Chapter 5
Gabby wanted to lock herself in the bathroom and not come out until he was gone, but she knew she couldn’t do that. First of all, she doubted he’d leave until he saw her. Second, she wasn’t a coward. So despite wanting to hide, she dried her tears and went to face him.
They stood on opposite sides of the room, staring at each other. He’d asked if she was all right and she’d been honest. She was anything but all right. He tied her up in knots, made her forget good sense, and generally made her crazy.
Jax took a step toward her and then seemed to think better of it. “Are you hungry? I warmed up some of the Chinese food.”
She wasn’t really, but it was that or asking him to leave, which she hadn’t completely ruled out. “Sure.”
He pushed the plate she knew he’d made for himself in her direction and motioned that she should have a seat while he got up to make himself a new plate. This was why it was so difficult to remind herself that she couldn’t trust him. If it was an act, that would be different, but it wasn’t. This was just Jax. He’d always put her first. Always.
Until the day he’d told her he was leaving town.
Pushing those thoughts aside, she picked up the fork he’d left behind and stabbed a piece of chicken. Her stomach didn’t rebel, so she kept eating. After taking a couple more bites, she realized she was hungry after all.
The microwave dinged and Jax brought his new plate full of food to the table. They ate in silence for several minutes before he finally spoke. “I didn’t mean for that to happen.”
“I know.” It would be so easy to blame him, but it wasn’t his fault. Not entirely. Not at all, actually. After all, he had been the one to say it wasn’t a good idea.
More awkward silence followed. It had been bad enough the first time it happened. She could write it off as a fluke, bad judgment. But for it to happen again? She couldn’t dismiss it so easily. Was she doomed for the rest of her life to love a man who’d left her and their child?
Gabby didn’t want to examine that too closely, so she did the only thing she could do. She deflected. “You said you wanted to come over tonight to talk about custody.”
He released a breath loud enough for her to hear. “I want us to all be together on Christmas. I think Taylor needs that.”
“How do you know what Taylor needs?” Gabby regretted her outburst the moment the words left her mouth. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have—”
“Last weekend she had a nightmare.”
“What?” Gabby asked, irritation mixing with concern for her daughter. “Why didn’t you say something when you brought her home?”
“Because it was about me. Or not being able to find me, that is. Taylor said she’d dreamed that she searched everywhere and couldn’t find me. She came to my room crying, so I let her sleep in my bed Saturday night.”
Gabby didn’t know what to say. She was upset and worried and wanted to hold her little girl and make sure she knew that no matter what, Gabby would always be there for her. “You should have told me.”
“You’re right. I should have. But it was over and I didn’t want to upset you.”
“So you wait to tell me until Taylor’s two hours away and I can’t do anything about it?” She pushed the plate away from her. Her food had lost all its flavor.
“Are you really mad because I didn’t tell you our daughter had a nightmare or because we made love again?” His tone was matter of fact as he stared at her from across the table.
She didn’t want to talk about what had happened tonight. Not now. Not ever. And definitely not with him. “I think you should go.”
“We need to talk about this.”
Pushing away from the table, Gabby stood and took her plate to the counter. She dug out some containers to put her uneaten food into, glad for something to do that put some space between them. “There’s nothing to talk about.”
He didn’t answer right away, but when he did she felt him come up behind her. “I think there is.”
Gabby closed her eyes, bracing herself for his touch and hating the fact that she craved it.
His hands wrapped around her forearms and he pressed his front to her back, the heat of him stirring her desire once again. This wasn’t supposed to happen. She’d had three years to get over him and she thought she had. Until he’d waltzed back into their lives.
“I can’t do this,” she whispered.
“Can’t do what?” His breath tickled the hairs at the back of her neck.
“This. Us.”
He didn’t back away. If anything, he leaned into her more, trapping her between his body and the counter. “I’m sorry I left you and Taylor, but at the time I thought it was the right thing.”
Turning around, she looked him in the eyes. “The right thing? How could you possibly think leaving me and your child was the right thing?”
Something in his expression changed for a split second, and before she could get a read on what it was, he left her standing there and went to get his plate from where he’d left it on the table. He started gathering the food up, closing the containers, acting as if they hadn’t been in the middle of a discussion. That was when it hit her that there might have been a reason why he’d left. Not because he was scared of being a father, which was what she’d always assumed, but a real, honest to goodness reason.
He brought his plate over and set it down beside hers. “Did you want to save this or just trash it?”
