Chapter
NINETEEN
You’ll never let yourself admit that you just might love me, too.
Her words, her musical voice, ran incessantly through him. He didn’t know what to do with that statement, where to fit it in the narrow corridors and angles of his mind and heart. But it was no surprise that Mia Donovan was the only person who had ever seen past his corroded layers to the truth at the very center of him.
Gavin still didn’t dare to believe it was love. He’d never been in love before. Could it happen this way—in slow, steady increments over the course of a year, like drops of water filling a bucket?
Had he started to fall in love with Mia the instant he first saw her sitting on the bakery counter, swinging her leg and eyeing him with interest? Then when their gazes met, and he first heard her voice?
And with every moment after—when she brought him his coffee-with-no-sugar order and lingered by his chair, and he inhaled the scent that belonged only to her. When he overheard her happy chatter about new clubs and happy hours. When she showed up at Wild Child on a moment’s notice to help out when an employee called in sick. When she twirled a lock of daffodil-sunshine hair around her finger and made a throaty, suggestive remark that went straight to his blood.
When a homeless man wandered into the bakery, and she fixed him a sandwich before giving him cash from her purse. When she firmly told Polly she wanted to take over the wedding plans because she saw that Polly was running herself ragged doing too much. When she wore new flowered tights or a sweater that hugged her perfect breasts. When she watered the bakery plants and took special care to turn them toward the light.
Every single one of those moments, and countless more, had slowly, steadily, filled Gavin’s heart to the point that his entire day had been colored with anticipation over when he’d see Mia again. He hadn’t dared to think he’d ever cross the invisible line he’d drawn between them, until the wedding had forced him to.
Or given him a great excuse.
And when he finally spoke to Mia, kissed her, touched her, cooked her dinner… she became part of his world. His whole world. The best, most all-encompassing part of him.
If that wasn’t love… then what the hell was?
The questions and thoughts buzzed relentlessly through his mind, even when he was working. That alone was a measure of how desperate he was for Mia. The wedding was over, but Knight Security still had contracts to fulfill so there was no shortage of tasks. And yet through it all, he couldn’t get her out of his head.
He’d never be able to get her out of his heart.
Two weeks after Luke and Polly’s wedding, he was running himself into the ground with twenty-hour workdays. Walking back into his neutral, silent house was like entering a mausoleum.
He shed his coat and went to pour himself a scotch, but the liquor tasted bitter and sour. He tossed it into the sink and opened the freezer, digging out a carton of strawberry ice cream that he’d bought with Mia in mind.
He scooped a pile of ice cream into a bowl and sank down in front of the TV, flicking the channels before stopping on a romantic comedy that, of course, reminded him of the girl who’d stolen his heart.
Christ. He stared at the screen, everything in him flattened and cold. Without Mia, the bad stuff had returned full-force, the blistering nightmares waking him from shallow sleep. He’d taken to coloring to ease his mind, having bought all of Mia’s granny’s coloring books. Filling in the illustrations of fairytale lands and secret gardens had become a balm over the scorching burn of his past.
But nothing eased his regret over Mia. The pain of losing her.
Thoughts of her were an exquisite torture. Gavin jacked off to a thousand fantasies that were even more potent than before since he now had firsthand knowledge of her gorgeous body. He knew the incredible sensation of sinking his cock into her pussy, of her tightening around him, taking him deep. He knew her hot breath on his skin, her hair wrapped around his fist, the sight of her body bouncing with every thrust.
He came fast and hard every time he let himself fantasize about her, but he was left with a hollowness darker than any he’d known. Because she’d shown him what was possible. What he couldn’t have.
He went to work at six the next day, not caring that he spent the morning growling and snapping at his men who never gave less than their best. He finally holed himself up in his office at noon, hating that he was acting like a bear with a wounded paw and yet not knowing how to get out of it.
“Hey, man.”
Gavin looked up from his desk as Luke walked in, all loose-limbed and tan from two weeks on the Majorca coast with his new wife.
“Hey.” He stood to shake Luke’s hand. “Welcome back. Guess I don’t need to ask if you had a good time.”
Luke grinned and dropped into a chair. “Only bad part was having to come back.”
Gavin sat back down and removed his glasses, resisting the urge to rub his sandpapery eyes. “Back to work yet?”
“Not until Monday.” Luke eyed him speculatively. “You look like hell.”
No wonder, considering he was living in it again. He stacked some folders on his desk, for the sake of something to do.
“That kid Danny took a deal. He’ll undergo a psych eval, do some time.” He squinted at his computer screen. “The judge issued a restraining order, so I’m guessing he’ll get out of town once he’s released. Won’t be for a long time, though.”
Luke nodded.
Gavin didn’t like the way his friend was still looking at him, like he knew something Gavin didn’t.
