In a way, hearing Burns bare his soul like that was a relief to Karl. Well, I can’t sleep with him now, he thought. He’s too sad after telling me his story.

Stupid Pete and his stupid pitching a tent jokes! Karl couldn’t deny that at the back of his mind, he’d been thinking about just such an encounter with Burns. How could he avoid thinking about it? It seemed like every five seconds, Burns was naked before him, and the more he saw, the more he wanted.

Which was senseless self-torture. He couldn’t sleep with Burns. Nothing wrecked a friendship faster than sex.

He had to be honest—he needed the friendship. Burns was the level-headed one. The one who told him when he was launching into another speech without realizing it. The one who got him to go out and do things, instead of sitting at home reading, getting angrier and angrier at the world.

When was the last time he’d been outside, without Burns? High school? Before Burns, he had been a pallid cave-creature, huddling in his room taking notes and bugging Simon about news stories. Now, without understanding how, he’d become the sort of person who goes camping with a friend, who sleeps under the stars, who curls up for warmth in his sleeping bag while listening to revelation after revelation.

How do you give that up? How do you risk it, just because the man next to you seems perfect?

The problem was, he had to say something. Burns had just laid it all out there, a life of struggle he had somehow managed to keep hidden from everyone.

Karl had to say something, and it had to be sensitive, and not joking, not insulting…and had to hide the feelings that were growing inside him. He couldn’t flirt, and he couldn’t make light of Burns’ history. Most of all, he couldn’t tell Burns that his story had proved Karl right, that people with bad beliefs caused harm, that nothing was more important than what you chose to believe in, nothing was more important than being morally, ethically, intellectually right—

You really don’t miss a chance to be a pompous ass, do you? Even when it’s just inside your own head.

“I never went through that,” he said, finally. “It’s so weird. I’ve heard so many stories about growing up being painful…but it’s different when your friends are like you…when your brother is like you. I don’t know that my folks ever gave it a second thought. We never sat down and had a talk about it or anything. Simon liked guys, and then I liked guys, and aside from the occasional When are you going to provide us with grandkids, nobody says a word about it.”

Burns rustled inside his sleeping bag. “I’m jealous.”

His voice sounded different. Less emotional.

He’s putting his walls back up. He exposed his pain, and now he’s going to protect himself again. Thank god…if he does that, then I don’t have to worry about lying here thinking about him, thinking about what it would be like if I had the nerve to move over there and kiss him…

“I know it doesn’t do any good to say it now,” Karl said, “but you could have told me any time, and I would’ve accepted it. I wish you had. You need someone on your side, someone who believes it’s okay—that you’re okay. There’s nothing damaged about you.”

“I always hated shit like that,” said Burns. “People talking about damage, about trauma. You know, treating everybody like victims. Shit happens, and you get on with your life.”

Tough talk to cover the pain. Interesting.

Sort of the way I’m being all objective and friendly instead of telling him how I feel.

They were both in hiding.

“I think you’re looking at it the wrong way,” he said.

“What,” said Burns, “I should wallow around in self-pity? Fuck that.”

“Isn’t that kind of what you’re doing? Isn’t that why you’re getting drunk, why you’re so freaked out these past few days?”

“Dude, that’s not self-pity, that’s self-preservation.”

“I mean, you’re acting like a victim. You’re not taking charge of your life. What’s the worst that could happen, if it came out that you were gay?”

“Dude.”

“No, I’m serious. Worst-case scenario. You’re college-educated, likable—”

“Likable?”

“You’re not horribly disfigured—”

“Hey!”

“So, what? Your parents kick you out? You’re not invited to any more of Reverend Ron’s soirees?”

“You don’t understand,” said Burns.

“I must not.”

“You say it like it’s nothing. What would you do if you suddenly could never see your parents again?”

“Probably dye my hair blue. If I tried that now, my mom would—”

Burns’ sigh was violent, and he rustled in the darkness like he was trying to get as far as possible from Karl.

Oh. There you go. You don’t have to worry about being attracted to him now, you’ve offended the fuck out of him.

Why would Burns care? His family was obviously nothing but a bunch of bigots. Seems like he’d love to detach himself from that nightmare.

Karl shifted around in his sleeping bag, trying to get comfortable. The ground was hard underneath him. It was cold. The night was too dark. There were crickets. He lay there, frozen and silent, for what felt like hours, days, years.

“For christ’s sake, Burns.”

“I don’t want to talk.”

“I didn’t mean anything.”

“That’s not true,” Burns said.

“I was joking.”

“You weren’t.”

“Do you want me to apologize?” asked Karl.

He heard Burns turn back around. “I don’t want you to apologize. I want you to admit that you don’t understand. For once in your life, admit that your opinions might not be gospel truth. I love my family, and this shit is hard, and you’re not going to boil it all down to make a fucking political point.”

But I’m right, and you know I am!

