three
(belle)
*NOW*
It was another typical party kind of thing. We were too old for this kind of thing but it happened more than it really should have. All the women stood in the living room while the guys hung around the table, playing cards and smoking cigars. Some of us had boyfriends, the rest were single and everyone was there to be set up with someone.
Yeah, fine, maybe six years ago it was fun to do. And maybe I should have just let things happen back then so they weren’t so awkward now.
I felt Megan tug on my arm, almost spilling my warm drink.
“I still can’t believe it,” she said, her words slurring. “Not even a little bit?”
“A little bit?” I asked.
“You know, like the tip of it. Just, like, touching it. Like a little boop on your vagina.”
I laughed and said, “Don’t say vagina. And, no, there’s never been a boop down there.”
I had become some kind of circus freak to all my so-called friends because I was still a virgin. Granted, being closer to thirty than twenty made it seem weird, but it was just something that never happened. There were plenty of chances, I just never took them. I had done plenty in my life, but when your father is the chief of police, it’s hard to really get away with much. Not to mention when you’re an only child and your mother was murdered when you were young, it sort of sets the pace that you’d be over protected.
My father had no problem with having his guys follow me. He had no worries against busting into anyone’s house, at any time, to see what was going on. One time when I was studying with a guy friend, we got a little flirty and kissed. You know, a typical awkward high school kind of kiss. Our tongues touched, were sloppy, breathing heavy because we were both so nervous. He reached across the table and touched my breast and then there was a heavy thud against the backdoor.
One of my father’s guys was there, claiming to be checking on a call of a gas smell.
Yeah, right.
So when your reputation becomes the girl who can’t put out, you sort of just give up hope. Anyone who dared to challenge me would end up facing my father. Even into my twenties, it was sort of pathetic.
Now, it was like I was too old.
“She’s just waiting for the right one,” Ashley said. “You’re drunk, Megan. Just let it go.”
“At this point, just bang it out,” Megan said. “You know? Guys are going to be afraid of you, Belle.”
“Wow. Thanks for that.”
“Sorry, but it’s true. I mean, you always remember your first.”
“I wish I didn’t,” Ashley said.
“You say that, but it’s a lie,” Megan said. “Of course our first time is usually with the wrong guy. Everything goes wrong. Nothing feels right. We think we’re in love. It’s how it’s supposed to be.”
“So I’m a freak,” I said.
“No…”
“You’re an asshole, Megan,” I snapped.
Megan gasped.
“Easy,” Ashley said. “Just drop the subject.”
That was impossible. It was always the topic of choice. Like everyone was watching and waiting for me to get fucked. Even there at Ashley’s house she rented with her fiancé Brett, all the guys knew I was a virgin.
And, yeah, maybe it was a big deal to me. What was I going to do? Just open my legs and say come n’ get it to some guy who had slept with a hundred women?
“I’m just saying you could just do it,” Megan said. “Don’t even tell the guy. Get drunk, pick a cute guy, and have at it. Then it’s out of the way. I know you think about it. I know your dad is a pain in the ass. But not anymore, Belle. You’re on your own now.”
I felt the emotion creep up my throat. Two glasses of vodka sort of made it hard to control my emotions.
I teared up and all the girls tried to touch me. Their ooohhh’s and aawww’s were so fake.
“Just stop talking about it,” I said and pushed through them.
I went outside on the back deck, alone, the night cast against a starry sky.
See, maybe a night like tonight would be right. A cool evening. A gentle breeze. Stars all around.
Or maybe it was all my fault and all in my head. I grew up turning to movies and TV shows to raise me. My father worked all the time. When he came home he was tired and mean. He drank a lot, telling me it was the only thing that chased away the job. I never got to have personal talks with someone, ever. The first time I got my period I was wiping after using the bathroom and I thought I had hurt myself. My father tried to talk me through that but it wasn’t what it should have been.
And my mother had been taken because of my father’s job.
So it was the vicious cycle that was on a constant repeat in my life.
Even there, standing on that deck. I should have had a boyfriend with me. Someone to hold me, kiss me, flirt with me. Maybe someone wild enough to shut the door and curtains and start to fool around right there outside.
I swallowed hard and felt my body tingling. I was at that point in my life… thinking things and getting turned on.
I hurried to drink the rest of my drink, wanting to chase it all away.
I could have gone inside and got another drink. Then another. Two more. Then it would be a nice dark haze for me. The night would settle and I could end up in the finished basement on the pullout couch.
And then it could just happen.
I heard the door slide open behind me.
