Chapter Five
I snuck glances at Billy out of the corner of my eye. After we’d both recovered from our embarrassment at the blatant display of emotion, we fell into somewhat comfortable conversation. But the hours were slipping away like sand through my fingertips and I wanted to somehow slow the world.
My phone buzzed on the arm of the couch. A message from Seth lit up the screen.
How’s it going? Is he still there? Have you had dinner?
No dinner… Should I ask him? I replied.
“Am I bugging you?” Billy asked, looking at me with a frankness that I was beginning to recognize.
“What? No, of course not.” I held my phone up. “That was just Seth. He was wondering if we’d had dinner.”
“Oh.” Billy’s forehead creased. “I am kind of hungry.”
“Would you…? Would you like to stay for dinner?”
“Can I?”
I smiled, more delighted than he would ever know. “I would love for you to stay.”
“Will he be there?” Billy nodded at my phone.
“Seth? Um, I don’t know.”
“It’s his house too, right? Shouldn’t he be allowed to be here?”
“I guess you’re right. Are you okay with that? I mean, we’re just getting to know each other. I don’t want you to feel like so much is happening all at once.”
Billy looked down and picked at the hem of his T-shirt. “I’ve thought a lot about this. For a while. I never expected it to be just you.”
“Okay,” I said quietly. “Then how about I ask him to bring Chinese food?”
“I like Chinese.”
“Okay then.”
“Okay.”
Seth arrived home about forty minutes later, with three brown bags full of Chinese food. At my expression, he shrugged and mouthed the word panicked.
He had panicked while ordering. Which told me that he had taken Billy into consideration and had worried about ordering something he didn’t like, or not getting the right thing.
I rose up onto my tiptoes and pressed a light kiss to his cheek. “Thank you,” I whispered.
Seth carried the bags into the living room and set them on the coffee table.
Billy’s eyes widened at the amount of food and he glanced between me and Seth.
“I think Seth is super hungry.”
Billy snorted a laugh.
“Well, dig in, guys,” I said. I knelt on the floor and started opening containers.
For a while we all ate in silence. Billy and Seth observed each other with quiet curiosity. I could practically see the questions forming behind their eyes, but neither seemed able to bring themselves to ask.
Yet.
Seth wasn’t known for his impulse control.
Seth touched his foot to mine. “You should see the back yard. It looks like America barfed all over it.”
At Billy’s frown, I said, “Seth’s brother’s family is throwing a Fourth of July party tomorrow. It’s the first year they’ve hosted, and I think they’ve gone overboard.”
Billy smiled and nodded. “Do they have as big a house as you?”
Seth smothered a laugh and tried to pass it off as a cough. “Blake, my brother, built his own house. And it’s a monster.”
“What are your plans for tomorrow?” I asked Billy. “I bet Henderson has a cool parade and stuff, right?”
Billy lifted one shoulder in a shrug and focused on the food in front of him. “My parents have to work tomorrow. I’m stuck with the neighbor. She doesn’t let me off her front porch.”
“That’s too bad, kid,” Seth murmured.
“Maybe… I could go to your party?” Billy asked, peeking up at me.
I opened my mouth, but no words would come.
“I think that’s really a question for your parents,” Seth said, rescuing me.
“I guess.” Billy sighed. He sat up straighter then, and flicked his gaze between us. “Um, do you want me to go? Have I been here too long?”
“No, no,” I said in a rush. “But, Billy, I think we should all be really careful here. You are welcome in this house for as long as you want to be in it. But you have to remember that just because you’ve been planning on coming here for a while, your parents haven’t. This will be super tough for them. We have to think about them too, okay?”
He nodded. “But, if they say yes, then I can, right?”
I looked at Seth. “Of course you can.”
A grin stretched across Billy’s face. “I’m going to call them right now.” He picked up the cordless phone and padded down the hall, out of sight.
I reached for Seth’s hand, needing his weight and comfort to ground me here. “Please tell me you’re cool with this.”
Seth leaned over and kissed my forehead. “I’m way more than cool with this.”
My heart tumbled over itself and I wanted to sink into his arms, have him still my racing mind and help me sort through the cascade of thoughts swirling around up there. “You’re amazing, you know that?”
“Yeah.”
A laugh bubbled in my throat. “Narcissist.”
He chuckled. “Whatever. You love me.”
“Yeah, you’re lucky that I do.”
Billy reentered the room, holding the phone out to me. “She wants to talk to you again.”
I took the phone from him and went into the kitchen.
“Hi,” I said.
