dinner tonight?”

“Anything is fine.”

Carrying Bea over to the cupboard, he scratched the overgrown stubble on his chin. “I have to figure out what we have.” He glanced over to the trash bin, taking notice of the Maggie’s Coffeehouse cup. “Did you go out for coffee?”

“No. Roger brought it this afternoon.”

His jaw tightened, and his hand froze on the last item he was touching as he pondered that. “He was here?”

“Yes.” I sighed. “We need to talk.”

Justin closed the cupboard. “Alright.”

Just say it.

“Roger asked if I wanted to go to the jazz festival with him this weekend. I told him yes.”

He blinked a few times. “You’re going on a date with him…”

“No.”

“It’s a fucking date, Amelia.”

“I explained to him that I’m not ready to date.”

“Oh, that’s right. You’re not looking to date. You’re just looking for a casual fuck.”

“It’s just an outing.”

He raised his voice. “It’s not just an outing. He’s a guy. I’ve seen the way he looks at you. He wants to fuck you.”

Justin was really starting to piss me off. My instinct was to scream at him, but I stopped myself. Instead, I just looked into his eyes—really looked into them. “What are you doing?”

I hoped he saw the pain and frustration I was feeling through my expression. Even though it was a simple question, I knew he couldn’t exactly answer me. It was complicated. I don’t even think even he understood why he was acting this way. But it had to stop.

Then, something in his eyes shifted. It was as if realization finally struck as to how unreasonable he was being. He didn’t want something more with me, but he didn’t want anyone else to have me either. He couldn’t have it both ways. It wasn’t fair, and I think in that moment it finally clicked.

“I don’t know,” he whispered, staring vacantly into space. “I don’t know why it makes me so mad. I’m confused. Fuck. I’m…I’m sorry.” He was still holding Bea and handed her to me before walking over to the window to stare out at the ocean.

I spoke to his back. “I was going to ask you if you could watch Bea, but I think it’s better if I take her with me.”

“No.” He turned around, his hands in his pockets. “I’ll watch her. You deserve to get out.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“Okay. Thank you.”

That night, we ate in silence.

 

***

 

The Friday evening before my Saturday date, I decided to go watch Justin at Sandy’s.

Aside from playing with Bea, he’d kept to himself since our altercation about Roger. I guess a part of me was curious as to whether his mood somehow carried over to his performance.

Bea was asleep in her carrier when we arrived at the restaurant. Tonight they had Justin playing on the outdoor stage. He didn’t notice me sitting in a far corner.

It was a breezy night. A few napkins flew off some tables, and Justin’s hair was blowing around a little in the wind.

When he started a cover of Daughters by John Mayer, it squeezed at my heart because I wondered if he chose that song because of the situation with Bea and Adam. I also wondered if he was thinking of her. Most of the songs he’d chosen tonight were slow and melancholy, so much so that Bea slept right through them.

His first intermission finally rolled around. He still hadn’t noticed us. He wasn’t as observant of the audience tonight in general, seeming very much in his own head. He usually engaged much more with the crowd.

Just as I was about to get up and announce that we were there, an attractive young redhead made her way over to the stage. I watched for several minutes as she flirted shamelessly with him. My stomach was in knots. At one point, she handed him a piece of paper, which he put in his pocket. Whether he accepted it to be polite or intended to use it, I had no idea. Even though this type of thing probably happened every night, it still felt like I’d been sucker punched and killed any desire I had to stay for the next set.

Bea and I left, and Justin never even knew we’d been there.

 

***

 

The sound of punching could be heard coming from Justin’s exercise room. As I got ready for my sort-of-date with Roger, it occurred to me that the last time Justin beat the shit out of the Everlast punching bag like that was the night of my date with Dr. Danger last summer. This felt like deja vu.

I stood in the doorway and watched him attack the bag until he noticed me and stopped.

Out of breath, he said, “What time are you leaving again?”

“In about forty-five minutes. I just wanted to make sure you were all set to watch Bea.”

He wiped the sweat off his forehead. “Yeah. I’ll shower and be downstairs in time for you to leave.”

“Thank you.”

