Jet

I’m a sucker for those big eyes and little dimples when he smiles. Alfie got his wish. After we finish two scoops of ice cream with whipped cream and chocolate sauce, I sit back and rub my stomach. “Not sure I’m going to have room for dinner now.”

Alfie mimics me, even groaning a little like I did. “Yeah, I might just hit the hay.”

I laugh. He’s got a good sense of humor. “It’s been a big day. You okay?”

“I guess. I—” He looks around the living room.

I don’t live in a particularly nice house, but it’s been home for a few years. Affordable. Decent neighborhood. Low bills that allow me to live alone instead of with my brothers, who share a place a few miles away. I never needed much but looking at him makes me want to give him more. “You what, buddy?”

His shoulders sag, and he looks down at his lap, his fingers twisting the hem of his shirt. “Hannah said I should be grateful to have so many people who love me. I got uncles too, but . . .”

“But?”

“I miss my mom.”

“I’m sure you do. I lost my mom too. I know it hurts a lot.” I pull him close just as he begins to sniffle. His head is tucked against my side, and I add, “We don’t know each other well, but I’m here for you, Alfie. I’m not just your dad, but also a friend. You can talk to me about anything, including your mom and your feelings.”

He looks up, tears welling over his bottom lids and falling down his cheeks. “My mommy said if I didn’t have her, I’d have you; that you and Hannah would take care of me.”

Comments like this and the “lucky to have you” one from the other day surprise me, considering all the bad things Hannah’s been told about me. Cassie apparently hated me, but she didn’t turn our kid against me. I guess I should be thankful for small favors.

I still wish I could have been there for him, for her even, all along. Been there when she got sick. Met Hannah the way we should have. Maybe then things wouldn’t be like they are now. “I will. We’re in this together.” I hope Hannah and I can work together.

He asks, “What’s this?”

“Life.”

“We’re in life together?”

“Yes. Our blood bonds us. The blood that runs through me runs through you. That makes us family. And family always sticks together.”

For a little kid, he seems to have a deep understanding beyond his years. He nods, a shared knowing look between us.

The stress from today must just be too much because the sugar rush never comes. When he yawns, I check the time. Just after eight. Hannah would flip if she knew he was up this late. “C’mon, I think that ice cream can tide you over until tomorrow. It’s late, and it’s been a long day. Time for bed.”

We make our way to his room. As he stands in the center, I open his bag and dig out his toothbrush and paste. “Bathroom’s across the hall. Are you potty trained?”

“I’m not a baby,” he replies defensively.

Throwing my hands up in surrender, I try to restrain my smile. “Okay. Okay. I didn’t know.”

While he brushes his teeth, I pull his nightlight out and plug it in. His stuffed Snoopy is tossed on the bed, and pajamas are set out. We muddle through the routine without issue, and when he climbs into bed, I kneel next to him. “Hey Alfie?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m new to all this dad stuff. Maybe you can help me out and show me the ropes to parenting a big boy.”

“Didn’t your dad show you?”

“Long story for another day.”

His hand touches my nose and then his own. “Will my nose be big like yours?”

Reactively grabbing my nose, I ask, “Is it that big?”

He giggles his answer. “Bigger than mine.”

I tap his nose. “That is a fact. As for size, I think yours will grow to be the size you’re meant to have.”

“You’re tall. Uncle Tulsa and Uncle Rivers are tall. Mom was small like Hannah. Will I be big or small?”

“Only time will tell. The one thing I do know is that we won’t find out tonight. We can measure you tomorrow and start keeping track, but you need to get some sleep tonight.”

“I didn’t make ramen noodles. Since we’re in life together, I can make them tomorrow.”

Chuckling, I pull the covers higher to his chin. “Yes, we’re in life together.” I kiss the top of his head and kneel back. It reminds me of how my mom used to kiss my head at bedtime, and how much I missed that once I was too old for her to do it. How much I missed when she told me she loved me. Alfie will never receive that kiss from his mom again or hear her tell him she loves him, and it breaks my heart. Technically, I’ve only known him minutes, but already, he’s in my heart. “Is it too soon to tell you I love you?”

“Mommy told me that you should always tell people you love them if you feel it. I wish I could tell her.”

