Chapter 9
The sweet smell of you stayed when the sun came up.
I needed you there, in the flesh not in dreams.
And on the nights when I cry, so deep from inside.
The sheets are cold and filled with my screams.
—Untitled song, Hidden Track 34
A ROUGHER, larger version of Kane was waiting for them when they came back from another round of questions at the police station.
Connor stood by the curb, his thick arms crossed over his wide chest. His hair was shorter than Kane’s, a black thistle following the lines of his skull, and his bright blue eyes were warier than his brother’s. The younger Morgan definitely shouted cop to Miki, but Connor’s stern face and tightly sculpted bulk screamed danger, even when he shot his brother a welcoming smile as Kane got out of the car.
Kane jerked his chin up at his older brother in passing and walked around to the car’s passenger side where Miki was struggling to get out of the cab. “Hey, hold up.”
“I can do this, you know,” Miki said, waving Kane off. “I did fine without you.”
He grabbed the doorframe, easing himself down onto the pavement, and held on tight as his leg threatened to face-plant him before he could take a single step. Gritting his teeth, Miki took short, skipping breaths to ride out the pain, then shuffled back to close the door.
He couldn’t trust himself to touch Kane. There was too much going on in his head. Torn between needing to lick his wounds and wanting Kane to spread him open and pierce him through with his hard, long dick, Miki knew he’d come apart if Kane ran his hands over him. Everything he’d been through was too close to the surface, and it scared him. The monsters haunting him in his nightmares were suddenly walking around in the daylight, and Miki didn’t know where else he could hide.
“Would you just fucking wait until I can help you walk to the door?” Kane muttered as he came up behind him. “You are so damned stubborn.”
“If this was you, would you let someone help?” Miki sniped as he dug his fingers into Kane’s arm.
“I know you’ve had a shit day,” Kane grumbled back. “Don’t be crappy to me too.”
“See you’ve got your hands full,” Connor rumbled, opening the door. “Need some assistance there, little brother?”
Miki tensed up, and Kane gave his brother a filthy look. “You’re not helping, Con.”
“He might be more willing if you weren’t growling at him.” Connor strolled up to Miki and lowered his shoulder. “Here, lean on me. My brother can lock up the car.”
Good. Connor was safe. Miki didn’t get the rush of tingles along his spine like he did when Kane was near. Reaching out for the older Morgan, Miki heard Kane mutter a few choice words at his brother and then swear when Miki slid his arm around Connor’s waist for support. It was like hugging a tree trunk, a large, shambling tree trunk that smelled almost like Kane. Miki looked back over his shoulder, meeting Kane’s gaze, then bit his lip when the cop winked at him.
Flustered, Miki hobbled toward the door, stopping to look at the plywood covering the broken window. “Thanks for doing that for me. You’ll have to let me know how much I owe you.”
“We’ve played baseball in my parents’ backyard for years.” Connor said, helping Miki into the warehouse. “You think this is the first time these sheets have been used to board up a window?”
The floor was spotless, without a speck of broken glass or gore. Dude was snoring peacefully on the couch, his back legs twitching in the air. From the looks of his puffed-out belly, Connor had gone with bribery to curry the dog’s favor. Miki whistled once to get the dog’s attention, but Dude’s eyes remained shut, giving Miki a couple of thumps of his tail on the couch to welcome him home.
“Yeah, vicious attack dog,” Kane said, shaking his head.
“I was expecting Cerberus or something from how the guys at the station were talking.” Connor led Miki to the couch and eased him into the pillows. “I brought a couple of In-N-Out burgers to soften him up. No onions, though. Didn’t want him to get sick.”
“Onions are bad for dogs?” Miki tilted his head quizzically. “I thought it was just chocolate.”
“First time he’s had a dog,” Kane answered Connor’s frown. “He needs a manual or something.”
“Or something,” Connor agreed. “I’m going to head out. I had company when you called. Going to see if she’s still up.”
“Oh, dude, you should have said something,” Kane said, walking his brother to the door.
“What? Like Quinn was going to come over here and do this?” The older Morgan snorted. “You’d be lucky if he didn’t nail the door shut.”
“Thanks.” Kane laughed, slapping Connor on the shoulder. “I owe you.”
