Chapter 4 - Sara
Why do I feel like I’ve made the worst mistake of my life? I go through the next several days on autopilot. The only thing that breaks through my haze is Teddy. I call out to him without thinking about the consequences.
"Hey Teddy can you stay here for a second I'd like to ask you something?" I say to him as the rest of my students file out.
"Yeah sure, what is it?" he asks.
"How's the new relationship with Emma?" beating around the bush.
A blush touches his cheeks, and his eyes dart anywhere but at me, "Fine."
"Fine? It looks like it's going more than fine."
His blush deepens, and he rubs his head in a nervous habit, "Yeah well it is. At least I think so."
I couldn't help my smile, "Is it more than friends?" I ask.
His eyes look up at me for the briefest of moments, and his head shakes in the negative.
"Is it something you want," I ask this time his eyes don't sway from mine.
"Yeah, but I don't know the first thing about relationships. You know… about asking a girl out."
"I'll tell you a secret, it's not as hard as you think."
"But what if she tells me she doesn't feel the same," Teddy responds.
I shrug, "Then at least you know. You can't force her, but the way I've seen her look at you...The odds are in your favor."
His features brighten, "You think," I smile and nod my head.
I give him a second to take in the possibility, before I ask what I really wanted to know all along.
“Teddy, is everything alright at home?”
“Yes, everything is fine,” he shrugs like teenage boys are prone too.
“Your brother? How is he?” I ask as my eyes shift downward.
“He’s fine,” Teddy says with a quizzical look.
He stays silent, and I suppose I should have expected it. It’s not like I had the right to ask. I kept pushing Vince away every chance I got, and to expect him to still pursue me was a ludicrous expectation. I knew that in the end it was for the best, but it still weighed heavily on my mind and in my heart. I wonder if I made the right choice.
I smile at him, and brush the thoughts away, “Okay, well, make sure you get your assignment done tonight, it has everything you need to know for the test on Friday.”
“Um, ok, thanks Ms. Halaway,” I turn from him, and move around my desk to gather the papers I need to grade before my next class bell rings.
His voice forces me to look up again, "My brother isn’t what he seems," when he tries to leave, I call his name. He turns. He sighs when he sees my face. I’m sure I’m not hiding anything from him in this moment, and I should be ashamed. Teddy starts with-, "It's really none of my damn business, but..."
"Language," I scold. He blushes.
"Sorry, but it's not. You and Vince are adults, and should be able to work out your own problems. But I’m starting to see both of you are stubborn. I'm only saying something because my brother deserves to be happy after all the sh...stuff he’s gone through," my smile slips out as he corrects himself.
He sighs again, before continuing, but this time it seems exasperated," and he won't speak for himself on this, and you really should give him a chance to show you the kind of man he is."
I knew I should stop him, this isn’t his story to tell. If Vince wanted me to know that night he would have said as much. He doesn't seem the type to hold back. I couldn’t though, I wanted to know too much to deny myself.
"He became a parent at 18, he didn't have too, but he did it to save me from the system. Ever since then he’s had to do things he’s not proud of for us to live. That isn't his fault. I didn't think you’d judge him, so when he asked if he could take you out I said sure," he shrugs, "He's given up a lot to see me succeed. He shouldn't be punished for that, not even by you, but you did punish him. You assumed that the life he's living he would have chosen for himself. That isn't his fault either," the anger is there behind his eyes, but more so the disappointment is what gets to me. I felt repentant.
But was I sorry? I was protecting myself in the only way I knew how. Sure I was regretful that I ended up hurting his brother. Even more so that I judged him so harshly, but I've been exposed to men in his crowd, and yes I did assume. But I'm at fault for not giving him a chance to explain. Instead I let my old fears control me. I moved on from my problems years ago, but I was still letting the past dictate my future. Dwelling on past bad decisions I've made only allows them to keep defining me. I can't move forward if I continue to hide behind that scared little girl that thought she was once in love.
"Anyways, forget I said anything. It's not like it makes a difference, even if you were to apologize he doesn't do second chances," Teddy said as he moved forward to leave.
I absorb what he said, I don't see him again for the rest of the school day.
Teddy was right, I had judged Vince. It wasn’t to hurt him, or hurt Teddy, but to protect myself. Those are the facts, but they were for the wrong reasons. Vince is not my ex. Though I still couldn’t allow myself to be caught up in him even though I was finding it too easy to do. He may very well be a good man dressed as a bad boy, but I needed to have stability in my life. I didn't see that in him.
No, what I saw was dirty words whispered in my ear, followed with even dirtier actions, resulting in tangled sheets, and those sheets I couldn’t afford to be tangled in. So I was determined to at least apologize. I wasn’t asking for a second chance. I didn't deserve one. I didn't want one. Convincing myself was harder than I thought.
⨳ ⨳ ⨳
When the next day came and went as well as the day after and there was no sight of Teddy to pass along my message I started to worry.
Making my way up to the office I talked to the principal about my concern, and I offered to call his guardian. With permission I sit back at my desk with Vince’s number scribbled down on a sticky note.
After picking up the receiver to call, twice, I finally dial the number.
"Hello?" the sound of Vince’s voice was so smooth even over the line.
"Hello?" this time agitation was clear in his tone.
It brought me out of my daze, "Hi, this is Ms. Sara Halaway from Teddy’s school."
"What do you want?" his voice is void of emotion.
"I wanted to see if everything is alright with Teddy. No one has called him off sick, and he's missed two days of school. I wanted to be sure he was alright," I knew I was starting to repeat myself because of my nerves, but I couldn't stop.
"Shit, I forgot. The kid is fine now, he had a fever that I couldn't get to come down, so I took him to the hospital, but he's home now," Vince sounded exhausted.
"Oh it’s good to hear he's on the mend. I’ll tell the office, and his other teachers," the silence is palpable.
"Is that all you needed? I have to get back," Vince stated shortly.
Before I could stop myself I blurt, "I'm sorry."
Again the silence was heavy, and it unnerved me every second it lasted. By the time either of us said anything I felt as if my body was lying flush against the floor.
"Alright, I hope to see Teddy soon," I forced a chipper note to my tone, and returned the receiver in its cradle. I prayed to God a sinkhole would appear under my desk and take me out of my misery.