The next morning, I pushed the covers away and opened my eyes. The crystals swayed delicately overhead on the chandelier. God, I spent hours choosing the right one. Just like the drapes hanging above the floor to ceiling windows and the duvet we slept beneath. Every part of this room had been a careful selection. I rolled to my side and propped myself up. The small piece of coral Vaughn had brought from the Bahamian ocean rested next to the clock. It was the one gift from him that meant more than all the others. I loved the simplicity of it. I loved the memory of when he gave it to me.

There was a cup of Marie’s coffee on the bedside table in front of a white paper bag. I smiled, knowing one of her fresh-baked pastries was inside. Taped to the front of the bag was a note from Vaughn. I plucked it from the paper.

I love you.

That was all it said. I turned it over, but the other side was blank. I placed it on the nightstand before piling pillows behind my back. I took the coffee in my hands. It was still warm through the thick cardboard sleeve.

I wondered if he had made it to work on time. I tried to picture him poking around Paul’s lab, but I shook my head. I either didn’t want to imagine him deceiving our new neighbors, or didn’t like the idea of how dangerous the new assignment was. He hadn’t been wrong. There was bliss in ignorance. In fact, even my imagination wasn’t worse than reality. Vaughn dealt in a world that was dark and gritty. Where money and power meant everything. The hair along my arm vibrated. I touched the coffee to my lips. For the first time, he had told me everything. I knew the target. I knew the mission. I knew the payout.

I had slept later than usual, but I knew after the kind of night we had that was going to happen. I wasn’t sure what time it had been when I finally fell asleep. Vaughn had drifted off long before I did.

I placed the coffee next to me and walked to the bathroom. A few minutes later, I was wrapped in a robe and facing a day that had no to-do list.

Even if I did have something to do for the apartment, I wasn’t sure I wanted to venture out. The idea of running into Eloise again wasn’t pleasant. I wasn’t sure I could face Aubrey either. Everything was muddled and confusing. Maybe that was why Vaughn had brought the coffee. He didn’t want me to leave the apartment either.

I wandered into the living room and noticed the remaining dishes from last night had been washed. How had Vaughn done all of that without waking me? I shook my head. I didn’t want to think about it. I toasted a bagel, dropped it on a place, and walked back to the living room.

I curled on the couch and picked up the remote. French morning TV it was.

* * *

I awakened from a catnap and saw the rain droplets sliding down the windows. I shook off the blanket and rubbed my arms as I walked toward the glass. The courtyard looked especially dreary today. I imagined it would be beautiful in spring when the flowers bloomed. I didn’t know if we would be here long enough to see the garden come to life. Today it looked like a scene out of a Bronte novel. Gothic and chilling.

I turned and spotted my phone on the counter. It was a burner. All my phones were. Every couple days Vaughn would switch it out with a new one. The only number I had saved in my contacts was his. I knew that was how it would always be.

As long as we had this life. As long as we were living in the shadows from Agent Kenneth.

I picked up the phone. I didn’t need a contact button to remember Garret’s number.

I dialed it from hypnotic memory, pressing lightly on the screen. My fingers twitched as if I didn’t have complete control over them.

I held my breath when it started to ring after several seconds of agonizing silence. It would be evening by now in North Carolina. After dinner, but maybe he was out with Morgan. Maybe he had left his phone at home. I almost hung up. I shouldn’t call. I knew it with every logical thought I had, but I was dying for a shred of my old life. For something to connect me to home.

“Hello?” My heart stopped when he answered.

“Hi, Garrett.” It came out almost as a whisper. I cleared my throat. “Hey, it’s me.”

“Emily? What the hell? Where are you?” Was he angry or worried. Maybe both. “Are you back? Where are you?”

I shook my head, and perched on the edge of the couch. “No. I just wanted to say hi. I wanted to see how you’re doing.”

“What’s this number? I almost didn’t pick up.”

I knew he had always been skittish about unfamiliar numbers. I was lucky he had answered. “It doesn’t matter. How’s Mom?” I asked.

“She’s about to lose her damn mind.” He sighed. “Are you ok? Has he hurt you?”

“What? Who hurt me?”

“That guy. The one you’re with. Look, there have been agents here. FBI, Emily. You are in some serious shit. I know you’re in trouble, but I’m worried. Just tell me where you are.”