I looked back and saw Kyle coming out, beer in hand.
“Hey there,” he said.
Kyle was cute in his own dorky, tech-guy kind of way. He reveled in the fact that he was a dork and that was fine by me. The first thing I did was eye him and wonder what kind of body he had. Did I want to lose my virginity to someone who wasn’t…
Stop, Belle.
“How’s your night?” he asked me.
“It’s a night,” I said. “How’s the poker?”
“Great. I’m cleaning up. They get so pissed when I do. Truth is, I just read them. They all have tells. For example…” Kyle grinned. “You don’t give a damn, do you?”
“No, I don’t,” I said. “But that’s good you’re cleaning up.”
“That’s not why I came here, Belle,” Kyle said.
I watched as he slowly put his beer down. He then slipped behind me, leaving very little space.
“What…”
“Just look forward,” he said.
I don’t know why but I did.
I felt his fingers brush my neck as he moved my hair out of the way.
“Belle, I know your position. I’ve always thought you were beautiful. We could make this work, just so you know. I’m not the kind of guy who is going to make you some conquest. I’m just offering myself to you, like you could to me.”
I was sort of shocked. I had never been propositioned like this before. Honestly, for a split second, I saw it happening. Maybe I could just get on my hands and knees. Or better yet, just do it there, him behind me, right on the desk.
His lips grazed my neck. “Oh, Belle. I’m so hard right now. Can you feel me?”
Kyle thrust at me and I let out a little yelp. I felt something like a small nub press against me. I grabbed the railing and wished I had ten feet to move forward.
“Kyle, no,” I whispered.
“Don’t say no, Belle. That’s the wrong answer. Look, I won’t tell anyone. I’m really good at sex. I have a lot of money too.”
I wasn’t sure how the two correlated.
“That’s not how it works with me,” I said.
He kissed my neck again and put his hands to my waist. I smelled the alcohol on his breath spread across my neck and it made me shiver. He was drunk. I wasn’t sure how far he would take this or how hard he would push.
I shook my shoulder and Kyle then clamped a hand down on it. I quickly threw an elbow and hit him in the shoulder, knocking him back. That gave me a chance to spin around and face him.
“What the fuck, bitch?” he asked.
I gasped and swung my hand, cracking him across the face. “I said no!”
Kyle grabbed his face. “You know what? Fuck it. Fuck this. People talk about you, Belle. Just know that. They wonder if something is wrong down there on you. That’s why.”
“Fuck yourself, Kyle. Dork.”
“Prude cunt,” he spat and grabbed the door.
Suddenly I was back in high school trying to defend myself with dumb word wars.
I faced the railing again and stared out to the night.
I knew everyone was right. But I still held out for something.
In the distance I heard the rumble of a motorcycle.
I don’t know why, but it made me smile…
I woke up the next morning and made coffee. It turned out I was the only one who spent the night. That made me feel even more awkward. Ashley came downstairs and I poured her a mug of coffee. I knew how she liked it and I then sat across from the table, staring at her.
She raised an eyebrow and I looked away.
“You called Kyle a dork,” she said.
“He called me a cunt.”
“Ouch.”
“Exactly.” I sipped my coffee. “He just came onto me like I was… I don’t know. That’s not how it’s going to happen.”
“Then how?”
“Why is this a big deal? We all have lives and jobs now,” I said. “You and Brett have a wedding to plan. I have my own stuff…”
“Okay,” Ashley said. “I’m sorry. I just… you know, you like to hang out and have fun. Then it just seems there’s something missing.”
“Maybe I should do what Megan said,” I said. “Just go out and bang it out.”
I stood up.
“Hey,” Ashley said. “No. Don’t.”
“I have to go. I have to get ready for work.”
“At the same restaurant since high school,” Ashley said.
“Way to push the knife deeper.”
“I’m sorry then. You’re stuck, Belle. I know a lot of it is because of your father. But you’re not under his watch anymore. You’re an adult. Nothing to worry about or fear.”
“Fair enough. Thanks for the drinks last night and the coffee this morning.”
“Come on, stay. I’ll make something.”
“You have a man in bed,” I said. “Go take care of him.”
“Maybe I already did,” Ashley said with a grin.
Right then I became jealous. And mad. Jealous of Ashley and mad at myself.
“There hasn’t been one time you just… saw someone and said fuck it?” she asked.
“No,” I said.
It was a complete lie.
There was one time… at a bar… a monster of a man…
And the time I saw him again…
But he was the extreme.
I was far from extreme.
I was just extremely desperate.