MAXIM

“You survived.” Ellen grinned and handed me an envelope with cash stuffed inside. “Here you go. It’s a little more than a hundred bucks. Sorry it’s not more, but it was kind of slow tonight. Eventually I’ll pay you weekly, but for now I’ll pay you at the end of your shifts.”

I couldn’t believe it. A hundred bucks, right now? That was a quarter of my rent to Derek! Even better, it was the first money I’d made in the U.S. I thumbed through it in disbelief, wishing I didn’t need this money and could frame it as my first big achievement here. Ellen might not think a hundred bucks was a big deal, but I felt rich. And so, so grateful. In fact, I had to turn away from her, scared I might actually tear up. “Ellen, thank you so much. You have no idea how glad I am to have this job.”

“Of course. What are friends for? I hope it wasn’t too terrible.”

“Not at all.” I’d been so busy the first few hours, the time had flown. I spent most of the time assisting Ellen behind the bar, washing glasses, refilling ice, running down to the basement to get more beer and wine, and occasionally taking food orders to tables if the wait staff was slammed. The last couple hours I’d spent helping Ellen clean up and restocking the bar, with only a quick break for dinner.

“We can take off now. My other manager is going to close up.”

“Okay. What do I owe you for the shirts?” When we’d arrived, she’d given me two black T-shirts with the bar’s logo on them. One I’d put on right away, and the other was folded under my arm, along with the shirt I’d worn here.

“Nothing.” She laughed. “That’s your uniform.”

She called goodnight to the staff that was left and we went out the back door to where her car was parked.

“Jump in,” she said, opening the driver’s side door of a beat-up Jeep.

“You don’t lock your doors?” I went around to the passenger side and attempted to get in, but first Ellen had to throw a bunch of things that had been on the seat into the back—water bottles, coffee cups, clothing, shoes, plastic bags.

“Nah. What for?” She started the car as I buckled up. “Nothing worth stealing in here, and if someone wants this piece of shit badly enough, they can have it.”

I laughed. “You are so different from Derek.”

“Oh Jesus, his car is ridiculous. You could eat off the floor.” She backed out of her parking spot. “Not that he lets anyone eat in it. And he practically has heart palpitations any time he has to ride in mine.”

I couldn’t resist asking more about him. “Was he always so neat and organized? Even as a kid?”

“Yep. Always kept his bedroom perfectly clean, never left his toys out, used to love washing his bike more than riding it. His friends would be like, ‘Derek, it’s called a dirt bike! It’s supposed to have dirt on it!’”

I laughed, picturing that gap-toothed, dark-haired boy I’d seen in the picture over the fireplace scrubbing away at his spokes. “I can see that.”

“He’s such a good guy, but he takes himself so seriously sometimes. Always has.”

“But he’s so successful. He’s got that beautiful house, and a good job, a great car. He takes such good care of everything. He’s so generous to everyone. He seems perfect to me.” For a second, I thought I’d said too much, but Ellen didn’t seem fazed.

“He’s pretty close to perfect, I suppose. If you’re judging by appearances. But I don’t know how happy he is.”

I had to know more. “You don’t think he’s happy?”

She thought for a moment. “I think he’s lonely. But he doesn’t really talk about his feelings.”

“I can understand that.”

“But I know he wants a family and thought he’d have one by now, and I think that affects him. I don’t know if he’s told you, but he had a really serious girlfriend for a while. In fact, he bought the house intending to move into it with her. They were going to get married.”

My stomach felt like I’d swallowed rocks. “Oh.”

“He had this perfect life all mapped out—the house, the wife, the kids. Then she broke it off, and I think he’s been sort of lost ever since. Felt like he’d failed, and if there’s anything Derek hates more than dirt, it’s failure.”

I smiled, but I felt for Derek. My biggest fear was failure, too. Questions I didn’t allow myself to ask were constantly threatening like storm clouds in the back of my mind. What if I couldn’t make it here? What if I had to go back to Russia? What if I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, driven enough to achieve what I wanted?

