Chapter Eighteen
A sound woke Ross from a deep sleep. Rolling over he caught a pale gleam of skin in the corner of his bedroom before Viv shrugged on her sweatshirt, covering the tiny angel wing tattoo on her back. She already wore jeans.
“What time is it?” he murmured, and she jumped, then glanced over her shoulder.
“Sorry, I was trying not to wake you. I’m just heading to the sofa bed.”
They’d fallen asleep with the bedside lamp still on. He glanced at the clock beside it. Two in the morning. “We’ve got a few hours before the kids wake up. I’ll set the alarm for half past five if you’re worried.”
“It’s not the kids,” she said. Hesitated. “Actually, I have this kind of rule.”
Rule? Viv? Curious, Ross propped himself up on one arm. “Let’s hear it.”
“I don’t sleep over with guys I have sex with.”
“To stop them getting ideas?”
“Not that it’s an issue with you,” she hastened to add. “But it’s become sort of a habit of mine…like Salsa turning three times each way in his basket before he settles. I hope you don’t mind.”
If anything he was intrigued. Fluffing up the pillows, Ross cupped his hands behind his head. “And all your lovers happily go along with this?”
Viv frowned. “We’re not talking a cast of thousands.” Her gaze drifted to his biceps. “But, yes, they do. Normally, I make sure it’s covered off before we do the deed—you caught me by surprise.”
He was very glad to hear it. Ross patted the empty space beside him. “Best fill me in on how this works going forward. I wouldn’t want to inadvertently infringe on any of your regulations.”
Her eyes narrowed. “Are you making fun of me?”
“Hell, no.” Ross feigned hurt. “I’m all about structure and forward planning, you know that.”
“That’s true,” she acknowledged. “You are rather anal.”
She’d pay for that. Maybe Ross was a stickler for rules but he always established their value first. As she approached the bed, he moved over—ostensibly to give Viv more room and the sheet fell to his hips. Decent only if you didn’t look.
Viv dragged her gaze to his face.
“So,” he prompted. “Your rules.”
She perched on the bed. “The reason I broke it off with Jean Paul was because he didn’t understand that I need my freedom.”
The Frenchman who needed his head read for getting involved with the woman Ross had just taken to bed and potentially risked his relationship with Charlie for. The situation stopped being quite so funny.
“I generally emphasize that any relationship with me is transitory,” she explained. “The truth is, I’m not all that hot on living up to people’s expectations, so by spelling that out at the start, no one gets hurt.”
“I’ve already learned to have no expectations where you’re concerned,” he said. “You only confound them.”
She gave him a femme fatale smile, the one irresistibly mixed with mischief. “Good.”
Reaching out a hand, Ross traced that smile. “So what do you usually do the morning after?”
“I’m not there the morning after,” she reminded him.
“Then let me tell you what I would do if a woman stayed over. I’d make her breakfast…because she’d need her strength built up and the only reason you’re smiling now is because we didn’t get to round two yet because we both fell asleep.”
He slid a hand under her sweatshirt, stroked it over the swell of her breast and felt the nipple peak. “Of course, you could leave before breakfast but I don’t think Attila and Harry or Salsa would be too happy about that. And I did promise to take the kids to see the gannet colony before you went home, but I’m sure they’ll understand that the Cinderella rules come first.”
He moved his hand to her other breast, watching her gaze become unfocused. “Except—damn it—in the afternoon I’ve been suckered into helping with Tilly’s soccer training, but other than that I’ll be sure to keep a respectful distance.”
Viv pressed against his hand. He loved her sexual confidence. “Okay, in this context maybe the rules sound a little ridiculous,” she conceded, her own fingers starting to explore. “But you must appreciate the intent. You’ve spent the last week nagging me to be careful.”
Ross nuzzled her neck, breathing her in. “You being careful,” he said, “is a major turn-on.” Usually he was the one with the exit strategy. “And I completely respect your autonomy, but right now I’m also extremely interested in getting you naked again.”
She shivered under his kisses, pushing him onto the mattress. Her jeans rasped deliciously against his cock as she straddled him. Her eyes were dark, her hair tumbled around the faded sweatshirt and under it her nipples were tight peaks in his palm.
Ross experienced a moment of disquiet. He felt like a snowman feeling the first thaw of spring, surely this kind of heat didn’t bode well.
