When we pulled up in front of the old farmhouse, a row of cars were already parked in front. Dean’s grandmothers and brothers were sitting there on the porch with Tanya and my kids.

I started to wonder why nobody was inside, then it occurred to me that they’d only found Grampa’s body a couple hours ago. Maybe it felt weird to be in there right now… either that or they’d been watching for us to get here.

The farmhand that Dean had hired was lurking outside of the barn. He didn’t seem to be doing anything, just standing there with his hands in his pockets watching everybody.

He wore a filthy tractor’s hat, and I could see the top of his bald head through the mesh sides. The stained off-white tank top he wore was stretched over his beer belly, and tucked into a pair of faded jeans. I couldn’t help but wonder if it hurt the way that huge belt buckle he wore pressed into his overhanging gut.

Something about him wasn’t sitting right with me, so I turned and put my hand on Dean’s arm before I opened the car door.

“That guy you hired... Chuck? Is he trustworthy?”

Dean raised a brow as he looked me in confusion. “I’m pretty sure that this is probably not the time to have this discussion, but yeah, I think so? Where is this even coming from right now?”

“You know what, I honestly don’t even know myself. There’s just something about the way he’s standing over there staring at our family that is kind of giving me a creeper vibe.”

“Yeah, I’ve noticed that myself from time to time. I’m pretty sure that he’s all right, he’s just…” Dean’s voice trailed off as he looked over at the middle-aged farmhand. “I think he doesn’t know how to interact with other people. I don’t know, I’ve had the same feeling that something isn’t quite right with him, but then I wonder if maybe it’s as simple as he’s been on his own too long and is no longer housetrained?”

“That’s all well and good—if he were a dog. But the fact that he lives on our property with my kids, gives me pause.”

Dean reached up and cupped my cheek, then leaned forward to touch his forehead against mine. “Listen, let’s get through this next little while—I need the help around here right now. I promise I will keep a close eye on him, and the first inkling I get that something isn’t right—his ass is out of here.”

Dean leaned away, pulling the keys from the ignition and tapping them against the side of his leg.

“Honestly, right after he showed up here was when Chris got hurt, and I needed him while we were at the hospital. After that, it was a blur of wedding plans and everything for the past month, you know? I guess I’ve come to depend on him and let my own concerns get pushed aside. But, I promise that I will make it my mission to keep an eye on him and see if I can’t get a better handle on who he is, going forward. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable in your own home.”

I leaned over and kissed his cheek. “Thank you, that’s all I ask. Now,” I paused to take a deep breath as I looked over at our family who were watching intently from their seats on the porch. “Let’s go see about what comes next.”

As soon as I opened the door to the car, all three kids came running. Matty didn’t so much run, as he followed his younger siblings and tried to keep up a mask of indifference. My heart broke when I saw my son going into his perfect little soldier routine, another thing I’d be delving into when I had a free moment. I crouched down and held my arms open for my kids.

“Get over here and give me a hug. Tell me all about how much you missed me while you were off having fun with your new grandmothers.”

Chris placed his hand over my Adam’s apple while I spoke. I left him alone, knowing that he was enjoying the vibration from my vocal chords under his fingers.

Kiki had tears streaming down her cheeks as she squeezed in beside her brother and flung her arms around my waist, resting her chubby little cheek against my chest.

“Daddy, we just had dinner with Grampa Harry last night. We brought him a present and told him all about our trip, but when I woked up, Granny Libby said that Grampa went to live with the angels like Father did.” Her shoulders began to shake as she cried harder. “I don’t want those stupid angels to have my Grampa.”

I rubbed a hand along her spine. “I know, baby, I know.” I looked over her shoulder at my oldest where he stood awkwardly with his hands in his pockets as he dug the toe of his sneaker into the dirt.

Dean came around, and stepped up beside Matty. He rested a hand on Matty’s slim shoulder, and bent down to speak softly against his ear.

“At ease, soldier. You can relax now, little man. I’m here now, you hear me? It’s okay to be sad—every single one of us are.”

Matty rubbed the heels of his hands into his eyes, as he shook his head quickly. “I’m okay, I was worried about the little kids, you know? But now that you and Dad are here, I’ll let you handle them.”

Dean patted his shoulder, then wisely stepped away to leave well enough alone for now. At seven years old, it was a lot harder to comfort my little alpha male than it was with his siblings.

It felt good to know that I had my best friend to rely on to help me through this; I already knew that I’d be leaning on him in the coming days.

“Glad you boys made it back safe,” I glanced up to see Grandma Dot walking over. “Dean, why don’t you unload your suitcases and take them on up to you and Laurie’s room while I have a few minutes with your husband.”

I shook my head. “Actually, Dean and I didn’t have a chance to… That is… We don’t share a room yet.” My cheeks burned as I stumbled over my words.

“Poppycock. Why do you think Libby and I brought the kids home a day early? We got your room all set up last night—the kids helped us make it happen, didn’t you guys?” She smiled proudly at the three children. “We were going to do a few more things today, but… well, that can wait now.”

Kiki released her hard grip on my waist, stepping back and wiping her face with the back of each arm while nodding with excitement. “Yes, we did, Daddy! And we even put a present in there for you, come on—I can show you!”

