CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

She scratched Nick between the ears and the tabby arched his back. Purring contentedly, Nick rubbed against her legs, a thank you for feeding him again that the morning.

“You’re a sweetie,” she said as she crouched in Ally’s condo, stroking the happy guy. Her voice sounded empty to her ears, a hollow noise, mirroring her insides.

Eight hours later, and no word from Brent.

She was a big girl, she could handle eight hours; she could give him the time, she told herself. Even though it felt like an eternity. Her body was keenly aware of every passing minute, and each one wore her to the bone. Running a hand down the cat’s back, she wished her life were as easy as this—eat, purr, be happy.

But the universe insisted on throwing hurdles and roadblocks at her. The universe kept moving the line. Jump higher. Run faster.

Then it cackled at her and demanded she do it once more. It was so unfair, given what they’d shared in San Francisco. Making love with Brent again had been nothing short of cloud nine. It had been bliss and beauty, passion and pleasure. He had seduced her, body and soul, and she had craved every second of their intense connection. She longed for him. More than she’d ever expected to. More than she knew what to do with.

That was what hurt so much. After ten years of barely getting over him, she’d let down her guard in a few short weeks. Little good that had done. Here she was with a raw, beating heart, and no one to tend to it.

But herself.

“Be a good boy. Ally will be home later today,” she told the cat, who answered her with one final silky rub of his head against her leg.

She locked the door and texted her friend. Nick is fed, rested and ready for your return. Meow!

She popped back into her home, grabbed her purse, dropped a big pair of shades over her eyes, and drove to the airport. At the gate, she met Colin for their quick day-in/day-out trip to Los Angeles. He was leaning against the window looking at his phone. An airline voice blared overhead. “Flight twenty-three from Las Vegas to Burbank will board in ten minutes.”

Colin tucked his phone away when he saw her walking to him. “You look like hell,” he said.

“Thanks. Good to see you too.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Didn’t sleep much,” she said, yawning.

“Is that a good thing or a bad thing?”

She shrugged a shoulder. “It was supposed to be a good thing, but it turned out to be a bad thing.”

“Man trouble?” he asked, arching an eyebrow.

“Something like that.”

“Be a nun. Easier that way.”

She narrowed her eyes at him. “You be a monk. How about that?”

He shook his head. “Hell no.” He tipped his forehead to a Starbucks across the concourse. “Let me get you a coffee. We can’t have you yawning like that in the meeting.”

On the short flight to Los Angeles, she downed her coffee, the caffeine rejuvenating her, temporarily erasing the sleeplessness. She touched up her makeup as Colin walked her through his goals for the meeting with the reality show producers who wanted her to choreograph a one-night reunion, but her mind kept wandering to the sight of Brent walking away.

He hadn’t called it that, but to her it was déjà vu.

The door shutting.

The two of them on opposite sides.

“The meeting should be short and sweet, and I have some key thoughts on how to make this a good deal for you,” Colin said, in his businesslike tone. The sound of his voice returned her to the present moment. She forced herself to focus, since he was in her corner, going to bat for her. “The important thing to keep in mind is that you’re rising. When you worked on the show a few years ago, you were merely an associate choreographer on staff. Now you’re a star, and you create your own productions. Those network guys know that, but it’ll be natural for them to revert back to thinking of you as an employee. My goal is to make sure they don’t treat you as anything but the star that you are,” he said, and even though she was still hurting, his praise made her feel a little better. “That’s why I’m going with you. Because you are Shay Fucking Sloan,” he said, punctuating his pep talk by pointing his finger at her. “And if they want you for a one-night reunion, I’m going to make sure they treat you like a queen.”

She wrapped her arms around him. “You’re the best. Thank you for always looking out for my interests.”

He waved a hand as they pulled apart. “You make it easy.”

When they landed in Los Angeles, her phone was silent. No messages. No texts. No calls.

Her heart sank. Brent had been radio silent all through the night and early morning.

But she’d survive, she reminded herself, as they deplaned on the tarmac, the sun shining brightly. No matter what became of the two of them, she would survive. She always did; she always had. She knew how to keep on living, keep on moving, and keep on fighting.