Wanting to make sure she had a full stomach before I left, I nursed Bea while Justin was taking his shower. She ended up falling asleep, so I put her in her crib before checking myself out one last time in the mirror. The jazz festival was a casual event, so I wore a simple tank top with a denim jacket and flowy floral skirt.

Back downstairs, I was waiting for Justin so that I could give him some last minute instructions. I started loading a couple of bottles of pumped milk into the refrigerator when I heard his voice behind me.

“She’s asleep?”

“Yup.”

“So what do I need to know?”

When I turned around, Justin was leaning against the counter, looking gorgeous. A few strands of his wet hair were falling over his forehead. He hadn’t bothered to put on a shirt. My eyes couldn’t help traveling down to his cut abs. His thumbs were hooked into the belt loops at his waistline. While his jeans were zipped, they were unbuttoned at the top. I imagined what it would be like to lick a line straight down that happy trail. On top of that, he was barefoot.

Fuck. Me.

I had some instructions to give him, yet I’d forgotten them all. My mind went completely blank.

“Not to steal your own words from you, Amelia…but my eyes are up here.”

Feeling embarrassed, I simply said, “I know.”

He wore a smug grin. “So…answer me. What do I need to know while you’re gone?”

“Um…I have two bottles of milk that I pumped. They’re sitting in the door.”

“I won’t drink them.” He winked.

“She should have a serving of rice cereal when she wakes up. That will help keep her stomach full while I’m out in case the two bottles aren’t enough. I literally just fed her before she went down.”

He crossed his arms. “Alright…anything else?”

“You should change her diaper as soon as she wakes up, too.”

“Got it.”

I tilted my head. “Any questions for me?”

“How late are you staying out?”

“Probably not more than a few hours. I should be back by eight.”

When he didn’t say anything further, I asked, “Any more questions?”

He was silent, but his stare was burning into mine. “Yes, I do in fact,” he finally said.

“Okay. What?”

“Why were you looking at me like you want to eat me?”

“Are you being serious right now?”

“Are you being serious, Amelia?”

“I’m lost.”

“Are you being serious about going out with Roger Podger when you’d rather be staying home with me?”

“Who said I’d rather be staying home with you?”

“Your nipples.”

I squinted my eyes incredulously. “My nipples…”

“Yes. While you were looking at me, I was watching them, and they literally hardened before my eyes.” He walked slowly toward me then leaned in. “No part of you—body or mind—really wants to be with him, and you know it. You’re doing this to fuck with me because you think I don’t want you. You’re doing this to make me jealous.”

“That’s not true. Not everything is about you.”

“Not everything. But this…this is definitely about me.”

“No.”

“Bullshit. You wanted to see how far you could push me before I reached my breaking point.”

“If that’s what you want to believe, then fine. In the meantime, you egotistical ass, I’m going to a jazz festival.” I started to walk away, not even sure where I was going, since Roger was supposed to be coming here to pick me up.

He gripped my waist to stop me. Flipping me around, he moved me closer into him, his eyes telling me I wasn’t going anywhere until he damn well let me. Justin then slowly pushed me toward the door, and my back was now against it. His lips hovered over mine as he panted into my mouth. But he withheld. Needing to taste him, I couldn’t take it anymore. Wrapping my hands around his head, I pressed my lips into his. We opened for each other, the feel of his hot tongue swirling inside of my mouth more incredible than the countless times I’d imagined it over the course of a decade. I ran my fingers through his silky hair as we kissed. His mouth was insanely wet, hot, and his taste was addicting. There was no longer a concept of time.

Nudging my legs open with his knee, he wedged himself between me. His hot erection was pressing against my body. Then he took my hand and slid it down to his crotch as we kissed so that I could feel him. Speaking over my lips, he said, “Fuck, Amelia, You think I don’t want you? Feel how much I don’t want you.”

I moaned against his mouth to confirm that I absolutely felt it; it was practically halfway down his thigh. Experiencing a complete loss of restraint, I was completely at his mercy. His kiss wasn’t ordinary or like anything I’d ever felt before. He kissed with all of the force in his body as if the very act was necessary for survival. If he kissed like this, I could only imagine what it was like to have sex with him.