“Not a problem, K.” Connor gave his brother a quick one-armed hug and tossed a wave off in Miki’s direction. “Get some rest. If you have any problems and Kane’s not around, give me a call. Get my number from K, all right?”
“Here, I’ll walk you out,” Kane said, and followed Connor outside.
They left the door open, and their laughter carried into the warehouse. Miki closed his eyes and pulled a pillow up against his chest. Listening to the brothers talk was too intimate, nearly as intimate as unexpectedly overhearing lovers having sex. Someplace deep and dark inside of Miki’s chest began to hurt, pounding with an envy he’d thought long dead.
An envy that died when he found himself in front of three men he loved as brothers and then resurrected when their laughter and bonds unraveled under a twist of metal and pain.
“Yeah, it’s not fair, but fuck that, we had good times.” He only had the band for a few years, scarcely long enough to wash away the stains Shing and Carl left in him, but they’d been damned good years. Miki cradled the pillow as tight as he could and waited for his cop to come back inside.
“YOU doing all right, K?” Connor unlocked his Suburban, leaning on the hood to talk to his brother.
“Yeah, I’m okay,” Kane murmured. They left the living room door open, so Kane had a clear view of the couch where Miki was curled up into a ball. “He’s had a real rough day. There’s a lot of ghosts he’s got to deal with.”
“Been a long time since I’ve seen you this… invested.” His older brother clapped a hand on Kane’s shoulder. “He comes with a lot of problems….”
“Yeah, so everyone keeps telling me,” Kane replied wryly. He turned to smile at Connor, punching his brother lightly on the shoulder. “It’ll be okay.”
“Do you remember when we were kids and you found that hawk or falcon… whatever the fuck it was… when we were out at the Presidio?”
“Yeah, it had a broken wing.” Kane chuckled. “Man, it was pissed off.”
“You picked it up. You didn’t want to wait for someone who knew what the hell they were doing to come. No, you had to wrap it with your shirt and take care of it.” Connor sobered. “It tore the shit out of you, K, but you still wouldn’t let it go. Not until the Wildlife Rescue people came.”
“Why does everyone bring that up whenever they think I’m jousting windmills?” Kane leaned against the fender and crossed his arms. “It was out in the sun, cooking. The ranger said it would have died if I hadn’t dragged it into the shade and given it water. Why doesn’t anyone remember that part of it?”
“Because we had to take you to the hospital to get stitches down your arms, and Mom wanted to beat the shit out of me for letting you pick it up,” Connor reminded him.
“Dad understood,” he replied.
“Dad’s known for jousting windmills too, you know.” Connor’s laugh echoed against the warehouse’s brick exterior. “I’m just saying be careful.”
“You’re just saying that ’cause you listen to country music,” Kane said. “If he was a shitkicker, you’d be pushing me at him and planning a shotgun wedding.”
“Only if he got you pregnant,” Connor countered. “Then, all bets are off. You bringing him to dinner tomorrow?”
“And the conversation takes a left turn.” Kane shook his head. “I don’t know. It’s kind of late to spring it on Mom, and I don’t know if he’s in any shape to be dragged in front of the Morgans to get his tires kicked. I don’t know who I’d be more scared of. Ryan, ’cause she’s got him and his band on the walls, or Mom because he’d be the first guy I’d ever brought home, even if we’re just friends.”
“K, if you look at your friends like I saw you look at him, you’re getting laid a lot more than I thought,” Connor rumbled.
“He says he doesn’t do parents well.” He shrugged and rocked back on his heels, shivering slightly as the breeze kicked up. “I get that his best friend’s mom and dad have been assholes after the accident.”
“A lot of parents are assholes to their kids’ friends,” Connor pointed out. “Look at how Dad was to Riley’s friends.”
“Only those with dicks,” Kane said. “That’s kind of what I’m afraid they’re going to do if I bring Miki around. I’d like him to be around an actual family thing, you know, so he can see what it’s like, but not if everyone’s going to tear him apart.”
“I’ll tell Mom you won’t be around tomorrow.” Connor got into his SUV and started the engine. He rolled down the window and leaned out to talk to his brother. “Don’t bring him around if you’re not going to keep him, K. If he’s as broken as you think he is, don’t let him get attached to the family if you’re going to jerk them away from him. That’s fucked up.”
