CHAPTER 16
“You’re certain?”
Gabriel whispered his question so his son wouldn’t wake up. Alex was sleeping on a mat across the chamber. Only the top of his head was visible above the mound of covers Johanna felt he needed to stay warm.
She and her husband were in bed. Gabriel held Johanna in his arms. She was so relieved he was finally reacting, she let out a little sigh. She’d given Gabriel her good news over an hour ago, then waited for him to tell her how happy she’d made him. He hadn’t said a word until now.
“I have all the symptoms.” she whispered back. “I was disbelieving at first, of course, because I thought I was barren for a very long while. Are you happy about the baby, Gabriel?”
“Yes.”
She sighed again. It was too dark in the chamber to see his face, but she guessed he was smiling.
“Glynis told me a woman can be barren with one man and fertile with another. Do you know what that means?”
“What”
“Men can be barren, too.”
He laughed. She hushed him so he wouldn’t wake Alex. “Your first husband obviously was.” he said.
“Why does that please you?”
“He was a bastard.”
She couldn’t fault his reasoning. “Why don’t men acknowledge that they could be the barren ones in a marriage?”
“Such an admission would wound their pride, I suppose. It’s easier to blame the women. It isn’t right, just easier.”
She let out a loud, lusty yawn. Gabriel was stroking her back. The caress made her sleepy. He asked her something, but she was too tired to answer him. She closed her eyes and was dead to the world a minute later.
Gabriel didn’t fall asleep for another hour. He held Johanna close and thought about the baby. He should have wanted a boy as his first choice, for a man couldn’t have enough sons to help with the building of an empire, but he really hoped for a baby girl. She would have blue eyes and yellow hair, like her mother, and if God was willing to recreate perfection, his daughter would be every bit as sassy.
He fell asleep with a smile on his face.
Laird MacBain told his clan about the baby the following morning. Johanna stood next to her husband on the top step outside the doors. Alex stood next to her. Both the Maclaurins and the MacBains cheered the news. Johanna and Gabriel had already told Alex. The little boy didn’t seem overly interested about a new brother or sister, and his lack of interest convinced his parents he was feeling secure.
He could barely stand still during the announcement. His father had promised to take him riding, and to a four-year-old, a minute of waiting seemed to feel as long as an hour.
After Gabriel dismissed the well-wishers, Johanna turned to Calum and Keith.
“I’ve come up with several names I’d like to ...”
“Good God, lass, you can’t tell us the baby’s name,” Keith blurted out.
The Maclaurin soldier was horrified by her ignorance. Didn’t she realize the bairn’s name should never, ever be told to another person before the baptism? As soon as he was able to stop sputtering, he asked her just that question. She told him she guessed she didn’t realize.
“I was never concerned about the traditions regarding babies,” she explained.
“What is that, m’lady?” Calum asked. “Most married women are careful to follow every tradition.”
“I thought I was barren.”
“You’re not,” Keith remarked.
She smiled. “No, I’m not,” she agreed.
“We’ll have to do our best to instruct you, then, on the importance of the name you select.”
“A man’s name is far more important than just a name,” Calum announced.
Before she could ask what in heaven’s name he meant by that statement, Keith turned her attention. “If another person has knowledge of the name before the christening, he could use it to work magic on the babe.”
Calum nodded agreement.
Johanna could tell from their serious expressions they weren’t jesting with her. They really believed their nonsense. “Is this tradition or superstition you’re giving me?” she asked.
Glynis stepped forward to join the conversation. She wanted to add a few important reminders of her own.
“If the babe cries during the christening, then it is sufficient proof the devil’s been driven out, m’lady. Did you already know that truth?”
Johanna shook her head. She had never heard of anything so preposterous. She didn’t want to injure Glynis’s feelings, however, and for that reason she didn’t smile.
“Then I shall hope the baby cries,” she said.
“You might also give the wee one a tiny pinch to ensure he does cry out,” Glynis suggested.
“Some mothers probably do,” Keith speculated.
“If your baby’s born at midnight or at the twilight hour, he’ll have the gift of second sight, of course. Heaven help the babe if he comes during the chime hours, for then he’ll have the ability to see ghosts and spirits hidden from the rest of us.”
“Papa, aren’t you ready to leave yet?” Alex asked.
