Raber Wolf Pack Book One ©Ryan Michele 2015

Prologue

Looking in the oval mirror of my great-great grandmother’s vanity, I pucker my lips then smoosh them together, making sure the shimmery gloss is perfectly distributed. Swiping the excess off with my index finger, I focus on my eyes, checking that every single one of my long, mascara-covered lashes are in place. I hate clumps that make me look like a freak.

My ice-blue eyes are surrounded in a smoky gray shadow, and I used way too much eyeliner. Still, the effect turned out pretty hot, making my eyes the focal point of my face. A good thing considering I was initially going for the no-foundation look tonight, until the pimple on my chin told me that wasn’t going to happen. I tried just covering the spot and blending, but it looked like a caked mess of shit and I had to start all over. Of all the days for my face to blow up and sprout nastiness, it had to be today.

My best friend Masie had talked me into sneaking out of the house for ‘the party of the year,’ or so she called it. I’m weighing a lot on tonight. If my father catches me, I’m screwed. To say he’s overbearing is an understatement. He’s protective to the tenth degree and keeps me firmly under his wing, but I know he does it out of love. But, most of the time it sucks. He scares off every male wolf that comes around. With him being Alpha of our pack, I have yet to find a male that will stand up to him when it comes to me. No one has had the balls yet. Pathetic really.

The worst of it is, I’m horny. Seriously, I’ve gone without sex for way too long. Us wolves are sexual creatures and we crave that—no, need that release. I’ve masturbated so much I had to buy a new vibrator about a month ago. If I get laid at this party, it will be all worth it.

Sure, my father will yell at me if I’m caught, but that should be the bulk of it. He’ll just be happy that I’m home and safe. So, I’m taking the risk.

The distinct smell of my best friend floats through the air. “Bitch, are you ready yet?” Masie calls from the doorway of the bathroom, peeking her head in, knowing she didn’t surprise me. One great thing about being a wolf is our heightened senses—smell, hearing, and sight are extremely powerful. My father thinks we are hanging out over at Masie’s house for the night and he’s gone on pack business, so this works out perfect.

“I’m coming, wench, hang on.” I run my fingers through my auburn hair. I added a few curls, which have softened into awesome cascading waves, flowing down to just above my waist. I give one more fluff before turning toward her.

“Fucking shit, Zara. Hello! Bitch in heat, here.” She waves her hand in the air, laughter ringing in her voice, and I can’t help but join her.

“I am. Let’s go.” Hell yes, I am, no argument here. I stand, adjusting my clothes in the full-length mirror. My bright blue, tight-as-shit skirt stops mid-thigh, and my black chiffon see-through top hangs off my shoulder. Underneath, I’m wearing a very boob-flattering tank that pushes my girls up for maximum cleavage.

“Damn, girl, you have got to let me borrow that outfit. Not that my tits or ass would look as good as yours, but I want it.” Masie has been my best friend since birth, and she has given me shit about what she calls my ‘lush assets’ since I got them. I have tits and ass, big whoop. It means nothing. Not in our culture. Smell is the only thing that matters. If the person looks good, that’s a bonus.

“Maze, you need to stop with that shit. You are beautiful so shut the fuck up.” Another line I’ve probably repeated about a zillion times over the course of our friendship. One thing that seriously pisses me off about my best friend is her opinion of herself. She’s always finding something wrong, when there is absolutely nothing there. It’s because she hasn’t found her mate yet. She’s twenty-three, like me, but all of her sisters—twenty-one, twenty, and nineteen—have already found their mates. With her being the oldest and not having found the one, it kills her inside. Masie thinks she has some defect that makes her scent unappealing. She’s dead wrong.

Whenever we do go out, the males flock to her. They just don’t have the scent she’s searching for. And she looks hot tonight. Sexy black hair, sultry makeup. Her black skirt is the length of mine, but nowhere near as tight. Her long-sleeved top has cutouts on the shoulders, and a deep, plunging V in the front. It pushes her boobs up, too. I love it. She may not find her mate, but there’s no doubt she’ll get some.

“I didn’t see anyone else here when I came in,” she states.

“Nope, all away on pack business. We are sleeping at your house. No harm, no foul,” I reply, smacking my lips.

“All right then, let’s go. We don’t want the good ones to be taken.”

Hell, even if they have already screwed a female, it doesn’t mean they are done. Most male wolves can orgasm multiple times in the course of a night. Some can go multiple times in one session. Yes, please.

“After you.” I grab my four-inch heels, black with shimmery blue at the very tip of the toe, and slip them on once we get down the two flights of stairs in my house.

Tonight is going to be one hell of a night.