She had her brothers. She had the three men who had never abandoned her. The three men who would always be by her side. She would stand by them, too, through anything.

The four of them had an unbreakable bond. They were her people.

* * *

October.

The pictures he’d seen were from October. She’d been four months pregnant then. If the pregnancy had continued, she’d have carried to March.

He’d have a nine-year-old son.

As his real estate attorney talked about neighborhoods in Chicago that were ripe for nightclubs, Brent ran his palm across his chin, trying to process the passage of time.

What grade was a nine-year-old in? Third? Fourth? Hell if he knew. The only kid he’d spent any time with lately was Carly and she was one. He knew nothing about children. Would his nine-year-old have been a sporty kid? Wanting to play catch or baseball or whatever kids wanted to play these days? Or would he have liked video games and Xbox? Would he have been a mama’s boy or just like his dad?

He twirled his pen between his thumb and forefinger, a long-time habit. He stared at his hand in motion as if it were a new addition to his body. Was this part of his DNA? Was something as mundane as pen twirling at a conference table a genetic trait he’d have passed on to a kid?

Brent lifted the pen to his face and studied it. Was his son right-handed or left-handed? Would he have been a good speller, or a whiz at math? Would he have liked being read to at night? Kissed on the forehead before he fell asleep?

“So there you go. We should be able to secure the property in Chicago, and I hope that we can get this one you had your sights set on in Atlanta. Ten-four, gentleman?”

Tate raised his eyebrows and glanced around the conference table, waiting for an okay from Brent and James.

But Brent was seeing his boy before his eyes, watching Shannon tuck him in at night, planting a kiss on his forehead.

“Where’s Daddy?” his kid said. “I want Daddy to say goodnight to me, too.”

Brent closed his eyes briefly. The scene was too much to hold onto. Too much to let go of. Because he couldn’t even put himself in the scene. He was seeing Shannon and his phantom son, but he wasn’t there. He wasn’t saying goodnight to the boy he didn’t have. He hadn’t been there to help his son’s mother.

Guilt clawed at him. His chest ached as if it had been carved up and hollowed out. He was left with a strange new feeling—missing.

He missed someone he never knew. This kind of missing was hard like a fist, its knuckles pushing up against skin and bones. He missed a person he’d never met, and would never know. A person who was a part of him, and a part of the woman he loved madly.

Tate and James were asking him questions, but they might as well be speaking Swahili. Hell, everyone was speaking in foreign tongues today. Sanskrit and Latin and Greek rained down on him. He had no clue what anyone was saying, and he had no notion of how to speak. It was as if his voice had been snatched away. His voice—his goddamn instrument, the tool he’d relied on when on stage, and now in business—was gone, turned into the ash that was coating his throat.

“Sounds great,” he somehow managed to say, finding those words deep within some primordial part of him that remembered how to communicate.

After the attorneys left, Brent stood too, but James sat him back down. Concern was etched in his eyes. “Never seen you like this.” James gestured heavenward. “It’s not even like you weren’t here. It’s like you were on another planet.”

Brent rubbed his hand over his jaw, the day-old stubble reminding him that he hadn’t even bothered to shave this morning. He glanced down at his outfit, making sure he’d remembered to put on clothes. The jeans and button-down he wore were the only reassurance that he hadn’t gone completely insane. He’d remembered to dress.

“Sorry,” he said, because that was the only thing he could say.

James patted him on the shoulder. “Hey, no worries. I’m here for you. This is your ship, and you run this baby,” James said, and Brent cringed at that word—baby. “You sure you’re okay? Why don’t you take the day off?”

Before Brent could answer, James’s phone rang. He looked at it quizzically. “New York number. Let me grab it.”

As James talked on the phone, Brent tuned it all out, parking his chin in his hand, and staring at an abstract piece of art that hung on the wall—a series of red, gray and yellow geometric shapes jutted across the canvas at harsh angles. He studied it, as if he could make out the meaning, but he saw nothing. He let his eyes go blurry, let the shapes melt into each other, into one jumble of colors. The one color he could still make out was yellow.

