‘So where are we going?’ Kate leaned against the window looking away and feigning disinterest, but Emily could tell she was curious. They had been driving towards Newton Stewart in silence, both taking advantage of the respite to gather thoughts and garner arguments, both selfish and self-righteous in their anger. The car stewed and simmered with resentment and anticipation.
‘First I’m going to fill the tank and get snacks,’ Emily said briskly.
In the garage she perused a rack of CDs while she waited to pay. She experienced the usual jolt when she spotted Joe’s face gazing down at her from the cover of his new album. His eyes were set deep in a melancholy, hollow-cheeked face. She touched the cover with her fingertips.
Emily knew the demons that lurked inside Joe; how he struggled to translate the feelings he captured with ease in his songs into something real. They had parted before his fame hit and the media wasn’t remotely interested in her; she was his past, a nonentity, and she was happy to have it that way.
She had imagined she missed him, but she knew she only missed being loved. She did not want to be the girl wrapped around Joe when he was photographed leaving a nightclub, the paragraph tacked on to every interview; the splashy headline sensation next time he cheated with some minor celebrity or groupie who liked to kiss and tell. Emily left the CD to languish in its place – who bought CDs now anyway? – and continued to the desk to pay, feeling a sense of freedom wash over her.
Joe’s hold on her was truly over.
*
Kate turned from the window to look at Emily as they headed along the coast road, picking up speed. Flashes of the Solway Firth, summer blue and sparkling with sunlight, drew her gaze. ‘Aren’t you going to get on with it: the talking?’ She felt trapped now that she knew she couldn’t immediately escape, but she was starting to relish the opportunity to have it out with Emily. Her mind hummed with a background track of words she had long wanted to say but never dared. One thing she was certain of, and she knew that in this her conviction would not waver: she was leaving as soon as was reasonably possible.
Any time Luke came into her mind – which was frequently – she felt the blade of betrayal pierce her heart anew and it hardened her resolve. The day unfurled before them, formless and unfilled. Kate itched for a plan, a place to be. ‘We have ages,’ Emily said recklessly. ‘So where should we should start?’
Grudgingly, Kate said, ‘The beginning, I guess. Tell me where we’re going first. We can’t go far; we might have to go to the hospital soon.’
‘The hospital is in Dumfries,’ Emily said, reaching for her sunglasses. ‘We’re heading in the right general direction, but babies take for ever to come. I thought we’d go for a hike.’
‘A hike?’
‘Yes.’ Emily glanced at her then swiftly away; the vitriol in Kate’s eyes hadn’t faded. ‘I used to moan about going on walks, but you always liked hiking in the forest park and we haven’t done it since you got here, so …’
‘Yeah, today’s just the perfect time for visiting old haunts,’ Kate said, slinking down in her seat and hunching her body against the window. She couldn’t keep the sharp edge from her tone. Really, what was Emily thinking? That this was the moment for a gentle saunter in the hills, reliving old times and reminiscing, with Luke launched like a grenade between them? Or did she fancy that Kate would find it impossible to sever the ties that bound her here, that showing her the Solway of her youth was the perfect way to force her to reconnect to the landscape her heart still yearned for. A stroke of genius, perhaps.
‘So where exactly are we hiking?’
‘A hill we climbed once, just you and me.’
Kate remained in an argumentative frame of mind. ‘Couldn’t we just go to the beach or something?’
‘We could, but is there a beach around here that doesn’t remind you of Luke?’
Kate had to own that there was not. ‘I’m wearing flip-flops,’ she pointed out, waving one bare foot for emphasis.
‘Do you suppose I didn’t think of that? There are a couple of pairs of old hiking boots I keep in the back for when Lena and I walk the dog.’ She smiled to herself; there wasn’t an excuse Kate could invent that she wasn’t equal to. They might never speak again afterwards, but she was quite determined they would speak today.
They settled into the drive, Kate thinking how strange it was that just a few hours ago she had been in bed with Luke, so ridiculously and perfectly happy. And now, her happiness had crumbled to dust; this wasn’t how she had imagined spending the day after the night before.
Neither was hopping on a plane back to New York and, but for Abby going into labour, that’s exactly what she’d be doing.
They parked the car in the shady car park at Glentrool. The engine ticked quietly in the ensuing silence. Kate and Emily looked at each other. Then Emily opened her door and stepped out. She produced a battered pair of hiking boots which she handed to Kate along with some tatty socks. ‘Put these on.’
Kate sighed and got out of the car. It was a beautiful day for hiking: warm and sunny, with a light breeze to keep it from getting too hot. She pulled on the socks and stuffed her feet into the ancient boots.
With a capable air, Emily began dividing up their supplies, handing Kate her share. ‘I don’t want anything,’ Kate said.