He caught Viv’s hips and stilled her sensuous movements. “Maybe you should be passing on some of your rules for self-restraint to your twin,” he said. “Did you know she’s been having phone sex with her husband? Charlie told me.”
“I suspected as much when I dropped him off at the airport this morning. I only just stopped him from kissing me.”
Ross didn’t like that; didn’t like his brother ogling her.
Viv sobered. “Ross, after what happened today, I’m going to try and talk Merry into telling Charlie the truth. To be honest, I’ve been having second thoughts since Charlie asked for a reconciliation. I ignored them because Merry was so desperate to keep the swap going and,” she pulled a face, “I’m a sucker for my sister’s approval. But also because I couldn’t see a way of fixing this without someone getting hurt.”
“And now you have a win-win for everybody?”
She nodded. “For Merry, Charlie and the children. Assuming she agrees.”
“Go tomorrow,” he said, relieved. “I’ll handle the kids and Tilly’s soccer training.”
“Can you spare the time?”
He liked how she took his rehab schedule seriously. “I need a rest day from running.” His leg still hurt from this afternoon’s jog. “And the kids love playing in the weight room.”
A slow smile curved her lips. “I’d kinda like to play in the weight room, too, some time. I’ve always had this fantasy…”
“Yeah?” He pushed up between her thighs, watched her register his hardness. “Hot, sweaty gym grunters do it for you?” He imagined her under him on the weight bench, spine arched as he thrust into her. Lost a little more self-control. His hands tightened around her hips. “What the hell am I going to do with you,” he asked half-seriously.
Smiling, Viv pulled off her sweatshirt. “Taking my jeans off would be a good start.”
* * *
Viv didn’t warn Merry she was coming, strolling into her hospital room at about two with a big smile, a steely determination and a sinking heart.
“Surprise!”
Her twin’s head jerked around and Viv saw she held a cell to her ear. Merry’s eyes widened in unmistakable dismay, and then she held a finger to her lips. “Uh-huh… Listen, I’ve just seen our little guy heading for the cat door…have to go…” She glanced away from Viv and lowered her voice. “You know I do. Enjoy the next conference session.”
She cut the connection. “What’s happened?”
“Nothing, the kids are with Ross.” She decided not to tell Merry about the accident at day care. That was Viv’s burden, not her sister’s. “How’s my husband?”
“Fine. I tell you now, Viv, if you’ve only come to repeat Dan’s arguments you can save your breath.”
“And hello to you, too.”
Merry had the grace to look sheepish. “Sorry.” She opened her arms. The sisters embraced. “I keep forgetting you’re on my side. And thank you—” Merry’s arms tightened “—for all your awesome miracle work over the past week.”
“Make this harder, why don’t you?”
“What does that mean?”
“Nothing, it’s great to see you.”
Stepping away, she gave her sister a critical once-over. “Pink-cheeked, certainly more pep, shine in your hair…you must be having phone sex.”
Merry blushed. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Uh-huh.” Viv chanced a quick look at the surgical scar in the open cast and shuddered. “I’m assuming that’s a better color?”
“I’m getting a closed cast tomorrow. Finally, Viv, it’s all coming together. I just told Charlie that I’m cleaning the gutters on the garage. Cue a fall from the ladder, and he’ll return from his conference to find me recuperating at home.”
“Won’t he think it strange that you didn’t phone him immediately?”
“I’ll say I didn’t want to distract him from his committee responsibilities during their conference.”
Viv cleared her throat. “About responsibilities.”
“I need you to talk Ross into saying he took the children when I had my fall and then kept them overnight,” Merry continued. “It will seem odd if he’s not involved. Oh, and I’ve checked—there’s a flight to the States at noon on Monday. I figure the kids and I can manage alone for a couple of hours until Charlie arrives home.”
Too bad if Viv wasn’t ready to go. But she’d already made up her mind to do this. When the swap began she didn’t have a vested interest As she’d told Ross at the time, her motives were pure. Lately, she’d been letting her need to bond with her twin override her conscience. It was time to practice what she preached.
Merry was still talking. “You won’t be able to come home for six months at least—as a safety margin—and you’ll need to dye your hair again. Looking the same as me is too dangerous.” She paused to take a breath, and Viv seized her opportunity.
“Mere, I agree with Dan…you have to tell Charlie. No, don’t pull a face and get all prickly. I think I’ve earned the right to an opinion, don’t you?”
“Yes,” Merry said grudgingly. “Just don’t go sensible on me now.”