“Like meeting the rest of us is going to make him fall instantly in love with me?” Kane snorted. “If anything, that’ll guarantee him running off.”
“Only if he wasn’t already in love with you,” Connor said, lightly smacking his brother on the side of the head. “Why don’t the two of you take it slow and see where it goes? He likes you, Kane. He doesn’t trust himself with you, and sometimes that’s a good thing. Don’t screw it up, little brother. If you’re going to keep him, hold onto him, even if he tears you up. Stitches heal. Your heart won’t if you walk away and leave him dying out in the sun.”
MIKI heard the living room door close and then Kane’s footsteps approaching the couch. Dude grumbled as Kane moved him to the floor. Then the sofa cushions gave slightly under the cop’s weight. He held his breath, hugging the pillow he’d buried his face into. The couch shifted when Kane leaned forward, and Miki trembled when the man’s large hands stroked his arm and hair.
“Come here,” Kane whispered.
Miki let himself be gathered up, not resisting when Kane pulled the pillow out of his arms. He shuddered as he breathed, caught up in the tremors racking his spine. Kane peeled off Miki’s jacket and tossed it over the back of the couch. Spreading his hands over the singer’s hips, he lifted Miki up and moved him back. The couch was barely wide enough for them to fit side by side and Kane used the stuffed couch arm for support, maneuvering between Miki and the seat back. With one arm under Miki’s shoulders, Kane stroked at the man’s face with his free hand, running his fingertips over Miki’s ripe mouth.
Miki parted his lips when Kane’s thumb skimmed them. Kane’s fingers were gentle on his chapped skin, rubbing gently as he traced the fullness of Miki’s pout. When Kane’s touch moved to his cheekbone, Miki closed his eyes, sighing and relaxing into Kane’s arm.
“You are so pretty,” Kane whispered. “Sometimes it hurts to look at you.”
“Yeah?” Miki opened his eyes and stared up into Kane’s face.
Kane’s black hair looked as if he’d rolled out of bed and dragged his fingers through it to get out most of the tangles. Faint fatigue lines framed his eyes, their deep blue a shade Miki’d only seen off the reef in Australia. The cop’s face wasn’t perfect. Someone or something had taken care of his nose’s straight line, and at some point Kane lost a minor skirmish with something that left a thin curve on his cheekbone. Another small scar, barely noticeable until Miki was close up, slightly creased Kane’s upper lip.
Kane was a guy Damien would call someone to keep instead of just fuck. Miki was inclined to agree. If only he was someone Kane could keep in return.
“You doing okay?” Kane whispered. His hand was large, big enough to cover Miki’s face, but every pass of his fingers was a velvety whisper over Miki’s skin.
“Yeah, I’ve had worse days.” He tried laughing it off, but Kane placed his thumb against the side of his mouth and stilled the fake smile Miki tried to conjure up.
“I hate that you’ve had worse than this,” Kane murmured. “I hate that you had this.”
It was a moment where a kiss would happen.
And Kane did not disappoint.
Stretched out over Miki’s body, Kane balanced his greater weight so he didn’t crush the lanky singer. Moving slightly, he turned and slid his knee between Miki’s legs, supporting himself as he moved over Miki. The heat of Kane’s body turned Miki to a spongy mess, and he sighed, reaching up with quivering hands to press his fingers against Kane’s broad chest. It felt like steel under the rumpled cotton of his T-shirt, and the harsh rasp of their jeans rubbing denim to denim turned Miki on like nothing he ever felt before.
The accident left his cock nearly inert since the coma so it was still a shock for Miki to feel it thicken and grow heavy between his legs. He nearly lost himself when Kane’s thigh brushed over his dick. His boxers left him with enough room for his sex to snake down against his leg, and now, trapped against the silken material, it twitched and churned, trying to reach the man lying over Miki’s length.
Miki met Kane’s mouth, eager to take the man’s taste into him. The fatigue bearing him down left him weak, and the anguish pouring out of his knee turned numb when Kane’s lips touched his. Kane’s hand rose up to press against Miki’s cheek, his thumb coaxing Miki to open up further for him. When Miki sighed, Kane dove in, fiercely possessing the singer’s mouth.