I wanted to throw up on the expensive rug I purchased. “Are they bothering you? Threatening you? What did the agents say?”

“I don’t believe anything they’ve said. I know you. I know you aren’t a criminal. You would never help a criminal. I’ve told them that so many times, but they keep calling. They keep showing up. How can I help you? How can I bring you back?”

I closed my eyes. “You can’t.”

“What is that supposed to mean? Just tell me where you are and I’ll drive. I’ll drive all night if I have to. It wasn’t that long ago you drove all night to find me, remember? Let me be there for you. I can do this.”

The pain circled my lungs. “I don’t need you to pick me up.” I knew better than to give him any kind of clues as to where I lived now. If I could slip up, so could he. And my brother was the one in regular contact with the FBI.

“Has he hurt you? Forced you somehow? He had to, right? That’s the only way something like this could have happened to you. I am going to kill him.”

“No. No.” I wanted to stop that line of thinking before it snowballed. “I left with him. Because I wanted to.”

“What? That doesn’t make any sense. You wouldn’t do something like that. This isn’t you. You’ve never broken a law in your life. Never.”

I wasn’t sure what it was I felt. Shame? Guilt? Defiance? I felt the need to defend my ability to be rash and impulsive. I wanted to tell Garrett he had no idea who I was. He had always been too wrapped up in his own problems to notice or care. But why was I trying to pick a fight with the one person I needed?

“Garrett, tell me how Mom is.”

He huffed. “She’s a complete wreck. She’s not eating or sleeping. She blames herself for this. She thinks she wasn’t there for you. She thinks she pushed you away somehow.” He paused. “It’s been humbling. I think I’ve finally seen what I put her through. She doesn’t deserve it. From me or you. You need to come home. You’re hurting her.”

I had waited so many years. My whole life for him to see it. To see that our mother would do anything in this world for him. But I hadn’t expected it to happen because we traded places. I was the good one. The loyal one. The steady one who was there for everyone in the family.

I had also been the enabler. The pushover. The weaker sibling who was swept to the side when Garrett took center stage. I wasn’t that kind of sister anymore.

“You can’t tell her I called.”

“What? Why not? I have to tell her you’re all right.”

I sighed. “You can’t. Ok? It will make things worse.”

“How can it be worse than thinking she’ll never see her daughter again?”

“I’m going to see everyone again.” I didn’t know if that was a lie. Vaughn and I talked about it like it was something that could happen, but it wouldn’t be soon.

“When? If you tell me when, then at least I know what I’m dealing with.”

“I’m not sure. But as soon as I can, I will.” My throat started to tighten. This felt like an actual goodbye. One that seemed close to permanent.

“I need to go. But don’t tell her. Ok? Do that for me. It’s better for her. The less she knows, the better. Protect her from this, Garrett. Try to keep the agents away from her. I promise I’m happy. I’m ok. I’ll try to call again when I can, but I have to go now.”

“I’m not hanging up,” he protested.

The tears stung. They welled on my bottom lids, ready to spill at any second. I didn’t want to hang up either, but it was time.

“I just wanted to hear your voice. I wanted you to know I’m ok. I’m here because I want to be. Remember that. I’m where I’m supposed to be. I love you. And Merry Christmas.”

“Emily, wait just a—”

I tapped the red button on the phone and sank into the couch. It was a stupid risk. A dangerous decision that hurt more than anything. I could have talked to my brother for hours. I wanted to hear about how things were going with Morgan. I never even asked about Dad. What did I expect when I called weeks after disappearing?

Worst of all—it was selfish.

I knew with certainty that Agent Kenneth was looking for me. That meant Greer was being questioned and watched. The team at the office. Maybe even Lana Foley. Damn it.

I didn’t know how Vaughn did it. He was able to compartmentalize his family back home from this life he led. It was rare we ever talked about them. It was like his family was a set of mythical creatures I’d eventually meet, but in a dream scenario.

And mine? They were far from mythical. They were a screwed up mess. What I had done to them had probably magnified the problems. This would only make my divorced parents fight more. Divide them. Test them in ways they weren’t equipped to handle. Despite the grenade I had just hurled at him, it hit me how rational Garrett sounded. I folded my feet under me. He sounded strong. Confident. Like the best parts of my brother when he was in a good phase. At least there was that. It was one crumb to hold. One small morsel that I could focus on instead of the pain settling in my chest.