Chapter twenty-five
Unbearable heat scorched everything. Reds, yellows, blacks, blurred and swirled.
Elanor tried to focus her eyes better on the surrounding but it didn’t help.
Where was she?
Dry air burned her throat as short coughing bursts of air came from her chest.
It wasn’t right. None of it made sense. She tried to calm her scattered brain to understand. Had she brought herself to the astral plane? Maybe someone or something else had, she wasn’t really sure. Having opened her mind to her magic so fully, either were possible. And then it was there at the corner of her conscience. A dark and allusive shadow.
“Reveal yourself to me.” She commanded. The shadow moved but didn’t come clearer to her. It’s wispy smoke movements, frustrating when trying to focus on it directly. Something nagged at the back of her thoughts trying to pull to the forefront. Where was she?
“I brought you here! I brought you here!” An all too familiar shrill of voice finally said high pitched and shrill with cruel enjoyment.
“Show yourself!”
A shriek come clearly to her ears, “You cannot command me! You are no one! You are nothing! Only one may command me!” Elanor knew then it was the rat; the trapped entity. It had taken advantage of her weaken state after the ship battle and visited her in the plane while she slept. But she still couldn’t understand where they were and why it seemed so important to explore. Demons weren’t actually from a burning place. They were humans once who committed horrific crimes in one life and spent the next as blacken souls, shadows roaming that fed off of pain and misery of others to keep their energy alive.
“Why have you done this?” She asked.
“You wants to be here! I brought you here!” A sickly delighted laughter with the shadow dancing all around her at the corners of her eyes. She looked at the scene before her again still seeing nothing but red streaming down black with yellow flaring at times. Thick smoke- no, steam and smoke?
“I don’t understand.” She had practice this type of spell casting many times. It had been the one magic casting she’d learned earlier as a child. Alone in bed she could practice without fear of it being a problem. The silver cord between her body and spirit a solid glimmering she knew how to find. Elanor reached for it.
“No! No! You stay!” The shadow moved in a feverishly, rolling and twisting. “This where you wanted to go!” Her brows furrowed confused what it was trying to make her understand. Where she wanted to go?
“Your ship went wrong way!” It hissed with impatience. Through the haze the understanding came clear.
“You mean this is Istlant?”
“Yes! Yes! Now you see! Now you know!” Oh Gods, sweet Goddesses the volcano had erupted. Both Teagan and Araminta had warned her that going to try and get Meagan might be a disaster. The volcano had given them both reason to fear the worst; their prediction of its eruption had come true. The energy from it felt vibrantly through the plane. The size of the eruption nothing like the earth had seen in many moons.
She’d failed again. She had sinking thoughts and shattered hope.
Could Meagan have even survived that?
She stared through the haze of the dream state into the lava streams deciding to take over the vision and- find her sister. Elanor had learned so much. And a determination built with a fierce intent. Forms shifted and passed, unlike the shadowed Ent but still blurred in the mist of vision. They were tall, large forms and human. Seekers? No. Something about them made her eyes squint hard to make them come into focus. She couldn’t be sure as it had been from stories and books but they looked like a clan from the north that long ago left into another realm.
Had they returned? Could Meagan be with them? And then as though straight out of her prayers her sister’s form took shape until Elanor came face to face with her.
“Meagan!”
A gasp of air hissed in the quiet of the astral plane. “Elanor!”
“I can’t believe I did it! Are you alright? Have you made it to safety? Tell me where to find you, we’ll come for you!” The words poured out of her in a rush of excitement. She’d thought cast her sister’s awareness into the plane. Her younger sister’s face so much like Teagan’s, mirrored the happiness. Joy shimmered and floated in bright lovely light now.
“I’ve made it to shelter. The volcano can’t reach us here. I have missed you so much. All of you! But you mustn’t come here. It’s too dangerous and I won’t be here when you arrive. I’m to go through a star light veil and Elanor- it’s one of the old ones. It won’t be here for another two years when the stars align again.”
Another two years! She shook her head in denial wanting to tell her not to go in it! But her sister spoke quickly as though she didn’t have much more time to speak.
“Elanor, I’ve seen Mother, she’s worried about you being off your path. She sent you a vision to set you back on it. She’s watching over all five of us. She wants us to find happiness and joy. And- she’s with us always.” She felt a warmth radiate through her energy. Meagan’s elemental power was spirit and she had connected with the other side since they were little girls. Meagan had been the first to discover the true strength of their powers.