Emily pressed them on her. ‘Don’t be silly, you can’t climb a hill without taking—’
‘Emily! This is ridiculous. Stop being all … normal, like this is just another hike. We came here for a reason and all you can do is obsess about snacks! If you want to talk, let’s talk.’
Emily glanced around the car park; any other patrons had already headed up the hill and they were alone. ‘Fine,’ she snapped, locking Jasper and heading towards the trail with fast, purposeful steps.
Kate scurried after her. ‘Do you mind telling me why exactly you’re angry with me?’ Kate felt like she was the one with the strongest claim on rage.
Emily rounded on her. ‘Oh, I don’t know, perhaps because you slept with my brother and didn’t tell me, then came back here and messed with his head when he was all happy and settled, with a baby on the way. And because you were going to run away again, just like before. When you pissed off to America and left me.’
‘OK, wait a minute. You went off with Joe and eloped before I left for America.’
‘You always hated me being with Joe. You made no secret of it. I think you were jealous of how much we loved each other. You had lost Luke and …’
‘Jealous? I think we’ve established where the jealousy lay. At least I didn’t try to get Joe to sleep with me.’
Emily rounded on her. ‘It was a kiss! And Joe wouldn’t have, even if you had tried.’
There was silence as Kate processed the implication.
‘Sorry,’ Emily said, not sounding it at all. ‘I didn’t mean that.’
‘You didn’t mean to suggest that Luke was easy pickings?’
‘Well, you were kind of distracted, neglecting him. But he loved you. It was always you. Even when …’ Emily let the sentence drift; she hadn’t meant to take attack as her best defence, but Kate had been culpable too and her injured air was infuriating.
‘Luke didn’t control me and I wasn’t obsessed like you with Joe. Talk about an unhealthy relationship. Really, Emily, what were you thinking?’ But Kate knew what Emily had been thinking: for the first time in her life with Joe she’d felt the power of her own attractiveness and it was a potent thing.
‘This isn’t about me and Joe,’ Emily said. ‘It’s about Luke.’
‘This I must hear. Go on then, give me your excuses. Apart from the fact you think I was neglecting him. How good of you to offer comfort.’ Her sarcasm was cutting.
‘I told Luke you liked Dan,’ Emily confessed, braving Kate’s further wrath in the interests of having it all said. ‘I might have implied … no, I did imply that there was something going on.’
Kate stared at her and swallowed hard, a stillness settling between them that was worse than shouting. ‘You deliberately set out to ruin my relationship with Luke.’ This was more than just a kiss. This was premeditation, deliberate annihilation of her happiness.
‘I …’ Emily took a breath. ‘I was horribly jealous all right? Of you having Luke. All those summers he was there, and I liked him fine, but he took your attention away from me so at the same time I sort of hated him. And I was jealous that he loved you so much. No boy loved me, I’d barely even been kissed and you were living this epic, soaring love story. And you were popular, which I decidedly was not. You were off with someone else that holiday instead of coming to Bluebell Bank—’
‘Emily,’ Kate reproved sternly, still disbelieving that Em could have demolished her relationship with Luke and then kept silent all those years. All those tearful outpourings when Emily was the shoulder to cry on. ‘No other friends ever really mattered to me. You were always the best. Luke didn’t replace you. Nor did anyone else.’
The breath Emily drew was ragged, laced with pain. ‘He paid me a little attention that night, and he needed me. He was lost without you and yes, it felt good that I could comfort him. I … I don’t know why I kissed him, or let him kiss me. He was drunk—’
‘Luke didn’t drink back then.’
‘He did that night. He was different, darker. We drowned our sorrows and talked about how much we both missed you. That’s how it started, just talking and drinking, and I can’t even pinpoint the moment it became something else.’
But that wasn’t true; Emily well remembered the moment their kinship had transmuted into something more; flirting, kissing, then his mouth insistent on hers and Emily losing herself, losing every thread of conscience that tethered her to the self who wouldn’t have dreamed of kissing Luke. She paused, put her hands on her hips and breathed hard. Her assault on the hill had left them both breathless. She faced Kate. ‘That’s everything,’ she said. ‘There isn’t anything else. Now you know all the ways I betrayed you.’ It was all said now, let the chips fall as they might. Emily felt something akin to relief, but she knew it would be short-lived.
It had been just a kiss. It had been astonishing, catching them both unawares, but just a kiss: a few moments of Luke’s hands on her, and her senses drowning in longing. They had stopped before it became something worse, Luke ricocheting away from her as if she’d burned him, staring at her, his hand to his mouth, eyes narrowing in silent horror. Hating her for what they had done.