Like those damn sunflowers.

What was up with those sunflowers? That was the part he didn’t get. Why did she have all those pictures of sunflowers? Where they were taken?

“Earth to Brent.”

He looked up.

James pointed to his phone. “That’s Tanner Davies in New York. It’s on mute. He said he’s been calling you all morning, but your phone is just ringing and ringing. He emailed you too, but got no response. He wanted to confirm the time of the picnic in New York,” he said, then rattled off a date the next week. “Can you make that date? He wants to let the association know you’ll be there and are looking forward to it. Said to bring your girlfriend if you want. You got one you want to tell me about?”

“Sure, sounds good,” he said, in a dead voice. He had no clue what he’d just agreed to. He didn’t answer anything else.

James finished his call, then cocked his head to the side, and waved his hand in front of Brent’s face. “Where’s your phone? Did someone drug you last night or something, man? I have never seen you like this.”

His phone was in the dishwasher.

He’d left it there on purpose that morning before he took off for work. If he had it with him, he’d cave. He’d call. He’d text. He’d try to contact her, to make her laugh, make her smile, and turn her on. But those weren’t the things that needed to be said or done right then. He still didn’t know what to say. He barely knew how to operate his mouth.

“Battery ran out,” he mumbled.

“I think we need to get you home. Let me call you a cab, and you should take the rest of the day off. Whatever business you have scheduled I can attend to.”

“Yeah. I should cut out early,” he said, blinking, trying to focus again on the world around him. Then, something James said sparked a wire in his brain. Lit a fuse. Ringing and ringing. Tanner had been ringing and ringing him.

What if Shannon had been ringing too? Just like when he’d moved to Los Angeles. Just like when she’d been in London. Just like when she’d tried to call him on her way to the hospital. Shit. He had to do something and soon. He had to figure out what to say.

He stood up, a blast of necessary energy zipping through him. “But I can’t leave. There’s someplace I need to be.”

He went to the Allegro to find Mindy.

* * *

Colin high-fived her as soon as the glass doors to the network headquarters swung shut. The network had agreed to the terms, and her brother had just booked her a marquee contract for a quick, high-paying, high-profile gig. The best part? She wasn’t madly in love with the head of the network. She hadn’t been involved with him ten years ago. Working together would be a cinch. She should do all her deals with men she wasn’t once engaged to. Made them so much easier.

“You are a rock star,” she told her brother as they headed down the steps to the waiting car that would whisk them back to the airport, then home to Vegas before the clock struck three. Trips to Los Angeles were the best, since the city was so damn close.

“No, you are,” he said.

As soon as they slid into the air-conditioned vehicle, she checked her phone, hoping for something. Surely, he’d have reached out by now.

The screen was empty. No messages from him. Nothing but a low-battery notice as her phone neared the end of its life for the day. A lump rose in her throat, but she shoved it back down. She would not cry over a lack of messages. She would not lament the radio silence.

But she also would not sit and wait for him.

She’d never waited for him before, and she wasn’t going to be that kind of woman now. She was Shay fucking Sloan, and she wasn’t going to let her heart sit on the sidelines. Nor was she going to hide her feelings.

She dropped a hand on Colin’s arm. “Hey, you know when you asked about my man trouble this morning?”

He nodded.

“It’s Brent.”

He furrowed his brow. “What do you mean?”

“I’m with him again,” she said, keeping her voice strong because even if she and Brent were fighting, she was choosing to believe they’d work it out. “And we’re in love, and we’re trying to work things out. You’ve always stood by me, and helped me, and that’s why I want you to know.”

He nodded slowly, as if taking in the news. “Is he making you happy?” he asked carefully.

“Most of the time,” she said. “It’s not perfect, and we have stuff to figure out, but I think we’ll get there.”

“I’m here for you. Whatever you need.”

She rested her head briefly on his shoulder, then opened a new text message, and sent Brent a note.

I am thinking of you. I’m always thinking of you. When you’re ready, I’m here.

That was it. That was all. It was time to stop fighting, and to start behaving like adults who had history and baggage, and who had hurt and pain.

But who were willing to fight their way to the other side.