Brou shifts so his arms, instead of my body, take the brunt of his weight. “I want to be with you, like this, every day. Not just six days each month.” It sounds like even less time together when you put it in that perspective.
His hair falls forward and I push it back so I can clearly see his eyes. Those damn beautiful blue magnets. They suck me in every time I look into them. “That’s what I want too.”
“This is stating the obvious but one of us has to relocate if we’re going to make that happen.”
“But it won’t be you.” Another obvious fact even if he’s not saying it.
“I’m sorry, Wren. I can’t. Everything I have is tied up in this company. Stout and Porter depend on me. I’m not in a place where I can walk away.”
“I understand.” I would never ask him to give up what he has at Lovibond. It’s too successful to abandon.
“I know I’m being a selfish bastard, but I’m asking you to come here to be with me.”
“And do what with my shop? Law of Attraction isn’t a multimillion-dollar company like Lovibond but it earns plenty for me. I’ve worked hard to get where I am. Walking away from all I’ve accomplished wouldn’t be easy.” But I might be willing to do it for a future with Brou.
“I’ve been thinking about your options. Seems to me you have three. One: hire another employee, maybe two, depending on how the books look. Let Wynter take over your role. You become a fixture in the background and oversee things from a distance.”
“I don’t like that idea at all. It requires me to fully trust people with my business. My money. I don’t think I can do that.” I trust no one wholly except Ollie.
“Okay. Option two: relocate the shop to Birmingham.”
I have concerns about the success of a shop like mine in a town like Birmingham. “I do a ton of business with tourists on River Street. I’m not sure it could stay afloat here.”
“Option three: sell the shop. You can find work here, maybe at Lovibond. Or not at all. Just come be with me and I’ll take care of you.”
Take care of me?
I could never give up my financial independence. I always need a way out. “None of these options are ideal.”
“I’m all ears if you have something else in mind; I want you to be happy. But I want you to be happy with me.”
That’s the thing. I can’t think of a better option. “Coming here means giving up my business. My home. All my friends and family, except Ollie. Mostly everything.”
“Your sacrifice doesn’t go unnoticed. As much as I hate to see you give up the things you love, I’m a selfish bastard. I want you here with me every day. Every night.” I want that too. But do I want it more than the life I’ve established?
I can’t walk away from everything without some kind of promise. “If I do this, give up my life in Savannah to come here, what kind of commitment are you making to me?”
“What kind of commitment do you want?”
“I’d like to know you plan on having a future with me. I can’t give up everything, come here, and have this end in six months or a year.”
“I wouldn’t ask you to do all of this if I didn’t want this to be long-term.”
“Does long-term include asking me to marry you? Have children?”
Brou moves off me so we’re side by side. “Whoa, Wren. Where is this coming from?”
Is he really surprised I’m bringing up these things? I’d be a fool if I didn’t. “I’m asking you to be honest with me, and yourself, about our relationship and where you see it going.”
“I love you and I want to be together. That’s all that matters.” There’s so much more to this and if he can’t see that, we have a problem.
“I love you, but I need to know where you see our relationship when you picture us a year from now. Five. Ten.” I’d be crazy to give up my life without asking the hard questions.
“I see us together and happy.” Not specific enough.
“I’m not asking for a marriage proposal or babies today. I’m not ready for either of those things right now but I need to hear you say both aren’t completely off the table in the future.”
He rolls away so he’s flat on his back looking at the ceiling instead of me. “You’ve knocked me for a loop, Wren. I wasn’t expecting this conversation tonight. I’m not prepared for it.” Could he not predict I’d want to have a heart-to-heart about marriage and babies since we’re talking about completely uprooting my life?
“Not today, or tomorrow, but one day I plan on being married. I want to have my husband’s babies. There’s no need in leaving my life behind to come here if you are already certain you’ll never consider marrying me or reversing the vasectomy.”
He runs his hands through his hair and growls. “You wouldn’t want me for a husband. I was horrible.”
“You were never a husband. Just a nineteen-year-old kid who knocked up your best friend and then married her because you thought it was the right thing to do.” It was destined to fail from the start.
“You don’t want kids with me. I was a horrible father.”
“You didn’t get the chance to be a father.”
“You don’t know the terrible things I did, the awful words I said and thought, before Eli was born.”
I’m sure no nineteen-year-old kid is stoked about becoming a father. “Then tell me and I’ll be the judge.”
He places the palms of his hands over his eyes so his fingers wrap around his forehead into his hair. “Bridgette told me she was pregnant and my first response was denial. I told myself she was wrong. There was no way. We only did it once. But that only got me by until she showed me the pregnancy test.” I think denial is an appropriate response. No harm in that.
