Chapter 15
Hester drank her tea slowly, making a valiant attempt to keep something in her stomach. Though she was ravenous in the evenings, the afternoons found her still suffering from nausea. “I suggest swapping the ribbons, Your Grace,” she said to the Countess of Pennington. “Try the brown with the blue, and the green with the peach.”
Elspeth looked over her shoulder to where Hester sat on a settee in the countess’s boudoir. “Truly?”
The countess returned her attention to the material and ribbons laid out across her bed. She gestured for the modiste to do as advised, then nodded. “You’re right.”
Hester smiled. While she’d been slightly confused when Elspeth first began making persistent, yet friendly, overtures, she’d come to realize that the countess looked upon her in the capacity of a daughter. It was a role Jessica had filled, and Hester found herself enjoying the maternal companionship. She understood that Elspeth’s need was temporary, part of her re-acclimation to Society after years spent in the country. Hester envied her that idyllic life on the stunning Pennington estate.
“You should try the lemon scones,” Elspeth urged. “I vow you’ve never tasted the like. They melt in your mouth.”
“Thank you. I should like to. Another time, perhaps.”
The countess shook her head and came to her, settling on the settee opposite the one Hester occupied. “Have you tried ginger tea or broth, or both? Either will help to settle your stomach. And be moderate with greasy foods in the evening. Salted water crackers also help.”
There was a pause, and then Hester said softly, “Is it so obvious?”
“Only to an observant woman who has spent nearly every day of this last week with you.”
“Please, I must beg for your discretion.”
Elspeth’s dark eyes brightened at the hint of a secret. “You and Regmont are keeping the news to yourselves? Delightful.”
Hester hesitated, reluctant to share a confidence she’d held so close to her breast. “Regmont doesn’t yet know.”
“Oh . . . ? Whyever not?”
“I feel very unwell. I cannot help fearing that something is wrong. Regmont wouldn’t—He isn’t—” Hester set her cup and saucer down on the low table between them. “It would be better to wait and be certain that all is progressing as it should be.”
“My dear.” The countess reached for the tongs and moved a scone from the serving tray to a small plate. “You are squandering one of the few opportunities in a woman’s life when she can ask anything of her husband and receive it.”
“Regmont gives me too much as it is.” But not the one thing she most wished for—his peace of mind. “I also wanted to spare Jessica for a while longer.”
“She would be overjoyed on your behalf.”
“Yes.” Hester smoothed her skirts. “But she might grieve for herself, and she has enough to feel sorrowful about at the moment.”
“She will hurt more if you don’t tell her.”
“I wrote her shortly after she left. I think this is best. She won’t feel the need to put a brave face on if I’m not there when she learns the news. She can react in whatever manner is most comfortable for her, and when we see each other again, it will be with pure joy in her heart.”
Elspeth washed down a bite with a sip of tea. “You two are very close.”
Hester rubbed at the ache in her breast. “Yes. She is a sister and mother to me, as well as my dearest friend.”
“Jessica said your mother passed away when you were young.”
“I was ten, but in many ways my mother was lost to me before then. Her melancholia was debilitating. I most often saw her only in passing. She was a ghost to me—frail and wan and lacking any vibrancy whatsoever.”
“I’m sorry.” Elspeth offered a gentle, commiserating smile. “Motherhood is a gift. It is truly a shame Lady Hadley was unable to see it that way.”
“Jess would have made a wonderful mother. And Tarley, a wonderful father.”
“The same can be said about you and Regmont, I’m sure.”
Hester looked away from the countess, managing a shaky smile at the modiste’s assistants as they exited to the gallery with Elspeth’s selections.
“My dear,” Elspeth said, quietly commanding Hester’s attention. “Is it possible that you might be suffering from melancholia as well?”
“Oh, no. Truly, it’s just that I feel so wretched most of the day. And I confess, I worry about the match between Regmont and Michael tomorrow. I wish there was some way to dissuade them. Regmont takes such things so seriously.”
“You care about Michael.”
Hester felt a blush sweep over her cheeks. Over the past week, she’d found herself paying undue attention to Michael. She’d looked for him at events and around the city, hoping for a mere glimpse. The sharp prick of excitement she felt when she found him both exhilarated and saddened her. It was undeniable proof that her love for her husband had lost its ability to consume her. “He’s a good man.”
