Chapter 13

Harper

Leaving hadn’t been easy, and it wasn’t only because of Luke. Leaving Nora hadn’t been easy, and the two of us had cried over breakfast promising that we wouldn’t wait another three years to see each other. I told her maybe next time she should come out and see me. It might be best considering it might be too soon to see Luke again. I didn’t want to go falling back into bed with him, or I might never get away. I couldn’t believe how hard it was to leave without a proper goodbye, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it no matter how much Nora wanted me to.

I’d driven out early and was back home by ten o’clock that night having made one stop on the way to stretch my legs and eat. Every motorcycle on the way made me think of Luke and who knew there were that many on the streets. A part of me wished he’d come after me, but after putting up one hell of a fight, that was nothing more than wishful thinking at its best.

My apartment was stuffy, and I longed for the clean air of Kentucky. I wasn’t about to open a window and instead opted for the fan I kept in the hall closet. If I closed my eyes, it still wouldn’t be as heavenly as the breeze had been up on that hillside.

I decided not to call my ex and tell him I was back in town. He’d only try to see me, and it was far past time to move on.

I decided to run a hot bath and rest my aching bones. Sitting in a car the entire drive home had taken a toll on me and I stretched out in the tub and released a long breath. I closed my eyes, and all I could see was Luke. He had looked so good the night of the party stretched out in his bed. We’d slowly undressed each other, and he’d crawled to the center of his huge bed where he laid back and called me over to join him. His thick erection lay across his lower abdomen pointed straight up his tight stomach, almost touching his belly button. Thick and proud, it waited, and he stood it up as if it were an offering for me to do with what I wished.

The heat built slowly in my core as I remembered the way I’d crawled to him, like a prowling cat about to pounce and I kissed my way up his thigh and across his heavy sac up his shaft and across his hand until my mouth was on his glossy head. I had swirled my tongue across the tip and then pleasured him until my aching need won out and I climbed on and rode him, greedy for my own release. He’d given it to me too, but it wasn’t like I’d expected him to fail. He was a generous lover as well as commanding, and that was my favorite part about him.

Why couldn’t I get him out of my mind? I opened my eyes and sat up and took a washcloth from the basket beside the tub and wet it, making sure the water was nice and hot. I let the steam rise up around me and then I shut off the water, leaving a slow, steady drip hoping the sound would soothe me I laid back with the hot rag across my face and tried to think of happier, less heartbreaking thoughts.

It was no use. I kept seeing him; beside me, inside me, smiling and laughing. I’d loved his playfulness and the way he’d challenged me. He hadn’t given up on me, not until I’d given him no choice.

It had been nothing more than a fling, the equivalent to a summer’s romance that only lasted as long as a vacation and not a moment longer. The kind you fondly remember as you carry on with life.

I’d get over it. I’d move on and think of it, but I wouldn’t let it hinder me.

I wasn’t fooling anyone but myself.

I got out of the tub and headed to bed hoping I’d wake with a better outlook on things, one that didn’t include Luke.

I woke up hours later and took a deep breath to build up my courage to face the day. It was supposed to be cleansing but instead, I felt empty. I missed my sister and Luke, and I didn’t want to go into work. Aside from my patients and a few acquaintances who were still speaking to me since the divorce, I didn’t have anything keeping me here.

I dragged out of bed and went to the kitchen where I’d left my phone charging on the counter. Nora had messaged curious if I’d made it home and I felt bad that I had probably made her worry.

I contemplated calling, but wouldn’t let myself. I messaged her instead, telling her I made it last night and was so tired I fell asleep before I had a chance to call. I left a smiley face emoji on the end so she’d think I was happy and hit send.

I thought I’d gotten away with it, but then she called me.

“Hey, Nora. What’s happening out in the country?” I imagined her sitting at her breakfast table over one of her egg-white omelets.

“You left your sweater. Luke brought it over this morning.” She paused as if to wait for a reaction, but I was silent.

In my mind, the vision of Luke and me undressing, him peeling off my sweater to instigate it, as his lips burned against mine, kept playing on repeat.

“He told me what happened. He showed up here this morning bright and early smelling like booze and I think he spent the whole night drinking. He was a real mess, Harper.” Her tone was almost scolding, and my heart ached thinking about him in such a state.

“I didn’t think it would affect him like that. He’ll be fine.”

“How could it not affect him? He’s in love with you. He asked you to stay didn’t he? That’s why you left early. You were running away from him. I knew it. You’ve got it bad.” Her words surprised me.

“It’s going to take some time, but we’ll get over it and move on. It wasn’t supposed to develop into anything, and I never wanted it to.” I was running from my problems not trying to create more of them.

“Well, good luck with that. And when you come to your senses you’re always welcome back. I’ll mail your sweater.”

“Keep it.” I knew if she did then I’d always have an excuse to come back.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.” She let out a breath that created static through the phone. “You know, he had a good idea. You’d love it here.”

“I’ve got to go, Nora. I’ll call you later.” I hung up the phone before she could say anything else and then went to the living room and lay on the couch. My head hung off the edge, and I noticed the cabinet across the way was open. I had dug around for an envelope the day I’d left for Nora’s, and I knew inside was also something else I hadn’t remembered in a long time.

I sat up and then got to my feet. I crossed the room and then dropped to my knees in front of the little cabinet. I’d always tucked things in there to get them out of my way, but when I’d first moved in, I used it to store my home office supplies and a few old scrapbooks.

I thumbed through the papers I’d shoved in there over the years and found my little scrapbook I was thinking about. It held lots of memories, but most importantly a letter my mother had written me on my graduation day.

I turned the pages seeing things I hadn’t thought about and forgotten I had over the years and then I came to the letter. It was on a piece of pink stationary that had a little bird in the corner. My mom had always used stationary and even kept a small writing desk that I wish I’d kept. I unfolded the paper and read the letter.

Seeing her handwriting brought tears to my eyes but reading the words, it put an ache in my heart. She’d been proud of me. I remember reading the letter back on the day she’d given it to me and how I’d blushed. The words didn’t mean as much then as they did now. I took for granted that mom would always be around to write me sappy letters and embarrass me in front of my friends. How I missed her now.

I could still hear her voice too, with every word the sound filled my mind and was clearer to me than it could have been if she were sitting there with me.

At the bottom, she signed it with a row of hugs and kisses, and then finally “Follow your heart and don’t ever let anything hold you back,” had been the postscript. Love, Mom.

Follow my heart.

I hadn’t done that for so long. I’d tried to follow my dreams and it’s funny how pursuing your dreams can get in the way of what the heart wants. I’d sacrificed plenty for what I thought were dreams; the perfect life and the perfect career; fancy home, expensive car, and wardrobe.

What did any of that get me in the end?

I read those words over and over and knew what I had to do.