Accompanying song:

 

 

Summermount Psychiatric Hospital – April 20th, 2013

 

 

When I wake up from an all-consuming sleep, I am alone again. Sebastian has disappeared, but I can still smell his scent on me. I take in a deep breath and look around. My roommate is still gone, her bed empty as if she never slept there. I check the time on my clock. It’s ten a.m., way past breakfast time. I’m late. Shit, I overslept. After last night … Jesus, who wouldn’t have?

“Miss Carrigan, get up!” Someone knocks on my door vehemently. “You’re late!”

“I’m sorry!” I call out as I get up from the bed. The woman barges in while I’m still trying to pull my panties back on. She winces. “You slept in that attire? You know that’s against the rules.”

“I didn’t. Sebastian was here.”

Her eyes widen. Shit. Did I just actually say that? I want to slap myself. I’m still in such a haze; I don’t even know what I’m saying. Now, I’ve made a fool out of myself.

“Miss Carrigan, Sebastian, or however you want to call him, was not here, he did not come to your room, and you certainly haven’t talked to him.”

“Oh, we did so much more than just talking …” I sigh while putting on my pants.

“He. Doesn’t. Exist.”

I frown. I’m getting pissed just looking at her. It’s not often that I get pissed, but I hate people confronting me with things that are none of their business.

“He. Does,” I say.

“Stop lying to yourself.”

“I can prove it.” I pull apart the mattress and the box spring, taking out the box where I keep all the notes I get from Sebastian. I grab a few, get back up, and push them into the palm of her hand. “Here.”

Baffled, she just stares at me like I’m insane or something.

“Well, look at them,” I say.

She picks one up, opens it, and laughs.

She laughs.

I did not expect that.

“You’re not serious, are you?”

“What’s so funny? He gave me those notes.”

“Miss Carrigan …” She places her hand flat on her forehead and chuckles. “You wrote this yourself.”

“What? No, I didn’t.”

“Have you even looked at these?” she says, and then she holds it in front of me.

In shock, I gaze at the paper, my legs trembling, almost giving away. I’m horrified.

“No…” I shake my head, tears welling up in my eyes.

“You did this, and you don’t even remember.” She tucks the notes into her pocket and then walks to my bed, grabs the box, and takes it with her.

“Don’t take those!”

“Miss Carrigan, I have to. You know this isn’t good for you, I have no other choice. You have to start facing the truth.”

I try to fight her for the box, but she pushes me back. “Behave, or I’ll send a guard your way and you’ll be strapped to the bed for the rest of the day!”

She dismisses me with a look that makes me want to scream and tear my hair out.

“I expect to see you at breakfast within five minutes.” With an annoyed stride, she walks out the door and slams it shut behind her.

“Fuck you!” I yell, but it’s no use, since she can’t hear me anymore.

I break down against the door, sniffing, bawling my eyes out while I sink lower and lower, deeper and deeper, into the darkness that resides in my heart. I rummage in my pocket looking for some tissues. Once I grab ahold of something, I take it out, and almost blow my nose with it when I realize it’s not really a tissue. It’s another note. And this time it’s sealed shut with tape.

Fazed, I look at it, wondering what in the hell this all means. With care, I peel the tape, trying not to rip the paper, when a key drops out from underneath. I grab it from the floor and look at it. Something about this key seems very familiar, like I’ve seen it a million times before. I tuck it in my pocket, too curious about the note.

 

Lillith. I hope you had some very sweet, deliciously naughty dreams last night. I cannot stay by your side, but know that I thoroughly enjoyed our time together. Do not fear the future. I do think I have given you enough incentive to bloom again. So let me give you this one last gift to complete your transition. Break free from this place. Make it your choice to look for your own salvation, and don’t listen to what anyone else tells you to believe.

You wanted freedom. Be free.

But do not, under any circumstances, try to find me. Ever.

This is not just a warning.

I saved your life. I could ruin it just the same.

Being with me will destroy you.

Find your own path. Free yourself of the burden to need anyone but yourself in this world. It’s for the best.

 

 

Sebastian Brand.

 

A knot forms in my chest, preventing me from breathing. This note makes me feel ill. This isn’t my handwriting, contrary to what everyone wants me to think. Regardless, this note speaks volumes, but I refuse to believe Sebastian doesn’t want me. He does. I could see it in his eyes, that moment of pure honesty, where I saw a tiny inch of emotion seeping through his heart, dripping into mine. He needs a companion.

Why he writes this—that I have to stay away or he’ll destroy me—baffles me.

Something isn’t right. I can’t … I can’t do what he wants. No matter how much I try to make myself believe I can obey his command—this one time, I can’t do it. I need to be with him.

Taking the key out of my pocket, I realize what I need to do. I finally recognize it, and its purpose is exactly what I need right now. With this, I will escape this institution and find Sebastian so that I can be his forever.

I am insane, and I don’t care.

Illusion or not, I’d rather live a lie than die in here trying to find out what happened to me.

So, I get up and pack my things in a hurry, not stopping to think about the consequences of my decision. The only sin I think about is my heinous selfishness when it comes to Ashley. I am leaving her here, alone, to rot, and I hate it. However, I know I’ll never get past the guards unseen and break her out. It’ll never happen. The only thing I can pray for is that I get out of here without being seen, and that one day I can come back here to get her out.

Making a cross on my chest, I swear to her with a whisper that I will get her away from here one day, using whatever means necessary. I will make this right.