There was still a fair amount of food on his plate and she didn’t want to be wasteful. Besides, it wasn’t as if she hadn’t swapped germs with him already.
Thinking about his mouth on hers had her lips tingling again. What was it about Jax? She’d been on two dates since he left, mainly just to get out of the house, and neither of them had come close to making her feel what he did simply by being in the same room with her.
She cleared her throat and concentrated on the task at hand. “Leave it. I can eat the leftovers tomorrow. It will save me from having to cook.”
Once everything was in containers, she stuck them into the refrigerator. She’d been slowly putting things away, drawing it out as much as possible, to avoid their next awkward conversation. He’d come to talk about Christmas and he was right in that they needed to get on the same page.
Gabby thought he’d be sitting at the table waiting on her, but instead he was standing in the living room, looking out the window. As she drew closer, she realized he was frowning. “What is it?”
He motioned for her to look outside.
It took her a moment, but then she noticed it. Ice. The snow that had been falling when he’d arrived had changed to freezing rain and there was a thin coat of ice on everything. She knew what that meant. No matter how upset and hurt she was with him, there was no way she’d make him drive on a sheet of ice. Not when he didn’t have to.
“I’ve got some extra blankets and a pillow in the closet. You can crash on the couch.”
Jax glanced at her and then back outside. “I can probably make it to my apartment. It isn’t that far.”
She squared her shoulders, preparing for a fight. “No, you’re not.”
“It would be better if I left. We both know that.”
“That’s your answer to everything, isn’t it?” Gabby huffed, turned on her heel, and marched down the hall. She opened the door to the closet and selected a fitted sheet, two blankets, a pillow, and a pillowcase.
When she made her way back into the living room with the armful of bedding, he was still standing at the window. She had just placed the items on the couch when he spoke. “I lied to you.”
Gabby froze, her heart pounding. “What do you mean?”
He shoved his hands in his pockets and turned to face her. “I know when I left I made it sound as if I was scared of fatherhood, of all the unknowns it would bring, but that was a lie.” He looked down at the floor and then back at her. “I left because I thought I was dying.”
***
The look on Gabby’s face had him wanting to take the words back. He shouldn’t have said anything.
“Wh-what do you mean you were dying?” A million different emotions were playing across her face. He had no idea which one she’d settle on. For the moment, shock seemed to be winning out over the rest. Not that he could blame her. He’d felt the same way when he’d gotten the call.
“Do you remember the morning about a week before I left when I ran to the store to get diapers and baby wipes?”
She nodded.
“On the way home, I got a call from my doctor. You remember I’d been having those headaches.”
Gabby sucked in a loud breath and he knew she remembered. He used to sit with his head in her lap, her massaging his temples when they got really bad.
“I went in to see a specialist, hoping they could find out why I was getting them.” He knew it was better to get it all out. Better to rip off the Band-Aid in one go. “They found a mass pressing against my spine near the base of my skull.”
All color left Gabby’s face, and she reached for the arm of the couch and sat down. It took her a minute to get her bearings. “Cancer?”
“Luckily, no. But I didn’t know that at the time. I didn’t know much of anything except that the doctor said it needed to be removed or the headaches would continue to get worse.” Jax took a deep breath. “He said it was high risk, given where the mass was located. If something went wrong with the surgery, I might not be able to walk, talk, take care of myself . . . and that was assuming it wasn’t cancer.”
She wasn’t looking at him. In fact, he wasn’t sure she was looking at much of anything.
He crossed the room and took a seat next to her on the couch. After several minutes passed and she didn’t say anything, he touched her arm.
Her reaction was swift and immediate. She jerked her arm away from him and stood, putting several feet between them. When she faced him, her eyes were blazing with anger. “Don’t you dare touch me.”
“I’m sorry. I was just worried about you. You were so quiet—”
“You were worried about me? Worried? You stopped having a right to be worried about me when you walked out that door three years ago.”
He held his hands in front of him, pleading with her to understand. “I didn’t do it to hurt you. It was the last thing I wanted. But I didn’t want to be a burden to you and Taylor. She was so small and she needed you. I couldn’t take you away from her.”
Gabby got a hard look on her face. She pressed her lips together in a thin line and narrowed her eyes. “So instead you took yourself away from both of us.”
Before he could decide how to respond to that, she marched in the direction of her bedroom. He didn’t follow her.
