Chapter 34
Missing Abraham was like developing hypothermia, I decided.
First, it’s painful. Sharp pains, dull aches, you name it. Your whole body hurts from the inside out. It hurts so bad, you feel like you’ll never not be in pain. The agony becoming a sick friend. Something that keeps you company in your loneliest of times, like as you toss, and turn all night long, seeking even a few minutes of reprieve from the misery.
After living with that pain for too long, you eventually become numb. You don’t feel sad, you can’t feel happy. You feel nothing. You feel like you are nothing. It takes all you have just to get through the day.
Breaking your responsibilities into small tasks helps.
Crawl out of bed.
Brush teeth.
Put on clothes.
Pretend to eat.
Drive to work.
Sit at desk.
Go to meeting.
All of it done in a state of auto-drive. None of the day’s events sinking in, or mattering because nothing can matter without him. The sun can’t shine. The birds can’t chirp. You’re left in a gray wasteland of nothingness.
As I sat uncomfortably close to Ben in a circular booth at the jazz bar he’d insisted on, I decided if I was numb to everything, I might as well have a second glass of wine.
And, maybe a third. Probably a fourth. Who was counting? Who cared?
“... so I turn to the jury, and said ‘Ladies and gentlemen, if it’s not on the tape, it couldn’t have been rape’.”
His constant chattering broke through the haze that constantly surrounded me. “Tell me you’re kidding,” I deadpanned.
He shook his head, smile stretching across his pale face. “Nope. They ate it up. Came back with a not guilty decision in less than an hour.”
The wine soured in my stomach. “You got a rapist off?”
He nodded proudly. “Sure did.” With a sigh, he leaned back, and stretched an arm across the booth behind me. “It’s only a matter of time until I’m up on the senior’s floor with you.”
I downed half of my third glass of wine in one gulp. “Are the other guys getting here soon?”
He eyed me with irritation. “Why, are you not having a good time with just me?”
No.
I shook my head, and finished my glass, signaling to the waiter for another. I’d need copious amounts of alcohol to deal with Ben alone. “It’s not that. I just thought you said there were more people coming.”
He shook his head and checked his phone. “They should be here soon. Hey, you wanna’ hear about the drug trafficking case I won last month?”
I shrugged, and off he went. It seemed he needed very little input from me. My phone vibrated, and I pulled it out to see I’d received another text from Abraham. The fifth today.
Sexiest Man Alive: Where are you?
I ignored it. Like all the others. The contents of my fourth glass of wine were dwindling fast as I stuffed my phone back in my pocket.
I should have changed his name in my phone a while ago, but I couldn't make myself do it. It reminded me of a happier time, when things were still new, and easy, and fun.
And, although the words sliced through me every time I read them, I counted them as penance. The atonement I had to make for enjoying that beautiful afternoon with someone who was indeed the sexiest man alive. At least in my world.
My phone vibrated again, but I ignored it as I drank the last of my wine. My head was spinning, my movements slower, and less precise.
And, I didn’t care.
The waiter brought over another glass of chardonnay, and I took a large swallow as soon as the glass hit the table.
“So, what do you think?” Ben asked, almost startling me. I’d forgotten he was even there. Now that he’d regained my attention, I wondered how that could have happened.
His cheap cologne, which had always been overbearing, was almost nauseating with my new sense of smell. The nasal self-important tone he spoke with grated on my nerves and curled my stomach. He repulsed me, and I realized I’d spent the last hour and a half with only him.
“Are those guys ever getting here?” I asked again.
Ben’s eyes flashed with anger. “They can’t make it. Something came up.”
I finished my glass of wine and set it forcefully on the table. “When was this?”
He leaned back again, watching me with shrewd eyes. “A little while ago. I thought you were having fun with me. What do we need anyone else for?”
I shook my head and slid across the booth. He grabbed my upper arm, hindering my exit. “Hey, where are you going?”
I glared at his hand until he removed it. “I need to get home.”
“What, are you mad the other guys aren’t coming? Is there someone in particular you were hoping would come? Someone you’re seeing at the office?”