Elanor’s throat felt raw, tightening with emotion reaching her translucent hand towards her sister. “Are you sure that we can’t help you, Meagan? Isn’t there a way?” The wispy image of her sister shook in denial of that. “No. We have to move now. We were resting and I can feel them stirring around me. Take care of yourself and send my love to our sisters and Father. You tell them I’m going to be just fine. I will see you all when it’s possible. Please Elanor, Mother was insistent….don’t carry it alone.” Before Elanor could protest the fading image of her sister disappeared from the plane. A soft sound of misery penetrated the silence of the astral plane.
No, this wasn’t how she’d thought it would be when she found Meagan!
For the first time since the accident she had to face the reality that there wasn’t anything to be do but wait for her sister to find her own way home. Elanor had forgotten about the Ent who lingered nearby in her conscience. It fed on her anguish and frustration squealing in delight.
“Your blood, it comes.” The demon hissed through her searching thoughts. “Your blood on water!” More riddles. The scene began to merge with new colors. Grays and navy blues overcame the reds and blacks. Like a candle melting they streamed. Through the haze of the dream she could see now a ship on the sea. It was one of her Father’s merchant ships. She could see Nain and her Father standing on the deck looking worried.
“They’re coming here!”
“They lost! They lost you. Searching now.”
“Derek sent them word that I was here. No. They’re coming for me.” The shadow danced more frantically, screeching in laughter.
“He didn’t! He didn’t! Lied, lied, lied, lied!”
“You’re the one lying.” He wouldn’t do that to her. Not after all the things they’d been through, the things she’d shared with him. He wouldn’t.
“I heards him! He never is going to let you leave! You are trapped just like I!” Hateful laughter filled her ears. It couldn’t be true it was another ploy to upset her. Dark entities fed off fear, hopelessness, sadness. She tried to gain her composure but something caught her eye through the haze. Another ship was bearing down on her Father’s. Like a shark emerging it’s fin, the sails of the other ship stalked the merchant ship.
“No!” Without hesitation she reached for the silver cord. The terrible sound of the Ent’s laughter faded from her ears. Through darkness she pulled until the fog of sleep and weakness ebbed within her conscience.
She fought to open her eyes.
***
“There you are. Finally had enough sleep did you?” On the table perfectly intact was the bowls and pitcher when she reached the bottom of the stairs and entered the kitchen. Derek stood near the table as though he’d just set them there.
Could he have tricked her? After all they’d been through would he really have lied?
“Did you send word to my father that I was with you and where we are?”
The mounting pain of knowing she couldn’t reach Meagan now even if he’d relented and the ships on the sea overwhelmed her. She couldn’t think straight or wait for his answers. Emotion and fear twisted her insides. She didn’t want to believe he’d lied to her but the way he stood staring at her instead of answering…
Her hands balled into fists.
“Did you send word or not!”
His brows raised in surprise and then lowered in a concentrated frown. “We’re back to this, now? Right now? Honestly Ela, you have sunken wells under your eyes and-”
“Don’t! I want a real, honest answer from you. No more mockery. No more jokes. Tell me!” She watched his expressions change from one to the next. Shaking his head in the end only to rub a hands over his entire face before answering.
“No, I did not.” He said. “And, frankly I will not. Not until-”
“How could you do this?” She exploded. “ After everything I’ve told you! After everything that’s happened! I held up my part of the bargain, Derek!”
“I won’t because I’m not going to let anything or anyone take you out of my life again! You’re my wife and that means something!” His fist slammed down on the counter top making King yelp and run for the next room.
“How can you be so selfish? Do you understand what you’ve done? Do you even care!” Near hysterical she had to sit down in a chair, her legs weak.
“Why are you asking me that? If I didn’t care I wouldn’t keep fighting so hard to keep us together!” He shouted.
“That’s why you’re so selfish! My family has suffered so much and all you can think of is yourself!” Elanor said. “My Mother was killed, Araminta lost her baby and Maegan is….lost to us for a longer time now!”
“Elanor it’s a repeated list of anguish you’re holding onto for dear life! It’s time for you to let it go! What happened to your Mother and sister wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t our fault. I thanked every high power I’d ever heard of that night and since, that you were with me instead of in that carriage! And I won’t feel guilty for it!”
“How can you say that? I might have been able to help! I could have done something. And then, I had a real chance finding Meagan. A real chance! I could have found her but because I’m with you, again,” Hot tears streaked down her cheeks the words coming out chokingly. “I’ve lost that chance. It’s gone. And my family is in danger, again. They’re looking for me and they’re about to be attacked.”