Grandma Dot shared a private smile with me, letting me know that she understood how much I could use the distraction. I pulled Chris’ hand from my throat, kissing his fingertips before releasing it and signing for his benefit.

“Why don’t you kids show me what you did in my room yesterday? Then you can have a snack, while I visit with your grandmothers.”

Before I could go upstairs, I was waylaid by Granny Libby. For a short, round lady, she sure packed one hell of a hug. She held me in a fierce hug for several minutes, as I bent awkwardly to allow it.

The foot or so height difference didn’t work in my favor, yet it felt so comforting to be held in her maternal embrace. When my back started to hurt, I kissed her cheek and pulled away.

“Sorry, Granny. My back won’t let me bend any longer.”

“Don’t apologize, dear. Next time I’ll catch you sitting down before I hug your neck.” She patted my baby bump with a fond smile. “Now let’s show you your room, and then we’ll have us a nice little visit, okay?”

Before I knew what was happening, Granny had her arm around my waist and was leading me up the stairs. Grandma Dot’s tall, rangy form ran up the stairs ahead of us with the kids. Dean chuckled behind me where he walked with our suitcases. He said exactly what I was thinking.

“I sure as hell hope that I’m in that good of shape when I’m her age, you know?”

“Language, dear,” Granny commented. “As for Dot, just do what she does—eat plenty of vegetables and take a daily multivitamin.”

When we reached my bedroom, I saw that it was no longer mine alone. Dean’s things had been brought in and merged with my own, and I had to admit that I liked it.

I hoped that it wouldn’t make him feel awkward, since it probably was a little soon for us to be moving in together. But then again, I suppose this was probably a necessary part of the fake-marriage thing.

My eyes blinked in wonder when I looked over at the bed, and saw a new spread. It was a classic wedding ring quilt, with a pair of large, golden, interlocking rings stitched on a sky blue background with a darker blue border framing the whole design.

“Well, what do you think?” Granny asked expectantly, an excited smile covering her face.

“Granny, is this seriously one of your award-winning quilts?” Dean asked in a surprised voice, as he dropped the suitcases and walked over to run a hand over the spread.

“Of course, I have made one of these for each of my grandchildren. You’re just the first one to receive yours,” she ended in a conspiratorial whisper. Pointing her finger at each child, she gave a warning smile. “And nobody better tell the rest of them, either.”

Kiki nodded solemnly. “I remember my promise, Granny. I won’t ruin the surprises.”

“I know you won’t, sweet girl. Now come here and give your granny a hug,” she said happily as she held her arms open wide for Kiki. Matty pointed to the nightstand.

“We also put some fresh flowers in here for you, Dad. Tanya said you like the roses from the back garden,” he added with an embarrassed blush as he stared down at the floor.

“I do love them, Matty. Thank you for thinking of me, those flowers will be a bright spot for me to wake up to in the morning. Get over here and give me a hug, young man. You may think you’re getting too big for them, but I need to hug you—and I’m definitely not too old for your hugs.”

A brilliant smile spread over my son’s face as he looked up and rushed over to wrap his arms around me. As I hugged him, I muttered under my breath.

“When did you start getting so tall? I swear, you’ll be at my shoulder before I know it.”

Matty broke our hug, grinning up at me with a puffed out chest. “And then, I’ll be even taller than you someday—just wait and see.”

Grandma pulled Chris away from where he was kneeling with his ear to the air vent, then held a hand out for Kiki. “Come on kiddos, let’s go get you set up with snacks now. You can catch up with your daddy later—but right now, he has a few things he needs to attend to.”

And just like that, the mood darkened as I remembered why I’d come home early. As often as I’d tried to push it to the back of my mind today, the heaviness in my heart was right there the moment I thought of Gramps and the huge void he’d be leaving in my life.

The grandmothers hustled the children out, while Dean quietly pulled me in for a hug. “Take a minute, you’ll still have plans to make and things to do when we’re done. But let’s take a moment and catch our breath before we jump in, hmm?

“You know, when you agreed to fake-marry me—you weren’t really promising to be here for better or for worse. I’m not gonna lie, I plan to lean on you with everything I’ve got. But, I want you to know that you don’t have to let me.”

Dean hugged me harder, his hands gripping my shoulders as he held me against him. “We’ve been leaning on each other since we were kids in school—that’s not gonna change just because we got married.”

“Fake married,” I corrected.

“Either way, the fact remains—I’ve got your back whether or not you’re wearing my ring in any official or unofficial capacity. No matter what, you’re still my best friend.”

I sucked in a breath as a flood of hot tears began coursing down my cheeks. “How am I supposed to live without him, Dean? Gramps has always been there to catch me when I fall. After my parents died, he was there to take me in. And then he did the same thing all over again a few short months ago when Tristan died. I love him—shit, loved him? Fuck. How do I go on?”

“First of all, it’s okay to say love in the present tense. Even though he’s not here, your feelings still matter. And as for how do you live without him? I don’t know, but I’ll be right here beside you while we figure it out.”