Gabriel nodded. He leaned down, ordered Johanna not to exhaust herself, and then lifted his son on his shoulder and started for the stables.
Leila walked across the courtyard, bowed her head to her laird when she passed him, and then hurried over to Johanna to offer her congratulations.
“It’s joyful news,” she said.
“Aye, it is,” Glynis agreed. “I was just giving m’lady a few suggestions,” she told Leila.
“And I shall try to remember every one of them,” Johanna promised.
Keith shook his head. “I doubt you’ll remember,” he said. “You’ve forgotten what day this is,” he added. “You’re wearing the wrong plaid again.”
“I’m beginning to wonder if she’s doing it on purpose,” Calum remarked. There was a hint of amusement in his voice. As soon as the MacBain soldier spoke, Leila deliberately turned so that her back was to Calum. She kept her gaze directed on the ground. Johanna noticed the action and was intrigued by it.
“Glynis, Megan told me you had a good hand at cutting hair,” Johanna said.
“ ’Tis the truth I do have a talent for the task.”
“Clare MacKay could use your assistance,” Johanna said. “The Maclnnes men made a mess out of her hair.”
“I know they did,” Glynis said. “They meant to make a mess so anyone seeing her would know her shame.”
Johanna didn’t want to get into a long discussion about Clare now. “Yes,” she agreed. “But Clare’s father is coming here today, and I was wondering if you could . . .”
“Say no more, m’lady. I’ll be happy to fetch my scissors and try to make the lass look a little more presentable.”
“Thank you,” Johanna said. “Leila, please don’t leave just yet,” she added when the Maclaurin woman turned to walk with Glynis across the yard.
“Since Lady Johanna’s wearing the MacBain colors, I assume she’s your responsibility today,” Keith told Calum.
“I can take care of myself, gentlemen,” Johanna said. “You both waste your time following me around.”
The two men ignored her protest. “Aye, she is my responsibility,” Calum said.
Johanna decided she would have to talk to Gabriel about the foolishness in his command. The men would continue to trail after her until they were released from the duty by their laird.
Keith bowed to his mistress and left to see his duties completed. Calum was about to go back inside, but Johanna stayed him with her hand on his arm.
“Calum, may I have a minute of your time? I would like to introduce you to Leila.”
He gave her a look that suggested she’d lost her senses. “I’ve known Leila for some time, m’lady.”
He didn’t spare the Maclaurin woman a glance when he said her name. Johanna turned to Leila. She was diligently staring at the ground. “Leila, have you met Calum?”
“You know I have,” Leila whispered.
“Then tell me please, both of you, why you act as though you’ve never met before? I’m very curious and probably interfering, but I assure you I have the best of intentions. I thought, from the looks you try not to give each other, well, that you might actually care about each other a great deal.”
“He’s a MacBain.”
“She’s a Maclaurin.”
“Please excuse me, m’lady,” Calum said, his voice clipped and hard. “I have duties that need my attention. I don’t have time for such foolish talk.”
He didn’t even nod jn Leila’s direction when he left. She kept her gaze turned away. Johanna reached out to touch her arm. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make either one of you upset. You do care about Calum, don’t you?”
She gave an abrupt nod. “I have tried not to have these feelings, m’lady,” she whispered. “I cannot seem to help myself.”
“I believe Calum has feelings for you, Leila.”
“Nay,” she argued. “He would never allow himself to become attracted to a Maclaurin.”
“I didn’t realize the separation between the clans ran this deep,” Johanna remarked.
“How could you not know? The way the men carry on whenever you wear the wrong plaid should be proof enough of the importance they attach to the issue. We’re all trying to get along with each other yet stay separate at the same time.”
“But why must everyone stay separate?”
Leila confessed she didn’t know. “We’re all most appreciative of our laird’s patience with us,” she said. “I heard what you said at the supper table about the land belonging to the MacBains now. Everyone was talking about it, m’lady. What you said made sense to some of us. The Maclaurin soldiers didn’t like hearing the truth, however.”
“Do you know what I think? We have one too many plaids.”
“Aye, we do,” Leila agreed. “But neither clan is going to give up its colors, no matter how much you plead.”
“I’m not going to plead with anyone,” Johanna said. “Will you answer a question please? If Calum was a Maclaurin, would he court you?”