“Next was feeling sorry for myself because I was going to be forced to give up my freedom and all the fun I was having. Instead of partying, I’d be working, married to someone I wasn’t in love with, and taking care of a baby I didn’t want. I pretended I was a standup guy and happy to do the right thing but I wasn’t. I put off marrying Bridgette for months because I hoped she’d lose the baby so we could call off the wedding. I wished my own kid away. And it came true.” This is his darkness. He’s finally showing it to me.
That’s a terrible burden to carry. “You can’t possibly think Eli’s death was your fault.”
“Eli was given a death sentence the moment he was conceived. I know that, but you can’t imagine the guilt I’ve carried over how little value I placed on his life in those early months.”
“You were a kid with immature thoughts.” Completely expected.
“Bridgette was about halfway through the pregnancy the first time I saw him on the sonogram. We found out he was a boy and decided to name him Eli. I felt his tiny body moving inside Bridg and everything changed. Instead of being a problem I wanted to be rid of, he became my son. I loved him, and I desperately wanted him to live.”
“Of course, you did.”
“Even though my feelings changed, and I came to love him, I’ll never forgive myself for wishing him away. It’s a guilt I’ll carry for the rest of my life.”
“You have to forgive yourself.”
He says nothing as he stares at the ceiling. I have to convince him he’s worthy of being happy. Being a husband. Fathering another a child.
I climb over him so I can hold his face. See his eyes. “Brou. You deserve happiness.”
“And you do too.”
“Then let’s be happy together.”
My eyes are locked on his but he breaks the connection by closing his lids. “I fear you want things I can’t give you.”
Can’t or won’t? There’s a difference.
“Are you telling me you will never consider marriage or reversing the vasectomy?” His answer will dictate the rest of this relationship.
I’m terrified; I know how decided he has been about both issues. But that was before me. Before us.
We’re so damn good together. But I won’t give up my dream. The fairy tale exists, and I’m going to fight for it.
“Think hard and make sure you mean what you say before you answer.” Either way.
“I can’t do it, Wren.” Again with the can’t. He could at least use the correct term and say won’t.
My heart fractures down the middle and shatters into a million shards.
“I want nothing more than to be with you every day but I’d be lying to get you here if I said I would consider getting married again or reversing the vasectomy.”
The saddest discovery you can ever make is realizing you’ve fallen truly, madly, and deeply in love with a dream that will never be.
My mistake.
I didn’t need a marriage proposal tonight or a promise to give me a child. All I wanted to see was some kind of compromise on Brou’s part so I didn’t feel like I was the only one conceding. Instead, I see how content he is to make no concessions while I give up everything.
I slide to the side of the bed. “Where are you going?”
“Bathroom.”
The door barely shuts before the warm droplets slide down my cheeks.
I can’t be with a man who uses the past to dictate his future. Or one who cares so little about me, he’s unwilling to compromise. It took a while but I finally love myself too much to settle for that. It required years of counseling to get to this place but I know what I want for my future.
Part of me wants to cry out, “Why am I not enough?” Maybe even throw a kicking tantrum. But I am wise enough to know this isn’t really about his inability to compromise. He’s never truly dealt with the loss. And it is my heart that will have to break because of it.
I won’t get my happily ever after with this amazing man.
There it is. A miserable end to our epic love story. I feel so cheated. It was only the beginning. But it’s wise to end it now.
I hate these falling tears.
I hate this pain.
I hate this ache in my chest.
Brou taps on the bathroom door as I’m pulling on a T-shirt and pair of jeans I found in my bag. “Everything okay in there, baby?” No. Nothing is okay.
I clear my voice so I won’t sound like I’ve been crying. “I’ll be out in a minute.”
I finish dressing and pull my hair into a knot before stuffing my things into my bag. Shit. I have to get all those clothes hanging in his closet.
I open the bathroom door and come face to face with Brou, his eyes scanning my clothing. His mouth opens and he shakes his head. I see torment. It possibly mirrors mine. “No, no, no. Wren, you’re not doing this.”
He catches my arm but I pull it from his grasp. “I am.”
“Please don’t.”
I place my bag on the bed and go into the closet to fetch my clothes. “I won’t try to drive back to Savannah tonight since it’s so late. I’ll stay at Ollie’s until morning.”
He stands at the closet doorway as I pull clothing from hangers. “Please don’t leave me, Wren. I love you.”
“Not enough.”
He blocks me from leaving the closet. “Don’t say that.”
“Love is about give and take. Meeting halfway in the middle. If I come here, your life stays the same while everything in mine changes. I was content with that as long as you were willing to consider thinking about the two things I want. No promises. No guarantees. I only asked you to think about them but you won’t even do that. I can’t be with someone unwilling to compromise.”
“I’m sorry, Wren. You picked the two things in my life where a middle ground doesn’t exist.”
“I’m sorry too because it’s a deal breaker for me.” I step around him and place my clothing in my bag. This is it. There’s nothing left to say unless he changes his mind.