I shook my head incredulously. “I’m not seeing anyone.” I’ve never been so alone. I slid along the booth some more until I could swing my legs around to stand. But, before I did, I turned to him. “There was no one else coming, was there?”
Ben opened, and closed his mouth a few times before sighing loudly, and rolling his eyes. “You wouldn’t agree to go out with me otherwise.”
I shook my head again, and stood, wobbling in my heels before catching myself on the table. “That’s because I don’t want to go out with you Ben. Not yesterday, not last week, and certainly not today. And, I don’t appreciate being lied to.”
I turned to storm off, but he grabbed my wrist. “Why won’t you give me a chance? Is there someone else? Is that why you won’t go out with me?”
I shook his hand off violently, placing both palms on the table, and leaning in real close. I didn’t want him to miss a single word of what I had to say.
“There is no one else, I just don’t like you. I don’t like the way you act, I don’t like the way you talk, and I don’t like the way you think you’re better than me because you’ve got a tiny dick in your pants. I’m never going to go out with you. Get that through your thick head and leave me the hell alone!”
By the end, I was yelling, drawing the attention of the surrounding tables. Thankfully the band was still playing, and had drowned out most of my words, but they’d clearly hit their mark. Ben sat there fuming, thin lips pinched, eyes narrowed, hands clenched into fists on the tabletop. I didn’t wait to see if he had a response.
When I made it out into the cool spring night, I found it had started to rain during the couple of hours I’d endured with Ben. Tonight was turning into a disaster, and all I wanted was my cat, and my bed. I began walking down the street toward my car when I realized everything was blurry, and I was having trouble staying upright in my heels.
I couldn’t drive home like this.
Pulling out my phone, and ignoring the two new texts from him, I pulled up my Uber app, and ordered a ride. It was there in under five minutes, and I sat quietly in the back as the driver provided me with a blessedly quiet ride back to my apartment.
When I walked through my front door, the first thing I noticed was a smell I didn’t recognize. Soap and spearmint. I shrugged it off and stepped out of my heels. "Ugh Callie," I hiccupped. “Ben tricked me into going on a date with him. It was miserable.” Hiccup.
Charlie barrelled into my stockinged legs, and I pulled him into my arms, digging my face into his soft fur. He thankfully still smelled the same, although a lot stronger than when I was just a human.
“Hey, Elizabeth,” Callie called, her voice soft, with a note of apprehension. I guess she’d been worried when I didn’t come right home.
I started to explain why I hadn’t called when I saw him.
Abraham.
In my apartment.
Watching from the living room with a look that was equal parts wonder, and fury.
My mouth went dry as it hung open uselessly. Heart pounding, and legs shaking I walked closer, trying to make sure my drunk-brain was seeing things right.
He stood gracefully from my pink couch and stalked toward me. When he was only a foot away, I finally regained control of my tongue.
“What the hell are you doing here?”
He winced. “Have you been drinking?”
My mouth fell open again. I sputtered a few times before I could respond. “What the hell does it matter to you? I asked you a question, what the hell are you doing here?”
He ignored me again. “Did you drive home?”
I glared at him as he stared me down. We weren’t getting anywhere like this so I gritted my teeth and threw him a bone. “I took an Uber.”
He relaxed for a fraction of a second before his shoulders tensed again. “And, you were out with Ben?”
I dropped the cat and threw my hands on my hips with a growl. “I believe I asked you a question: What. The. Hell. Are you doing here?”
He leaned back, an unhappy smirk on his lips. “Don’t like being ignored, Elizabeth?”
I knew that was a jab at me, and the fact that I hadn’t answered any of his texts or calls.
“Um. I’m going to bed,” Callie called as she practically ran down the hallway toward the guest room.
“Answer my question, Abraham.” I gritted out.
He sighed. “I came here to talk to you. And, since you wouldn’t answer me,” he glared, “I had to come out to do it in person.”
I rolled my eyes and brushed past him. “I have nothing to say to you.”
His large hand wrapped around my arm, sending jolts of electricity through my body. It stopped me dead in my tracks.
“You’ve made it painfully obvious that you have nothing to say to me, but I have plenty to say to you, and you’re going to hear me out.”
I arched a brow.
