Beautiful
Rosalie
I stood in bra and panties, leaning over the basin in my new bathroom, staring at my face in the mirror.
The bruising down either side of my inner eyes was now just shadows. Except for the pad prints of Beck’s fingers, all the discoloration on my neck was gone. Sometime since yesterday, the final stitches had fallen out of the gash in my brow and the one on my jaw, leaving only red marks I hoped would recede. And the tape was coming off my nose tomorrow at my final follow-up with my doctor.
Lifting my chin so I could see them both, I stared at the red marks.
Rainman had opened up my brow. When it happened, I felt it tearing. He always wore heavy rings and made it clear in heinous ways that he felt like continuing to be accessorized during the festivities.
Those rings had skulls on them.
And some had crosses.
So he’d opened me up with what amounted to a crucifix, marking me maybe forever, reminding me every time I looked at myself or someone’s eyes drifted that way of my time spent in that warehouse.
Every time any brother of Chaos looked at me, they’d be reminded too.
And most of all, Snapper would too.
I lifted my hands, rubbed them through the wet hair I’d combed back after my shower and moved to the closet, doing an inventory and finding out where all my stuff was.
I tugged on jeans, went back to the bathroom, sprayed on deodorant and perfume, then back to the drawers in the closet to grab a cream cami-shell. I pulled it on, then snatched out a thin, nearly see-through, dusky-blue, five-button thermal that didn’t even pretend to be about keeping me warm.
The buttons undone (like they were then, like I always wore them) showed some cleavage. The material clearly displayed the shell. It was a full torso, subtly sexy peek-a-boo worn by a scarred, beaten, disposed-of biker old lady.
“Okay, damn, where is my head at today?” I snapped, forcing myself to pull it together.
I had to call Colombo’s and tell them I was good to go on the next schedule. I had to unpack the bags that were filled with stuff Mom had run to my old place to grab while I was in the hospital because we both knew I wouldn’t be going back there until I could face it before we knew I wasn’t going to go back there at all. I needed to familiarize myself with where the Chaos old ladies had put my stuff and move anything if they’d done it the way I didn’t want it.
And I needed to think about what I wanted to get out of the conversation that night with Snapper because I’d let stupid, dreamer, happy Rosalie get the better of me last night and I’d used him to cuddle with and sleep with and make myself feel safe.
But now I needed to decide where my head was at because he didn’t deserve me playing with his heart.
I went to the bedroom, made the bed, padded down the stairs and inspected the kitchen, doing the minimal cleanup of the donuts Snap and I had dragged on last night’s clothes and went out to get, that we’d brought back and eaten standing up at the counter before he took off. This being crunching up the donut bag and tossing it into the built-in trash drawer.
I poured myself another cup of coffee and sipped at it, opening and closing cupboards, finding the women had done me right in more ways than I already knew. They set me up perfectly.
I took the coffee with me as I wandered and found, through the other door on the wall down from the powder room, there was a nicely outfitted laundry room with washer and dryer, soaking sink, shelves and wall-mounted dryer racks.
I mean, seriously.
I could live here the rest of my life and be happy.
Though it wouldn’t fit any Travises or Nashes.
Or Hermiones.
Just me.
A man and me.
I heard my phone ring and I moved out of the laundry room to the table by the door where it was sitting, deciding next up was the goodness I knew I’d discover digging through the Sephora bag that was still there.
I set my coffee down and picked up my phone.
The screen said Snap and seeing it my heart felt happy that he could finally be displayed on my phone for anyone to see that he was in my life and thus belonged in my phone.
But my head felt full of ominous gray clouds.
“Hey,” I greeted after I took the call.
“Hey to you,” he replied. “You good?”
I closed my eyes, opened them, and stared at the long stretch of lawn that led to the street.
There were bushes down either side of the property. I couldn’t begin to know what they were, just that they were cut low for the winter.
I wondered if Snap provided lawn maintenance for his tenants, and if he did, if he did that himself or if he expected them to do it as part of the rental agreement.
“Rosalie,” he called, his tone sharper.
Not sharper.
Worried.
“I’m good,” I told him, though I wasn’t sure I was considering how it felt that he’d been gone maybe a little over an hour and he was already calling me, checking on me.
That should feel good.
It was just my head was so messed up, I wouldn’t let it.
