I don’t understand these gods. Are they all like this, in the flesh? They don’t seem to mind sharing me with each other. In fact, they seem to delight in it. It frightens me sometimes, the way their hungry eyes follow me as I move about the tent, the way their touch sets my flesh on fire no matter how casual of a brush it may be. They don’t take me together, not at first. They must see that I’m still a frightened bird with a broken wing, fighting just to make it through each day in this new world of freedom. Still, the greedy core of me yearns for more, with every kiss, with every moan. I think they can see it in me, sometimes, when I’m wrapped up in Alin’s limbs and turn to look at Zev, when Zev is taking me and my hands reach for Alin. Even with everything in the world I’m greedy, wanting for nothing but more of the gods that have proven to be my salvation.
Despite the distraction of my somewhat useless presence, Zev and Alin’s plans for the compound are rapidly falling into place. I wasn’t privy to much information when I was still within the Church, but with the few odd puzzle pieces I can provide, they’re able to find an upcoming window of days when none of the Seven will be at the compound or within close enough range to be potentially of risk. Watching them painstakingly map out the minutiae of their plan, I become more and more in awe of the fact that I was ever able to make it out on my own, by nothing but sheer circumstance and foolhardy will.
“How many do you think will come with us?” Zev asks, frowning over the numbers and graphs shimmering in the air between us.
“Oh, I don’t know,” I say honestly, wishing for the millionth time I could be of more help. No one ever dared speak of escape on the compound, at least not to me. For the most part, people like my parents still seemed happy and grateful to be there, sheltered from the outside world that has done nothing but fail them. “Maybe half? Maybe less.”
Zev frowns, his brow twisting into a tight knot. I can see how much it pains him, the idea that he can’t save them all. I don’t think he understands how anyone could possibly feel safe or at peace within the confines of the Church. I don’t think he’s ever felt desperate enough to even imagine such a low feeling. I reach for his hand and twine my fingers into his, giving what I hope is a reassuring squeeze. He returns a halfhearted smile before going back to his charts.
“You can’t help those who don’t want to be helped, I suppose,” Zev mutters, mostly to himself.
“Try telling that to our Elders,” Alin notes, tossing a green apple from hand to hand, adding some spins and tricks when he sees me watching.
“Everything they do is to help themselves,” Zev grumbles, his eyes going dark and stormy.
Alin raises his eyebrows at me and rolls his eyes toward Zev. I frown disapprovingly.
“So, are we ready to roll?” Alin asks his partner, taking his seat back at the table with us and biting into his apple with a loud crunch.
“As ready as we’ll ever be,” Zev says. “We have enough transport for several dozen, assuming best case scenario and we rescue everyone. Our safe house is prepped for arrival. The Seven are all accounted for and far from here, not that they’d get their own hands dirty even if they were here. All we have to worry about are the Church elders, and they’ll be easy enough to subdue.”
I shift on my float and draw my knees up under my chin, my long hair in hopeless knots around my fingers. This is really happening. Ever since I got here, it’s been easy to forget that this was more than a game of make-believe, a way to pass the time between romps in bed with my two gods. Suddenly, all of Zev’s numbers and all of Alin’s quips are unbearably real and tangible, the deadline just hours away.
“Don’t worry,” Zev says, reaching out and gently untangling a hand from my hair, locking my nervous fingers in his grasp. “We won’t hurt your friends or your family. And you don’t have to go back. You can wait here for us, and we’ll fetch you when it’s time to go to the new safe house.”
I glance at Alin, and he nods reassuringly. They want to keep me safe, but they misunderstand my anxiety. Of course I don’t wish to return to the home that was a living nightmare at worst and a dredging existence at best. Of course I’m terrified of seeing the elders that must be furious at me for escaping, and will become bloodthirsty when they realize I’ve been colluding with the enemy. But I know deep in my soul that I have no choice but to return, no matter how my two gods may insist. I know that the only chance of my parents leaving their facade of safety is if I beg them myself, and even then, I’m unsure they’ll waver. Regardless, the least I can do is try.
“No,” I say to the two men still watching me intently. “No, I’ll go with you. I have to.”