“Actually,” Viv smiled, “I’ve been sensible off and on for years.”
“How would I know if you’ve changed? It’s not as if we’ve spent much time together over the last decade.”
“Now tell me how I stole all the nutrients in utero again.”
“What?”
“Not important.” Viv pulled up a chair. “Did it ever occur to you that you might be eaten up with guilt once the euphoria of being together fades? Eventually you’ll blurt out the truth to Charlie. But the longer you wait, the worse the repercussions will be.”
“Except—”
“Let the best-sister-ever-whose-advice-you’ll-never-doubt-again finish.”
Merry nodded reluctantly.
“At the same time,” Viv continued, “I think Ross and Dan are crazy expecting you to come clean without a plan to minimize the fallout. Surely if the two of us are smart enough to sell Charlie a lie, we’re smart enough to sell him the truth?”
Her twin folded her arms. “Go on.”
“The guy loves you, Mere.” Viv watched her sister’s face soften. “I’ve learned that these past few days. And Linda’s death has given him a new perspective. I really believe he’ll come around, particularly if we convince him this is all my fault.” She hadn’t told Ross this part of her plan because she suspected he’d disagree with it. Viv wasn’t too fond of it herself.
“It is all your fault.”
“That’s what I said. Of course you have a teeny tiny bit of culpability in letting me believe Charlie was the cheater, hence my initial rush to defend you against Ross, but let’s not split hairs. So, here’s how we sell it.”
She ticked the points off on her fingers as she said, “I talked you into going to the interview, I talked you into the deception, and you played along not only to protect Charlie in his time of grief but because your painkillers—” Viv made a mental note to check whether the hospital used medicinal marijuana “—left you dazed and confused. In short, you had impaired judgment. Now your medication’s been reduced, your head has cleared and you’re understandably horrified by what you’ve been a party to and… Why are you shaking your head?”
“Except Charlie and I have been talking…a lot over the past few days. He knows I’m lucid.”
That’s right, the phone sex. She’d forgotten her sister hadn’t stuck to the plan. “Damn it, Merry, why couldn’t you have played it cool like we agreed.”
“You don’t understand how it feels to be crazy in love.”
“You’re not the only one with something to lose here,” Viv said quietly. “Charlie’s going to hate me. I’m risking access to your kids, access to Ross.”
“What do you mean access to Ross?” Her twin’s gaze narrowed. “Viv, you didn’t.”
“I admit the timing’s not—”
“And you called me irresponsible,” Merry interrupted, her eyes kindling. “Now I understand why you’re here.” She laughed bitterly. “Silly me for believing this whole sisters-standing-together speech. Trying to persuade me to tell Charlie is all about getting on side with your old crush. You’ve always ditched me when someone more interesting came along.”
“That is too ridiculous to grace with a reply.” Viv gathered in air to fuel one. “What the hell do you think I’ve been doing this past week other than being there for you?” How could Merry not understand what it was costing her to make this offer? “But that doesn’t matter, does it? Because there’s always some guilt trip you can lay on me from our childhood.” The closeness Viv had fondly imagined they were building was a sham.
“And yes, actually, I did prefer other people’s company to yours and you know why?” She leaned forward. “Because I didn’t have to worry about them running to tattletale back to Mum and Dad every five minutes to reinforce their position as Goody Two-shoes favorite!”
Merry gasped. “Maybe I tattled to stop you getting into even worse trouble…did you ever think of that? And I was a Goody Two-shoes because I knew our parents couldn’t handle any more pressure than Hurricane Viv was already giving them.”
“I am so sick of everything that went wrong in our family somehow being my fault!” Viv shot back. “As long as I was there to take the blame, none of you had to deal with your own issues. Like Mum and Dad being married to someone they shouldn’t be, or your anal-compulsive need for approval.” Momentarily she stalled. Hadn’t she just struggled with that? No, they were nothing alike.
The chair toppled backward as she stood. “Maybe my acting out was a release for the tension of living with unhappy parents, ever think of that, Miss I’m-so-sensitive? Honestly, if it wasn’t for Dan, I would have gone crazy. And I may be a screwup but at least I don’t have to bring someone else down! Everyone you love has to meet the same impossible standards you set yourself or be crushed by your disappointment.
“Charlie said as much when he asked for another chance.” Viv mimicked her brother-in-law. “‘How did I shrink from a person you could look up to and respect into another kid that needing looking after?’ The poor bastard doesn’t understand yet that nothing he ever does will be good enough for you!”