“You don’t sound good,” he noted.
“The stitches all fell out,” I shared.
“Noticed,” he murmured.
Of course he had.
“I’m gonna have scars,” I told him.
There was a beat of silence before he declared, “I’m comin’ back.”
“Snap, don’t.”
“Babe, you went from bein’ cute in bed and smiling eating a donut to whatever the fuck you sound like now and talking about scars. You’ve fallen into your head, it’s not a good place to be, so I’m comin’ back.”
“I need to sort this stuff out for myself, Snapper.”
“Why?” he asked.
Suddenly, the big yard in front of me was blurry.
“Sorry?” I asked back.
“Why do you have to do it yourself?”
I…
Didn’t know.
I told him what I did know.
“I’ve relied on a man all my life, Snap.”
“Okay, so?”
My head jerked.
“That’s not very strong,” I pointed out.
“Have I ever told you why I joined Chaos?” he queried.
I felt my shoulders straighten because he hadn’t, I knew something big was coming, and last, I bucked up so I could be prepared because I wanted so badly to know that something big.
Precisely…why he’d joined Chaos.
“No,” I told him.
“I’m a quiet guy. I’ve always been that guy. First thing I did when I got my driver’s license was go to a movie by myself,” he shared.
There was something immensely cool about that.
There was also something immensely Snapper about that.
Then again, it was kinda one and the same thing.
“Was the first I did that,” he went on. “Wasn’t the last. My brother and sister, they got big personalities. They’re almost pathologically social. Just like my mom and dad. My sister, she’s crazy. Lovable, but crazy. Always getting into trouble. Fightin’ with Mom. Then lovin’ on her. My brother was the big man, sports star. Soccer. Really good at it. Earned a scholarship on it. I played tennis.”
I felt a sudden, inappropriate-at-that-juncture giggle welling up in me and choked it back.
But I couldn’t quite hide the disbelief in my, “You played tennis?”
“That’s all about me. The court. The racket. The ball. My game. My strategy. It isn’t even about my opponent. He was just someone who, if he could, lobbed the ball back at me, and it was up to me to get a bead on his strategy. You are totally in your own space. You are totally in your own head. Win or lose, it’s all on you.”
I could see this about Snap and not just the fact that, knowing this, I realized he had a tennis player’s body, if that tennis player was Boris Becker.
“I read,” he continued. “I ride. I don’t play tennis anymore and haven’t since high school but when I did, I liked it. I got my properties and those are mine. I buy them. I manage them. Brothers might help out fixin’ them up, but the vision and the follow-through is all on me.”
“Okay,” I said when he stopped talking.
“But back then, whatever I got into doing, I went home to my family. I was the middle kid but I didn’t get any of that middle kid mindfuck bullshit because they were the way they were. Totally not like me but they didn’t make me feel like an outsider because I was how I was. They gave me space to be me. They came to my matches. I went to their shit. I didn’t exist among them. I was part of them as who I was, not how they wished I would be. That’s still my place. They get together a lot more than I get with them, but when I show, I’m just as much a part of my family as the rest of them. It’s just that I’m not into family game night every two weeks and they don’t give a shit I’m not. They’re happy for me to show when I want to show. They take me when I want to give them time and they leave me be when I’m not feelin’ it.”
“That’s cool,” I said when he paused.
“I wanted more of that,” he shared. “I wanted to be around people who let me be me. I didn’t want to be in a corporate situation where it was about toeing the line or clawing to the top. I didn’t want to be in a different situation where every day was the same until you realized your life was a long line of drudgery. I wanted a family but I wanted that with freedom.”
“That makes sense,” I noted.
“And since I ride, since my bike is a big part of my life, since that freedom is the biggest part of me, I found a brotherhood that shared the same ideals. And the biggest part of those ideals, I give it to them and they give it to me. That ‘it’ being, I let the brothers be the brothers and all the brothers let me be me.”
“I love that you found that, Snapper,” I said softly.
“I do too, Rosie,” he returned. “And the point I’m makin’ with that is, if I wanna hole up in my room in the Compound and read a book, I can. Then I can walk right out and share a beer with a brother. I can be alone, but I’m never alone. Are you with me?”
I was with him.
And I was breathing funny.
“Babe, are you with me?” he pushed when I said nothing.
“I’m with you, honey,” I forced out.