“I would hope he would,” she answered. “But he isn’t a Maclaurin, and he doesn’t have any feelings for me anyway.”
Johanna turned the topic then. “Would you like to come back to the hall and help with the tasks every now and again?”
“Oh, yes, m’lady, I would. I could see . . .” She stopped before she gave herself away.
Johanna wasn’t fooled. “Yes, you would be able to see Calum more often.”
Leila blushed. “Our laird doesn’t want me to ...”
“But of course he does,” Johanna said. “Come for dinner tonight, Leila. You’ll sit next to me. We’ll discuss your duties after we’ve eaten.”
“I would be honored to sit at your table,” Leila whispered. Her voice shook with emotion.
“I must go inside now and take my turn sitting with Clare. I’ll see you tonight, Leila.”
Johanna hurried upstairs and went directly to Clare’s chamber. She dismissed Megan from her task of watching over the woman and sat down to talk to her.
“Did you climb the stairs without assistance, m’lady?” Megan demanded to know.
“Of course,” Johanna answered, surprised by the censure in Megan’s tone.
“You could fall,” Megan countered. “You shouldn’t be taking such chances.”
“Megan, I have enough people fretting over me. ’Tis the truth I’ll go daft if I’m followed around day and night. I held onto the railing,” she added when Megan looked ready to protest.
“Are you ill, Lady Johanna?” Clare asked.
“She’s carrying, like you,” Megan blurted out. She nodded, then closed the door behind her.
“Congratulations, m’lady. I hope you give your husband a sound boy.”
Clare struggled to sit up in bed. Johanna tucked the covers around the woman before taking her seat again.
“A girl will be just as pleasing,” she remarked.
Clare shook her head. “I wouldn’t want a girl. Boys have far more advantages, but girls are only used for barter. Isn’t that so?”
“Yes,” Johanna agreed. She folded her hands in her lap and smiled at the MacKay woman.
Clare was frowning at her. “Then why would you want one? You’ll have the worry your husband will give her in marriage to some evil man, and she’ll spend the rest of her life . . .”
“Being afraid?”
Clare nodded. “And hurt,” she whispered.
“My husband would not deliberately give his daughter to a monster,” she said. “Did your father know MacInnes was cruel-hearted?”
Clare shrugged. “He only cared about uniting the two clans.”
Johanna was disheartened to hear that news. “Does your father love you?”
“As much as any father would love a daughter,” she replied.
“Girls are more clever.” Johanna said. “Even Father MacKechnie believes this to be true.”
“They can still be beaten and humiliated. You don’t realize how fortunate you are, Lady Johanna. Your husband treats you well.”
Johanna leaned back in her chair. “I wouldn’t stay here if he didn’t treat me well.”
Clare didn’t look like she believed Johanna. “How could you leave?” she asked.
“I would find a way,” Johanna explained. “Clare, when I was married before, to an Englishman, I would pray every night I wouldn’t conceive. I didn’t want to give him a girl because I knew he would mistreat her whenever he felt inclined to vent his anger, and I didn’t want to give him a boy because I knew he would be taken away from me and raised in his father’s image. I didn’t want such foul attitudes about women to be passed down, you see.”
“Were you beaten?”
“Yes.”
“How did the Englishman die? Did you kill him?”
Johanna was surprised by the question. She shook her head. “There were times I wanted to kill him, and I’ll surely burn in hell for admitting such a sin of contemplation, but I didn’t give in to my anger. I didn’t want to be like him, Clare. I felt trapped, yes, and then I realized I was intelligent enough to find a way to leave.”
“How did he die?”
“I was told by King John he fell from a cliff near the city on the waters. I didn’t even know he’d left England.”
Clare nodded. Johanna decided to turn the topic. “Glynis will be here in a few minutes with her scissors. She’ll try to repair your hair.”
“When will my father get here?”
“We expect him this afternoon.”
“I don’t want my hair repaired. It used to be as long as yours until they butchered it. I want my father to see what the Maclnnes men did to his daughter.”
“What about your mother?”
“She’s dead,” Clare answered. “Four years now. I’m glad she isn’t here now. It would break her heart to see me like this.”
“The baby you’re carrying . . . will your father ...”
“I’m very weary now, m’lady. I would like to rest.”
Johanna stared at Clare a long while. The MacKay woman closed her eyes. She was feigning sleep.
