Lance

 

I wished she hadn’t told me about her premonition.

 

Not that I believed in premonitions or superstitions. It was all a bunch of bullshit to get people to give money or whatever they were supposed to do. Psychics and fortune tellers, shit like that. It wasn’t real.

 

Still. I shivered a little when Jamie told me she had a feeling about her parents before they died. I couldn’t shake it as I walked out of the clubhouse.

 

“You all right, man?” Flash clapped me on the shoulder.

 

“Just fine,” I said, grinning. “Let’s go find my ex.”

 

“You sure you’re not a little worn out from all the exercise you got today?” Slate and Jax laughed together.

 

I glared at them as we climbed on our bikes. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

 

“You know what it means.” Flash winked.

 

“You, too? Ugh. I thought you were a little more mature.” I shook my head, putting on my helmet.

 

“Hey, man, whatever. Get it while you can. She’s smokin’ hot,” Jax growled, looking back toward the clubhouse doors. I could imagine what he was thinking about, and I wanted to slap the shit out of him for it.

 

“Yeah, well, that’s my business. But if you think I’m an old man who can’t handle fucking and taking care of business on the same day, you’re sadly mistaken.” I turned on the bike, revving the engine before pulling out from my spot. The guys followed me. I heard them laughing, even over the roar of our engines. I put them behind me, trying to ignore it.

 

I was glad they couldn’t screw around with me while we rode. I didn’t need them to laugh and make fun. I didn’t even know how the hell I felt about Jamie. They weren’t making it any easier on me.

 

She was hot, yeah. Jax was right about that. Anybody with eyes could see it. She was more than that, though. She wasn’t just a body. She had a heart, a good heart. She loved my kid. She was smart. She didn’t take bullshit. I admired her for that.

 

And she was phenomenal in bed. I couldn’t forget that either. My cock was still getting over her.

 

Any other woman and I wouldn’t have cared about the jokes. I probably would’ve joked along with the guys. She wasn’t like the other women. Not like any woman we knew or would know in our world. Women like Erica and Traci. The no-name women we slept around with.

 

I wasn’t comfortable with the way I felt. It was new to me. She was new. What could I bring to her life except more of the same shit I’d been bringing to it since we met? The fighting and the fear and the bad shit she had no idea how to deal with. That was all I had. It was who I was.

 

If I couldn’t bring anything to her life…what the hell could I bring to Gigi’s life?

 

I didn’t like thinking about it, but it was a long ride to the bus station, and I didn’t have anything else to think about. There was a reason Rae didn’t want me being a part of Gigi’s life, and it wasn’t the way we broke up. Even though she was a junkie, she thought she could give our daughter a better life than I could. That was a sad, sobering thought. She didn’t want Gigi to be part of the club—she could’ve hit me up for money at any time, and she never did. She was that much against me being part of the kid’s life. Even when she shot up.

 

She wasn’t wrong, though. Neither of us deserved to be parents, especially to a kid like Gigi. Jamie said Rae raised her the way she was. I believed that, but not all the way. There was something special about her. She was like an old person in a kid’s body. She was smart, and wise. A great kid. She’d grow up to be a great woman if she had the chance.

 

I wasn’t sure I could give her that chance. That was the problem.

 

I didn’t know how to be a good father. It wasn’t enough to do the opposite of what had been done to me. Not being abusive wasn’t all there was to it. There were late nights, and helping with homework, and going to meetings and games and practices and recitals and shit like that. I didn’t even know if she liked to play sports, or if she had any special talents. Her mother probably didn’t know either. Would she ever grow up to be the person she could be with me in her life?

 

I couldn’t just hand her over, though. Not even to Jamie. I still wondered if she was only getting close to me so she could trick me into letting her have the kid. I didn’t want to believe she could be so cold, but I knew how much she cared about Gigi.

 

Maybe Jamie would make a better parent than I would.

 

I hated myself for thinking it. It felt like the coward’s way out, and I wasn’t a coward. If one of the guys in the club was going through something like I was, and they told me they thought about letting somebody else take care of their kid, I would think they were a coward.

 

I wouldn’t know the whole story, though. I wouldn’t know how it felt to wonder if I had what it took to raise a daughter. I wouldn’t know how it felt to wonder if exposing my kid to my lifestyle would fuck them up for life. I wouldn’t know the feeling of wanting them to have something better. My life was good enough for me. It was all I knew. She was better than that. She deserved more. I wouldn’t be like Hal, Erica’s dad. He was proud when she started hanging out with the club, working in the clubhouse after school. He loved it. She was following in his footsteps the way he followed in his old man’s footsteps. Even when he died, shot to death, she stayed around because she knew he would be proud of her. How fucked up could one family be?

 

Gigi wouldn’t turn out like her. She would know good people, have good things, get a good education. Jamie was the sort of person who could give her that, with my help.