“I got somethin’ on my mind, I go to Tack. I go to High. I go to Hop or Pete. Or I go to my dad or my brother. I don’t wanna ride alone, Joke goes out with me. Or Boz. Or Hound. I can put in a kitchen but that’s not my thing, how it should look, so if I need to buy a sink that works for one of my places, Tyra helps me. Or my sister helps me. Or my mom tells me what she thinks would work.”
“That’s all important, but what I’m saying about me at this point in my life is different than all that,” I told him carefully.
“You think if my mom died or something ugly happened to my sister that those brothers and their women wouldn’t be all about being there for me?” he asked.
I looked at my toes.
“Rosalie,” he growled.
“They would,” I whispered.
“It isn’t about havin’ someone to share a beer with, even when it is. It isn’t about havin’ someone to do a ride with, even when it’s that too. It’s about making the conscious decision to surround myself with good people so when life is good, I got someone to share that with, and when life turns to shit, I got someone who’ll help hold me steady.”
Now I was deep breathing.
“Life, Rosie,” he said gently, “is not about goin’ it alone. It’s about finding the right people to share it with who will make it better when it’s good and be there to hold you steady when it’s not.”
“But I’m bouncing from guy to guy to guy,” I pointed out.
“You’re living your life and you aren’t doin’ it latchin’ on to men to take care of you. You’re doin’ it and men are drifting through your life while that’s happening. They weren’t the right ones and right now, that’s good for me, because I wanna be that one. But they aren’t anything except that they were. They were in your life. And you moved on or they moved on or whatever. You wanna be with somebody, that does not make you weak, Rosie. In most cases, finding it in you to take the risk to trust your time and your heart to someone makes you strong. But in all cases, wanting to share your life with other people just makes you human.”
“You’ve got it totally figured out,” I muttered.
“No, Rosie, I got dick figured out,” he retorted. “Only thing I know for certain is, so far, I lucked out and made good decisions in my life, and one of them is you. The you that it doesn’t mean shit you got a scar cuttin’ ’cross your brow like it wouldn’t mean shit you put on fifty pounds like it wouldn’t mean shit you aged thirty years. You’re Rosie. And no matter what, you’ll always be beautiful.”
My throat sounded clogged when I pushed through it, “I don’t think you need to come back anymore, Snapper.”
“You don’t sound much better, baby,” he said softly.
“Then you aren’t listening very closely.”
He grew silent.
I stared at my toes fighting against crying.
He broke the silence.
“Now, tell me what you got planned for your day.”
I cleared my throat, lifted my gaze, and focused on his tidy, winter yard. “Unpacking. Calling Colombo’s. Online shopping to build a vision for my reading nook.”
Your reading nook.
Damn.
“That all sounds good but not sure it’s gonna fill up your day, Rosie.”
He wanted me to fill up my day so I had good things to do, things to stay busy with, things that would keep me from getting in my head and messing with my own damn self.
And that was so damn Snapper.
“I also need rugs, a dining room table, garden furniture, another seating area,” and a portable crib. I didn’t share the last. I didn’t want him freaking at this point. One of us freaking was enough. I just finished, “I think now that I’m feeling better, I’m going to consider the rest of the time off more of a vacation and relax. Check in with Mom. Just…be.”
“That sounds like it’ll work,” he murmured.
I drew in a deep breath.
“You fall back into your head and it isn’t good, Rosie, you call me,” he ordered.
“Okay, Snapper.”
“I’ll text when I’m on my way tonight with food.”
“Okay.”
“Right, I’ll let you go now.”
“Uh…Snap?”
“Right here.”
I drew in another deep breath then said, “Thanks, honey, for pulling me out of my head.”
“Thanks for letting me.”
That had me closing my eyes again, dropping my head and opening them to stare at my toes.
“Pedicure,” I mumbled.
“Say again?”
“I’m going to give myself a pedicure today.”
“Call your mom and go out and get one with her.”
“That sounds perfect.”
It did and I decided to set that up before I even called Colombo’s.
And Snap sounded like he was smiling when he replied, “Great. Later, Scully.”
“The truth is out there, Mulder. It’s also in here, since you just laid a ton of it on me.”
The last thing I heard before he disconnected was him chuckling.
I loved that.
So much I memorized that in a way I hoped to God I’d never forget that moment and the sound of Snapper’s humor after all he’d just given me.