“Yes.” Elspeth set her cup down with a sigh. “I must be honest with you. I have more than one reason for cultivating our friendship. Though I’m deeply grateful for assistance with my attire, I have a need for another of your skills more.”
“If I can help in any way, I would be honored to.”
“I should like your expert opinion on the debutantes who might best suit Michael. Since you care for him as I do, I know you want to see him content in his marriage.”
“Of course.” Hester met the countess’s examining gaze directly, drawing upon years of Jessica’s coaching to hide her dismay. It was unreasonable for her to wish for him to remain as he’d always been.
Elspeth smiled beautifully. “Thank you. I hope to see him settled before the year is out.”
“That would be wonderful,” Hester agreed softly. “If we cannot manage sooner.”
A knock came at the door.
Jess smiled, knowing who it was just by the cadence. The door opened without any encouragement from her. Alistair swept into the limited confines of her cabin with absolute confidence of his welcome.
He was so comely, he took her breath away. He had changed since they’d been at sea, most especially over the past week in which they had been lovers. His beautiful blue eyes were brighter now, prone to amusement and warmth. There was a new softness to his features that, impossibly, made him even more handsome. And the way he moved . . . there was an underlying leisure to the sensuality that marked him. As if she soothed the beast within him. It was a fanciful thought, but one that pleased her immensely.
He came to where she sat at the table and bent to press his lips to her temple. She lifted her mouth to his with an admonishing hum, securing a real kiss from him.
“Good evening,” she breathed, feeling her usual inordinate pleasure at the intimacy between them. It was similar to the ease with which she’d lived with Tarley, yet it was not the same. Her response to Alistair was far richer and deeper in tone. It pained her to realize her relationship with Benedict hadn’t been all that it, perhaps, could have been. Yet she’d come to suspect that whatever was lacking in her marriage had been due to Alistair. Unbeknown to her, he’d been there in the shadows, occupying a space in her mind that he’d allowed no one to usurp.
“It is now.” He straightened, revealing a leather-bound ledger tucked under his arm.
“What is that?”
“Work.” He set it down on the table.
She smiled and set aside the quill with which she’d been writing a letter to Hester. “I’m happy you came to me even though you have more pressing matters to attend to.”
“I would prefer to make love to you instead, but I suspect you’ll soon be indisposed to such exertions.”
Her brows rose. Her courses had begun just that morning. “How did you know?”
He shrugged out of his coat and draped it over the chair opposite her. “How could I not know? I touch your body more than I touch my own. Your breasts are swollen and tender, and your desire for sex has been at a fever pitch the last two days. Among other signs.”
Jess’s mouth curved with wry amusement. “Observant man.”
“Can’t be helped,” he said, smiling back at her. “I cannot take my eyes off you.”
“Flatterer,” she teased. “And, sadly, I am indisposed. I could accommodate you in other ways, though . . .”
He sat. “A delicious thought, but I am content to simply be with you.”
Jess inhaled a deep breath, an involuntary response to the sudden racing of her heart. He said the words so casually, but she was deeply affected by his openness and the vulnerability inherent in his lack of guile. Lord knew, she was vulnerable, too. “I feel the same,” she said softly.
“I know.” Alistair reached across the table for her hand. “I cannot tell you what it means to me that whether or not we have sex doesn’t affect your desire to spend time with me.”
She couldn’t say why it surprised her to learn that a handsome man wanted to be appreciated for more than his exterior and desired for more than his sexual prowess. “Alistair . . .”
“Don’t pity me,” he said sharply in response to her softened tone of voice. “I will take any emotion from you but that one.”
“I adore you.”
The harsh line of his mouth smoothed. “That one will do nicely.”
She shook her head. “I won’t have you feeling ashamed of yourself because of me. I have not—nor will I ever—judge you harshly for your past choices, but if you cannot abide yourself when we’re together, we are better off apart.”
He scowled. “Now, see here—”
“No, you must see. You have to decide, right this very moment, that you are as worthy of my affections as any other man. If you cannot, I would like for you to leave.”
Alistair cursed under his breath. “You cannot say such things to me.”
“Damned if I can’t,” she shot back. “You may delude yourself into thinking I’m perfect, but I am only a woman and only partly a woman at that, since I’m barren. I must say, it’s vastly unfair that I cannot have children; yet I bleed as if it was possible.”
“So, you are menstruating?” he asked in a tone that was too light.
“If you were worried I wouldn’t, you should not have been.”
