45
Two hours later, Andrés comes down to the beach to get us. He’s in a good mood, and as we walk to the car, he tells us Eric is resting. I refuse to ask about anything. I’m pissed enough about the calls from those other women without asking about anything else. When we get to the chalet, I go directly to the pool.
Frida and Andrés disappear, and I’m alone. I pick up my iPod and put in my earbuds. I listen and sing along to Jessie James while lying on one of the hammocks. About a half hour later, Eric comes through the door, wearing very dark sunglasses. He stands by my side. I don’t look at him. I’m still mad. We stay like that for more than ten minutes until he pulls out one of my earbuds.
“Hello, little girl.”
I angrily grab the earbud and put it back in. When he sees I’m not interested in talking, he sits comfortably in one of the hammocks in front of me, crosses his arms behind his head, and just stares at me.
“For your own good, stop looking at me,” I say.
“Or? Are you going to spank me?”
I sigh. If I could, I’d slap him with an open hand.
“Look, Eric, now I’m the one who doesn’t want your company. Go take a walk.”
He grins, and that pisses me off even more.
I get up and he does the same. And then, without giving it a second thought, I turn around and shove him fully clothed into the pool.
“But, Jude, what are you doing?” he complains.
Quickly, I grab my beach bag and run to the room. I go directly to the shower, and there, I see Eric’s toiletry bag. For the first time, I notice all the pill bottles. What’s that about? Before I can get close enough to read any of the labels, I hear him come into the bathroom and start to take off his wet clothes.
“All right, Jude, what’s going on?”
I don’t look at him. “Nothing that concerns you,” I say as I pass by him, annoyed.
“Everything about you concerns me, sweetness.”
Seeing him that relaxed makes me resent him so much.
“Eric, when I’m angry, it’s best just not to talk to me, OK?”
“Why?”
“Because.”
“Because what?”
“C’mon, are you dumb or what? Don’t you see that you’re pissing me off even more?”
“If you’d like, I’ll tell Frida you’re ready to clean the house from top to bottom. I know you, and when you’re really mad, you like to clean.”
I grunt. I’m not in the mood. He comes to me and leans down so we’re at the same height.
“I’m constantly apologizing to you. But it’s worth it to be with you and see your face when you forgive me.”
He tries to kiss me, but I move.
“Oh no, ‘the cobra’ again?”
That, along with the look on his face, finally gets a smile out of me.
“Yes, and unless you leave me alone, you’re going to get a slap along with ‘the cobra.’”
“Ha! I love your very Spanish character . . .”
“Well, your German stubbornness is making me crazy. You’re so goddamned bullheaded!”
In an instant, he grabs me by the waist, throws me on the bed, and kisses me. The towel gets lost along the way, and now I’m naked. I try to reject his kiss, but he’s much stronger than I am, and by the time he manages to sneak his tongue into my mouth, he’s already wilted my will and my anger, and I respond eagerly.
“That’s how I like it . . . ,” he says. “I love how you’re so wild but get so tame when I want.”
That is such an incredibly macho thing to say that I bite him hard on the shoulder, which makes him cringe, and then he bites me back on the neck.
“What are you, some kind of animal?”
“For you, yes, always, sweetness—we’re like Beauty and the Beast. Of course, you’re the beauty and I’m the beast . . .”
That makes me laugh, and it helps me accept his kisses to seal a truce. But that’s when I realize he really doesn’t look well.
“Are you OK, Eric?”
“Yes, but what’s important here is whether you’re OK, not me.”
“No, Mr. Zimmerman, you’re wrong. The one who wasn’t feeling well a few hours ago was you, and you’re not looking so great right now. If somebody should be worried here, it’s me, not you.”
Eric gets off me and sits beside me so we’re face to face.
“You’re beautiful.”
“C’mon, don’t do that, Eric . . . Answer me. What’s going on? I saw you have a bunch of pill bottles in your toiletry bag and . . .”
“You’re the prettiest and most interesting woman I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing.”
“Eric! Do I have to insult you or kick you?”
“Mmm . . . I love that warrior you carry inside.”
I’m still smiling as I caress his head.
“You can say whatever you want—I’m not going to change the subject. What’s going on? What are those meds in your toiletry bag?”
“Nothing.”
“You’re lying.”
“You think?”
“I don’t believe you. And you’re making me mad again.”
I can see the struggle he’s having with himself. He wants to tell me.
“Nothing’s going on,” he finally mutters. “Anyway, I don’t want to worry you.”
