Adele

I stepped outside, into a rush of early winter air cold enough to penetrate the thin jacket I'd thrown on. We hadn't had any snow yet, but the growing season was over. There would be frost tonight, I could smell it. Fortunately, Marie's herb patch was at a lower elevation. Farther down the mountain, it would still be warm enough for plants to survive.

The world had spun from day to night faster than I'd realized. The full moon hung above, shining through wispy clouds. Good. We'd have enough light to make the run down the mountain easy.

"This way." I motioned for the deputy to follow me and headed for the woods at the back of Jackson's house.

"We should drive," he said.

I shook my head, remembering the thick brush we would have to navigate. "Not to where we're going. This is faster. Trust me."

"Is that what you told the people you killed?" He refused to move.

"Either come or not. I don't care." Annoyed, I let my wolf come to the forefront and snap her teeth at the deputy. "I'm going." With that, I trudged off. The grass was stiff with cold and crackled under my feet. Soon it would be too cold for anything to grow anywhere in Appalachia.

Behind me, there was silence until I stepped into the forest. At that point, the deputy ran to catch up.

"Where are we going?"

"Down the mountain. That's where the herbs are."

"We're not going to her house? She has a garden there, right?"

"Yeah, but these herbs are better wild." I quickened my pace and went ahead of him. I didn't want to talk. My brain was working against me, on fire with horrible ideas, insisting on continuing what it had started earlier. Sometimes it hit me like that, fast and out of nowhere. I needed to concentrate on keeping myself from falling apart. Again.

But I wasn't thinking about drugs this time. More like cold fangs sinking in my overheated flesh.

My stomach clenched, remembering how good that had been. Getting sucked had been the perfect high. I could almost feel the pull on my veins now. It always made my body tingle despite the pain of the bite and I'd floated on a cloud afterward, used and spent, and loving every second of it.

Craving roared in my blood, a second beast that I could never hope to control. Of all the drugs I'd tried, vampires had been the best. Fangs had wiped out all the 'wrongness' inside me. It made me normal. Too bad it also meant being owned by vile bloodsuckers.

Although, there had been one who'd been different, unlike any vampire I'd ever met.

Davian.

I bit my lip. His name whispered through my mind like an impossible wish. Moon save me, thinking about him was almost worse than the drugs. I'd thought we'd found each other, that fate had somehow intervened to give me the one person who could change me.

But in the end, he threw me away, and here I was, fighting not to fall into the deadly sea of addiction, yet again. Nothing had changed.

With a sigh, I trudged onward. We came to a small clearing a few miles later. A tree had fallen, making room for the moonlight to shine on the rotted trunk like a spotlight. Spotting Lupus Volante growing at the base of the dead tree, I stopped short. It was warm enough, halfway down the mountain, for the silver leafed herb to still flourish.

Most shifters used it as a short-term stimulant during long runs, but I'd discovered I could fly high if I drank a huge pot of coffee with it. Add in a bottle of cheap vodka and I'd be in heaven for several hours.

I stared at the plant. Drool gathered in my mouth. Every nerve in my body surged with masochistic, hedonistic need. Davian had left me to the mercy of my addictions. This is what I became without him. A walking wound full of self-destructive urges.  

Wrenching my gaze away, I felt for the moon's cool power. Marie had taught me how to channel it. Supposedly it was the strength I needed, but it had yet to work that way for me. Damned if I didn't want those damned leaves more than I wanted to breathe.

With them, I could zone out. Not care. I could let go of all the pressure trying to crush me. It would be amazing and everything I needed.

Taking a deep breath, I went over and stomped on the plant, turning it to mush with my heel.

It didn't matter, though. I still wanted it. There was enough left to salvage some kind of  high. I just needed to drop to my knees and pick through the dirt and grass to get it.

Just one simple movement...

"What are you doing?" Todd's voice rang harsh in the night air.

"It's poisonous," I said, making a show of grinding them with the ball of my foot. Hopefully, he couldn't see the embarrassment warming my cheeks. I'd forgotten for a second that he was with me and fallen inside myself. "Don't want anyone to eat them." 

Okay, that was weak. Everyone knew Lupus Volante was safe. Crap. I was trapping myself in a stupid lie. I hoped he hadn't seen the leaves.

"Sorry. Old habit from when I was a kid." There, that was more plausible, if still a bit strange. At least it wasn't the truth which was way worse than anything I'd said.

"Shh. I hear something." The deputy stepped close, crowding me.

I went still and cocked my head, listening. A branch snapped somewhere in the dark and brush scuffed, dry leaves crunching. "Probably just a deer. They forage up and down the mountain this time of year." They'd go back and forth all night in search of green things to eat. I'd seen herds of them slipping through the woods like beige ghosts. It wouldn't stop until the cold zapped the earth to sleep.

"Deer are not that loud."

"If they're running, they are."

"What's making them run then?" The moonlight showed me his frown.

"Well, it's not me, and if you think I'm the killer, I'm right here in front of you. Which means there's nothing out there but deer."

"Maybe you have an accomplice," he said, his tone grim. "Someone helping you, giving you an alibi."

I started to say something about how crazy he sounded, but he put a finger to his lips. Falling silent, I stood and listened with him for what had to be several long minutes.

Nothing. I heard nothing.

The cold air silenced insects and forced small animals into their burrows. Aside from deer, there wasn't much around to make any noise. If I thought about it too hard, I got spooked. It was eerie. Like I was visiting summer's crypt, the place where it had been laid to rest.