The vibration of Roger’s knocking against the door hit my back. Shamelessly, Justin didn’t even flinch. Instead, he kissed me harder, deeper. He made it really hard to want to stop.

Finally prying myself away from Justin, I yelled, “Just a minute!”

His lips were still just inches from mine. He glared at me mischievously because he knew full well that even though I was going out with Roger, I wasn’t going to be able to think about anything else.

He wiggled his brows and said, “Have fun.”

Then, he turned around and walked away, disappearing up the stairs.

 

***

 

Roger never suspected that Justin and I had been sucking face just moments before he picked me up. I’d checked my reflection in the mirror before opening the door and attributed the delay to breastfeeding.

We stopped at Maggie’s for takeout lattes on the way to the jazz festival which was held on the grounds of Fort Adams at the mouth of Newport harbor. Three stages were set up, each featuring a different jazz band. It was a gorgeous afternoon with only a slight chill in the air. The location featured panoramic views of the Newport Bridge and the East Passage.

I tried my best to focus on the scenery and music, but my mind was elsewhere. I could still feel Justin’s kiss, could still taste him on my tongue. My panties were soaked. I wondered what it all meant, if things were going to be different now.

A text alert sounded.

 

Justin: Stop thinking about me.

 

Amelia: You are egotistical. You only kissed me because I was going out with Roger.

 

Justin: Technically, you kissed me.

 

Amelia: How is Bea?

 

Justin: Changing the subject?

 

He then answered my earlier question by sending me a selfie of Bea and him. They were both lying flat on the living room rug. Bea was smiling. It was freaking adorable.

 

Amelia: Looks like you guys are having a good time.

 

Justin: We miss you. You should ditch him and come hang out with us.

 

Amelia: I’m a little scared to come home to be honest.

 

Justin: I won’t bite. I promise. Unless you ask me to, in which case I’ll do it so gently you won’t feel any pain.

 

Amelia: I can’t text anymore. It’s rude.

 

Justin: We need to talk later.

 

Amelia: About what?

 

Justin: I’d like to apply for the position.

 

Amelia: What position?

 

Justin: Your casual fuck buddy.

 

Amelia: What???

 

Justin: We’ll talk later.

 

I didn’t even know what to say, so I put my phone away.

Roger put his hand on my shoulder. “Is everything alright at home?”

Not exactly.

“Oh, yes. I was just checking on Bea. Everything is fine.”

“Want to go grab an early dinner?”

Even though Justin’s text had managed to squelch my appetite, I said, “Sure. That would be great.”

Roger and I left the festival grounds and had dinner at the Brick Alley Pub. We talked non-stop throughout our meal. He spoke about his upcoming trip to Irvine to visit his daughter. He beamed with pride whenever he spoke of Alyssa, and it occurred to me how lucky she was to have a father who cared for her so deeply; Bea wouldn’t have that. I could only hope that someone would fill that role for my daughter someday.

Despite the sexual game Justin was playing all of a sudden, he still gave me no assurance that he really wanted to be with us long term. Even though he was so great with Bea, there was no real indication that he was interested in being more than just her “uncle.” His assertion that we should be “fuck buddies” certainly didn’t count. Justin and I couldn’t really be together so long as he didn’t want children in the long term.

Roger drove me home after dinner. I intentionally didn’t invite him in because I wasn’t in any mood for Justin’s antics.

He lingered. “I hope we can go out again soon.”

“I’d really like that,” I said.

Despite my obsessing over Justin throughout the day, I really did enjoy Roger’s company. He was smart, articulate and a really good listener.

When I opened the door, Justin was sitting on the couch watching television. Bea was cradled in the crook of his arm.

“How was it?”

“It was a lot of fun, actually. You would love the jazz festival. You should check it out. Tomorrow is the last day,” I said, plopping down on the couch next to him.

“Good.” He smiled, but it was more of a chastising grin.

I took Bea from him and kissed her. “I missed you, Bea Bee.”

“I’ll get up so you can feed her in private. I suppose you’re not hungry for dinner.”