“Maybe you’re right,” Karl said.

“It doesn’t matter if what they believe is wrong. The fact that they believe it means that if I tell them I’m gay, it’ll hurt them. Why don’t you understand that?”

Because it’s bullshit and if they loved you they’d realize they were the ones hurting you.

“Okay,” said Karl. “Maybe I don’t understand.”

“The problem with you is, you think you have all the answers. With your books and your theories and shit, you act like you know everything. But you don’t. You’re in a happy little bubble where nothing ever goes wrong, so you never have to step back and think.”

It wasn’t until he felt Burns moving past him that he realized his friend was out of the sleeping bag. Burns unzipped the tent and got out. “Damn it, Karl.”

Now he’d done it. He’d caused a rift with his best friend. At least if he’d slept with Burns, he could’ve gotten something fun out of the destruction of the friendship.

The zipper of his sleeping bag got stuck halfway down, forcing him into an undignified crawl to get out, then his foot got stuck in the mosquito netting, and he had to shake it to get free.

When he finally stood, he realized he couldn’t see Burns at all, even with the moon out. The silvery light seemed to taunt him, suggesting shapes without reality. Like walking in a dream.

“I’m sorry,” he said into the darkness.

“Whatever,” said one of the shadows in the trees. Karl turned in that direction, took hesitant steps, the cold making each rock on the ground feel sharper against his bare feet.

“I don’t know what the rules are,” he said. “No one has ever come out to me before.”

“Fuck it,” said the shadow. “Pretend it didn’t happen.”

He was nearly to the trees now. He could hear his heartbeat in his ears. Why wouldn’t Burns stand where he could see him? Why was he hidden away?

“So you can go back to being miserable?” asked Karl.

“I’m not going to be miserable. I’ll be me. Good, normal me.”

Karl extended a hand and touched the bark of a tree. It steadied him. “You’ll look great on the outside. Is that what you want? Good on the outside, dead on the inside?”

A harsh laugh, only yards away. “Whitewashed tombs,” said the darkness.

“What? Stand still, I can’t find you.”

“I thought this was going to go a lot differently,” said the shadows, quieter now.

As Karl drew closer, he could just barely make out the outline of Burns, his back to a tree, staring up at the sky.

“I fucked up,” said Karl.

Burns shook his head. “I did. I wasn’t ready to talk about it. Maybe I’ll never be ready.”

“I’m glad you told me.”

“Forget it. Seriously. I don’t need you nagging me about coming out until the day I die.”

So this was how it was going to be between them now. This strain, this silence. Always worried he’d say something to offend Burns.

The way he was worried he’d offend everyone else in the world. The way a thought would pop into his head, and he’d say it, and only realize afterward that someone had been hurt by it.

“I’ll go back to the tent,” said Karl. “Tomorrow, we’ll go home. You won’t have to talk to me anymore.”

Burns snickered. “Great. This whole time I’ve been scared of telling you. Afraid I’d lose my best friend. Sure enough, it happened. Won’t have to talk to you anymore?”

At last, he was by Burns’ side. The guilt was almost too much to bear. How had he single-handedly destroyed the friendship? Why couldn’t he keep his mouth shut?

It’s not fair.

“It’s not fair,” he said. “I saved your fucking life. You’re my best friend, and now shit has to be awkward just because we have one more thing in common? We have to have a fucking fight because suddenly everything I say hurts you?”

“You didn’t fucking hurt me,” said Burns.

“Bullshit. You talk about not wanting to be a victim, then man the fuck up. You don’t want to tell the world? Fine. Keep your fucking secret. But you’re not going to treat me like the goddamn enemy just because I’m the one person on earth who knows the real you.”

“You don’t know the real me!”

“Then who the fuck have I been talking to all this time? Who do I think about every fucking day, if not him? Who is the real Burns? Let me see him!”

It was so dark that the only warning was the sound of rushing air. In that primal part of Karl’s brain, the reptile-part that was all speed and instinct, he had just time enough to wonder is he throwing a punch? He felt Burns’ fists at his chest, and tensed for the blow.

By the time he realized Burns had dug his hands into his shirt, he was already being pulled forward, until their bodies were together. Somehow in the pitch-black, Burns found Karl’s lips with his own.

Everything melts if you get it hot enough, and Karl’s temper had been firing his heart this whole time. In Burns’ grip, he felt himself weaken, giving himself up to the kiss.

No no no, this will wreck things, he thought, his mind protesting something his body could not resist. He kissed back, harder, pressing Burns against the tree, Burns making soft sounds of pleasure, or startlement, or both.

“We can’t do this,” said Burns, when their lips parted for a moment.

Karl’s hands were already sliding into his shirt, feeling the warm skin underneath. “We can’t,” he agreed, his lips brushing Burns’.