Maybe he did. Apprehension seized Gavin’s chest. Mia was Polly’s best friend. What if Luke had heard that Mia was dating some dickwad kid or had—
He blocked that thought and stood, grabbing his suit jacket. “I gotta go. You need something else?”
“Just wanted to debrief the wedding security, see if there’s anything else we need over at the Sugar Rush campus.”
“I’ll send you a report. I need to go. I’m meeting your aunt over at the villa to review security for her Cream of the Crop bachelor auction.”
“Ah, the annual event.” Luke grinned. “Has she tried to recruit you again?”
“I’m handling security.” Gavin snapped his briefcase shut. “And I don’t do auctions, especially not bachelor auctions. Let me know if you have any questions about the report.”
He left the office, not caring if he was being rude. Julia Bennett’s annual auction of the “most eligible bachelors in the Bay Area” always attracted a large, high-class crowd who were treated to cocktails, dinner, and tables full of cream-filled desserts after they bid for dates with the men. All proceeds went to the charitable Rebecca Stone Foundation.
Knight Security had provided security for the annual event in the three years since it had started, but despite the fact that Gavin was on duty, Julia always tried to cajole him into participating as one of the bachelors. She always failed.
He parked in the lot of the Spanish-style villa, blocking memories of Mia in her maid of honor gown, lighting up the room with her smile, then the dark, scared look on her face when that little fucker Danny held a knife to her throat…
Gavin’s fists clenched as he made his way up the steps of the villa. Julia was in the courtyard, a tablet nestled in her arm. She glanced up at his approach, and they exchanged greetings.
“We’re offering fifty extra tickets this year, so we need to reassess the seating arrangements and catwalk,” Julia explained. “We’ll also have extra tables inside and likely more staff on hand for the dessert table. And I’m closing a deal to have Rick Patterson from the Giants participate as the star celebrity bachelor.”
“I’ll have to coordinate with his security team,” Gavin said. “And I need to see the full set of plans.”
“I’ll send you his security guy’s contact info. Mia has all the plans.”
His insides twisted. “Uh… Mia?”
“Mia Donovan.” Julia typed something on her tablet, then pulled a business card from her leather bag. “She’s helping plan the event this year.”
Gavin studied the crisp white business card with an elegant dark purple font announcing: Mia Donovan, Event Planner. Pride swelled in his chest.
“I connected her with the woman who owns Thousand Acres Vineyards, and Mia is planning a blow-out anniversary party,” Julia continued. “She’s getting dozens of calls from people who attended the wedding, asking about her services and prices.”
“That’s great.” Gavin slipped the card into his breast pocket, right next to his heart. “She’ll do a good job.”
“You can talk to her about the seating arrangements and agenda.” Julia slipped her tablet into her bag and glanced at her watch. “Polly told me you and Mia worked together on the wedding security issues, and since everything went off without a hitch, I have complete confidence that you’ll do the same with the auction.”
Christ. He couldn’t work with Mia again. He didn’t have the willpower, not where she was concerned. He was crawling across a scorching desert, parched and blistering with heat. She was an oasis—cool, clear water; lush green plants; sweet, tempting fruit. He’d never be able to resist her.
He’d send one of his men to talk to her, get the info. Then Gavin could review it in the isolation of his office like the fucking coward he was.
“I’ll set up a meeting with her,” he said.
“You can talk to her right now.” Julia nodded toward the villa steps.
Gavin’s heart crashed against his ribs. He turned slowly. Mia descended the stairs to the courtyard, a vision of beauty in a pale blue suit and heels, her long hair flowing around her shoulders like silk.
The sight of her almost brought him to his knees. Somehow, using whatever self-control he had left, he managed to keep his expression impassive.
She looked up from the notepad she was carrying, her gaze meeting his with a force that felt like a lightning strike. Surprise widened her eyes for an instant before a mask settled over her lovely features. She tore her gaze from Gavin and turned to the young man walking beside her, who Gavin just realized was even there.
His muscles tensed. The kid looked familiar, and Gavin remembered he’d been to Wild Child a few times. As they neared, Mia’s voice drifted to him like music.
“…we’d prefer to do the run-through a few days in advance of the event, so we have time to make necessary changes,” she said to the guy, who was nodding and scribbling notes.
Then she stopped beside Julia and regarded him coolly.
“Mr. Knight.” Mia extended her lavender-tipped hand. “A pleasure to see you again.”
“You as well, Miss Donovan.” He closed his hand around hers, gratified to see heat flare to her cheeks at the contact, her eyes darkening a shade. At least he wasn’t the only one still affected by what they’d once had. Except that she looked a hell of a lot better than he felt, and the guy beside her was standing way too fucking close to her, even leaning to look at her as he spoke.