“Part of that comes from our parents,” Ellen went on. “Or at least our dad. He was really hard on the boys growing up—strict rules, high standards, lots of pressure to be the best at everything, whether it was sports or school. I probably had it the easiest, or maybe I just cared the least what my parents wanted.” She laughed. “I was the black sheep. I spent a lot of time being grounded.”

“But you turned out pretty successful, too.”

“Thanks.” She flashed me a smile. “That was fun last night, wasn’t it?”

You have no idea. “Yes.”

“And I’m so glad I got to meet Carolyn.”

“Have they been together long?” I felt guilty even asking, like it was disrespectful to Derek. But I couldn’t help myself.

“Not too long. And I don’t think it’s too serious between them, but since the breakup three years ago, he’s hardly dated anyone. I don’t know if he’s just ridiculously picky or if there really isn’t anyone out there good enough for him, but it’s such a shame, you know? Here’s a guy who’s dying to have a family, and he’d be the best husband and dad ever because he’s got a great career and great house and he loves taking care of people, but he just can’t meet the right girl. Maybe Carolyn will break the spell.”

I didn’t think so, but I wouldn’t say that to Ellen. In my mind I heard Derek’s voice. The problem is me. Sometimes I don’t know what I want.

Unbelievably, Ellen said this next: “I’ve even wondered if Derek was gay.”

My pulse pounded in my ears. “Really?”

“Yeah, I mean there are some signs. I’d never ask him flat out, but I have wondered.”

I had no idea what to say. Thankfully, Ellen was a talker.

“It’s hard because we were raised to believe it’s wrong. I love my dad, but he can be a real asshole about some things, and that’s one of them. He grew up in a religious household in a very conservative part of the country, and that was all he knew. When we moved out here from Ohio and first started to see gay couples, he made a lot of negative comments about it being unnatural and immoral and all that. It’s bullshit, but he believes it.”

“Does Derek believe it?”

“No, I don’t think so. But Derek has always wanted my father’s approval, more than any of us. I don’t see him doing anything that would lower himself in our father’s eyes, even now.” She waved a hand in the air. “And anyway, I could be way off. He’s always dated women, and I know he planned to marry his ex. He’s probably not gay. He’s just a perfectionist. Please don’t tell him I said anything.”

“I won’t,” I promised. And I wouldn’t.

But my heart ached for Derek. The more I learned about him, the more I realized that the problem wasn’t that he didn’t know what he wanted, the problem was that he did know—he just didn’t like it. He didn’t want to want it. It wasn’t right in his eyes, it wasn’t natural, it wasn’t perfect. But he couldn’t make it stop.

It explained why he’d done what he did last night in the kitchen, and why he ran away afterward. It explained his excuses this morning. It explained why he said he hated himself.

I wished I could help him, but I had no idea how.

When we pulled into Derek’s driveway, I said goodnight to Ellen and thanked her again.

“Thank you,” she said. “Same time tomorrow?”

“Sure.” I’d have to figure out how to take public transportation, so Derek and Ellen didn’t have to drive me everywhere. Maybe I could do that tomorrow. “See you then.”

I let myself into the house with the key Derek had given me this afternoon. All the lights were off downstairs, and the house was silent. After locking the front door behind me, I went upstairs, stepping softly to avoid making noise. Derek probably had to get up early for work, and it was nearly midnight. His bedroom door was closed.

What had he done tonight? Had he eaten dinner alone? Watched television? Worked? I thought about what Ellen had said, that maybe he was lonely, and wondered if it was true. Could someone as handsome and kind and sexy as Derek really be lonely? It didn’t seem possible.

After a quick shower, I brushed my teeth and got in bed, but I couldn’t sleep. My brain was buzzing with everything I’d learned. I reached for the lamp and turned it on, then picked up my notebook and pen, scribbling for ten minutes about what Ellen had told me and how I felt about it. Mostly what I felt was sorry and helpless. Derek was doing so much for me, and my staying here at his house could not be easy for him. Not only was I a constant reminder of something he wanted to forget, but if he wanted me half as badly as I wanted him, it was torture knowing we were only separated by one hallway and two closed doors.

When I was done, I put the notebook and pen back in the drawer and turned off the lamp.

Two minutes later, there was a knock on the door.