Then I took my phone from my ear and called my mother.
* * * *
“Okay, give it to me, what’s going on with my Rosalie,” Mom ordered.
I’d unpacked. Colombo’s knew to put me on rotation. We’d had lunch, then manis and pedis. Now we were sitting on the couch in front of the windows at Fortnum’s Used Bookstore having a latte as crafted by a crazy man who looked like serial killers never looked, but you expected them to, who made the absolute best coffee in Denver.
And I was not surprised that my mom had read me.
“Snapper is coming over for dinner tonight and to have a heavy conversation about what’s next for him and me,” I shared.
“Good. And after that takes five minutes to figure out, I hope he gives you an orgasm during your first time which would round him out as utterly perfect for you,” she shot back.
I stared at her.
“Your father would love him,” she declared, leaned into me, and repeated with emphasis, “Love him.”
He absolutely would.
And that felt crazy-good.
It was high time I laid it out.
And as ever, I laid it out with my mother.
“Mom, Chaos is at war with a man called Benito Valenzuela. He’s the head of a syndicate that sells drugs, runs guns, peddles flesh, and makes porno movies.”
I watched my mom’s mouth turn down.
“And Chaos are vigilantes,” I kept going. “Even before this war with this Benito guy cropped up, they patrolled their turf and if they found something happening they didn’t like, this being illegal activities, they didn’t…and still don’t…call the police.” I paused, studied her closely and asked, “Are you understanding me?”
“I…uh, is this a bad thing?” she asked back.
Seriously?
I leaned toward her and hissed, “Mom! Snapper and his brothers are at war and they act like Chaos turf is Tombstone, they’re the Earp brothers, and they have every right to police it when it’s not Tombstone. It’s Denver. Well, parts are Englewood,” I meandered off target and then got back to it. “And Denver, and Englewood, have their own police.”
“So they’re an outlaw biker club who are outlaws by being citizens that make people obey the law,” she said.
That sounded almost…
Noble.
Damn.
“Well…yeah,” I replied.
“And this is bad because…?” she asked.
“Because it’s dangerous,” I snapped.
“And did you know this happened when you dated that Shy person?” she inquired.
“Not really, that’s when I found out,” I told her.
“And you didn’t end things with him when he turned out to be a vigilante?” she pushed.
I shut up.
She still knew my answer since I didn’t end things with Shy. He’d ended them with me.
Thus she kept talking.
“And, although you didn’t share the fullness of your maneuvers with Chaos against Bounty with your mother, you put your behind on the line for Chaos against your old man’s club knowing they had something planned for your old man’s club. And since that is not about Chaos turf in Denver or Englewood, but things happening on Bounty turf in Aurora, this had something to do with this war with this Benito person you also knew about.”
“I heard Beck talking about what his brothers were getting into. And that Benito guy. And the Chaos situation. And old ladies and biker groupies chat. So, not all of it, but yeah, I knew enough of it.”
“Enough of it you approached Chaos to help out,” she surmised.
I shut up again.
“Because you wanted Beck to sort himself out,” she kept at me.
“At first,” I said.
“And when he continued to go along with his club when they were doing seriously stupid stuff that put you all in danger, you gave up on him and started to see what else was out there, even if this happened unintentionally. That something else in your face and your life and involved with this situation,” she deduced.
I nodded.
She nodded back and kept going.
“I think it’s important to note that you were in danger even before you informed on your old man’s club, Rosalie. The authorities don’t like anyone enjoying ill-gotten gains, not even those who gained them consequently. This might not mean you’d be prosecuted when they’d gotten caught. What it would mean is that, if you’d bought a home with Beck’s dirty money, it would be taken from you. If you’d bought a car, it would be taken from you. If you’d had children with him, the powers that be might concern themselves with your ability to make good choices for yourself and your children, and they might consider taking them from you. And Beck made conscious decisions to put you right there. It was you who made conscious decisions to get you and him out.”
“I know what happened, Mom,” I said carefully.
“And in the meantime, you met Snapper, who came to mean something to you, something deep and good and important. A Snapper who is with a club at war with a man who peddles flesh and makes porn and your issue is…?” she prompted.
“He might get hurt,” I told her.
“Yes, and a police officer faces every shift every day with that same risk.”