“Well, I’m already worried.”
For a few seconds that feel like an eternity to me, he thinks.
“Jude . . . there are things you don’t know and . . .”
“Tell me, and then I’ll know.”
Suddenly, he grins and lovingly rubs his nose against mine.
“No, love, I can’t.”
“Listen, you stubborn . . .”
“No, you listen . . .” But then he instantly regrets teeing up to say something and ruffles my hair instead. “Oh, little girl, what am I going to do with you?”
Because I want him to trust me, to trust me completely, I decide to open my heart to him.
“What you’re going to do is crush on me as much as I’m crushing on you. Maybe, in the end, you’ll even love me and stop hiding all your little secrets.”
I’m waiting for him to chuckle. But Eric closes his eyes, and his face remains solemn.
“No, I can’t, Jude. If I awaken those emotions, I’ll just get hurt, and you’ll get hurt too.”
“What kind of foolishness is that?” I ask.
He tries to change the subject. Again.
“What do you think we should do tomorrow?”
I sit down on the bed and move a lock of hair from my face.
“Eric, what is this BS?”
“It’s the truth.”
“My emotions are already awakened, and nothing can be done about that. I like you. You drive me crazy. You fascinate me. And don’t lie—I know I have the same effect on you. I can see it on your face, in your eyes when you look at me, in your hands when you caress me, in the way you possess me when we make love. So just tell me once and for all what those medicines are about.”
His jaw tenses, and he gets up. I follow him to the bathroom, where he throws some water on his face, grabs his toiletry bag, zips it, and throws it angrily against the wall. I don’t know what’s going on, and I look at him uneasily.
“What’s happening? What did I say that could put you in such a state? Does this have anything to do with the calls you get all day from Marta and Betta? Who are they? I mean, look, I’ve tried to be quiet, to not say anything, but I just can’t take it anymore!”
Eric won’t look at me. He rushes out of the bathroom and stands by the window. I follow and force myself right in front of him, face to face.
“Don’t run away from me. You and I are here right now, and I want you to be honest with me and tell me what’s going on. Goddamn it, Eric, it’s not like I’m asking for eternal love. I just need to know what’s going on with you, and who those two women are.”
“That’s enough, Jude. I don’t want to talk anymore.”
I’m despairing, and when I see my naked reflection in the closet-door mirror, I realize I need to get dressed. I put on my underwear, a torn T-shirt, and a pair of denim overalls.
“All right,” I say, turning back to him, “so what is it that you don’t want to talk about anymore?”
“I said, ‘enough’! I’ve had my share of these little scenes for today.”
“Your share of these little scenes? What are you talking about?”
“Your questions make me uncomfortable.”
But now I’m emboldened.
“My questions make you uncomfortable? Well, your inability to respond makes me uncomfortable. I understand you less and less every damned day.”
“I’m not trying to get you to understand me.”
“You know what? I had almost forgotten about you right after you disappeared from my life, and then you showed up at the door of my father’s house . . .”
“Forgotten about me?” he hisses, now really close to my face. “How can you say you’d almost forgotten about me when you tattooed that on your body?”
He’s right.
The phrase I tattooed on my body is ours, and I don’t see how I can argue.
“Yes, I tattooed that because of you. Something inside me told me you would be an important person in my life, and I wanted to have something on my body that belonged to the two of us, and that would last forever.”
“The two of us?”
“Yes!”
“Are you trying to tell me that when you sleep with someone else, when he sees that phrase and repeats it, you’re going to think about me?”
“Probably.”
“Probably?”
“I’ll probably think about you every time a man says to me, ‘Tell me what you want.’ When I read it on my body, I’ll remember your eyes and how much I enjoyed what I experienced with you when I surrendered to your whims and when we made love.”
My words hurt him. His face flinches, and then he punches the wall.
“This is a mistake. An unforgivable mistake on my part. I should have let you go on with your life, with Fernando or with whomever else you like.”
“Eric! What are you talking about?”
He moves through the room like a caged lion.
“Get your things. You have to go.”
“You’re kicking me out?”
“Yes.”
“What?”
“I want you to leave.”
“What the . . . ?”
“I’ll call a taxi to take you to your father’s house.”
“Fuck that,” I say, staggered by the turn this has taken. “Don’t call a taxi. I don’t need it.”
Eric stops moving. He stares at me, and I see the pain in his eyes. I don’t understand him. I want to cry, but I contain my tears.
“Jude . . .”
“You just kicked me out, Eric. Don’t even think about touching me!”