“What would you know about maintaining a relationship?” Merry pushed herself upright. “You can’t even commit to three-minute noodles. You can’t even commit to a weekly phone call to your twin. No, I get to talk to you twice a month if I’m lucky, if I do all the work. So don’t act as if it’s going to be a sacrifice giving up contact with Tilly and Harry. You’ve never shown more than a cursory interest in them or anyone other than yourself!”
Hot tears stung Viv’s eyes. She blinked them away and fell into her defensive childhood position. Pretending not to care. “Fine,” she said coldly. “It’s my bad. It’s always been my bad. Make me the scapegoat like you’ve done all our lives. But do it alone, Mere. I. Am. Done.” Grabbing her bag, she stormed to the door, nearly colliding with the irate duty nurse.
“What on earth is going on here? We can hear shouting at the nurses’ station.”
“My twin’s reverting to type,” Merry said bitterly. “Abandoning me to sink or swim.”
“Oh, I have no doubt you’ll float,” Viv retorted. “Just use your overinflated sense of superiority.”
* * *
Ross heard Meredith’s electric garage door rumble open at eight, thirty minutes after he’d put the kids to bed. He’d already guessed that Viv wouldn’t want them seeing her upset, which was why she’d returned home so late.
He switched off the TV remote. Having talked down one distraught woman, he fully expected to need to soothe another, but Viv entered the living room with a bright smile.
“Sorry I’m later than expected.” She dropped her keys and bag on the coffee table. “How was Tilly’s soccer game? Did Harry go down okay?”
Ross didn’t do preamble. “Meredith’s been phoning almost every hour.”
Still smiling, Viv met his gaze. “Of course she has.” The ancient Greeks constructed their shields by overlapping layers of hardened leather, left unpainted if the owner was an exile. Her eyes were exactly that impervious brown. “So,” she added lightly, “you’re up with the play then.”
Maybe preamble was a good idea. “I saved dinner for you.”
“I’m not hungry.”
“Tea?”
“I’m not thirsty.”
“Then let’s talk about this.”
With a humorless laugh, Viv kicked off her twin’s sensible shoes. “Hey, you have Merry’s side of the story. That’s all that counts. I’m self-centered, egotistical and unreliable.” Hauling her hair loose from her ponytail, Viv flicked her fingers through it with short, sharp strokes. “Thank God she reminded me before I did something stupid like ruin my life for her.” She strode down the hall toward the spare room.
A minute later, he heard the squeak of suitcase wheels. Ross went to the doorway. “So that’s it, then? Vivienne Jansen is giving up.”
“Yep.” Pulling the red suitcase, she marched past him. “I gave it my best and it’s still not good enough. Well, I’m done. I’m leaving her to it. There’s an eleven o’clock flight to L.A. I’m sure I can pick up a connection to New York.”
He followed her into the master bedroom, where she flung the suitcase on the bed.
Unzipping it, Viv pulled out some of her own clothes, then started to strip. Off came her sister’s easy fit denims, the pink collared shirt. Folding them carefully, she hurled them into the open wardrobe. The underwear had to be Viv’s own, a matching set of black lace and red velvet stripes, which he suspected had been intended for him when she’d come home to change this morning. Ross tried not to let it distract him.
“This is crazy.”
“I’m running true to form then. You can tell Charlie the whole sorry saga, or phone Dan to come and take over the kids…I don’t care what happens anymore.” Roughly, she tugged on black denim leggings, then shrugged on a gray mohair-knit sweater. “Tilly needs to take a permission slip for a school outing tomorrow. Harry only likes the sippy cup with a hippo on it. His backup blankie’s in the dryer.” She clipped a thin gold chain around her hips as though donning armor but struggled with the clasp.
“Viv,” he said.
“Stow the guilt straight into the suitcase,” she instructed. “There’s always room for more, according to my sister. Apparently I’m responsible for everything that goes wrong in her life.” Sitting on the bed, she yanked on a knee-high suede boot.
Argument would be useless until she’d calmed down.
She glanced up suspiciously. “What, no lecture?”
“I didn’t think you wanted my opinion.”
“I don’t.” Viv yanked on the other boot and stood, all despair and hostility.
He folded his arms. “That’s what I figured.”