 

Was I really thinking about sharing custody with a stranger? The thought made me sick, but I couldn’t stop thinking it over as we got to the bus station. I had to get my mind on business. I couldn’t keep distracting myself. It was all fantasy until I got my hands on Rae.

 

“Jax, see if there’s a back door you can guard. Slate, I want you at the front door, but hang back a little for now in case she’s not here yet. I don’t want her to see you. Flash, you come in with me.” We parked away from the entrance so Rae wouldn’t see the bikes if she showed up after we did. Jax went around back. I slid in my Bluetooth earpiece and started a conference call on my cell. In a minute, I had all three of my guys on the phone with me.

 

“Okay, guys. Keep your eyes open.” I looked around the inside of the bus terminal. The first thing I noticed was the way it smelled. Fuel. It was enough to give me a headache.

 

The next thing was the size of the building. It was fucking huge. Would I find her in such a huge place? When I did, would I catch her if she ran?

 

I couldn’t let those worries get in the way of what I had to do. I needed to catch her. I needed to know what she got herself into. It was all I could focus on. I had to imagine catching her, having her with me.

 

“Flash, hang back by the ticket booth, just in case. I’ll wait by the buses. I see the one she’ll be looking for.” The bus to New York sat in the middle of a row of buses. The door was shut, so nobody had boarded yet. I checked the time. Still twenty-five minutes until it left.

 

“Jax, you in position?” I muttered, looking around.

 

“Yeah. I’m by the back door.”

 

“Good. Just keep your eyes open. I’ll let you know if I see her, and if she’s coming your way.” I swept the space with my eyes. There were rows of benches, all clumped together. Some of them had people on them, but a lot were empty. I wished I had thought to put on something else before I left the clubhouse. If she saw the patch on my kutte, she’d run right away.

 

“Everybody, take off your kuttes. I just thought about it. I don’t wanna spook her.”

 

“You think she’ll freak out as soon as she sees us?” Flash asked.

 

“I think she’ll figure it out pretty quickly. Rae’s a lot of things, but she’s not totally stupid. She has to know I’m looking for her.”

 

There were so many people walking around. That surprised me the most. I didn’t think a lot of people still took the bus. I would rather fly. It was cheaper, though, and you didn’t need ID to get on a bus. If she were running, that would work in her favor. She could hide easier that way.

 

I was glad for the crowds and annoyed with them at the same time. I didn’t want them getting in the way, and I didn’t wanna miss her. But they kept me out of sight, too. She might not be able to recognize me in the middle of all those people. I hoped that was the case.

 

“Let me know if you see her,” I said.

 

“Of course we will.” That was Slate.

 

“Sorry. I’m a little nervous right now.”

 

“We’ve got your back,” Jax murmured.

 

“Thanks.” I watched and waited. Every minute that passed felt more like a year. When would she get there? I checked the time. Ten minutes.

 

“Still nothing,” I muttered, getting pissed. “I swear, if she doesn’t fucking show up…”

 

“She will,” Flash said. “If she bought a ticket, she’ll show. She wants to get far away.”

 

“What if he found her, first?” I didn’t need to say who I meant. They knew. What if he had? Up to that point, I hadn’t thought about it. With only ten minutes until the bus left, it looked like a good possibility. Shit.

 

Just then, Flash cleared his throat. “She’s coming.”

 

Every sense went into overdrive. I was completely focused. I slid behind a pillar, watching as the door between the ticket area and the waiting area opened. There she was.

 

“Fuck, she looks like hell,” I muttered. I hadn’t seen her in almost eight years, but it could have been twenty. She looked that much older.

 

“I almost didn’t recognize her,” Flash admitted.

 

“Yeah, I’m not sure I would have. Good looking out.” I stared at her. It was hard to believe I ever thought she was cute. I did, though, and she was. Before the needle fucked everything up.

 

“Come out here, Flash. Slowly. I want you guarding that door.” I stayed where I was, watching as Rae looked for the bus. She was jumpy, fidgety. Looking around like she was afraid. “Stay back, though,” I added. “She’s jumpy as hell. She’s looking for somebody.”

 

“Probably afraid he followed her,” Flash muttered. I saw him come out, maybe twenty feet behind Rae. He stood off to the side, where a bus blocked some of him. She wouldn’t notice him if she ran by.

 

“Yeah, she’s on alert. I have to be cool about this.” Her clothes were clean looking, at least, but old. Faded. Like they had been washed a hundred, two hundred times. Holes in her jeans. Her hair was dirty, tangled. Circles under her eyes. She looked sick. I wondered when she shot up last.

 

“Okay. I’m going after her. Cover me, guys.” I stepped out from behind the pillar and walked toward the bus. She was standing in front of it with a backpack over her shoulders. It was almost as big as she was.

 

“Rae?” I was ten, maybe fifteen feet away from her.

 

She turned, eyes wide.