Chapter One

Life is so fragile, even for immortals. One night was all it took for mine to change.

As pain surges through my body, I’m reminded of this very thing. Death would be better than this, but he won’t end me. I’m too important to his master plan. I didn’t want him to succeed, but as the months come and go in a blur of hurt and punishment, I feel myself doing the one thing I never wanted.

Breaking. Bending to his will.

On that fateful night I received my powers from the Heavens, when my Nana O told me that I was destined for great things, a higher purpose in this life, she didn’t mean this. She couldn’t have imagined that this would be my fate.

I scream as the man who is supposed to love me pushes a long, steaming hot, metal rod into my stomach. The smell of my burning flesh enters my nostrils and pain floods every cell of my body. I wait, hoping for relief, but even as he removes the rod, it doesn’t come. If anything, it gets worse, more intense. The worst part of all of this is he can do this for the rest of eternity if he chooses. Death will never come for me.

No, Nana O could have never meant this.

Ian pulls me onto his lap, wrapping his arm protectively around me, as any mate should do. He even growls as one of the other wolves looks my way appraisingly. He should get an Oscar for his stellar performance. This one, though, is definitely above and beyond his call of duty. Nothing like my fake mate taking it to another level in order to impress.

Alpha Ty and his Beta, Gregor, sit at the long, sleek wooden table in the conference room. I call him Alpha because father is too nice of a name for him. The pack enforcers are seated around the table as well, as I sit with Ian off to the side by the far wall. Here, but not here. Observing, but not part of the meeting. Not that I want to be. I’d love to be far away from this place, but that’s not an option for me.

A mediator from the Wolf Council, which Alpha pays off, sits at the head of the table to preside over this sham of a meeting. One to supposedly create an alliance between the two packs, but it’s all a big façade. Nothing is as it seems, exactly like my life.

The Ren Pack sits on the other side of the table, assessing each of our wolves, eyeing them with curiosity and suspicion. They should. Our Alpha has been calling meetings like this for the past couple of weeks, meetings that have only one conclusion—deaths, and none from our pack.

Wolf packs are slowly dwindling, becoming non-existent, because our Alpha is taking out the highest wolves from each pack. While he’s here, the rest of the pack is at the Rens’ compound, completely wiping them out, killing everyone there. Leaving no one to report what my Alpha is doing. No one to warn others. Our kind is slowly meeting its demise, all at the hands of him.

But that’s what he wants. To rule. Have power. All it is, is greed plain and simple.

Alpha has always been power hungry, but only to the point of being the pack’s alpha. Never, while I was growing up, did he ever give any indication that being Alpha wasn’t enough. He was always around, teaching and prepping me for whatever my future might hold, and he always kept a close eye on me. He’s made sure that I didn’t stray too far from the pack. I thought that it was because he loved me. He was protecting me from all the bad in the world. But I was mistaken. Horribly so.

I sniff the air and notice a subtle shift from light and fresh to dark and musty. One of our wolves is seated next to the Ren alpha, his lip twitching, his nostrils flaring in and out. Low growls rumble through the air around us, thickening the tension in the space. I lick my lips and taste the change in the room. It’s as if the once-breezy climate has swirled into a thunderstorm ready to erupt, and the warning reverberates through my body.

My pathetic job is to use my gift, my ability to listen to other wolves’ thoughts, to find out if the Ren pack has reinforcements outside. Or if they even have a clue that they are about to be obliterated. Alpha looks over to me, brows raised expectantly. With a simple shake of my head, I silently feed him the answer he seeks. None of the other members of their pack are waiting outside; none of the men back at their home base have contacted anyone here for help, which means our other enforcers are cleaning up there. This is the moment I always dread. Each time I’m forced to do this, it’s a hard, black strike against my immortal soul. The darkness claws at my insides, but I can’t escape it. It’s a mark that can never be erased. A scar that will never heal. I should never have been put in this position. Ever. I fear there will never come a time when I can come back from it.

“Challenge,” Alpha calls out, and arrogance and smugness drip from that one little word. Inside the other Alpha’s head is a mix of surprise and disdain, but no fear. Never show fear, that’s what Alphas do. “Outside,” Alpha declares, after a bit of a stare down.

They file out, leaving me alone with Ian and the Councilor. If we are anywhere outside of the grounds of our pack, Ian or someone is with me to watch my every move, like I’d even try to escape. I’ve thought about it, don’t get me wrong, but there is no way out. The chains are too tight around my neck, tethering me to his will.

I’d rather be dead.