"Okay. Let's go. The sooner we do this, the sooner we'll be safe." He nudged me forward.

I took off with a curt nod. The craving came rushing back, and tears flooded my eyes. The deputy was annoying, but he was also a distraction, like the sting of a rubber band. I used to wear them all the time, snapping them as hard as I could against my skin to shut out the need screaming inside me.

The memory almost made me laugh. I'd tried all sorts of crazy things.

Yoga—Nothing and I hated all the blood rushing to my head during headstands.

Tapping—Annoying as a woodpecker with OCD. Not for me.

Cutting—Too bloody and I healed so fast, I had to keep doing it over and over.

Coffee—I'd liked it too much and the caffeine just made me want to add meth to the mix.

Therapy—Including a program that included swimming with dolphins. They hadn't liked my scent. My wolf marked me as a predator in their world. They'd actually tried to attack me.

And then of course, I'd gone to the Pack Council approved rehab run by an alpha who made evil look tame. He'd sold me into blood slavery. I'd met Davian there. He'd saved my life, but here I was, no longer a blood slave, but still very much an addict.

I'd gone through hell to try and kill my addictive urges. The vampires had been the only thing that had worked, but they'd disappeared.

It was up to me to stay sober.

But I sucked at sober. Hell, I was still thinking about the damned lupus volante. The silver leaves danced in the back of my mind, poking and prodding me to go back.

I could do sober for short bursts of time, but not permanently. It had started after my parents died. First it was glue and whatever alcohol was in the house. Anything to shut off the pain.

My shifter metabolism burned it all off too quickly. So, I took to street drugs, mixing different combinations in the hopes of finding a high that would last. Finally, I figured out a system: Cocaine followed by meth an hour or two later could keep me happy and chipper for a half a day. Whenever I needed to sleep, it was pain pills and marijuana. For the really bad days, I turned to hourly doses of PCP. This regimen would kill a human, but it gave me life.

I thought no one noticed, that I was using under everyone's noses, but as it turned out, addicts didn't excel at self awareness and I was no exception. Where I thought I was happy, my pack saw a mania that scared them. I didn't walk or run, I zoomed. Yeah, I cleaned the house, but it was the kind of cleaning that missed a lot of dirt.

People in my home pack started avoiding me, averting their eyes, whispering to each other. It had seemed perfectly logical for me to yell at them for that.

I closed my eyes, shuddering at the memory. I'd humiliated myself and shamed my family. My sister had taped one of my tirades and shown it to me during one of the million times I failed at rehab. I hadn't been able to watch the video all the way through.

Fun fact that wouldn't surprise anyone: I was kind of an asshole when I was high.

Taking deep breaths, I centered myself and reached again for the cold dispassionate orb hanging above the earth. I poured all my memories and shame into it, hoping this time it would keep them all.

Opening my eyes a moment later, I forced myself to keep moving forward. There was no time for selfishness. The next leader of the Huntsville Pack was being born, and I'd been sent to collect herbs for the mother-to-be. They'd taken me in and I owed them something for that. 

I ground my teeth into my lip, hoping the pain would take me out of my head. Thinking about the past just made things worse, and once the downward spiral started, it was hard to stop.

Thankfully, we'd arrived at the herb patch and I now had something to do with my hands. Kneeling on the night-chilled ground, I pushed my fingers into the earth feeling for the roots like Marie had taught me.

"What are you doing?"

"We're here. These are the herbs we need." I yanked a plant free. "Where's the basket?"

The deputy grudgingly offered up the basket and I dropped the herb inside and moved on to the next one. For as cold as it was, the herbs were lush and vibrant.

Marie had cultivated herbs in the woods of Appalachia for years. She'd encouraged the grouping of various plants all over the place. There were patches for different things—healing wounds, soothing the mind, and for childbirth.

This particular patch contained herbs that would strengthen a pregnancy as well as aid labor. The list Marie had made contained Squaw Vine, Beth Root, Golden Seal and Blue Cohosh. I worked my way through all the herbs, making sure I had everything.

I picked the Blue Cohosh last, setting it carefully inside the basket. There. At least I'd done one thing right today.

Standing up, I said, "All set. Let's go."

"That's it? We're done?" The deputy peered into the basket. "Doesn't look like a lot."

"We only take as much as we need." I wiped my hands on my pants. "Otherwise we just waste it." I'd over-picked some ginseng once and Marie had flipped. I'd learned to be more careful since then.

Deputy Todd didn't move. He stood, the moon casting him in silver light. The basket hung from the crook of his arm and he scanned the forest, his head moving from left to right. He had large features, but was handsome in his own way.

"What?"

"I keep hearing something. Someone's out there."

"You're paranoid," I said. "Cut back on the pot and you'll be okay."

"I don't use," he said, his tone sharp.

"Yeah. Sure. The most common recreational drug on the planet and you've never touched it. Whatever. Can we go?"

He huffed at me in exasperation.

"Or just give me the basket, and I'll go while you stand out here hearing things all night." I held out my hand.

"I'm coming." He stomped toward me.

I set a rapid pace for Chloe and Jackson's house, speeding up even more once we reached the clearing. The Lupus Volante became a blur in my peripheral vision, a shadow I couldn't make out, which helped contain the need inside me.

I would die before I used again.

Right?

Right.

Oh moon, I hoped so.