And finally we were where I needed us to be.
“Snap is not police,” I pointed out.
“And a soldier faces that every day when they’re deployed,” she kept on like I didn’t say anything.
“He’s not a soldier either, Mom.”
She jerked her head to the side. “He isn’t?”
I shut up again.
“You know,” she carried on, “in a perfect world, there are rules and everyone abides by them. There is good and there is bad and everyone understands which is which. There is dark and there is light and each person understands which they carry inside them. But this isn’t a perfect world, Rosalie, and it never will be. In every case, in every instance, in every nook and cranny on this planet, the lines are blurred. Each person has to decide their version of what is right and what is not. And so far, you haven’t told me anything that, according to my version, isn’t right about Snapper Kavanaugh or his Club.”
“I’m scared of losing him to this war,” I told her.
“And he’s deeply in love with you. How do you think he’s felt all these months you’ve been a part of an outlaw motorcycle club you’ve been informing on, Rosalie? How well do you think he’s slept knowing he couldn’t protect you every second of every day? And now, when what happened to you happened, living with how that might scar you and he’s powerless over that too.”
Not exactly.
He was so far really good at handling that last part.
That said, I’d never considered how Snapper might have felt about what danger I was putting myself in. I’d just pushed him away when worse came to worse and he was blaming himself and hurting for me and wanting to step up to take care of me.
Not wanting to do it.
Doing it.
God!
Now I not only had a messed-up head, I was a selfish bitch.
“Life is a risk, Rosalie,” she said impatiently, cutting into my thoughts. “And I totally understand you being hesitant after that pack of mongrels set themselves on you. But I hope I raised a daughter stronger than that. A daughter who can get herself past that and recognize what’s good for her, grab hold, and keep it close and safe for as long as God gives her the privilege of having it.”
I looked away and sipped coffee, right then worried that I wasn’t that daughter she’d hoped she’d raised.
The coffee was awesome, and as such fortifying, but nothing could be fortifying enough to pull my stuff together on this.
Mom’s tone was a lot gentler when she noted, “You say you’re in love with him.”
“I fell in love with him while I was with another man,” I told the nicked coffee table covered in spent magazines and used books for sale that had been taken from shelves, perused over coffee, and left for next time.
“Honeypot,” she called.
I looked to her.
“Do you feel guilt for not being loyal in your heart to Beck?” she asked.
“Yes,” I answered tightly. “And Mom,” I went on when her face started to set hard, “it isn’t all about Beck, even if part of it is. It’s about wondering what Snap will think that I could do that to Beck when he might be up next.”
Understanding dawned on her. “Ah.”
“Yeah,” I mumbled. “Ah.”
“So, along with healing after being gang-beaten, moved into a new space, worried what your ex’s club has planned for you, and concerned about the activities of the man you’re currently in love with, you’re also bearing the burden that if you try it with him, the way it started between you, he’ll never truly trust you.”
There was absolutely all that.
There was also the scar thing, but Snapper took care of that.
Gah!
“Yes,” I answered Mom.
“And what does Snapper say about all of this?”
“I think this is going to be our conversation tonight.”
All of a sudden, she leaned into me, latched her fingers around my forearm and whispered fiercely, “Be the daughter I raised and recognize what’s good for you, fucking grab hold, keep it close, and keep it precious, Rosalie, for as long as God gives you the privilege of having it.”
I stared at my mom with big eyes.
My father was a swearer. He could be working on something in the garage that wasn’t going right and let out a string of swear words that lasted five whole minutes that would make a sailor raise his brows.
My mother hardly ever swore.
So the f-word was huge.
But what she was urging me to do was even more huge.
“You like him,” I whispered.
She let me go, sat back, and said exasperatedly, “Oh for goodness sakes, Rosalie. Obviously. I mean, what’s not to like?” Then she sucked back an irate sip of her coffee, tasted it, and the irritation fled as the miracle of a serial-killer-but-not-serial-killer-looking barista’s artistry touched her taste buds.
“Mom?” I called.
She turned her eyes to me.
My eyes to me.
I loved my eyes. I loved my mother.
But I wished I got just a little piece of my dad.
“I miss Dad,” I admitted.
She leaned back toward me, her face melting into sheer beauty.