This is my life, my pathetic, miserable, unfulfilled eternity of life. I need to learn how to survive it because he told me he’d never allow me the peace of death. So, instead I am mated to someone who really can’t stand me and have learned to accept being a pawn for Alpha and the pack. It’s either survive and do as I’m told or… I shake my head from the thought as goosebumps rise on my skin. I can’t go back there, I won’t.

I say nothing as I sit, quietly waiting for it to all be over so we can go back home. I use the term home loosely. I’m required to stay with Ian on my parents’ level of the main house. Ian and I share the same bed nightly and attend all pack functions together, including meal times. All packs believe that we are actually mates. I shake my head at the thought.

“I said I’d do it.” My voice comes out raspy because my throat is so damn dry. I can’t remember the last time I had water. My entire body aches, even my fingernails and the ends of my hair. It’s been so long. So damn long.

“Take this.” My father holds out a large yellow and orange pill. I stare at it, willing it to disappear. I just know that it’s poison, but not the kind to kill me, the kind to torture me. “I said take it,” he growls, less patient than a few minutes before.

I’ve already decided my fate. With a shaky hand, I reach out and take the pill from his outstretched one, careful not to touch his skin. He holds out a bottle of water and I take it hungrily.

“No!” he barks as I start unscrewing the lid, and I freeze. “The pill first, then you can drink the rest.” I lift the pill to my dry, cracked lips, and place it on my sandpaper-like tongue. I press the water to my mouth and try to swallow the pill. I gag as it gets stuck in my throat, cutting off my air supply. “You stupid female. Drink!” he screams, and I do, dislodging the pill from my throat. I stare at him with the water still in my hand. I long to actually drink it, just to feel it going down my throat. That last sip didn’t feel like anything but more pain. “What are you waiting for? Drink.”

I lift the bottle with both of my trembling hands, afraid that I may drop it. I can’t waste any of this water. I don’t have any idea when I will get more and dehydration is eating at me. I down the contents in a hurried rush, my stomach churning with it. Way too much, way too fast. I fear that everything I just drank is coming up hard.

“You do not throw up,” he orders and I choke down the bile forming in my throat. Please stay down, please stay down.

He leaves the room, only to come back a few hours later. I pray this will be the time that he lets me free. “You want to know what you just swallowed?” I don’t want to know actually, but it is not really a question; he’ll tell me anyway. “You now have a mate. With my pack. That pill will bind your scent to his, ensuring you smell like mates, and no one will dispute it. Now you can never fucking leave.”

I want to cry, sob, and scream. I want to throw something at this monster. A mate. So, I’m stuck here. This can’t be true. It just can’t.

“Don’t fight it, Zara. It’s done,” he says before turning and leaving the room again. I fall to the floor and curl into a ball, wrapping my arms around my legs. No…just no.

It’s utterly disgusting the torture that Alpha continues to dole out on a daily basis. Like all of the other shit that he did to me wasn’t enough.

The Councilor’s eyes focus on us as Ian’s hand trails up and down my thigh. I feel nothing. No spark. No want. No trembles. No tingles in regions that should have them. Ian’s hot—longish blond hair, deep brown eyes, muscular frame—but he doesn’t do anything for me. His smell is totally wrong and turns my stomach with each sniff. It isn’t even slightly enticing, and the farther his hand goes up the more I want to vomit. Neither Ian nor I can smell the mating, just everyone else around us.

I push my wolf back down as she whines, shaking her head in despair. Aware of the Councilor’s watchful eyes, I don’t want him to sense the turmoil rolling around inside of me. My wolf is still very much present, but she has gone into a state of hibernation, only waking when it’s necessary. Like at one of these meetings or when I’m required to shift with the pack. Other than that, I don’t hear a thought or feel a movement from her. She only sleeps.

‘Damn she’s hot.’ The Councilor has no idea that I can hear his internal dialogue. ‘What I wouldn’t give to fuck her.’ I clench my hands into fists, trying to block out his thoughts, but they keep coming at me, each one dirtier than the last. ‘I’d bend her over, ass up high, face down, and pound that pussy until she howls.’

My stomach rolls and vomit climbs up my throat. I choke it down. My only saving grace is that he can’t utter a word out loud. If he did, Ian would have the right to rip out his throat. The bastard would do it too, just because he can.

‘Done,’ I hear Alpha voice inside my head as he speaks the same ones to Gregor. Since learning of my gift, as he calls it, I’ve learned how to tune in to one being and shut out the others around me. I’ve become so adept at hearing people that they don’t even need to be in the same room for me to know what they are thinking. It comes and with Alpha, it’s as if he has a direct link to me. Even hearing his thoughts, before he addresses anyone as he speaks.

Honestly, I can’t stand it, or him for that matter.