“Clare, you can’t keep this up much longer,” Johanna said. “You’re going to have to talk about what happened.”
“I’m in pain, Johanna. Have you no mercy?”
Johanna nodded. “I know you ache.”
“Then please . . .”
“Clare,” Johanna interrupted. “My husband is most anxious for you to tell him who the MacBain soldier—”
“I will not name the man.”
Clare burst into tears. Johanna reached out to take hold of her hand.
“It’s going to be all right,” she whispered. “You don’t have to be afraid.”
“You told me you felt trapped, and I felt the same way. I couldn’t marry the bastard. I couldn’t. I did something I wish now . . .”
“Yes?”
Clare shook her head. “It doesn’t matter,” she whispered. “I’ll be found out soon enough. Please let me rest now. I’m not strong enough to talk about what happened.”
Johanna gave in. Glynis pounded on the door and then walked inside. She carried a brush and her scissors in her hand.
“I’m ready to see what I can do,” she announced. Johanna stood up. “Clare isn’t up to having her hair fussed over.”
“Do you mean all the trouble I went to searching out these scissors was for nothing, m’lady?”
“Actually no, Glynis. I could do with your services. I’ve been wanting to cut my hair for quite some time. Come along to my bedroom and you can use your scissors on me.”
Glynis perked up. Her errand hadn’t been in vain after all. She and Johanna got into an argument about the length to be trimmed, however. Glynis didn’t want to cut so much away, but her mistress was emphatic.
Johanna’s hair barely reached her shoulders when Glynis was finished.
“I’ll admit you look fetching, m’lady.”
“I didn’t realize it would be so curly.”
“The weight kept the curls out,” Glynis explained.
“The weight gave me a fair-sized headache every day,” Johanna added. “Thank you so much, Glynis.” She threaded her fingers through her hair and laughed. “I’m not so certain how it looks, but it feels wonderful.”
“Will the MacBain throw a fit when he sees what I’ve done?”
Johanna could tell from Glynis’s smile she was jesting with her question.
“I doubt he’ll even notice.”
“He’ll notice, all right. He notices everything about you. We all smile over the way he stares at you. He holds affection for you, m’lady.”
“I pray he’ll continue to feel affection for me tonight. He’s sure to become irritated when I join him at the dinner table. ’Tis the truth everyone’s going to be rattled by the surprise I’ve decided upon.”
Glynis’s curiosity was captured, of course. “What do you have planned?”
“I can’t tell you,” Johanna replied. “You’ll have to wait and see.”
Glynis nagged her mistress for several more minutes before giving up. “Will you be going downstairs? I’ll take hold of your arm and make certain you don’t fall on the steps.”
“I’m going to stay here,” she replied. “Would you mind if I borrowed your scissors? I’ll return them to you this evening.”
“Keep them here,” Glynis said. “When Clare’s wanting her hair trimmed, I’ll know where to look. Good day to you, m’lady.”
Glynis was just reaching for the door latch when Johanna stopped her with a question.”
“Do all women have the same symptoms when they’re carrying?”
Glynis turned around. “Most do,” she answered. “Why do you ask?”
“I was just wondering,” Johanna answered. “When does a woman start showing?”
“Depends,” Glynis replied. “Some show by the fourth month, others wait another month for their middles to fatten. You should be starting to lose your waist,” she added. “Are you?”
“I am,” Johanna said.
She thanked Glynis again. As soon as the door closed behind the woman, Johanna began work on her surprise. She spread the MacBain plaid lengthwise over the bed and cut it down the middle. She made the same long cut in the Maclaurin plaid. Then she sat down on the bed with the two halves and sewed them together. When she was finished, it was impossible to tell where the MacBain plaid ended and the Maclaurin plaid began.
Keith would probably have to take to his bed for a week when he saw what she’d done. Johanna knew she was going to cause an uproar. She didn’t care. It was high time everyone put his differences aside and joined together to form one clan under Gabriel’s leadership.
She probably should tell her husband what she was going to do. Johanna folded the leftover strips and put them under the bed. She hid the new plaid she’d sewn together there, too. She wouldn’t put the garment on until dinner.
She was yawning by the time she’d completed her task. She needed a nap. She took off her plaid, draped it over the chair with her belt, and then stretched out on the bed. She would only rest a minute or two.