“Good!” She emptied the bureau drawer, stuffing fistfuls of underwear down the sides of the suitcase. “Merry will work something out, and if she doesn’t you or Dan will…I refuse to feel guilty about this.”
Moving between the en suite bathroom and bedroom, she gathered toiletries and makeup. “I’m twenty-nine years old. I don’t need to take this crap from my twin anymore.” She grabbed one of the lipsticks, crossed to the mirror and applied it with slashing strokes.
Ross recognized the shade as the one she’d worn at Linda’s. Poppy-red. The lipstick smudged.
“Damn it!” Angrily she reached for a tissue and scrubbed at the mistake. “Anyway, the kids will be so much better off without my subversive influence. Hell, I’ve already corrupted your ethics so my work here is done.”
“And an excellent job you did, too. Let me know if you need a reference.”
Her gaze met his in the mirror, bright with defiance and unshed tears.
The defiance won. “Dang, I’m good. I even taught you how to crack jokes at inappropriate moments.” Tossing aside the lipstick, she dug in a jewelry case.
“If you’re such a bad role model,” Ross commented, “Why is Meredith raising her daughter to be exactly like you?”
“Is that meant to make me feel better?” Viv pulled out a pair of large hoop earrings.
“Independent, a free-thinker, opinionated, resistant to social pressure.”
She didn’t reply but her hands started trembling so she couldn’t thread the metal catch into her ear and she gave up and shoved the earrings into the case.
Ross persisted. “Is it really unfixable? Meredith doesn’t think so.”
Viv snorted. “Only because my leaving jeopardizes her precious plans for Charlie.”
Digging in the suitcase, she dragged out a black jacket, scarf and crumpled hat. She punched the latter into shape, a gray felt cowboy’s Stetson with a black hatband, put it on and tilted it on a jaunty angle. Under the brim her eyes were bleak. He hated seeing her hurt like this, hated being shut out.
“So is this the end of the affair?” he asked quietly.
“Technically, we didn’t get past a one-night stand.”
He didn’t reply and a blush stained her cheeks. “Anyway, you should be glad to see the last of me,” she added gruffly. “I’ve made your life tougher, taken you away from training, jeopardized your relationship with Charlie…and at least my leaving will force Merry to come clean.”
“And yet I don’t want you to go,” he said. “I guess you really have brought me over to the dark side.”
She dropped her gaze, hiding her expression under her hat brim, but her throat swallowed convulsively. “Please don’t make this harder.”
“I won’t lock you in the bathroom if that’s what you’re worried about.”
With an attempt at a smile, she picked up her coat and slung the scarf around her neck. “I would only have climbed out the window anyway.”
“Then it’s clear you’ve made your choice.”
That brought her head up. “This isn’t my choice,” she insisted. “Merry’s made it impossible for me to stay…you must see that.”
What he saw was a woman who’d regret this when she cooled off. “Impossible isn’t in Vivienne Jansen’s vocabulary.”
She straightened the glossy black beads on the scarf’s tassels. “I can’t let her affect me like this anymore, Ross,” she said in a shaky voice. “It’s taken years to stop being guilty for wanting my own life and she’s never going to forgive me for that, so what’s the point? I don’t have any reserves left.” She reached for the suitcase handle and he put a hand over hers.
“I’ll take it.”
“Thank you.”
He didn’t move his hand. “Will you ask yourself one question for me?”
Her fingers trembled under his. “What?”
“Disregard what Merry thinks. Disregard what I think. Instead find a way past all the hurt and anger and bitterness and ask yourself how much resolving this matters to you.”
Viv didn’t answer until she was sure she wasn’t going to burst into tears. For long minutes she struggled with a lifetime of walking away as an escape from hurt and pain and things she really believed she couldn’t cope with.
“It goes back to the womb, Ross,” she finally rasped through a constricted throat. “She even blames me for making her malnourished, for God’s sake.” Her hand turned to tighten convulsively on his, then released. “I’m sorry, but I’ve got to protect myself.”
“At least you know,” he said.
“I’ll phone for a taxi outside.” Blindly, she wheeled her suitcase past him to the front door and opened it. “It’s been fun!”
Ross bent to kiss her goodbye and she moved her face so his lips brushed her cheek because she’d be a fool to make this harder than it already was. Which was why she wasn’t going near the children.
He caught her in a hug so hard she thought he might crush her heart. “It’s okay,” he said. “I get it. Goodbye, Viv.”