“It’s done. Let’s go.” I rise from Ian’s lap, brush his hand off me, and move toward the door. Ian grabs my hand as I go. Gotta keep up pretenses, right? I don’t fight it because…what’s the use? I’m stuck.

The copper smell of blood infiltrates my nostrils as I step outside and walk through the massacred wolves lying on the ground. All six that were in the room are torn to shreds. Alpha and Gregor slip on their shirts and we head to the black SUV waiting for us. Clean up is for the enforcers to deal with later.

I climb into the very back, Ian by my side. Alpha and Gregor sit in the middle row while two enforcers take the front. I stare out the window, not saying a word, only here physically. I shut down all thoughts from others and try to find some kind of solace, but it doesn’t come.

“You did good, girl.” Alpha’s praises mean shit to me. They are nothing but a pat on his back for another task done dutifully by me. I stopped caring the moment more wanting power outranked taking care of his family, his daughter. The coldness in his eyes that first time I rejected his plan still haunts me.

“Daddy, we can’t do this,” I plead, tears streaming down my face and crashing to the cold floor beneath me. I can’t take someone’s life just for the hell of it.

“You’ll do what I fucking say or you’ll stay in there,” he barks, and my hands grip the metal slats of the cage he locked me in moments before. The space is small, and all I can do is either sit or curl in a ball. Wolves are not made to be confined. We are born to be free, roam free. This…this can’t be happening.

“Why do you want to hurt the others? We have been so happy for so long.” I appeal to his more human side, or at least I try. In all my years, he’s never shown me this side of him. Angry, menacing, cold.

“You’ve no idea what is going to happen, but I do. You’ll work for me so it doesn’t. You will do as I say or you’ll remain locked in here.”

A low whimper escapes my throat. Where’s my mom, surely she wouldn’t let him cage me up like this. Would she? And my brother? Where is he?

“Daddy, please,” I beg, unable to stop the sobs this time, and my chest constricts with the thought of him leaving me like this. He can’t.

“You made your bed.” He turns off the light in the small basement room and walks out of the door, locking it behind him. Panic hits me like a boulder to the gut. No, please no.

I learned quickly that disobeying him would not be tolerated. I never in a million years would have thought my father could allow such deep greed to overtake him. That his pack would now fear him instead of respect him. I don’t know him at all. The man I loved when I was a pup is dead and has been since I revealed my power. The only connection I have to this wolf in the vehicle with me is that he is my Alpha. Just as the man I once knew is dead, so is a piece of me. A part of me died inside that cage. I did what I could, but I couldn’t stay locked in there.

“Thank you, Alpha.” I keep my voice monotone, withholding any emotion. I placate him and give him what he wants; in turn, he and the others, except for my on-duty bodyguard, stay away from me on the property. Not that it’s any better, but at least I have a sliver of peace and I’m not completely locked up.

“Only three more to go.” A smarmy smile spreads across Alpha’s face, menacing evil emanating from it. It’s detestable and if I were powerful enough, I’d rip his throat out myself. Wolves honor their Alphas and treat them with the utmost respect, but I have no interest in that. To me, my Alpha has no honor. He doesn’t deserve respect.

“Daddy, please no!” I scream loudly, the sound bouncing off the walls of the small room. The fear is so thick I swear I’m in a fog.

“You always were fucking stubborn. Do I need to bring your mother and brother back in here?”

I still and shake my head adamantly. The last time he brought them down here, he beat them while I watched. I screamed for him to stop, pleaded, but he didn’t. My mother got it bad, but my brother, Zane, got it worse. At one point, I thought for sure he was dead, but my father brought in the healer and healed him in front of me.

“No...no…” I repeat, somewhat controlling the tremor in my voice.

“Are you ready to do as I say?” He stares at me with eyes that are so cold, I’m surprised ice doesn’t form around them. No warmth. Void. Emotionless. Gone.

But I can’t do what he wants me to do. I can’t. “No.”

“You are a stubborn fool.” He’s asked me the same thing every day for Heaven knows how long. I’ve held myself together, I don’t know how, but I have. Unfortunately, part of me is beginning to crack. I feel it in my bones. Daily the fracture grows deeper, threatening to break. I’m terrified that the damage will be irreparable. What would happen then?

“One week. I’m calling the Raber Pack to set up a meeting with Xavier. They are tough so we need to be extremely prepared.” Alpha’s voice pulls me out of my treacherous memories. Ironic, the man who gave me the memory is the one to pull me from it.

Alpha and his men carry on conversations like this all of the time, like I’m not even in the van with them. I’ve learned a lot by listening, but it’s not like I can do anything with the information. I file it all away, like everything else, just sitting there useless for another day.