Johanna fell asleep thinking about Clare MacKay. The woman had started to tell her something she’d done, then changed her mind. She’d looked terribly frightened.
She was certainly a puzzle. What had she meant when she’d said in time she would be found out?
Johanna slept for three hours. She opened her eyes and found Alex sound asleep beside her. Her son was drooling all over her arm. He was obviously a sound sleeper, a trait she hoped his little brother or sister would share.
She slowly sat up so she wouldn’t disturb Alex and almost burst into laughter when she spotted Dumfries sound asleep at the foot of the bed.
She couldn’t order the dog down without waking Alex. She scooted out of bed, washed, and then got dressed in the MacBain plaid again. Waves of nausea made the simple task seem to take forever. Johanna had to sit down several times to wait until the sickness passed.
Gabriel opened the door just as she was tightening her belt around her waist. He saw that his son was still sleeping and motioned with the crook of his finger for Johanna to join him in the hall.
He was staring at her hair, or so she believed, and frowning with obvious displeasure.
He would eventually get over his irritation, she decided. She hurried across the chamber, a smile on her face, and went out into the corridor. Gabriel pulled the door closed and turned to her.
“You’re too damned pale,” he muttered.
“And that is why you’re frowning, m’lord?”
He nodded. She pinched her cheeks to gain some color. “Have you perchance noticed anything else?”
“Clare’s father was spotted coming up the ridge.”
She forgot all about trying to gain a compliment over her haircut when Gabriel gave her his news.
“I want you and Alex to stay inside our chamber until Laird MacKay and his men have left.”
“How many soldiers ride with the laird?”
He shrugged. “Enough,” he answered.
Gabriel was just turning away when she shook her head at him. “I wish to speak to Clare’s father,” she announced.
“He won’t be in the mood to be polite, Johanna. Do as I order.”
“The laird’s angry with the Maclnnes clan, not us,” she reminded him.
“Nay,” he said. “His fury is fully directed on all the MacBains. He blames us for his daughter’s disgrace.”
Johanna’s complexion underwent a radical change. She wasn’t pale now. In the space of a heartbeat, her face had turned red with anger.
She didn’t ask her husband how he’d gained his information. If he said the Laird MacKay blamed them, then it must be true. Gabriel wasn’t one to jump to conclusions without first gaining all the facts.
“Who is sitting with Clare now?”
“Hilda,” he answered. “Go back inside,” he ordered. “I don’t want any of the MacKay’s anger near you.”
She didn’t agree or disagree with her husband’s command. He assumed she was going to be cooperative. She did go back inside her chamber, but only for a minute or two, until she was certain her husband had gone back downstairs to wait for Clare’s father. Then she hurried down the hallway to Clare’s room. She sent Hilda to sit with Alex.
“Your father’s going to be here in just a few minutes, Clare. Do you want to see him alone, or do you want me to stay with you?”
Clare struggled to sit up in bed. She let out a little whimper of distress. Johanna wasn’t certain if the movement caused her pain or if the announcement was the reason. The fear on Clare’s face was aching to see.
“Please stay,” she said.
Johanna straightened the blankets around the bed, more to cover her own nervousness than to make Clare comfortable.
“I don’t know what to say to him.”
“Just tell him what happened,” Johanna advised.
Tears gathered in Clare’s eyes. “I can’t,” she cried out.
The truth hit Johanna all at once. It was a blessing she was standing next to the chair. She was able to sit down before she fell.
“You don’t understand, Johanna.”
“Oh, Lord, I think I do understand. You made it all up, didn’t you? There wasn’t any MacBain . . . you aren’t carrying . . .”
Clare started crying. She shook her head, trying to deny Johanna’s accusation. The fear in her eyes made a mockery of her attempt to cling to her lie, however.
“You’re wrong,” she protested.
“Am I?” Johanna asked. “Every time one of us tried to ask you questions, you feigned weariness.”
Clare didn’t give Johanna time to continue. “I was weary,” she defended.
Johanna could feel Clare’s panic. She wanted to comfort her. She didn’t, though. Instead she tried to be heartless to her pain, for she was determined to get to the truth. Only then could she help Clare.
“You gave yourself away, you know.”
“I didn’t.”
“You told me you felt trapped and that you did something you knew would eventually be found out. Pretending to be carrying a baby would eventually be found out, wouldn’t it? Didn’t you realize people would notice you weren’t getting bigger?”
