She is in a state of shock at the rage and the violence Wesley is capable of. Of course she had known that he isn’t exactly a boy scout, but seeing it play out in real time, right in front of her, is a completely different thing.
He kneels down between her legs, his hands on her thighs, warming her through and it’s only then she realizes she’s shivering so hard her teeth are chattering.
“You’re in shock.” His voice is calm, as if he’s seen this reaction a million times before. “It’s all right, Bel. You’re all right.” He rubs her thighs, trying to get some heat back into her body.
Isabel nods dully, wondering if she is ever going to be all right again. A man had tried to rape her at knifepoint and then she’d seen Wesley unleash the fury he holds within him. If she hadn’t stopped him, there’s no doubt in her mind that he would have killed the other man.
“Isabel, look at me.” He lifts her chin so that she meets his eyes. “He won’t be coming back.” The certainty in his voice is enough to convince her. Besides, she’d seen the look on Jimmy’s face, it was clear that he isn’t going to try his luck with Wesley again. The man may have been psychotic but he didn’t seem to have a death wish.
She nods again, gathering herself together, focusing on him. He holds her face between his hands, looking up at her tenderly and in that instant, Isabel knows she’s not going to like what he’s about to say.
“I have to go.” The look in his eyes tells her that whatever decision he’s made, he’s made it without her.
“Where?” She bites her lip as she feels the tears rising at the back of her eyes.
“Anywhere but here.” The finality of his words makes her wish she hadn’t asked. He strokes her cheek and she leans into his touch, but before she can say anything he’s already up on his feet, grabbing his bag from the closet.
She watches him open drawers and fill the bag with the few possessions he’d brought with him and realization dawns. “You’re leaving now?” She had thought they would at least have some time together, that he wouldn’t just walk out immediately, after everything that had just happened.
His back is to her. He doesn’t turn around. “It has to be now, Isabel. The longer I stay here, the worse things will be for you. You’re a target now. The Dogs know who you are and they know they can get to me through you.” He shakes his head. “I can’t let anything like tonight happen again. If you had been hurt, I would never have forgiven myself. Never.”
“And don’t I get any kind of a say in this at all? Don’t I get to decide what I’m willing to sign up for?” Isabel walks up to stand behind him, within touching distance. “Aren’t you even going to look me in the eye?”
He sighs deeply and turns around, his gaze latching onto hers and the pain in his face makes her wish he hadn’t. “You think I want to leave? Do you think it’s easy for me to walk out on the best thing that’s ever happened to me?” He crosses the distance between them, pulling her close to him.
“Then stay.” Isabel’s voice is quiet as she leans her head against his chest, breathing in the scent of him, feeling the comforting warmth of his body against hers.
He holds onto her tightly and, for a moment, Isabel thinks she might have convinced him, that there might be a chance for them after all. But then he releases her, stepping back as if to separate himself from temptation. It’s just as hard for him to be near her without touching as it is for her.
“I can’t, Bel.” Frustrated, he rakes his fingers through his dark hair. “If I stay, you’ll just get wrapped up in all this again. I can’t have that. And it wouldn’t just be you; it would be this house, everything your mother worked for, everything you’ve been trying to keep afloat.” He gestures around vaguely. “All this would be at risk, Bel. They don’t stop until they get what they want; it doesn’t matter who or what gets destroyed in the process.”
Isabel shakes her head, wanting to tell him it doesn’t matter, that it’s just a house, that it’s not important, that she’s willing to run the risk for him, for them. But she can’t form the words because she knows he’s right and that’s what makes this all so much harder. She knows her mother’s legacy – that house – can’t be the target of anything, not if she has any hopes of keeping the place up and running. It’s the only thing she really has left of her mother; she can’t afford to lose it.
The rational side of her brain reminds her she had never expected this to work out. There are too many odds stacked against them, too many reasons they can’t be together. She had known there isn’t a future for them, not really. But if that is true, why does she feel such an aching sense of loss in her heart?
“Thank you.” Isabel’s voice cracks so she tries again. “Thank you for coming to save me.”
She watches as his shoulders slump at her words. He wipes the tears away that she hadn’t even realized are coursing down her face.
“I told you no one was going to hurt you and I meant it.” He lifts her chin so she looks up at him. “Your safety is the most important thing to me and, right now, the safest place for you is as far away from me as possible.” He looks down at her, his eyes filled with something that looks a lot like love.
“Why does this have to be so hard?” She bites her lip, trying to keep the tears at bay. The last thing she wants is for his last image of her to be of a quivering wreck.
Wesley looks up at the ceiling, as if he might find some kind of answer there. Eventually he looks back down at her. “You know how much I care about you, right? You know I’m crazy about you.” He looks at her intently, reverently, trying to communicate with his eyes all that he’s feeling.
“But it’s not enough, is it?” There’s no accusation in Isabel’s voice, just a realization of the facts of the case.
“If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t be so sure I have to leave, Bel. You understand that, don’t you?” He holds her head in between his hands, a man on the edge of despair.
She nods slowly. The logical, objective part of her brain knows that what he’s saying makes sense, but at the moment her heart is doing all the talking and it just wants him to stay.
He leans down, covering her lips with his, tasting every part of her mouth, exploring her as if it is their first kiss. She clutches him to her, matching his desperation with her own. It’s as if they’re trying to imprint the each other’s shape onto their own bodies, as if they’re trying to make it impossible to forget.
Eventually, they both come up for air. Wesley leans his forehead against hers. “You take care of yourself, Bel.”
She nods, afraid if she speaks, the pretense of calm she’s hanging onto by her fingernails will shatter. He steps away from her, picking up his bag. Before he opens the door, he turns around and looks at her as if he’s about to say something. She holds her breath, barely daring to breathe, hoping against hope that he’s going to say there’s no way he can leave her, that he can’t live without her. She opens her mouth to say the words to him, to tell him she’s never felt like this before, that she needs him. But he’s already gone, slipping out the door silently, as if he’s never been there at all.
Isabel sinks down onto the floor the moment that he’s out of sight, her legs no longer able to keep her upright. She gathers her knees to her chest, hugging herself, trying to get rid of the cold that seems to have invaded her from the inside. He hadn’t made any promises, hadn’t said anything about coming back. She has no idea if she will ever see him again.
Letting him go is the hardest thing she’s ever had to do. It is right up there with watching her mother fade away in a hospital bed and not being able to do a damn thing about it. He hadn’t broken any vows to her; he hadn’t lied or given her any false hope. She can’t accuse him of that. She had created her own illusions, her own fairytale ending for a story that was never going to have a happily ever after.
Her life will go on without him. She knows that. She will carry on her day to day, running the boarding house, trying to keep the place afloat. She will think about going back to medical school and maybe one day she even might actually do it. She isn’t going to die because he had walked out. Losing someone you care about isn’t terminal; she had learned that lesson the hard way. But the knowledge of that doesn’t do anything to assuage the choking hurt in her chest.
She can’t help but think that she’s destined for the people that she loves most to leave her.