“They are younger wolves so we’ll need to double up on the enforcers when we ambush. We’ll need the women, too. They’ll need to help at their pack house,” Gregor chimes in, like it’s nothing in the world to take out an entire pack in the blink of the eye. True, our kind have been challenging each other for centuries, but not like this. Not this deceitfully and disgracefully. At least before, the wolves could hold their heads up high, with us, no way. Our heads should hang down in shame. Challenges were honorable and fair. This is flat-out murder.

“Zara, can you get a read on them before the meeting?” Alpha asks, turning around in the seat. His once-dazzling eyes that I loved looking into as a child now hold nothing but hate. I focus on his stare, not backing down.

“I’ve never seen them so I cannot conjure up their thoughts,” I reply, with zero emotion.

“So, if we can get you a picture, can you do it?” he asks, hopeful.

“I’ve tried and it doesn’t work. I have to physically see them in order to hear them.” I have answered this exact question a slew of times and each time, it’s the same answer. He knows my powers don’t work the way he wants them to and I wonder why he continually asks.

“Shit,” he growls. “Somehow we need to get her in contact with at least the Beta and Gamma. I don’t want to chance her seeing the Alpha,” he announces to everyone in the car, everyone but me. I find this statement a bit odd considering I’m around Alphas at his little meetings, but I could not care less. His reasons are his own and he’ll never share with me. Maybe if I get close enough to the other pack they might rip my throat out and save me from this. Maybe then I could find peace.

“They have a decent-sized pack,” Gregor states, rubbing his chin, deep in thought.

“I want as few wolves as possible around Zara,” Alpha warns. I’d love to roll my eyes, but I don’t. I sit here quietly. Even though I do his bidding, he never wants me around other wolves unless it’s absolutely necessary. Because heaven forbid I find my true mate and try to leave the pack. I scoff at the thought.

Everyone thinks I’m mated to Ian. I played along at the ceremony, even bit him, but felt nothing—no cosmic electrical connection, or whatever is supposed to happen when wolves mate. It was only a bite. Other wolves stay away from mated females and since I took that stupid little pill, they keep their distance from me. I can’t blame them. Somehow, it tricks them just like everyone else. The emptiness inside of me leaves little hope that my true mate is even in existence any more. I should be able to feel something, but instead there is nothing there for my true one.

“Meeting in my office after dinner and we hash this out,” Alpha orders. “Zara, you’re not needed at the meeting.” Of course I’m not, not that I would want to go. His words just prove that I’m insignificant, a peon.

“Thank you, Alpha,” I reply lamely, ready to go to my room and be alone. Ian may sleep in the same bed as me, but his stuff is elsewhere in the house. He tries to stay away from me any way he can, but that is just not possible. He has to keep up the farce for his own position in the pack. His role used to be a low-level enforcer, and he was never going to move higher up in the ranks. So, at Alpha’s request, for the sake of the pack, he mated with me. I really don’t know the details of what happened between him and Alpha. What I do know is, Ian came out of that meeting pissed the hell off, but ranking under my father at number four in the pack. He’s now Alpha’s duty guard and mine as well. So began my life of un-blissful mating.

Chapter Two

We pull up to our massive compound, the driver nods at the gatekeeper and he opens the enormous metal gates for us to enter. Our pack has spared no expense regarding protection. The tall walls surrounding the property are made of concrete and have electric charges at the top. The home is huge, overdone, and not compatible with the way wolves are supposed to live. This is lush, eccentric, modern: straight lines and stainless steel and black everything. It is actually, not a home at all. It’s a showcase. For who, I’m not sure. Only the wolves in the pack are allowed inside. It’s not as if we’re having parties and inviting everyone on the planet over to show it off.

The SUV stops and we pile out. I set off quickly in my heels, wanting to be alone, needing space. None of the males follow step and from Ian’s thoughts, he’s thankful that I’m leaving. As I enter the house, smells of roast beef fill the air, but it only makes my stomach twist. I try my damnedest to miss meal times, but my presence is requested so I must show, smile, and keep my mouth shut. I consume what my body will handle and leave as quickly as possible.

“Zara.” My name being called from the kitchen as I step on the first stair toward my solace stops me in my tracks. My mother, the Alpha female of the pack. Damn. I once had the kind of mom that would bake cookies with you and fix your scraped knee. I had a mother that I could talk to about anything and everything. I had all of that and in the span of a few months, it disappeared. Of course, my father beat it out of her and no one in the pack stopped him. I could say it’s not her fault, but I’d be lying. I do blame her. She was supposed to protect me. That was her job as my mother. Now, after all this time has passed, I feel nothing for her, not even in the furthest recesses of my soul, some minute space, it’s gone. Her lack of protecting me is unforgivable.