“Of course you do, sweetie. He was the kind of man who was always going to leave a huge hole in the world of those he loved when he left them. The kind of hole, honeypot,” she leaned even closer, “that feels when he’s gone like it’ll never get filled. Don’t try to fill it, Rosalie. Let it sit because it’s not empty. It’s filled to bursting with the love he had for you and the memories he gave our family. It isn’t the same as having him. It never will be. But it’s a treasure regardless. So learn to treasure it and do what he’d want you to do. Find someone to love you, to make new treasured memories with. And don’t let fears and loss hold you back. That isn’t the daughter I raised. But more, that isn’t the daughter your father raised.”
I stared at her, muttering, “Oh no, I’m going to start crying.”
“Okay, I have Kleenex,” she replied.
“Mom!” I exclaimed kinda loudly. “I don’t want to start crying.”
She looked perplexed. “Why in the world not?”
“Because…because…because…” I didn’t know why. “Because I’m seeing Snapper later. It’ll mess up my makeup and make my eyes all puffy.”
She waved her hand in front of her face, took another sip of coffee, got a fleeting look reminiscent of what she looked like after Dad was done with her, then said, “That’s why God made washcloths and Visine. Cold compresses take the puffy away and Visine rids the red. Walgreens is just down the street. If you don’t have Visine, we’ll get you some drops before you head home. And some condoms. I’m sure with the man Snapper is, he’ll come prepared, but just in case.”
I stopped wanting to cry and started smiling.
“Do you know how much I love you?” I asked.
She looked me right in the eye and answered, “Yes.”
Damn.
I felt like crying again.
Instead of crying, I jumped and looked up when the huge, serial-killer-looking-not-a-serial-killer, wild-gray-and-blond-haired, crazy-russet-bearded barista smashed two coffee mugs on the table before us and boomed, “Jesus Jones! I don’t even know what you bitches are talking about and you’re killin’ my mood. Suck more of that back and get over this shit. I got a new litter of kitties that came in last night I get to go home and play with. I don’t wanna be on a downer when I got new kitties.”
Mom and I stared up at him, agog, and I was pretty sure both of us didn’t know which part of his boom to be most agog about.
He retreated behind the coffee machine as the beautiful redheaded lady who owned the place took up the space he’d exited.
“Sorry about Tex calling you bitches, bossing you around, and freaking you out talking about kittens. He’s kind of a cat lover. And a crazy guy. The, uh…coffees are on the house.” She then took off on a stomp and did it shouting toward the coffee machine, “Tex, swear to God, the next customers you—”
“Zip it, sister!” the crazy man called Tex interrupted her on a bellow. “You’re not stealin’ my new kitty thunder with your attitude either!”
“I’m not stealing your new kitty thunder!” she shouted back. “I’m trying to retain customers so I can buy that new pair of cowboy boots Lee says I can’t have because I already have fifteen pairs.”
“Like you’re hurtin’. This store turns over a shitload and your husband’s rollin’ in it,” Tex retorted.
“And like she cares Lee says she can’t have them,” Mom and I heard whispered from our sides, this coming from a pretty blonde lady who had a smile that made her a knockout. “She already bought those boots. She just wants Tex to pipe down and not freak people out.”
Mom and I looked in unison to the silent standoff Tex and the redhead were having with their eyes, but we looked back to the blonde when she spoke again.
“And it isn’t about his mood,” she said. “He’s worried about your bandage. It doesn’t look like it, but he’s a ladies’ man in the good kind of way, really protective, and he doesn’t like what he sees. He doesn’t know you but he does know people like his coffee, and since that’s all he can give, he gave it. So really, he’s just a big, crazy, kinda scary softie.”
She delivered that, then she swiped up a used mug that had been there when we sat there and took off.
“Don’t ya just love this place?” we heard from the table in the corner that was on the other side of us and our heads swung that way. “These people are freakin’ loco,” the woman there went on. “You never know the shenanigans they’ll get up to. Honestly, and I know this’ll say it all, I don’t actually come here for the coffee. That’s just the icing on the cake. I come here for the floorshow. It never disappoints.”
She lifted her foamy-topped latte our way and turned back to the book she was not-so-much reading.
I looked to Mom.
Her eyes drifted to me.
And then we burst out laughing.
In the midst of it, we heard boomed, “See! Look at those bitches now, Indy Nightingale! My work is done!”
So of course we laughed harder.