Clare was openly sobbing now. “I didn’t think at all,” she confessed.
Johanna slowly leaned back in her chair. “What in heaven’s name are we going to do about this mess?”
“We? I’m the one who will suffer the consequences when my father finds out I lied.”
“Why did you make up such a tale?”
“I was desperate,” Clare admitted. “Can’t you understand? It was so horrible living there. Each day got worse.”
“I do understand,” Johanna said. “But . . .”
Clare interrupted. She was anxious to explain her reasons so Johanna wouldn’t condemn her.
“Father placed me in the Maclnnes household for training. I was supposed to marry the laird’s son in six months’ time. It didn’t take me long to realize how terrible they all were. Did you know the laird has two older daughters? They were born before his precious son,” she added in a rush. “One of the servants told me that each time the laird was given the news his wife had delivered him a daughter, he went up to the birthing chamber and beat the poor woman. She died after giving him a son. She probably welcomed death. I know I would have if I were married to such a monster.”
“And his son is just like his father, isn’t he?” Johanna already knew the answer to her question. She had vivid memories of the laird’s son standing over Clare with his hands formed into fists at his sides.
“He’s worse than his father,” Clare said. Her voice reeked with disgust. “I couldn’t abide the thought of being married to him. I tried to talk to my father, but he wouldn’t listen to me. I had run back home, you see, but . . .
Clare couldn’t go on for several minutes. Her sobs were wrenching. Johanna found it extremely difficult to maintain her own composure. Not only had Clare been placed in the hands of a monster, she’d also been betrayed by her father. It was unthinkable to Johanna, for her own father would have killed Raulf had the dear older man been alive and known the anguish his daughter suffered.
“Your father took you back to the Maclnnes clan, didn’t he, Clare?”
“Yes,” she whispered. “I don’t believe I’ve ever felt so abandoned . . . or . . . desperate. A few days later, I heard the Maclnnes soldiers talking. They’d spotted warriors wearing the MacBain plaid crossing their border.”
“And that is when you came up with the lie?”
Clare shook her head. “The soldiers didn’t realize I was listening to them. When they whispered your husband’s name, I could hear the fear in their voices. I decided then that I would go searching for these soldiers. I don’t know what I thought would happen if I found them. I didn’t have a plan, Johanna. I just wanted someone to help me.”
“Yes,” Johanna agreed, her voice a soothing whisper. She handed Clare a linen cloth to wipe her face, then took hold of her hand. “I would have done the same thing.”
“You would?”
“Yes.”
The conviction in her voice assured Clare. Johanna felt a strong bond with the woman. They were united now, for their memories of nightmares past joined them together against the atrocities forced on women by a few bullying, frightened men.
“I had already been beaten once for insolence,” Clare said. “And I knew it would happen again and again. I never found the MacBain soldiers; and by the time I gave up my search, it was getting dark. I stayed in an abandoned cropper’s cottage all night. Dear God, I was afraid. I was terrified of going back to the Maclnnes keep and terrified not to,” she added. “They found me the next morning.” Clare was holding onto Johanna’s hand with such a strong grip, she was bruising the skin.
“You felt helpless, didn’t you?”
“Oh, yes,” Clare answered. “I still hadn’t thought up the lie though. Three months went by, and then one morning the laird announced he’d decided to move up the marriage date. Robert and I were to be wed the following Saturday.”
Clare’s voice was hoarse from strain and weeping. Johanna was going to get up to fetch her a drink of water, but Clare wouldn’t let go of her hand.
“My lie wasn’t planned ahead of time,” she said. “I gathered my courage and stood up to Robert. I told him I would never marry him. He went into a rage. He’s a possessive man, and jealous. I knew he wouldn’t want me if he believed I had willingly given myself to another man. I remembered the MacBain soldiers who had crossed the border, remembered, too, the MacInnes’ soldiers fear of your laird, and that is when I came up with the lie. I knew what I did was wrong and I’m sorry I lied to you. You have been so kind to me, Johanna. Hilda told me what you did to Robert. I wish your arrow had pierced his black heart. Dear God, how I hate him. I hate all men, even my father.”
“You have sound reason to despise Robert,” Johanna said. “In time you’ll get past your hatred. You might even begin to pity the man.”