“Yes, mother,” I answer with the same tone I address anyone from my pack. Clean, respectful, to the point and with the least amount of words possible.

“Would you like to come into the kitchen and help me out?” Her cheerful tone does zip to change my feelings toward her. Inside her mind, she’s squirming, trying to find some way to make up for what happened to me. Trying to find some way to get me back, to get me to look at her the way I did when I was a kid. News flash, it will never happen, not in this lifetime, which is a long-ass time.

“I’m rather tired from today’s meeting. I feel the need to lie down,” I reply, looking directly into my mother’s eyes. ‘I wish you’d forgive me. I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I wish things were different.’ Apologies flutter through her mind and she knows I can hear them, but I make it a point to not give her the satisfaction of a response.

With my mother being the Alpha female of the pack, she should exert that authority on me, but she doesn’t. Alpha females, normally, rule every other female in the pack, but with us, it’s different. While I’m respectful to her, she has so much pent-up guilt for not helping me that she allows me to do my own thing. Other females in the pack have noticed this, and my mother has been challenged because of it several times. But she won those battles, remaining the top female.

I also know that my father has commanded her to leave me be, but my mother would have done that on her own. It’s another small reprieve. I have so few of them and I cherish each and every one.

“Sure. Dinner will be in two hours. See you then.” She wipes her hands on a towel nervously, which is kind of funny when you really think about it. Alpha female, nervous? Whatever, I don’t have the energy to think about it.

“Thank you, mother,” I say as I turn and make my escape to my room. I lock the door, giving myself an ounce of privacy, not letting it faze me that every wolf living here has a key. I kick off my platinum heels, take off my light gray skirt, and white blouse. I throw on my comfortable clothes, black yoga pants, and an old Margaritaville t-shirt. I enter my attached bathroom and avoid my eyes in the mirror. I just can’t. When I look at myself, I have to face what I’ve helped Alpha do. It’s better to keep avoiding it. Keep feeling nothing.

I grab a cleanser wipe and scrub all the makeup off my skin. I brush my teeth, trying to rid the bad taste today left in my mouth, and then twist my hair up into a messy bun, pulling a hair tie around it.

I fall into the bed and look up at the ceiling. Quiet, peace. All the voices are turned off, nothing clouding my head, leaving only me.

I royally suck.

I had such high expectations for myself. Such high hopes. My parents were overprotective but not horrible while I was growing up. I thought I’d meet my mate and there would be this instantaneous, heart-stopping moment where we would be the only ones in the whole world. That everything would pause and the only focus would be on our connection. I had visions of my heart beating in sync with the man I was supposed to be with and talking to him through the mating link. I wanted that connection and more importantly, I wanted love. That absolute, unconditional love that only exists in human fairytales. Yep, that kind of love.

I was going to have a claiming ceremony filled with love and devotion. We would mark each other and be together until the end of eternity. We would have lots and lots of hot sex that would result in a ton of pups running around and be…happy. I’d be happy.

Instead, I am this. A shell of the strong, independent, take-no-shit-from-anyone woman that I used to be. I loved those things about myself. I was proud of them. I had confidence and even thought I was pretty. I had ambition and dreams.

It’s amazing how all of me was destroyed. Now, I’m nothing. Alone. With each day that passes, I chastise myself for trusting him. Distressing thoughts constantly flitter through my head. Unable to stop them when I’m asleep, nightmares consume me. If only he would have given me death, then I could at least have peace.

The emptiness in my soul tightens, and knots form in my gut. What’s left of my failed heart shrinks more and parts chip off, swirling into the abyss of nothingness. The hope that I once held so dear is shredded and set aflame, dissipating forever. Wetness forms behind my eyes. I will not cry. I will not shed one more damn tear on the poor, pitiful me train. I choke it back and breathe in deep, fighting the emotion with everything I have.

I look up at the ceiling, counting the intricate circles that someone took so much time painstakingly engraving into the worn ceiling. No one in my pack probably even notices. But they have become a lifeline for me these past months. Counting them one by one in order to get away from all of the thoughts in my head, those of mine and those of others. Counting, slow and methodical, until my eyes begin to close and I drift off.

Tired. Alone. Caged. Constricted. Restricted. Hopeless.

A sharp clang rings out. Steel metal bars encase me from top to bottom, leaving only a cold metal floor, where I lie naked. I jolt from the noise. Please not again. Please not again. I’ve been holding on to what little sanity I have left for quite some time. How many days, I have no idea. They all blend together at this point.