Gavin tightened his grip on his briefcase handle. He tried to focus on what Julia was saying.
“Nathan is facilitating the open bar.” Julia gestured to the kid. “He’s a friend of Mia’s. And she has all the details so far about the seating and parking. I’m sure you’ll find it’s not much different from the wedding. Just keep me in the loop as you move forward.”
She nodded her goodbyes and returned to the villa, lifting the phone to her ear.
“We’re planning to set the bar up there.” Nathan indicated the fountain. “Julia had wanted it closer to the foyer, but Mia said there might be safety issues if it creates a bottleneck at the entrance.”
“Mia is right.” Gavin couldn’t stop himself from looking at her. Drinking her in.
Her color heightened under his scrutiny. She glanced at Nathan.
“I’ll go over everything with Mr. Knight and get back to you,” she said. “You should check out the kitchen, find out what you might be able to store there.”
Nathan nodded and trotted off, clearly eager to do her bidding. Once the kid was gone, a thick silence fell. Gavin wanted to step closer to her, touch her, wind a lock of hair between his fingers. Kiss her. He almost ached with the urge.
Instead, he said, “Congratulations on your business. Julia gave me your card.”
Her perfect mouth twisted. “I couldn’t have done it without you.”
“Yes, you could have. You did.”
“Only because you believed I could.” Her gaze skirted past him. “Because you made me believe it too.”
He wanted no credit for anything that gave Mia exactly what she deserved—a happy, promising future doing what she loved. Helping people celebrate. Creating beauty.
“I’m glad you’re doing well,” he said. “I want nothing but the best for you.”
Mia returned her gaze to him, her green eyes suddenly glinting with a hard light.
“Oh, stop it,” she snapped. “You were the best for me, Gavin Knight. And you didn’t want what I could give you. So don’t you dare tell me you want the best for me, not when you were the one who took it away.”
Pain cracked his chest. Words snarled in his head. Finally all he could manage was, “I’m sorry.”
“Sorry for what? Throwing away something that was so good for both of us?”
“Yes. And I’m sorry I failed you.”
Mia blinked. She stepped back, a crease of confusion appearing between her eyebrows. “What are you talking about?”
“The wedding.” Gavin’s jaw clenched. “I didn’t protect you. Every time I think about what could have happened to you, it’s a goddamned nightmare. Of all the people at the wedding, you were the one I failed.”
She stared at him, her lips parting. “I never…Gavin, you didn’t fail me. You never have.”
He tore his gaze from her, unable to stand looking into those green eyes that he wanted to lose himself in forever. His shoulders tight, he dragged a hand through his hair.
“Yes, I did. I’d vowed to protect you, and I didn’t.”
She shook her head, her expression shadowed with dismay. She stepped forward, closing the distance between them, resting her hand on the side of his face. Her touch undid him, warming all the cold corners of his soul, shocking him with the intensity of what he’d had and lost.
“Gavin Knight, you did not fail me.” Mia brushed her thumb over his jaw, her eyes filled with sadness. “You saved me. In more ways than I can count. Since the day you finally spoke to me, we’ve been working together. On the wedding plans, on making each other happy, on feeling good, on lots of stuff. Even with Danny, you knew instinctively what I was doing, and you moved in at the exact right time. That’s not failure. If you can look past your guilt, you might be able to admit that you and I made a pretty good team.”
“We did.”
She lowered her hand from his face and stepped away from him, spreading her arms out. “So?”
His mind blurred, broke into fragments. Like his nightmares, he caught glimpses of scenes, both real and unreal, except these were all so fucking perfect they stole his breath.
Mia coming to live with him. Making dinner for her every night. Turning his spare bedroom into an office for her, letting her decorate his austere house with pink sofa pillows and flowers. Falling asleep with her at his side, her hair spread over his chest. Always remembering to buy her favorite ice cream at the grocery store.
Flipping the coin of his life from the past to the future. With her.
“Hey, Mia!”
Gavin yanked himself from the fantasies. Nathan stood on the terrace, pointing to his watch.
“We gotta get moving,” he called. “Peter just called from Asante, and they got a table for us but they can’t hold the seats long. Happy hour starts in a few minutes. Whole gang is there.”
Mia indicated she’d be just a minute before turning back to Gavin. Sorrow still darkened her expression. He let out the breath he hadn’t know he’d been holding. Asante. If he’d found Danny before the wedding, none of it would have happened.
“I need to go,” Mia finally said.
He nodded, remembering all that she was before him. Cheerful, flirty, happy. Safe.
Mia took a slow step back, her gaze containing a plea that he was too much of a coward to want to read. Instead, he just stood there while the only woman he’d ever loved turned and walked away from him a second time.
He wouldn’t get another chance.