“How’s it going over there?” Mrs. Rossi asked.
“Um, well, I think. We’re having dinner right now.”
“So, Billy has asked if he can go to a Fourth of July party with you tomorrow?”
“Yeah, it’s at my brother-in-law’s house, and it will be family and a few friends. But I want you to know that I don’t want to force anything here. I don’t want to put you on the spot or—”
“Cassidy,” Mrs. Rossi said softly. “I’m thrilled he wants to spend time with you. This is all… It’s happening very fast. But if this is too much, too quickly for you… Just tell me and I can rein him in a little.”
“I’m happy to take him to the party, and he is more than welcome here for as long as you’re all comfortable with.”
“I think it’s good for the two of you to spend time together. And I know it’s all so new and exciting… I just want him to be happy, Cassidy.” Mrs. Rossi cleared her throat.
I couldn’t imagine how hard, how painful this must be for her. She was Billy’s mother. She had been there for every single day of his life. Kissed scraped knees and wiped away tears. Had stayed up through sleepless nights with a newborn, rocked him when he was sick, cheered him on at his soccer games. She had been there, every single day.
And now here I was…stomping all over their lives.
Was it wrong of me to crave time with him? Did it make me a huge hypocrite? Because how could someone give up their infant, only to want them around later in life?
I pressed a hand to my forehead and the room spun. “Me, too.”
“Then you and I will be fine. We will all be fine. Okay?”
I felt fifteen years old again. Mrs. Rossi had gone to every doctor’s appointment, every sonogram, held my hand every time I’d needed a blood test. Rooted for me during the most agonizing pain I had ever felt in my entire life. More than that, she’d made sure it was what I wanted. That I’d understood what giving up a child meant.
And had promised the doors would always be open for contact and communication.
Here we were, twelve years later, and the doors were blown wide open.
“Thank you,” I whispered.
In the end, it was decided that Billy could spend the night if he wanted. Then we would go to the party the next afternoon and watch the firework show before Seth and I would take Billy home to Henderson.
Billy jumped at the chance to spend the night, barely letting me get the words out before he accepted.
* * * *
I hovered in the doorway of the guest room. Billy wandered around, stopping at the nightstand and picking up the remote.
“You can watch TV if you want. I know it’s weird being in a strange house. If you can’t sleep you can watch TV. If you want. And you know where the kitchen is, so just help yourself. To anything.”
Billy nodded.
“Is everything okay?” I asked, stepping inside. The excitement seemed to have vanished, and in place was a quiet, uncertain boy. “I can drive you home if you want. There’s no pressure here.”
He shook his head. “No, it’s not that. I just…I still have questions.”
“I think you’ll have questions for years. But you know I can’t give you answers unless you ask, right?”
“Can I…? Can I ask about my dad?” Billy fidgeted with his hands.
“You can ask me anything.” I gestured to the bed and Billy and I sat side by side. “But there isn’t really much I can tell you.”
“Do you still see him?”
I shook my head. “I haven’t seen him since I was fifteen. When I found out I was pregnant, Zack—your biological father—didn’t… Well, he knew he wasn’t ready to be a dad. He finished the school year and never came back. I heard he transferred out of state.”
“Has he ever called you?”
“No,” I answered softly. “Billy… I can’t tell you not to reach out to him. I have no idea who he is now, where he is. He could be a totally different person than he was twelve years ago.”
Billy was quiet for a few moments. “What do you think he’s like?”
“I really can’t answer that.”
“Are you mad at him? For what happened?”
“I used to be.”
“But not anymore?”
“I find it hard to be mad at children forced to make an adult decision,” I said eventually. “Zack and I were so young. He was older than me…but still too young. And, like I said, he could be a different person now.”
“If I wanted to see him, would you go with me?”
“I’m not sure if that’s a good idea.” I folded my hands together. “His feelings toward me could get muddled with his feelings toward you. If you decide to look him up, I think coming at him from a neutral vantage point would be better.”
Billy released a soft laugh. “You think really weird.”
“That’s what Seth tells me. A lot,” I drawled.
“Seth—does he mind me being here?”
I smiled at him. “Seth is really happy you’re here.”
“How can you be sure?”
“Because Seth tells it like it is. If he had a problem, anyone on a space station would know.”
He laughed again. “Okay.”
“Okay. Well, I guess I’ll leave you to it, then.”
Billy nodded.
I paused in the doorway, but Billy was already flicking through the TV channels. Man, kids are strong, resilient little things. One minute we’d been having a totally in-depth, heavy conversation, the next he was ready to watch a movie.