Stubborn, my father calls it. Disrespectful. Unappreciative.

“Get your ass up,” he yells into the cage. I try to obey, but my body is so weak, so tired. It takes a bit, but I push myself up on my hands and knees, panting with each move. Not having regular food and water, especially when you’re a high metabolism wolf burning food faster than one can consume it, is disastrous. I rise to my feet, ever so slowly, legs trembling from holding my weight as I grasp onto the metal bars.

“Why are you doing this to yourself, Zara? Why put yourself through this? Just say yes and all of this will be over.” My father’s voice echoes throughout the room.

I can’t give up. There is still hope, hope that my father will see that he is wrong. He wants me to be his puppet. I can’t be part of that. I don’t want anyone killed.

“So, what is it today? Yes, you’ll do what I say, or no and you’re still trapped?” Being trapped is horrendous. Being trapped in this confined space is inhumane. And the male standing before me that was supposed to love me unconditionally, did this to me. He left me to rot in my own feces and piss. I will not let him win.

“No.” My words come out croaky from lack of water and little to no saliva coating the inside of my mouth. My body is changing. What once was curves and luminous skin is now dull and bony. My hair. My beautiful hair. Chunks of it have fallen out, fluttered to the filthy ground.

“Fine, suit yourself.” My father picks up a metal rod. I’ve never seen it before and have no idea what it is. Panic and fear paralyze me. He picks up the end of it and electric currents wiggle back and forth from two spikes coming out of the sides. Holy shit. “You did this to yourself, and you have no one to blame but yourself.”

The rod inches closer and closer. I try to move to the corner of my small box to escape, but there is no use. The rod pierces me…

Ahh...holy shit. I wake with a start, sitting up on the bed and looking around to make sure I’m not there.

Bed. Curtains. Vanity. Bathroom. Check.

My heart is racing and I will it to slow down by breathing deeply. I’m fine. I’m not there any more. I’m not in physical pain any more.

I wipe my hands over my face and thread them through my hair. Nightmares. I have them every time I close my eyes and try to fall asleep. They come at me like a raging bull over and over again, knocking me on my ass each time, and leaving me back in that place. I wish I could wipe it from my head, make it go away just for one night of peaceful sleep.

It doesn’t surprise me that I zonked out. I hardly sleep at all now. Usually, only when I’m so exhausted that it pulls me under. I hate sleeping because it leads to dreams and each time I wake up from one, I hate my father more. I hate him with every cell in my body. I hate what he has become. What he has made me.

My hands start to throb and I realize I’ve balled up the blankets on my bed and am squeezing them hard enough for my knuckles to turn white. I quickly release them, not wanting to rip the fabric, and thanking the Heavens that my claws didn’t extend.

Inside, my wolf cries. When I was captured, she came out fighting, but my father shot me full of tranquilizers, debilitating my wolf and not allowing her to come out. As time went on, the tranquilizers were cut and my wolf’s restlessness was making me even crazier. At one point, I thought the tranquilizers would be better than having an ill-tempered wolf clawing at my insides. Also, I had yet to hone my skill of reading minds and voices swam in my head constantly. Between that and my wolf, I was losing it. I’m not sure how I did it, but I willed my wolf down. She’s stayed down for the past two years.

I look to the clock and only forty-five minutes have passed since I lay down. What I wouldn’t give for a full night of restful sleep. I sit up on the bed and pull myself together.

“Open up,” Ian bellows from the other side of the door, hitting it with his fists for good measure. I jolt from the sound. Damn, must be dinnertime. I open the door and meet his pissed-off face. “Are you ready?” he barks, eyeing me with disdain. He’s told me many times that he’s pissed he’ll never find his true mate because of me. I sat there quietly during his words, but what I wanted to tell him was at least he had a choice in the matter. He’s the one that agreed to do this to move up in the ranks. He could have taken a different route, but I kept my mouth shut because my words would have just added fuel to his fire, and I was not going to deal with him.

My mask falls into place. “Yes, of course.” He holds out the crook of his arm and I place mine through the hole, hating even touching him.

‘I cannot believe I am stuck with this shit for the rest of my life. Being by her side. What the fuck? Like my mate isn’t out there. All this shit had better be fucking worth it.’ His thoughts ring in my ears. He knows I can hear them, but he long ago stopped giving a shit. He can think what he wants; at least my thoughts are my own. No one can have those.