Kane’s tongue invaded him, but unlike… the others… the man felt like he wanted Miki, not just some warm body to empty his seed into. Their tongues curled, teasing guttural sighs out of Miki. He could feel Kane smiling against his mouth, and Miki worked his hand into Kane’s hair and pulled him closer with a sharp tug. He needed it rough, far rougher than what Kane was giving him, and Miki pressed into the cop, working his other hand up the back of Kane’s shirt to rake his nails across the man’s muscular back. The cop hissed and growled, lowering himself down on Miki until the singer was fully pinned against the couch.
There, Miki thought, that feels… right.
Then it all stopped when Kane pushed himself up on his hands and stared down at him.
Kane studied Miki’s face, a serious expression easing away the fiery lust Miki had stoked in him. His eyes, darkened with desire, ran back to their brilliant hue, and the flush in Kane’s cheeks faded. Miki squirmed under Kane’s scrutiny, uneasy and laid bare. Miki curled his shoulders in slightly, suddenly feeling vulnerable. Looking down, Miki tried to break off the man’s intense eye contact, but Kane’s fingers on his jaw kept him still.
“I’m not going to hurt you,” Kane murmured, rubbing his thumb over Miki’s chin. “Don’t ask me to. Don’t expect it. Hasn’t anyone just made love to you, honey? Hasn’t anyone just held you and told you how gorgeous you are?”
He needed to cry, to shove Kane away and hide someplace the man couldn’t see into him. Biting his lip hard, Miki tasted blood and turned his head, refusing to let Kane see the tears burning his eyes.
“Talk to me, Mick,” Kane coaxed. “Let me take some of that pain you’ve got, hon.”
“Get off of me,” Miki grumbled. He tried pushing at Kane’s chest, but it was like shoving a wall. “Get the fuck off of me.”
It sounded weak, even to his own ears. He would have been humiliated if Kane laughed at him, but the man merely brushed his mouth down Miki’s nose.
“Yeah, I’m not going anywhere,” Kane didn’t even have the good grace to pretend Miki nudged him.
It wasn’t fair that Kane kissed him again. He couldn’t think when the cop’s mouth was on him, even more so when Kane’s tongue licked briefly at the skin on his cheek, tasting him before kissing him again. Their mouths brushed, and every curse word Miki wanted to fling at Kane fled under the scorching fire of Kane’s tongue touching the curve of his upper lip.
“Tell me what happened,” Kane said, then shrugged ruefully when Miki recoiled in shock. “Well, not exactly what happened, but how you felt. How you feel now.”
“I don’t know where to start,” Miki whispered. It was too hard to look at Kane. Not with the taste of the man on his mouth. It was too difficult to have Kane on his tongue while his mind wandered to darker, more painful places.
“Start anywhere you want,” he replied. Moving to the side of Miki’s body, Kane kept one arm around Miki’s waist and looped the other under the singer’s neck. Nuzzling in closer, Miki turned onto his side, crooking his right leg to take the strain off of his knee. “Anything you say… it’s between us. Just you and me. No one else.”
“Not even Sanchez?”
“Especially not Sanchez,” Kane promised. “This isn’t a cop thing, Mick. This is an… us thing. Talk to me. Tell me about your last boyfriend. Anything.”
“I don’t have a last boyfriend,” Miki snorted. “Fuck, I’ve never had a first boyfriend. Kind of the only sex I’ve had was… them. Everything else was pretty much blowjobs in a back room someplace.”
“Thought you were supposed to have rock star sex,” he teased, lightly brushing Miki’s cheek with the back of his hand. “Isn’t that what bands are supposed to do?”
“Hah!” Miki mockingly pursed his lips. “Maybe if you’re Damien or Johnny. They’re whores. We had a no sex on the bus rule. The carpet was getting disgusting.”
“How long did you stay? With Vega?” Kane brought Miki back to his nightmares, gently circling him back around.
He dropped his eyes, staring at the stretch of skin and sinew on Kane’s neck. It was a safe place to look. There was a small dark beauty spot where his throat and shoulder met, and Miki studied it intently, hoping to keep the horrors at bay.