“Stop it. Stop doing this, Elanor.” He said. “You can’t be the one to save everyone, every time something goes wrong! You have to let what happened go. You weren’t even sure of where Meagan was exactly so you didn’t lose anything! Your Father isn’t going to just take a ship out and sail around all over looking for you. I would think he’s got more sense than that. You going to try and help them would only make things worse.” He moved closer reaching his hand out to touch hers on the table top. “You’re just tired from yesterday. You’re overreacting again. Go back to bed. We’ll talk about everything when you’ve had some rest.”
“No!” She ripped her hand away from his. “ You are going to take me back to Port NewLlyn. Now. Today!”
“Damn it!” He thundered. “We’re not going to go through this over and over again! Get back upstairs and rest, now. I’m your husband and-”
“This is why I left.” Elanor yelled back. “This is why I didn’t stay!”
It stopped him short. “What?”
“After the carriage accident, I went to live with Nain, by my own choice.” He froze, not a portion of his body moved. “I told you that Father had wanted us to go… but he told me I should stay with you. I left with them because it was the right thing to do. We had already- and I knew you wouldn’t understand why I needed to do something, anything for my family. You still don’t understand!”
“Are you saying, you left me?”
“How could we continue on, when so many terrible things had happened because of it? I should have been with them. I should have been there to help stop that man from-” Her throat felt tight. “It wasn’t fair for me to have what I wanted when…it came with such a cost to my whole family. If I had been there with them, I could have healed Mother and I could have healed Araminta. Even if we couldn’t have stopped the accident, I would have been there to use my abilities.” Fresh tears ran down her cheeks. He didn’t say anything. Just staring at her endlessly. A look of disbelief turned to stone. Realization washed over the stone and she knew he finally understood.
“You didn’t and still don’t know how to heal with your magic though. The woman at the market, she was the first you have ever tried to heal isn’t she?”
She balled her hand into a fist, shaking her head. “Yes and I’ve told you. I just have to think and I don’t have a certain script of words to say. It’s my intention. I could have done something if I had been there.”
“When you say I don’t understand, what you’re really saying is I’m not agreeing with you. So I’m wrong. All this time. All that planning. You left me, willing.” Derek said. “I thought I was reuniting us. Giving you back what we wanted. But you left willingly. We could have mourned together, Elanor. We didn’t have to lose years. We didn’t vow just a year and day. We made a sacred vow of forever and a day, remember? We were mated for life. We’ve been in love since we were old enough to understand what that is. And you left.” His voice faded and a silence fell heavily over the kitchen.
She dragged a shaking hand over her cheeks fighting the sobs that were building up in her chest. But it was no use, they stole her breath and shook her shoulders. She hated the hurt on his face and it spoiled her stomach nearly making her sick.
“Let me ask you something, Elanor.” His gray eyes had taken on a coloring she’d never seen before. Cold rich solid pools of grey blue stared almost through her. “You would never give up being a caster. There’s danger that will always be attached to your magic- yet, you have never considered giving that up. Though the first sign of trouble you can’t handle or can’t control…you start demanding that I let you leave again.” Derek let the words fall between them like cannon fire and each one hit their mark. She could feel her body reacting to them yet her mind battled back with her own reasoning until his last point landed.
“You gave up on us then and you’re giving up on us now.” His shoulders squared and he turned his back to her walking towards the door. “I’ll take you back to Port NewLlyn.”
Months she’d fought for him to say that. When it finally came from him though, it didn’t give her the relief she’d been expecting. Instead, it felt as though he’d just said-
“I give up.”
And it devastated her. She had no right to be upset that he’d finally given into her demands but Elanor clenched her fists watching him walk towards the door. Her nails bit into the tender skin of her palms. The slow drain of realizing what had just happened left her inexplicably empty. She’d finally told him everything, down to the part why she needed to make amends to her family but he only heard that she had left him two years ago. It struck her hard that this had everything to do with him and then, nothing at all. She wanted to say something but didn’t know how.
After another long moment of staring at her, he shook his head and left.
On wobbly legs she stood. Deep gulping breaths helped her take the stairs.
Think of something else or break down right here and now…
They had to make it there in time to help her Father and Grandmother or she’d never forgive herself. She didn’t know if she would be able to forgive herself for the pain that she’d just caused Derek either.
How many times would be enough in making a choice between happiness and atonement?