“Don’t worry, buddy. She knows.” Kissing his head, I say, “I love you.”

“I like you, Jet.”

I smile. We’ll get there in time. “Good night.”

“Night.”

After shutting the door, I walk back into the living room and stand there, not sure what I’m supposed to do. Is this what it’s like to be a parent? Never knowing what to do next and winging it day by day?

I look back toward the bedroom where Alfie is sleeping. A week ago, I thought we’d lost the biggest opportunity of our lives. Johnny Outlaw was there and then gone the next song.

When Hannah walked in, the words she said would change my life forever—you have a son—and I realized right then the opportunity I had been given.

Just a week after meeting him, I’m now worrying daily about the son I want to get to know and how I’m going to provide for him. I can’t scrape by anymore. It’s not just about me. If the advance from Outlaw Records isn’t enough, do I give up my dreams to give my kid what he needs?

Yes is the only answer.

I’ll do whatever I need to do. I’ll do everything my father never did.

My phone buzzes with a text. When I look down, I see Hannah’s name. Seeing it flash on my screen reminds me of the sadness I’m used to seeing in her eyes. I feel it inside me. Despite the good of discovering that this little person exists in my world, something missing still remains.

The text buzzes again. How’s Alfie settling in?

She’s tenacious. It’s only been three hours since she saw him, so I can already tell this woman is going to drive me mad. I may be new at this parenting thing, but damn, give me a chance to screw up before you harass me.

Before I have time to respond, a shadow crosses my front window. Tossing my phone on the couch, I open the door, and find the woman taking up too many of my thoughts pacing my porch. “Can’t resist me?” I wing it with a bad line.

“You wish,” Hannah snaps, stopping and crossing her arms over her chest.

Leaning against the doorframe, I mimic her arm position, and smirk. “Then to what do I owe the displeasure?”

“I was worried about Alfie. You didn’t text me.”

My brow shoots to the sky. “I didn’t know I was supposed to. Anyway, you didn’t give me much of a chance.” My annoyance comes out with a sigh. “For the record, he’s fine.” Refusing to give her ammo against me on night one, I give her all she needs, “We had dinner, and he went to bed.”

Her body loses the fight, and she appears to relax for the first time since the night we first met. She’s been so uptight this last week, understandably so, but I still don’t think it’s warranted. I’m tempted to offer her a beer and some company, but I’m not sure that’s a good idea, though. “I should go back inside. It’s getting late.”

“You don’t normally play until after ten. Eight thirty must be early for you.”

The little hint of sarcasm in her tone betrays the curiosity in her eyes. Sliding my hands into my pockets, I drop my defenses. “I don’t want to argue with you, Hannah.”

“I shouldn’t have come here. I just . . . I was thinking about Cassie.”

“I’ve been thinking about her a lot as well.”

Her eyes close and reopen with what looks like tears filling them. “She was an amazing mother. She would push herself harder than she should have in the end just to be there for him as much as she could.”

I’m starting to see the crack in her armor. “I’m sorry for your loss.”

“I thought I would feel better if I was close to him because I miss him already.”

“This is new territory for both of us. We have to work together for the next sixty days, but I need you to let me get to know Alfie. I had the first six years taken from me, so I want this time with him to matter. I need it to build our relationship.”

“You’re right. You deserve that. I’m sorry.”

“It’s all right that you’re here. He was good tonight and settled in easily. It could have been the opposite, and it might be tomorrow, but we’re all taking it day by day.” Looking at her car in my driveway, I realize she remembered the way. “It’s good to see you again.”

The nicety seems to give her pause, but as if the weight of the world returns, she squares her body to me. “I shouldn’t have come. I don’t know what I was thinking.” She rushes for the steps.

“Hey, Hannah?”

Keeping her back to me, she looks over her shoulder.

“I won’t keep him from you.”

Her gaze moves ahead of her when she turns away. “Thanks,” she whispers. I’m tempted to say more just to see her eyes again, but then she leaves.

At one time, I had the nerve to ask her to stay. She didn’t. This time, I don’t ask, and I don’t watch her leave. I move inside, lock the door behind me, and then decide to make the most of a rare night at home. I go to bed because I have a feeling I’m going to be up early.