Carl’s touch still crawled under skin, and Shing’s viscous spit clung to the back of his neck. Nothing Miki did could erase the feel of their hands on him, digging deep into him until he’d felt like he’d burst apart. Kane’s weight on him felt different. The cop didn’t suffocate him. As massive as Kane was, he fit against Miki, filling in the spaces where Mike felt the most empty.
“I was… in school when CPS picked me up to take me over to Carl’s. I don’t know what happened at the other house… the family I was living with. They were… okay, I guess. The guy was an asshole, but the woman was all right. I can’t remember their names. Funny, huh? I lived with them for a year, and I don’t remember them.” Miki rested his head against Kane’s arm, burrowing into the man’s side. “The first few weeks were okay. He wasn’t home a lot, and Mrs. Vega was kind of spacey. They didn’t have any kids, just me. But then he started coming into my room, and… stuff changed.”
Kane didn’t say anything but moved his arm over Miki’s body, draping it over his stomach. Miki clutched at Kane’s forearm, playing with the soft hair crinkling his skin.
“I tried telling the CPS lady when she came over. He’d told me not to, you know. They always do,” Miki murmured thoughtfully. “I mean, Carl wasn’t the first time that kind of shit was done to me, but usually it was quick, and then I’d be kicked out of the house. He was different. He’d stay. Like for a really long time, and his wife, it was like she didn’t care he did it, or maybe she was happy about it. I don’t know. She wouldn’t talk to me when he was home. She’d make me dinner and stuff, but it was like I wasn’t there. Like she was setting food out for a ghost or something.”
“Did he hit her?” Kane asked quietly. “Was she scared of him?”
“She was scared of everything.” Miki’s laugh was bitter. “She’d have dinner ready, then go to her room to eat. I never saw her. Only time I ate at the table was when he was home. Then she’d put everything out like it was Thanksgiving dinner, tablecloth and all. Rest of the time, I ate in the living room.”
“What did the CPS rep say when you told her?”
“That he was touching me?” Miki snorted. “That I was making shit up because I was someplace I had to follow the rules. She told Carl what I said, right in front of me like she was going to prove I was a liar. He acted all concerned and made these noises like he was going to help me, but I could see he was going to beat the shit out of me as soon as she left. He has these small little black eyes, and they’d get all evil looking when he was planning something. So when he went out with her to her car, I grabbed some stuff and bailed out the back. I think Mrs. Vega saw me because I heard him yelling for me about a minute later, but I was already over the fence.”
“Where were you going to go?”
“No idea. Didn’t matter. I’d jumped the fence, but the neighbor heard Carl yelling and grabbed me. I didn’t even get to the street.” Miki swallowed, leaning his head back to breathe through his mouth. The cold air calmed him, nearly as much as the heat coming off of Kane as it seeped into his skin to warm his belly. “He had to work that night. That’s when he dragged me over to Shing’s. To the restaurant. I never went to his house.”
“To that storage room. Above the kitchen?” Kane asked and Miki nodded.
“When I got older, he’d make me work in the kitchen, but after the place closed, he took me up there.” Miki licked his mouth. “Carl… he was always angry. He’d hit when he did… that. With his fists or his belt. He was always pissed off, and he’d say shit like I was making him do this to me. That it was my fault.”
“It wasn’t your fault, Miki,” Kane reassured him. He spread his fingers over Miki’s chest, pressing against the spot where Miki’s heart was threatening to pound its way out to freedom. “You were a kid.”
“Yeah, I know that now. It’s just that, Carl was so… mad. All the time,” he murmured. The tears were coming, full force and hot, and Miki sniffed, trying to keep his nose from clogging. “But see, Shing… he was worse. With Carl, I’d get bruises or he’d bloody my nose, but at least he saw me.”
Kane tried to pull Miki closer, but he wouldn’t let him. He needed space if he was going to tell Kane how he felt. Miki knew he needed air between them if he was going to hold it together long enough to finish ripping himself open for Kane to wade through.
“But Shing? He acted like it was just something he had to do, like brushing his teeth or eating dinner. He wouldn’t say anything, not really. He’d just make noises and take. He’d take what he wanted. He’d do it for hours, and then he’d get up and go. He’d lock the door behind him and just leave me there. Like I was nothing. At least with Carl, I wasn’t nothing, Kane. At least Carl saw me enough to hate me.”