Chapter Eighteen
Damien
I was so close to giving in that I’d almost bared my bond site for Rory to bite. I felt the strong urge to give myself over to him even though he said that I didn’t have to do it.
That shit was way too real for me.
When Rory’s knot started to go down, I realized that I had to go. If I stayed there with him, he’d probably talk me into marriage or something stupid like that. I’d belong to an Alpha, and who knew if he’d continue to be so kind and loving once he “had me”. If we bonded, death was the only way out.
Rory was finally able to pull out of me and he went to the bathroom. I heard the water running and he returned a short while later with a hot, wet washcloth. After cleaning me up, he went back to the bathroom to do the same for himself.
By the time he returned, I was in a full-on panic. That one little act of care and kindness was enough to push me over the edge. I somehow convinced myself that it was all an act, and that Rory would throw me away too. But not until after he’d played out all of his older man-younger man fantasies.
I convinced myself that Rory was Ian.
I jumped out of bed and got dressed. Rory looked taken aback, but he started to put his clothes on as well.
“What’s going on?” he finally asked as I turned toward the door.
“This has been fun, Rory, but I’ve got to go. I’ve got a life to get back to. I can’t live in this fantasy land with you forever.” There I went again about this great life I had to get back to but it wasn’t there. I could work from almost anywhere, and there was nobody who wasn’t on my payroll waiting to hear from me.
“What? Damien, don’t go like this. What did I do? Please tell me why you’re upset. I’m sure I can fix it.”
He looked so earnest that it nearly broke my heart, but that only made me want to run more. I couldn’t deal with someone being able to affect my emotions that way. That was how you got hurt.
“Everything is fine. I’ll call you next time I’m in town, or I can fly you out to Paris or Rome for a fuck. Okay?”
“Damien, what?”
“Stop acting stupid, Rory. I thought only Marines were jarheads. You know what I mean. It’s done. We’re done until the next time I need some more of that big cock of yours. I’ll call you; don’t call me.”
And then I ran out the door like a coward. Rory followed me out into the hall and asked me to stop. He even went as far as following me outside, saying something about at least letting him call me a cab so I wasn’t out walking at night.
Fucking Rory. There I was running out on him after insulting him, and all he cared about was my safety. I was the worst.
I walked for a few blocks until I found an open coffee house. When I went inside, I stood back from the counter, studying the menu and texting Basil to see if she could come get me. I could have called my driver, but I needed Basil. It’s true that she was my assistant, and therefore an employee, but she was the closest thing I had to a friend.
“Yeah, I’m in town. I figured I’d schedule a meeting with you tomorrow to update you on some business stuff, but I figure crawling out of bed in the middle of the night to come pick you up after a failed booty call is just as good.”
“Thanks, Basil,” I said. I didn’t have it in me to argue or make excuses. She was right. I was being an asshole to her too but I hoped she would forgive me.
I sat at a table by the window, nursing a cappuccino and staring out at the few cars passing by until a black sedan pulled up. Basil stepped out of what must have been a rental and waved to me. I left a tip under my used coffee cup and headed out the door.
As soon as I was in the passenger seat with the door closed, I began to bawl like a baby. “Why can’t I just let myself have something good? Why do I ruin everything?” I said through snot and a cascade of salty tears.
“Because beating yourself up for existing is your favorite pastime,” Basil said and patted my knee. “It’s why you drink so much and act like such an asshole, but the people who care about you can see through it.”
I wished that were true. Maybe then I would have had a chance at redeeming myself with Rory, but I knew in my heart that I’d blown it completely with the one man who made me feel complete.
“Can we stop at a liquor store?” I asked.
“No,” Basil said. “You’re better off not drowning this one in alcohol, trust me. You’ll never come back if you do.”
Maybe that’s what I wanted.