Brou comes closer and pulls me into his arms, pressing his forehead to mine. “You have no idea how badly I want to give you everything your heart desires. But I can't. And it’s killing me. My heart is breaking.”
“Mine too.” I thought he loved me enough to try harder than this.
“This shouldn’t be happening. We ought to be in bed making love instead of breaking up.”
“Something we can agree upon.”
Brou holds the sides of my face and kisses my forehead. “This isn’t right. I love you and want you to stay.”
I could have waited until morning but I don’t see the point if he isn’t changing his mind. “I love you too but I have to leave. You’ve given me no choice.”
“This is it? No more weekends? No more… anything?” No. No more Lucas Broussard in my life.
And that’s more than a damn shame.
“What’s the point when we’re going nowhere? It’ll only cause me more pain if I don’t end things now.” I can’t carry on knowing it will only keep ripping out my heart.
“Just because we’re not walking down the aisle doesn’t mean we’re not going anywhere. Lots of couples are happy without being married and having kids.” He hasn’t heard me.
“But that’s not what I want.” Being with Brou only confirms it more. I want his heart forever, and I want his children.
“I can’t change your mind?”
“I can’t change yours?”
“Then I guess there’s nothing else for me to say.”
Brou releases his hold and follows me to the car, carrying my bag. He opens the driver’s door but closes it before I’m able to get inside. “Fuck, I don’t want this. Saying goodbye to you is killing me.”
I could throw my arms around him and say screw marriage and kids because all I want is him. But I’d be cheating myself. And lying.
I place my hands on his face, my palms against his beard. Oh, God, this is the last time I’ll touch him like this. “I love you, Lucas Broussard.”
“And I love you, Lawrence Thorn.”
His eyes are locked on mine. “Kiss me before you go. Please.” One last kiss won’t hurt.
I lick my lips and it’s all the permission he needs. His mouth lands on mine, and he pulls my body hard against his. His kiss is slow, romantic, yet dominant. Different from all our others.
This is a goodbye kiss. And it’s shattering my heart all over again.
When he releases me, his forehead is pressed to mine. “If you change your mind, I will be right here, waiting for you.”
I’m not settling. If he wants me, it’ll be on my terms. “You know where to find me if you change yours.”
* * *
“Oh, Ollie.” I launch myself into my brother’s arms when he opens his front door.
He wraps his arms around me and pets the back of my hair. Same thing he did when we were kids in an attempt to soothe me. “I’m gonna kill that fucker. What did he do to you?”
My chest is spasming to catch my breath. “Not… what… you… think.”
“Well, something happened and I doubt you’d be here if he weren’t the root of the problem.” Ollie takes my bag from my shoulder and ushers me to the couch. “Tell me what he did, Lawry. The truth. Don’t sugarcoat it to protect him.”
“Nothing bad.”
“You sitting here crying your eyes out says otherwise. It’s not convincing me I shouldn’t go kick his ass right now.”
Ollie doesn’t know how serious our relationship has gotten so this may come as a surprise. “Brou told me he loved me last week. And I told him the same.”
“I’m not surprised. He told me a while ago he thought he was in love with you.” I didn’t know that.
“We agreed to take this weekend to talk about our future. Decide where we wanted things to go next.” One part of me wishes we’d never started that conversation. I was happy. I almost wish we could have stayed in that cocoon we’d built together. But it wasn’t real. It wasn’t forever.
“Tap being open to discussing a future with you blows my mind. But I take it that didn’t go over well since you’re here crying, so what did he say?”
“We started out discussing who would relocate. I already knew going in it would be me because he can’t leave Lovibond. And that’s fine. I was willing to move for him but not without some kind of commitment.”
“Oh, God. The C word.”
I punch Ollie in the arm. Hard. “You, asshole! You’re siding with him.”
“Oww.” He rubs his bicep. “I’m not siding with Tap over you. I said that because I assume your idea of commitment is marriage, and I know how he is about that.”
“What do you know about it?”
“Says he’ll never marry or have children. I’ve heard him say it at least a dozen times.”
“You know, I didn’t expect a proposal or babies right now. I asked him to be open to considering them in the future.” Not really even a commitment if you think about it. Consideration isn’t pledging anything to me.
“Lawry, you asked him for the two things he’s adamant he never wants.”
“I thought he might reconsider if he loved me enough.” I was wrong.
“Both of those things caused him a lot of pain in the past. He’s terrified of going there again.” He has never sorted through the guilt from an adult’s point of view. He still sees everything from a teenage boy perspective. Self-focused. He’s terrified because he’s not analyzed his marriage or the death of his baby with knowledge and wisdom.
“If he can’t stop making decisions based on the past, we can’t be together.”
End of story.
End. Of. Us.
Period.
I’ve been through some hard shit in my life. But I’m certain the hardest thing I'll ever do is walk away from Lucas Broussard, still loving him.