He held her gaze. “Are you certain? Perhaps the fault was Tarley’s.”
“No. He had a child with a mistress before we wed.”
“Perhaps the child wasn’t his?”
“If you saw the boy, you would have no doubt. Like your brothers, he is the very image of his father.”
Alistair nodded and directed his attention to his ledger.
A chill moved through Jess. The end of their relationship was inevitable if he wanted children, which most men did. And he deserved that sort of happiness.
“I’ve watched you with the boy,” she said, referring to the child she’d tried to rescue from abuse a week before. Alistair had taken an interest in the young sailor, working with him on knots and other useful skills, and she had enjoyed watching them together. “You will make a wonderful father someday.”
He glanced up at her, then leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms. His hair had grown slightly longer, and she loved how the black strands framed his face. Her hand lifted to her throat and massaged the tightness there.
“Jessica.” He exhaled harshly. “I’ve never given much thought to having children. Now, I won’t give the matter any thought at all.”
“Don’t say that. You cannot deny yourself the joy arbitrarily.”
“Procreation requires a partner, as you know. You are the first link in that chain. If you are also the last link, so be it. I cannot even begin to contemplate making the effort with anyone else.”
Her vision blurred. Blinking through an embarrassing sting of tears, she pushed back from the table in a rush and hurried over to the crate of claret waiting in the corner.
“Jess . . .”
She heard the scrape of chair legs atop the sole behind her; then firm hands gripped her shoulders the second before she bent down to grab the neck of a bottle.
“Hearing how I feel about you drives you to drink?” he asked with his lips to her ear.
“No. Being selfish enough to feel glad about it does.”
“I want you to feel selfish about me.”
Jess shook her head violently. “Love is selfless. Or it is supposed to be.”
“For some, perhaps. You and I have had so much taken from us. It is as it should be for us to take from each other.”
Closing her eyes, she leaned her head back against his shoulder. His arms came around her, and she placed her hands over his. “You have many siblings. You must want a large family of your own?”
“If we are going to discuss my family, we’ll need that claret.”
He walked away. Jess grabbed a bottle and straightened. When she turned around he was pulling two goblets out of the small chest by the cabin door.
She put the wine on the table and sat. Alistair set the glasses down, then pulled the cork from the bottle. He left the claret to breathe and settled back in his chair, eyeing her in a manner that was both examining and contemplative.
She waited patiently.
“Have you never wondered why Masterson’s paternal traits exerted themselves so strongly in my brothers, yet I am the mirror of my mother?”
“One doesn’t question such blessings.”
The compliment earned a small smile from him.
“So,” she said. “I surmise Masterson isn’t your father.”
“And you do not care,” he noted softly.
“Why would I?”
“Jess . . .” He gave a perfunctory laugh. “I feared telling you, you know. You are so renowned for your adherence to propriety; I thought you might think less of me.”
“Impossible. But did your brothers think less of you? Do you not still feel close to Albert?”
“It was never an issue with my brothers, no. But Masterson . . . I cannot please him.” The lack of inflection in his voice betrayed deeper emotions. “Personally, I no longer care, but my mother frets over the distance between us. If I could ease her mind, I would, but it isn’t something I can change apparently.”
“That’s unfortunate for him.” Finally, she understood why Masterson had been so reluctant to assist Alistair in making his own way in the world. “He is denying himself a fine son.”
Alistair gave her a bemused shake of his head. “I’m still astonished at your nonchalance. I should warn you—every time you accept a dirty secret I share with you, I grow more and more determined to keep you. It seems nothing I say can turn you away from me.”
Warmth unfurled in her chest. “Someone has to keep you out of mischief.”
“Only you are up to the task.”
“I should hope so, for your sake.”
“Why, my lady, I could swear that was a warning of some sort.”
Jess adopted a stern expression. “I value steadfastness and loyalty, Mr. Caulfield.”
“As do I.” His fingertips drummed atop the table. “I once believed Masterson truly loved my mother deeply, and that she felt similarly toward him. He allowed her to keep me and claimed me as one of his own, despite the way it eats at him, because he knew she would never forgive him if he forced her to give me up. But now . . .”
When he faltered, she prompted, “Now . . . ?”
Exhaling harshly, he said, “I appreciate the not-inconsiderable difference in their ages. I understand how that impacts Masterson’s physical ability to maintain marital intimacy. But, by God, I could not turn a blind eye to your seeking the relief of your sexual needs elsewhere and call my disregard ‘love.’ I would see to you in other ways—my mouth, my hands, implements of pleasure . . . whatever was at my disposal. I keep what’s mine, and I do not share.”