Burns’ hand was on the small of his back, pulling him closer. Now he could feel the growing hardness pressed against him, and it set off something inside him, knowing that he had caused Burns to get hard. He ground his hips against Burns, feeling their cocks touch through the fabric.

He reached down and squeezed Burns, surprised by the thickness his hand found. “I think I need a second,” he said, but couldn’t let go. “The friendship, Burns. We can’t wreck things. This always goes wrong.”

“Does it?” whispered Burns, his lips soft against Karl’s ear. “I’ve never done it before.”

“Oh shit, don’t do that to me,” said Karl, rubbing against Burns now, pressing his cock hard into Burns’ hip. “I don’t need the pressure of being your first time.”

“You gonna turn me down?” asked Burns in a hoarse whisper. He reached down and slid his hands into Karl’s pants. “It doesn’t feel like you want to turn me down.”

They barely made it to the tent. Shirts had been dropped somewhere in the darkness. Pants unbuttoned, the struggle to walk and undress each other at the same time nearly toppling them, hands and hips and thrusts guiding them.

Karl pressed Burns down onto a sleeping bag. He kissed Burns’ throat, his collarbone, tasted the cool salty sweat. He wanted to fuck his best friend. Rip his pants down, thrust up into him, and raw him until he screamed for mercy.

“I didn’t…plan for this,” he said, gasping as Burns pushed his jeans down over his hips.

“I know, it’s great,” said Burns.

“No, I mean…I don’t have anything. Condoms. Lube.”

“I don’t care,” said Burns, “we don’t need any—”

That made Karl laugh. He bent down and kissed Burns again. “Trust me. You haven’t done this before. You want me to use some lube.”

Burns kissed him back, writhing beneath him. “What if I do you instead? I don’t care.”

He gave Burns’ cock another squeeze. “That thing is not coming near my ass without being oiled down.”

“Then what do we do?”

“We still have hands,” said Karl. “And mouths. Allow me to demonstrate.”

He crept down Burns’ body, kissing every inch of it on the way. He wished for enough light to see by, to look at the broad chest he was kissing, the nipples that hardened beneath his tongue. He wanted to see these hard abs and ridged flanks that tensed and tightened the moment he touched them.

He wanted to see that cock.

It was hot against his hands and cheek. His fingers traced over it, traced the area around it. He realized, by touching the short hairs that preceded it, that Burns trimmed his pubes, and knowing this secret made him smile. Vain old thing, he thought.

When he put his hand around the base of Burns’ cock, his fingertips did not meet on the other side. Oh, for just a little light to see it.

“So you’ve never had a guy suck you off before?” he asked.

Burns groaned at his touch. “I’ve never had anybody do it.”

“Wait, seriously?”

His friend exhaled. “Total virgin.”

Karl’s tongue-tip traced the length of the cock. “Then I promise you, this is going to be the best you’ve ever had.”

The urge was to go at him full-force. Grab his cock, pump it, suck on it hard. Show him no mercy. But Burns’ balls were already drawing up, as though ready to deliver a load of cum at any moment, and they’d only just started. As much as Karl didn’t want to take it slow, he was going to have to.

He teased Burns with tongue and fingers, tasting him in the darkness, finding the warm flesh between cock and thigh, the saltiness of his skin.

Fingers fluttering over hips, the outline and curve of bone and thick muscle, exploring this body he had not been able to stop thinking about.

As much as Karl tried to think of the effect he was having on Burns, he couldn’t hide from the effect this was having on him. Not just his hard-on, raging for a touch. Not just his need to come inside his friend.

Something deeper than that, some completion he hadn’t even realized he was looking for, but that only made sense in this darkness. A longing that felt like hunger. He knew that tonight would not end that longing; it felt like this would only inflame it.

Burns gasped as Karl’s mouth found his slit, licking the precum off where it dripped. Karl took the head into his mouth, still surprised by the size of it, a pleasing surprise, one that drove him on.

When Burns bucked his hips, Karl accepted more of his cock, swallowing, sucking, trying to keep himself under control, but in the end, there was no way for him to hold back. He needed this as badly as Burns did. His hands went to work, caressing his friend’s balls, jacking the base of his shaft, even while his mouth sought to suck down the entire length.

He could feel Burns’ balls as they tightened still further, pressing hard against Burns’ pelvis.

“Oh god, Karl, god, I’m, I’m going to—”

That was all the warning Karl got. Then Burns shoved his hips upward, and Karl tasted the hot salt of his cum.

Karl didn’t swallow at once. He tasted it, letting it linger in his mouth, on his tongue, even as Burns delivered another shot, and then another, until his mouth was full to overflowing.

When he finally swallowed, he heard Burns lay his head back, panting, murmuring words that weren’t meant to be heard, the quiet speech of spent pleasure, and though Burns softened, Karl did not let him out of his mouth, keeping him there, not sucking, not urging anything to happen, just glad to have this closeness, wanting some way to show how much Burns meant to him.