“No. Roger took me to the Brick Alley Pub.”

His expression darkened. “Great.”

Pots and pans clanked as Justin not-so-quietly prepared himself something to eat in the kitchen while I fed Bea. She fell asleep on my breast, so I put her upstairs in her crib. It was earlier than her normal bedtime, so I knew she would probably be waking me up in the middle of the night.

When I returned to the kitchen, Justin looked like he’d been waiting for me. He was wearing a gray hoodie that was halfway zipped up over his bare chest. He had the hood over his head. Looking quite tense, he was pulling at his sleeves.

“We need to talk, Amelia.”

“Alright.”

He lifted his face to look me straight in the eyes. “I don’t want you going out with him again.”

“You can’t dictate who I go out with.”

“Well, I don’t want you going out with anyone.”

“I don’t understand how you think you have a right to say that.”

“Then hear me out.”

“I’m listening.”

“You said you don’t want anything serious right now.”

“That’s right.”

“Neither do I. I just got out of a long-term relationship. I really can’t handle serious at the moment.”

“So, you think I’m the perfect candidate to screw around with? Don’t you have enough options? How about that redhead that gave you her number the other night when you didn’t even notice Bea and I standing right there.”

His expression turned angry. “What? You came to Sandy’s that night?”

“Yes. You played Daughters. It was very touching.”

“Why the fuck didn’t you tell me you were there?”

“You were busy.”

“You were all I could think about that entire night, Amelia. Every fucking song, I was thinking about you or Bea. That’s the truth. I don’t even remember that woman’s name.”

“Well, that’s irrelevant I suppose. Get back to what you were saying…about wanting me to be your whore.”

“It’s not like that. AT ALL, Amelia.” Looking uncharacteristically nervous, he said, “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. You’ve made it clear that you need someone to satisfy your needs. I don’t want you fucking around with some random guy who doesn’t care about you. Contrary to what you might think, I do care about you. So, I want to be the one to take care of it for you.”

“Take care of it? You’re making it sound like having sex with me is a surgical procedure.”

“Far from it. And take care of it isn’t the right term anyway. Technically I’d be fucking you into oblivion.”

“I’m not going to be anyone’s mercy fuck, Justin.”

“That’s not what I’m saying.” He slipped his hands under his hood and pulled on his hair in frustration. “Fuck. Do you have any clue how badly I want you? I need this just as much as you.”

“I’m sorry, but you’re really confusing me. You care about me, but you don’t want to be with me. You just want to fuck me. It just seems like an oxymoron.”

“I want to give you what you need today…not tomorrow or ten years down the line. Today. It just so happens that what you need is also what I need. I need to satisfy this fucking itch that has been eating away at me for over a decade. I need to be with you on a physical level before I fucking explode. But I just can’t put a label on everything right now. I can’t make promises for the future because that would be irresponsible. There is too much at stake. I won’t make a promise to that little girl only to let her down.”

“So, you’re suggesting that we forget everything else, just start a physical relationship with no expectations.”

“That was what you said you wanted with some random guy, right? Why not with me? It’s a fuck of a lot safer.”

“Because I don’t think that’s possible with you. I don’t think I can compartmentalize years of feelings in order to have a casual sexual relationship with you. You matter too much to me. I will always want you in my life. If we have sex, we can never take that back. I would never be able to look at you the same.”

“You’d never be able to walk the same.”

“Can you be serious?”

“I am being serious.” He smiled. “Okay…in all honesty, I want you to think about my proposition. I’m just asking you to consider living in the moment, having a little fun with me, taking things day by day.”

“Take things day by day and then one day wake up and find you gone?”

“I’m not going anywhere anytime soon.”

A part of me wanted to leap into his arms and take him up on his proposition right there on kitchen counter, but the logical part just couldn’t agree to this. “I don’t know.”

“If there’s anything I can do to help make your decision easier, let me know. Just think about it. You don’t have to make a decision right now. Sleep on it. Or sleep on me. Whatever you decide.”

He started to walk toward the stairs.

“Where are you going?”

“Upstairs. I’ll leave the door open in case you decide there’s something you’d like to watch later.”