We enter the main dining room where rows of tables and chairs sit, along with a huge buffet full of food. No one utters a word to us as Ian lets go of my arm and we get in the buffet line. I gather some lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, and crackers and walk over to our spot at the table. This is not a come sit where you want and be comfortable room. No, this is a formal, sit in your spot, no questions asked kind of room. Ian slides in next to me, his plate loaded with meats, and my stomach rolls. I push my fork into the lettuce, then place it in my mouth and try to choke some of it down. I’m not sure what happened to me all of that time I was locked up, but something inside of me changed. From when I got out and to this day, I have a very difficult time keeping anything down.

A plate is slid in front of me from the other side of the table. Roast beef. “Eat that. You haven’t been eating right,” my mother states like she actually gives a damn. She didn’t care for years and now she wants to care.

“Yes, Mother,” I say respectfully and pull the plate in front of me, even though my stomach protests. I force down the entire plate, wiping my lips when I’m finished. My body immediately wants to expel the food, but I do my damnedest not to let it.

Conversation carries between the wolves. None of it involves me so I don’t bother listening. Anyway, if I wanted to know, I could go into their thoughts and find out. But I don’t care. Alpha sits at the head of the table with my mother at his side, ever the stoic wife. They make me sick, pretending to be a happy couple. I can smell they are mates, but I’ve always wondered if my mother had a choice, what would she choose? It doesn’t matter.

“So, did you hear?” Lisa, a female wolf, states loudly from the other side of the table as I go back to my salad. Why her voice catches my attention, I don’t know. Normally I tune everything out. “Melody found her mate!” she squeals. My food rumbles again. I swallow. Mate. The hollow black abyss of my despair opens wide, swirling like a tornado threatening to suck me in. There have been so many times when I wished it would, but it doesn’t, only leaving me with an ache so deep inside my chest that it’s physically painful.

‘Hopefully that little bitch heard that.’

Lisa’s thoughts come through loud and clear. She’s always been a bitch, but since Ian decided to tell her that we are not really mates, she is an even bigger one. When he told me, I stood there shocked as hell. He must trust her to give away that big of a secret because if Alpha finds out, I’m sure Ian will be dead.

Lisa hasn’t yet mated with anyone, but she finds it prevalent to discuss these things at the dinner table, knowing and liking that it gets to me. After all the excited yelps from the pack, things settle down.

“Did you hear that?” Lisa states and I don’t look up; surely, she isn’t talking to me. “Hello, Zara I’m talking to you,” her catty voice calls out. I breathe in deep, not allowing any emotion to seep through.

“Yes, Lisa. That is wonderful news.” I dig into my salad and put a bite into my mouth, praying it will go down.

“Isn’t it fantastic that everyone is finding their true mates?” She claps her hands in rapid secession, happy as all get out. ‘Suck on that one.’

Boy I’d love to lay into this bitch and tear her throat out. I’d never get that far though. I’d be pulled away because I’m too useful.

“Yes, it is.” And isn’t it sad that you haven’t found yours, you conniving piece of shit.

“Melody is already planning the claiming ceremony and it’s going to be grand.” Oh sweet Heavens, here it comes. “You’ll be there, right?” Like I could be anywhere else. Melody is a member of our pack and one of Lisa’s many followers. Too bad she’s losing one of her minions. Also too bad that if she joins whatever pack her mate is in, the family she grew up with will probably wipe her out. Pathetic.

“That will be up to Alpha,” I reply in the same damn tone I hate.

“You will be required to attend,” Alpha states from the end of the table. No doubt he wants to rub the mating in my face, too. Show me just how wonderful it would be to have found my true mate. He’s made me go to all of them since agreeing to his terms. Each time, I just stand there, and then I leave as soon as I’m allowed. I suck it all in, but never allow anything on the outside to show.

“Thank you, Alpha. I will be there, Lisa.” She squeals again like a pig in a puddle. Inside, I’m rolling my eyes. Outside, I’m blank.

“Great, maybe Alpha will let you help out.” ‘Make you suffer some more, you bitch.’ Suffer. Didn’t I already do enough of that? I have no mate to find. I have nothing. I am nothing. So why put me through more of nothing when I don’t give a shit. I never got hate from my pack growing up. It didn’t start until I got out of the cage and no one said a word to me as to why. I didn’t even bother to ask or dig in their heads because I was past the point of caring.

“She will not be able to. She has work to do,” Alpha announces. I don’t know what’s worse, doing his work or being around a bunch of giddy girls as they are decorating for a celebration and all the while rubbing salt in my gaping wound. Kind of a tossup really.

I say nothing. When Alpha excuses himself from the table taking Gregor, Ian, and some others with him, I leave, keeping my eyes focused ahead on the exit. I slam the door, run to my bathroom, and everything in my stomach makes its way into the toilet. I allow the tears to fall.

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