Weird.
And kind of cool.
I’d kill to have that kind of compartmentalization.
Seth was resting against the counter in the kitchen when I found him. I walked to him, and he wrapped his strong arms around my shoulders and pulled me into the comforting heat of his body.
“Where’s your head at?” he murmured.
I snorted. “Hell if I know. I think my head took off a while ago. Is this really happening right now?”
“Yes,” he said simply.
“I’m still stunned. Like someone hit me with a Taser on full power. Several times.”
Seth chuckled. “Let me get you a beer.”
“Man, a beer would be amazing right now.”
He pulled away from me and headed to the fridge. He took out two bottles of beer.
As Seth handed me mine, I paused. “Wait a minute, is this okay? Isn’t drinking when you’re responsible for a kid, like, illegal or something?”
Seth lifted a single eyebrow. “Babe, it’s one beer. You’re not going on a mad bender.”
“Right. You’re right.” I took the beer. “Plus, parents have beers all the time. They need to, right? To de-stress after a hard day of parenting? Jesus Christ…I’ve spent the day parenting. Haven’t I? Or have I been his friend?” I let out a mildly hysterical laugh.
“Drink your beer, Cass,” Seth said, an amused smile pulling at his lips. “And we’ll talk.”
I let him lead me down the hall to the living room, where we stretched out on that huge, comfy couch. And all the words just fell out of me. Everything Billy had asked me. Everything that had been racing through my head all day. I held nothing back. Seth didn’t have to push for any details—I offered them freely.
When the words slowed, when everything had been said, all I could do was stare at him. “I have to ask, where’s your head?”
Seth rubbed a hand over his hair. “Honestly? I feel like I’m in limbo.”
“Limbo?”
He nodded. “Your kid showed up, Cass. Your kid. That’s huge. And I don’t know where I fit.”
“What do you mean?” I asked with a frown.
“You guys have only just found each other. Watching the two of you together, it’s something seriously special. Something amazing is happening right now. I’m holding myself back, because I want to jump in with both feet and talk to him, ask him stuff, laugh with you both. But, right now, this is your time.”
“I don’t know what to say,” I said quietly.
Seth smiled and reached over to kiss my hand. “You don’t have to say anything. I’m not complaining. I’m just telling you what’s in my head.”
“Just so you know, it was Billy who said you should come back here when you texted me earlier.”
“Oh yeah?”
I nodded. “He gets that we’re a package deal. He knew it wasn’t just me here when he showed up.”
“Okay,” Seth said, looking a little relieved. “That’s good. Right?”
“That’s very good,” I agreed. “Don’t feel like an outsider, okay?”
“Okay.”
I blew out a breath and dropped my head against the back of the couch. “Wow, today took a one-eighty, didn’t it?”
Seth laughed. “You’re telling me. This morning feels like a thousand years ago. We were having breakfast, getting ready for the Tasmanian devil to show up…”
I turned my head to look at him. “Talking about kids.”
He nodded.
“Weird timing, huh?”
“Or the universe’s way of forcing us to deal with the issue.” He cringed. “Not that it’s an issue.”
“It’s not an issue,” I assured him. “Can I…can I tell you where my head was this morning?”
“Of course you can. Never, ever think that you can’t.”
My belly tumbled. The thoughts that had plagued me for years were now about to be given voice. “I want kids with you, Seth. Like, a whole bunch. But I don’t know if I can bring myself to do it. And the reason why is asleep in our guest room.”
Seth didn’t say anything. He simply looked at me with an open, encouraging expression.
“How can I even consider having children, when I abandoned the first one I had? It would make me the world’s biggest hypocrite. A total asshole. It has always been in the back of my head that, were Billy to ever want to meet me, how on earth would it make him feel that I chose to have more children, when I hadn’t kept him?”
I hadn’t even realized I was crying until Seth bundled me up and placed me in his lap. He wiped away the tears streaming down my face and gripped my hip, pinning me to him.
“It wouldn’t make you an asshole. Or a hypocrite,” Seth said softly. “You made a choice when you were fifteen years old. You can’t change it, but you can own it. Yeah, it might take him a while to get it, to understand. But he will. Eventually he will.”
“You think so?”
“I can only guess, Cass. Nothing is ever certain.” He pressed a kiss to the top of my head. “But I meant what I said this morning—all I want is you. Everything else is a bonus.”
“I don’t know what I would do without you,” I whispered, burrowing my face into his chest.
“You never have to find out.”
“Promise?”
“Always.”