“Perhaps neither of them know how to broach the subject. I wouldn’t judge them too harshly.”
“Promise me that you will feel free to discuss any topic with me.”
It was a remarkably painless promise to commit to. He made it so easy for her to unveil herself just by the way he looked at her. Benedict had regarded her in the same manner, but he had asked no questions. His affection had been quietly given, with no liens or expectations. Alistair’s demands were greater and far more comprehensive. But so, then, were the boundaries of his acceptance.
She nodded her acquiescence to his request.
He gestured at the parchment in front of her. “A letter?”
“To my sister. Telling her about my travels thus far.”
“Have you mentioned me?”
“I have.”
Pleasure brightened his eyes. “What did you say?”
“Oh, I’m not done yet.”
“You have so much to relay?”
“That, and I must exercise care in how I relay it. After all, I did warn her away from you.”
“Selfish girl.”
Jess stood and rounded the table. His gaze followed her as she approached, watching her with open, heated appreciation. Setting one hand on his shoulder, she brushed his dark hair back from his forehead and pressed a kiss there.
“It pleases me to lay claim to you,” she murmured, thinking of Masterson and how foolishly prideful the man was.
Alistair caught her by the waist. “I wonder if you’ll feel that way in London,” he murmured, “when surrounded by those who may judge you harshly for your choice.”
“Do you think I’m so malleable? So easily influenced?”
“I don’t know.” He looked up and into her eyes. “I don’t think you know either.”
He was correct, in a fashion. She’d always done exactly what was proper and expected. “My father would disagree with you. He would tell you that it takes a great deal of effort to convince me to conform.”
She was pulled and arranged gently on Alistair’s lap. His arms tightened around her. “Thinking of him and how he treated you incites me to violence.”
“He isn’t worth the effort. Besides, in some ways, I am grateful to him. What was once difficult for me became second nature and made life easier for me.” She pushed her fingers through his hair. “And look at how you’ve unraveled so much of that training in just a fortnight.”
“I want to unravel you.”
“You are succeeding.” With every hour that passed, she felt a little freer. Much as she did when shedding her corset at the end of a long day. She was beginning to doubt her ability to accept her former constraints if faced with them again. “Does that frighten you? Or cool your interest? As I fall so easily into your arms, does the lack of a worthy challenge bore you?”
“You challenge me every moment, Jess. You frighten me just as often.” He rested his head against her breast. “I don’t know how to be dependent upon someone else for anything, yet I find myself dependent upon you.”
Jess wrapped her arms around his broad shoulders and set her chin atop his crown. She might have guessed that a man like Alistair, who never did anything in half-measure, would give his affection with similar abandon. But she hadn’t expected that he would want to commit himself to one woman when his choices were so vast. “I confess, I’m terrified. Everything has changed so swiftly.”
“Is that so terrible? Were you so happy before?”
“I was not unhappy.”
“And now?”
“I don’t recognize myself. Who is this woman who sits on rakes’ laps and offers sexual favors with the ease of offering a cup of tea?”
“She’s mine, and I like her quite well.”
“You would, naughty man.” She nuzzled her cheek against his hair. “Did your mother love you well, Alistair? Is that why you are so adept at caring for me?”
“She did, despite all the grief my conception and birth caused her. I would do anything to ensure her happiness.”
“Wouldn’t she love to have grandchildren?”
Pulling back, he looked at her. “That is Baybury’s responsibility as the heir. He will see to it.”
“And what is your responsibility?” she queried, stroking her thumb tenderly across his cheek.
“To be the scapegrace of the family, corrupting fine young widows and luring them to sin.”
She kissed him. With her lips against his, she said, “While I endeavor to see that you remain upon the straight and narrow path you’ve set for yourself these last years.”
His strong hands slid up either side of her spine. “What a pair we shall make. The wicked widow and the reformed rake.”
Jess quelled the quiver of unease in her stomach, telling herself there was time enough to address the brutal realities of their association. So much had happened in such a short time, and there was still a long road to travel before it could be said with certainty that they were meant to go on together. In the interim, she would follow his lead. If it was meant for their happiness to be temporary, so be it. It was too late for her to retreat now.
She pressed her lips to the tip of his nose. “Let’s have that glass of claret now.”