“I’m not so forgiving.”
“Clare, I know you aren’t in the mood to listen to me, but I still must instruct you not to blame the majority of men for the sins of a few.”
“Didn’t you hate your first husband?”
Johanna sighed. “Yes,” she admitted. “But I didn’t hate all men. My father, if he’d been alive, would have protected me from Raulf. I would have found sanctuary with him. My brother, Nicholas, came to my rescue once he became aware of what was going on.”
“Once he became aware? Didn’t you tell him after the first beating?”
“It’s difficult to explain, Clare,” Johanna replied. “Raulf wasn’t like Robert, and I was much, much younger then. The beatings didn’t start right after we were wed. He set about destroying my confidence first. I was naive, and frightened, too, and when you are called ignorant and unworthy over and over again by someone who is supposed to love and protect you, well, in time a part of you will begin to believe some of the nonsense. I didn’t tell my brother because I was too ashamed. I kept thinking I would make it better. I never believed I deserved such foul treatment, and eventually I came to realize Raulf was never going to change. That is when I knew I had to find a way to leave. I would have gone to Nicholas, but as it turned out, it wasn’t necessary. My husband was killed.”
Johanna paused to take a calming breath. “You wouldn’t hate Nicholas if you knew him. He’s the reason I married Gabriel,” she added. “And you cannot hate my husband.’Tis the truth I can’t imagine how anyone could.”
“I don’t hate him,” Clare said. “He has been protecting me, and I am appreciative. He does frighten me though. You obviously do not notice what a giant of a man he is, m’lady, or that his manner is most . . . abrupt.”
“He can be overwhelming, but only if you let him,” Johanna replied, a smile in her voice now. “Clare, you showed incredible courage standing up to Robert. You must have known what would happen. You almost got yourself killed.”
“My game is over, isn’t it? I’ll tell my father the truth. I promise.”
“Will he make you go back to Maclnnes?”
“I don’t know,” Clare said. “He wants the alliance.”
Johanna felt sick. The thought of the woman being forced back into Robert’s grasp was simply too appalling to think about. Only one thing was certain in her mind. She wasn’t going to let that happen.
“Don’t tell your father the truth just yet,” she said. “I must think about this. I cannot allow you to go back. No, I can’t let that happen. We will have to put our heads together and come up with a solution.”
“Why do you care, m’lady? You put yourself in jeopardy by keeping me. Your compassion will get you into trouble. My father ...”
Johanna wouldn’t let her finish her protest. “Clare, I believe you’ve already conquered the most difficult challenge.”
“And what was that, Johanna?”
“You were in an untenable position, and you took the most important first step. I wouldn’t have chosen your road to freedom, but that doesn’t matter now. You got out. Don’t you understand? You cannot consider going backward now.”
“What happens when my father’s soldiers war against the MacBains because of my lie?”
Johanna shook her head. “We will find a way to avert a conflict,” she announced.
“How?”
“I don’t know . . . not yet, but you and I are clever. We can find a way to straighten out this mess.”
“But why would you put your clan in such a position?”
“I don’t believe one must be sacrificed for the other,” Johanna said. “I do believe that every woman has a responsibility to look out for the other. When one is in bondage or suffering, then aren’t all of us?”
Johanna knew she wasn’t making any sense. It was difficult for her to put her feelings into a coherent explanation. “Women are looked down upon by some men. There are members of our church who consider us inferior. God doesn’t, though. Remember that one important truth, Clare. It took me a long while to understand. Men make the rules, not women. They tell us they are interpreting God’s views, and we are supposed to be naive enough to believe them. We are not so inferior.” Her voice was filled with conviction now. “As women, we must try to stand together . . . like sisters, and when we see an injustice, we damned well should try to interfere. Together . . . if there are enough of us united, we can help. Attitudes can be changed.”
“And where do we start? With our sons?”
“We start by helping each other now,” Johanna explained. “Later, when we have sons and daughters, we teach them to love and honor one another. We are all made in God’s image, men and women alike.”
The sound of men coming down the hallway stopped the discussion. Clare surprised Johanna, for she didn’t look overly afraid. She let go of her hand, straightened her shoulders, and smoothed her covers.
The door was just opening when Clare whispered, “Together.”
Johanna nodded and then echoed the promise. “Together.”