His eyes softened. “You owe me the chance to explain.” When I hesitated, he added, “Please.”
It was that last word that did me in.
I shook off his hand although my skin hadn’t felt so warm in what felt like years. With a huff, I plopped onto a chair at the table, and folded my arms across my chest.
Abraham seemed at a loss for words, like he hadn’t expected me to agree so easily. He ran both hands through his messy hair, and I got my first good look at him. He looked awful.
His normally tan skin was sallow and covered in what looked like at least a days' worth of stubble. There were dark circles under his eyes that could rival mine, and his hair looked like it hadn’t been washed in days.
He was a mess.
“I don’t even know where to start,” he confessed. “I’ve imagined this moment so many times, and I still don’t know what to say.”
I stayed silent. He wasn’t getting any help from me.
Finally he sighed, and took a seat, his massive frame dwarfing the chair. “First, I need to apologize. Again. I never meant for you to find out that way. That was unfair, and I don’t blame you for being mad.”
“You never meant for me to find out, period,” I interjected.
He shook his head, his greasy hair falling across his tired eyes. “That’s not true. I was going to tell you.”
“When?” I demanded.
His met my eyes then. He looked lost. “I don’t know.”
I scoffed and pulled my arms tighter across my chest. He was only incriminating himself further.
“But, not for the reasons you think,” he added quickly. “It wasn’t so I could take advantage of you,” he spat the words like they tasted bad. “Or, so you’d go out with me.” He sighed again and ran his hands through his hair once more. “You were just so… happy.”
I frowned.
Huh?
“You’d finally accepted that you were becoming a werewolf. You’d started to let us in.” His eyes cut to mine. “Started to let me in.” I shivered under his gaze. “I didn’t want to ruin that.”
“So, it was for selfish reasons.”
He growled and rubbed his hands down his face. “No. No!” He sighed. “I’m not explaining this right. I can’t think clearly when I’m around you.” I frowned, and he chuckled humorlessly. “I can think even less clear when you’re not around, so I guess I’m screwed either way, huh?”
I stared at him questioningly. I was so lost.
Abraham leaned forward, placing both arms on the table, palms up. “The simple truth is, I didn’t want to hurt you. Didn’t want to do anything that would take the smile off your face. The bounce from your step. Couldn’t imagine doing anything that would hurt you. Because your pain cuts me.” He slammed a hand against his chest, over his heart. “Right here. It kills me to see you upset. I kept the truth from you to protect you. And, I’d do it again. I’d make all these mistakes a thousand more times if it meant you’d get an extra few days of peace. Of not worrying that you’ll die when the next full moon comes. And, if that’s selfish, I’ll take it, because your happiness is the most important thing to me.”
I sat there speechless as my intoxicated brain tried to understand everything he’d just said. His words sounded good, but could I trust it? Trust him? I just didn’t know anymore. Didn’t know anything. Nothing made sense, and everything was wrong, and this man sitting across from me was the epicenter of it all.
Just seeing him sitting there across from me was like a splash of ice cold water in the face. A shock to my system. Like someone had yelled “clear”, and placed two electrified paddles against my chest, shocking me back to life.
But, was it enough?
Could I accept his apology? Could I trust him again? Was it worth going back down that path with him, only to have him disappoint me again? And, what else was he keeping from me? The fact that he was still lying helped solidify my decision.
“I accept your apology.” His eyes brightened as he sat a little straighter in his chair. But, I wasn’t done. “But it doesn’t change anything. You lied to me. I don’t think I could ever trust you again,” I admitted softly.
“So that’s it? You’re just going to throw this all away?” he asked, motioning between the two of us.
I needed to be strong.
Needed to remember why I was doing this.
He lied.
He betrayed.
I nodded, and watched his shoulders deflate, eyes returning to their lackluster color as his face fell with disappointment.
He scanned my face, searching frantically for something it seemed he couldn't find. Finally, he dropped his gaze, and rose from the chair.
He turned away from me before speaking. “I understand. Thanks for hearing me out,” he said softly before he opened my front door, and left, closing it softly behind him.
The click of the door sounded like the last nail in my coffin as I was buried alive. And, the worst part? I wasn’t even trying to break out.