“Listen . . .”
“Don’t. Touch. Me.”
He stands a few feet away from me and anxiously runs his hands through his hair.
“I don’t want you to go . . . but . . .”
“Look, it’s better if I go.”
“Love . . . listen to me.”
“No! I’m not your love. If I was your love, you wouldn’t talk to me the way you’ve just talked to me, and you would be honest with me. You’d tell me who Marta and Betta are. You’d tell me why I can’t mention your father, and above all, you’d tell me what those goddamned medicines are in your toiletry bag.”
“Jude . . . please. Don’t make it harder than it has to be.”
Now sure that I really want to go, I grab my backpack and stuff my few things in it. Out of the corner of my eye, I see he’s watching me. But again, he proves himself inflexible. His face tightens; his hands shake. He’s nervous, but I’m furious.
“You’re an egocentric ass, and you only think about yourself.”
“Jude . . .”
“Forget my name and just keep on exchanging messages with those women. I’m sure they know much more about you than I do.”
“Goddamn it, woman, would you please lower your voice?” he exclaims.
“No. I’m going to keep on shouting because I want to, because you deserve it, and because I need it. Dickhead! In the end, I’m going to have to tell Fernando he was right.”
He wasn’t expecting this. “He was right about what?”
“That you would use me and then toss me aside.”
“Is that what that idiot told you?”
“Yes, and I just now realized he was right.”
He’s desperate and moves away from me as he continues to rant.
Suddenly, Andrés and Frida are at the door. Our yelling must have alarmed them. Frida tries to calm me down while Andrés tries to do the same with his friend. But Eric doesn’t want to talk; he just keeps cursing in German. His shouting can be heard, I’m sure, all the way to China. Surprised by all this, Frida tugs on me and takes me down to the kitchen. She gives me a glass of water and takes my backpack from my hands.
“Don’t worry. Andrés will calm him down.”
“Frida, I don’t want Andrés to calm him down. I want it to be me who does that, and above all, I want to know why he’s so secretive about his life. I can’t ask anything. He won’t respond to a single question. And worst of all, when he gets angry, he runs away or he pushes me away, like he did just now.”
“What happened?”
“I don’t know. We were joking around, talking, and I asked him about some medicines I saw in his toiletry bag and all the texts and calls he’s constantly getting from Betta and Marta.”
I break down, sobbing. Frida hugs me and sits me next to her in the kitchen.
“Jude . . . calm down. I’m sure this is just a lovers’ quarrel, and that’s all.”
“Didn’t you hear a word I said?”
“Yes, I heard you. And even though Eric may not say it, I’ll tell you again what I told you a few hours ago at the beach: he’s crazy about you. You just have to see how he looks at you, how he treats you, how protective he is of you. I’ve known him for more than twenty years. Believe me when I tell you, I know he feels something very deep for you.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I know, Judith. Trust me. And as far as those women are concerned, don’t worry about them.”
At that moment, Andrés comes to the kitchen door.
“Judith . . . ,” he whispers, clearly uncomfortable, “Eric wants you to go up to the room.”
“No, no way. He can come down.”
My answer unsettles him. They look at each other.
“Please,” Andrés insists, “go up. He wants to talk to you.”
“No,” I say. “I mean, who does he think he is—some kind of marquess?—that I should go after him like some idiot? No. I won’t go up. If he wants to, he can come down.”
“Judith . . . ,” Frida pleads.
“Please,” I plead right back, wanting to get out of there, “I need you to call me a cab. Please . . .”
Frida and Andrés are aghast.
“Judith, Eric said that—”
“I could give three shits what Eric says,” I say, outraged, my veins throbbing, “just as he could give three shits about me. Please, call me a cab. It’s the only thing I ask of you.”
“That’s not true,” says Eric, now standing at the kitchen door.
We look at each other like combatants. “Frida, please call a cab,” I demand.
Andrés and Frida don’t know what to do. Bewildered, Eric keeps his distance.
“Jude, I don’t want you to go. Come upstairs to the room, and let’s talk.”
“No. Now I’m the one who doesn’t want to talk to you. I want to leave. I refuse to let you use me anymore. This is over!”
Eric closes his eyes and lets out a long breath. My words have hurt him, but he decides not to answer. When he opens his eyes again, he doesn’t look at me.
“Frida, please, call her a cab,” he says, and walks away.
Ten minutes later, a cab arrives at the door. Eric has not reappeared. I say goodbye to Frida and Andrés, and—my heart hurting—I leave.