Running a frustrated hand over his head, he contemplated driving home again, but decided against it. Not only was it dangerous, but he needed to fix things with Gabby. While he had little hope they would ever have the type of relationship they’d had before, they did need to find a way to interact for Taylor’s sake.
Jax took the bedding Gabby had brought out for him and began making up the couch. It crossed his mind that her bed would be a lot more comfortable, but quickly quashed that train of thought. If he walked into her bedroom right then he’d probably get something chucked at his head.
He kicked off his shoes, stripped down to his boxers, and slipped under the blanket. Staring up at the ceiling, he listened to the sounds of the house. Every now and then he thought he heard Gabby moving around in her bedroom, and he ached to go to her.
He closed his eyes and groaned in frustration. This was going to be a long night.
The sound of Gabby’s phone ringing had him sitting up. He heard her talking, but he couldn’t make out what she was saying. Given the time, it was most likely Taylor.
His suspicions were confirmed when, not long after he heard her stop talking, his cell rang. “Hey.”
“Have you talked to Gabby lately?” his mother asked, not bothering with pleasantries.
“Yeah. We talked earlier. Why?” There was no way he was going to tell his mom that he was currently on Gabby’s couch.
“I hung up with her a minute ago and . . . I don’t know. She didn’t sound like herself. Did you notice anything when you talked to her?”
He hated lying to his mother, but in this case he was going to make an exception. Or, at least, not be completely truthful. “Maybe you caught her in the middle of something.”
“I don’t think that was it. Maybe you should call her. It’s still early.”
“Mom, Gabby and I aren’t a couple anymore. I’m sure she wouldn’t appreciate me sticking my nose into her business.”
“Yes, but—”
“Mom.” He waited for a moment to make sure she was listening. “I know you mean well, but Gabby and I have to navigate through things in our own way. You need to respect that.”
His mom sighed. “I just want to see you both happy again like you were when you were together. That day in the hospital after Taylor was born was the happiest I’d ever seen either of you.”
Jax didn’t say anything because there was nothing to say. He recalled the moment she was referring to. His heart had been full of love for Gabby, Taylor, and their future together as a family. The engagement ring he’d bought the week before was burning a hole in his pocket, but he wanted to wait until he was able to take her out for a nice dinner and propose the right way. The phone call from his doctor had come before he’d gotten the chance.
Needing to change the subject, he asked how things were going in Kansas City.
“She seems to like it so far. The weather put a wrench in our dinner plans, so we just ordered pizza and stayed in the hotel. She’s having fun channel surfing with Grandpa.” He heard her chuckle, and then her voice sounded farther away. “Taylor, did you want to say good night to Daddy?”
A few seconds later, his daughter’s voice filled his ears. “Hi, Daddy.”
“Hi, Pumpkin. Are you having fun with Grandma and Grandpa?”
He could hear the phone being moved and imagined she was probably nodding her head. “We’s order pizza ’cause it was rainin’ and Gran’ma didn’t want to get her hair wet.”
Jax bit the inside of his lip to keep from laughing. “Well, I’m glad you didn’t get wet.”
Their conversation went on for a few more minutes with Taylor telling him about the big trucks she saw on the way there. He loved hearing the way she saw the world.
By the time he said good night and placed his cell on the table nearby, he had almost forgotten about what had happened with Gabby. Almost.
There were no longer sounds coming from her room and he wondered if she was asleep or if she was lying there thinking about the fact that he’d been in her bed only a couple of hours ago. His mind immediately went to how it felt to have her under him again. No matter how much he tried to convince himself this thing between them was over, the pull he felt toward her wouldn’t let up, and it seemed to be the same for her.
Flopping onto his back, he tried to push away the memories and the hope that came with them. He wanted her. He always had. Leaving hadn’t changed that. And coming back sure as hell hadn’t either.
He had no idea how long he lay there, his mind going a million miles a minute, before he threw off the blanket and padded down the hall to her bedroom. The door was closed and the lights were off, but he could have sworn he heard the muffled sound of crying.
“Gabby? Are you okay?” he asked.
“I’m fine. Go to sleep.” Her voice shook slightly and he knew he’d been right. His heart broke and all he wanted to do was comfort her.
Placing his palm flat on the door, he leaned his forehead against it and closed his eyes. She wasn’t going to accept his comfort. Not now.
He lifted his head, looking at the door in front of him—the door that separated them. If only that was the thing keeping them apart. A physical barrier could be removed.
Jax released a heavy breath, removed his hand, and whispered, “Good night, Gabby,” before heading back to his makeshift bed on the couch.