Emily closed her eyes and felt the imprint of his lips still, saw the look of anguish on his face. Even as she tried to absolve herself she knew that she had set the events in motion that night; she had made it happen but Luke had been ripe for it: teetering in his insecurity, missing Kate, doubting Kate’s affections.
The kiss hadn’t been the betrayal proper, that had come after: her silence, every comforting word and reassurance as Kate picked over the wreckage of her heartbreak.
She supported Kate through that lonely, heart-rending summer, when her quest for answers, for reasons, met with resounding silence from Luke.
It was unforgivable.
*
Kate’s face was hard, her tone like steel. ‘How did you know there was something between me and Dan? Nothing happened until after Luke ended things. I always had feelings for him of course, but …’
‘I didn’t really know. It was a horrible coincidence. If it helps, I don’t think Luke believed me. He didn’t really think you’d cheat.’
Kate shook her head. ‘I didn’t cheat, but it didn’t take me long to run to Dan.’ And, anyway, it didn’t matter what she had done, only what Luke believed.
‘Dan fell in love with you after that. And you left him too, you know. When you went off he was devastated.’
Kate swallowed. She dropped her head. Had Dan really been in love with her? Had she flirted and led him to believe … ? Yes, of course; she had known it the moment she crossed the threshold of his farmhouse and set eyes on him. ‘I treated Dan badly,’ she admitted. ‘But I don’t know how you can think that I would ever want to cause him pain again. I swear to you, nothing has happened between us since I was eighteen.’
‘But what’s happened in his head? He’s been crazy about you ever since.’
‘I did not come here to upset things. I wouldn’t do that. I told Dan as much.’
Emily narrowed her eyes. ‘So you had a conversation about it? Did you give him hope?’
‘No!’
Emily wouldn’t let it go. ‘But you and he flirted? Shared something? Even for a moment did you imagine him leaving Abby for you?’
‘No! Emily, just … no. Once I found out he was married and that Abby was pregnant I knew that he was off limits.’ But Kate felt a twang of conscience. Hadn’t she revelled in her power over Dan, hadn’t she, just for a second, wanted him to want her still, to flirt with her, to be conflicted because of her? Was that so different from what Emily had done with Luke? No, she would not make excuses for Emily. Or for herself.
A couple of walkers were coming down the track towards them. Kate and Emily fell silent and resumed walking, with careful, deliberate steps, smiling and murmuring a greeting as they passed. Once they had wandered out of sight, Emily put her hand on Kate’s arm. Kate flinched and snatched it back, catching Emily’s hurt expression as she withdrew the hand.
‘I was just going to suggest we stop for a break. Over there.’
They found a place to sit on the sunny slope, gazing down over farmland towards the coast. Emily sat with her knees drawn up, taking comfort from the pose, her chin resting on the hard knobs of her kneecaps and her hair falling down around her face. When she spoke all the fight had gone from her voice. She said, ‘He was kissing me and I was letting him, and then suddenly he stopped. He said your name. I … I wanted him to kiss me. I’m sorry, but that’s just the truth. I wanted him to, and I tried to distract him from thinking about you. So I said you were probably with Dan anyway, and far too busy to be thinking about him. Luke was angry. His whole body went tight with fury. He got this look on his face, wild, a little crazy to be honest. Then … Are you sure you want to hear this?’ Kate nodded grimly. ‘He kissed me like he didn’t even know I was there. It was weird and not at all romantic. He was angry with himself, angrier still with me. Immediately, I felt terrible. Afterwards, I thought we’d just be able to forget what had happened and put it behind us. I never expected Luke to take it so much to heart and have a complete crisis. When he broke up with you and didn’t say a word about the kiss or what I had said about Dan–’
‘That’s Luke for you. He’s like me, avoids confrontation like the plague.’ Kate frowned. ‘So, I guess you saw the perfect opportunity to get away with it?’
‘No!’ Emily was horrified. She shook her head emphatically. ‘It wasn’t like that. Except … I suppose self-preservation did kick in. I couldn’t believe how close I had come to ruining everything and I didn’t want to lose you. It was selfish, I’m not condoning what Luke and I did. Especially me.’ Emily raised her head and squared her shoulders, tossing her mass of curls impatiently. ‘I should have told you, I wanted to, but I also didn’t want you to know what I had done, what I was. But, Kate, it was ten years ago and I regret it more than you can imagine. It was a terrible thing, but … well, I think you should forgive me. Forgive us.’ She finished in a fierce, stubborn rush, and splayed her hands, palms up. That was all she had, Kate could do with it as she wanted.
She held her breath as she watched myriad emotions flit across Kate’s face. The moment trembled with possibility, then Kate’s eyes turned hard with hurt. ‘You tried to take him from me. He was all I wanted and you tried to take him. I don’t know if I can forgive either of you.’