I didn’t know what to say other than yes, when he asked if he could sit down. What was I supposed to say? My tongue felt heavy as I looked at him. John had changed. We’d known each other since middle school, had started dating in high school and carried on through college. John had always wanted to fight for as long as I’d known him. At first, it was wrestling, but it quickly progressed to boxing. I always thought he’d grow out of it, but he didn’t. He used to be on the slender side, but now I could see he was all hard muscle, everywhere my eyes tried not to look.

“Boxing? Is that why you came back?”

He nodded. “Yeah. I’ve gone as far as I can in New York, so my manager said I should move here, at least for a few years. Then…well, who knows what I’ll be doing.”

I frowned. “Well, it’s good to see you haven’t gotten hurt.”

“Nothing too serious. I told you it wasn’t as bad as you made it out to be.”

I glanced away from him. John knew how I felt about fighting. Stupid, barbaric, and worst of all there was a real possibility he could get seriously hurt. His father had been a boxer, and he’d died young. One too many blows to the head and a lifestyle influenced by traveling around and getting into too much trouble. It seemed stupid to me. A part of me had always been terrified I’d end up losing John the same way.

“I know you don’t like it.”

All I could do was stare at him. Why was he here talking to me? Did he want my approval? Was he trying to start things back up? Did he want things to be the way they’d been before he left? I kept my guard up; I couldn’t afford to let it down around him. Not again. He’d already broken me once, and I refused to go through that a second time.

It felt like we were having the same conversation we’d had years ago. Back then, I’d been even more outspoken about how much I’d hated his fighting. It had taken a toll on our relationship, but we still tried to make it work. Instead of avoiding it altogether, John would invite me to watch him fight, to see the safety precautions in place. Even if it wasn’t what I wanted for him back then, I’d started to accept it. Until it became the thing that tore him away from me.

John and I had been so good together. I remembered staying awake until the early hours just walking around together. Some nights we’d shift and run off into the woods, not coming back until we were exhausted. He’d always known when I needed that stress release, when school became too much, and I was convinced I was going to fail every class. Maybe that’s why I managed to overlook the fighting, because I knew there was so much more to him than that. I felt his eyes on me, waiting for an answer as I shook my head to clear the memories.

“No, I don’t care for it, but I know you’re good at it and it makes you happy. That should be all that matters, right?”

I tried to keep the sharpness out of my voice. Why was he acting as if he was concerned about what I did and didn’t like? He hadn’t cared when he left. Back then it had only been about him and what he wanted. I’d stood at that bus stop begging him not to leave. We were supposed to have a future together but talks of getting married and having a family were brushed aside in favor of his dream. I pushed those thoughts away. It was a long time ago and there was no reason to keep holding onto it. He’d moved on. I’d moved on. Life was different now.

“What about you? What are you doing now?” he asked, breaking me out of my thoughts.

“Oh! I finally decided on a major after you left. I ended up going into nursing. I thought I wouldn’t be able to handle it because of all the blood, but it’s not that bad actually and I get to help people,” I realized I was rambling. “Sorry, long answer.”

“You always were the one to patch us up when we got into scrapes or got sick. I bet you’re a great nurse.”

I nodded. “It’s interesting and I like it. Healing people is better than hurting them,” I paused, realizing what I’d said. “Not that you’re…”

He chewed his lip uncomfortably as if he knew exactly what I meant. On some level, I was still so angry at him. He was acting so nonchalant, like everything was fine, as if we could just be friends. I didn’t know if I could even be that with him right now.

“I should head back…”

“Who was that guy with you? Does he work at the hospital too?”

I stopped, taken by surprise at his question. Why do you want to know? I wanted to ask him, but I couldn’t. It already felt far too odd that he was even asking me about someone after we’d only just met each other again. I knew how John could get, how jealous he could be.

“Yeah,” I answered finally. “He works on a different floor, so things are sometimes a bit slower for him, plus he’s pretty new.”

“Oh. You two seemed close.”

I nodded. “Very close over the past few years. I really should be getting back or I’m going to be late.”

“How about we do this again sometime? I could buy us lunch and we could catch up properly.”

I looked him over, nodding slightly. “Maybe. I’m usually so busy with work I’m not sure when I’d be free.”

“How about we exchange numbers? You can text me whenever you’re available.”

“Okay.”

I didn’t see the harm in taking his number. What I chose to do with it was up to me. I dug my phone out and as we exchanged numbers I caught sight of the time. It really had gotten late while I was talking to him. I waved and jogged off, my heart still pounding as I made my way back to the hospital. I only stopped when I was safely inside and I sighed. How was he still able to rile me up so much? I looked at his number on the screen for a while before I shoved my phone back in my pocket. I didn’t have time to think about that right now. I had to concentrate on getting ready for class.

* * *

“So, what, you just didn’t tell him anything?”

“What was I supposed to say?”

“Uh, something like ‘I’m still kinda pissed off at you, but I obviously still love you. Let’s stop beating around the bush like jerks.’”

I stared at Corbin. “There’s no way in hell I’d ever say any of that.”

“Well, you have to say something! What are you going to do, just avoid him? You can’t, the guy lives here again and it’s not that big a town.”

“I know,” I whined as I laid my head on his kitchen table. “I don’t know what to do.”

“You better figure it out, and fast. Ignoring it won’t make it go away. It’s up to you, Matt. Do you want to be with him or do you want him to know there’s no way you plan on pursuing anything with him again? I think you’re worrying for nothing.”

“Why?”

“Who knows if he’s even single? You ran off without talking to him properly. He could totally be with someone. Maybe he doesn’t want to get back with you.”

“It’s just a look he gives me,” I mumbled. “You wouldn’t understand.”

“Oh no. I wouldn’t understand the look,” Corbin’s loud sigh filled the kitchen. “Don’t let him get you all on edge like this. I’m sure he’ll be too busy to bother you after a while anyway.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” I sat up and put my chin in my palm. “He flusters me, he always has.”

“We all have exes like that.”

“That’s true,” I sighed as I pushed myself up. “I’m gonna go home and get some rest.”

“I thought you were staying for dinner.”

“Tomorrow.”

I waved as I left his apartment and headed for my own place. We only lived a few blocks from each other and I was glad about that. Corbin was always nearby when I needed him. I pushed into my apartment and dropped my bag on the couch before plopping down beside it. How was I supposed to focus with John floating around in my brain?

My phone vibrated, and I slipped it free from my pocket. As soon as I saw his name, my heart began to thud hard against my ribcage. John. I took a minute, closing my eyes before reading his message.

“It was nice seeing you and catching up today. Can’t wait to hang out.”

I didn’t respond. Honestly, I didn’t know how to respond. Instead, I put my phone away and grabbed my bag, determined to stop dwelling on the heat that was quickly building in my brain and dancing along my spine. Studying. If I buried myself in studying the new material we’d been given I’d be fine. I wasn’t going to let John come back into my life and disrupt everything. I wasn’t angry at him, not anymore, but I wouldn’t let him take over again either. I decided to throw myself into my work instead.