* * *

The next few days went by in a blur of neighbors and familiar faces from town stopping by to drop off food. Our refrigerator and pantry quickly filled with pretty much everything from cold cuts to fried chicken and various casseroles, to cold salads, cookies, cakes, and pies.

This was one nice thing about living in a small town, whenever someone passed away, people were right there to bring comfort and show they cared with offerings of food.

By the time the funeral finally took place, I was a shaky mess. The only thing keeping me going were my kids—and Dean. Whenever I needed anything, he was right there for me. It seemed like I only needed to think that I was hungry or thirsty—and he was already there with something in hand.

Tanya had also been a godsend. She was still staying with us—even though her official job had ended—she still needed a place to stay until she found another position.

In the meantime, she’d been helping me with the kids and greeting people who stopped by with condolence cards and food—always the food.

Dean reached over and took my hand then, pulling me out of my mental wanderings and drawing my attention back to the service. Gramps had been cremated, according to his request.

The only thing we had to look at were a wide display of flowers, several framed pictures of him at different stages of his life, and the simple brass urn that held his cremains. Who knew that was even a word? I did now. I’d learned a lot through this whole process, lessons I never wanted to have use for again.

I realized that the preacher was bowing his head to pray, and automatically bowed out of respect, although I didn’t join in. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe in God—because I did. But right now, I wasn’t feeling all that close to the Almighty. I felt like I had a bone to pick with him for taking my grampa away when I’d finally reconnected with him.

The rest of the service went by in the same blur that the first part had. Tanya and Kade took the kids back to the farm, while Dean and I took the urn to scatter Gramps’ ashes out near his and my grandmother’s favorite fishing hole—the same place where he’d scattered my grandmother’s ashes so many years before.

On our way out of the chapel, a familiar older face that I couldn’t quite place stopped me with a polite smile.

“Hello, young Laurence. You probably don’t remember me, it’s been a few years. I’m Alan Roberts, your grandfather’s attorney. Listen, I hate to do this right now, but it’s time sensitive. Here’s my card, can we plan for you and your husband to come by my office on Monday morning? Let’s say, ten o’clock?”

Dean held out a hand to take the card for me when I stood there too stunned to respond. “This important, Alan? I gotta admit, man. Your timing kind of sucks right now.”

Alan leaned in and spoke softly. “We need to go over the will, so that I can get the probate process started. Laurence’s grandfather was in touch with me recently, and it was of utmost importance to him that the farm be transferred into Laurence’s sole possession as soon as possible. He wanted to be certain his grandson was taken care of in the event of his death, and that he wouldn’t be dependent on anybody to provide for him.”

I found my voice then, and reached out to shake the older man’s hand. “Thank you, Mr. Roberts. My husband and I will be there Monday morning. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go say goodbye to my grandfather now.”

We made our way out to the fishing hole, with a line of about seven or eight cars following behind us as we drove through winding country roads to make our way back to a spot not known to many people. I looked over at Dean with an ironic grin.

“You know, Gramps would be pissed as hell that we’re giving away the location of his secret spot.”

Dean chuckled. “Don’t worry about it. I’ve been out here many times with the old man over the past several years, and I can still barely find it. I doubt any of these people would be able to find their way back here without GPS coordinates—and a strong desire to get bitten by chiggers.”

I snorted, and opened the glove box as he reminded me. Pulling out the bug spray, I spritzed my ankles and calves while Dean’s truck bounced up and down over the dips and potholes of the ungraded road.

We finally got back to the part of the pond that Gramps swore by, and Dean parked his truck. After he stepped on the emergency brake, he shut off the engine and looked over at me hesitantly.

Tipping his chin toward the urn I held between my legs, Dean spoke gruffly. “Are you sure you’re ready for this? I can do it for you, if you want. Or, we can do it together?”

I thought about refusing, then passed him the urn. “Let’s do it together—I like the sound of that.”

Dean carried the urn, while I stumbled along beside him and fought to keep my balance on the slippery bank. The rest of our entourage held back respectfully, forming a semi circle behind us while Dean held the urn, and I removed the lid.

“Do you want to, I don’t know—just pour it in the water? Or, do we fling it into the breeze and let the wind take him? Help me out here, because I have no idea what I’m doing.” Dean admitted quietly.

I leaned closer to speak softly enough that nobody would overhear. “Trust me when I tell you that we don’t want to fling the ashes. When Gramps and I brought my Gramma’s ashes out here… Well, let’s just say that when I washed my hair that night? There were bits of my grandmother that went down the drain.”

Dean’s eyes widened as his jaw dropped in horror. “Noooo... Her ashes blew back on you guys? Oh, shit… your poor grandfather. I can’t imagine how horrible that must’ve been. And you! You couldn’t have been much older than Matty.”

I gulped sadly as I remembered. “Exactly. That’s why I asked Tanya to take the kids home while we did this. I feel like there are certain facts about life and death that kids don’t need to be part of, you know? It was bad enough that their grandparents made them see their father in his open casket, and watch his graveside burial as the mortuary people lowered him into the ground. I didn’t want them here for this, too.”

“Yeah, I guess you wouldn’t. Okay, so we’re going to carefully pour the ashes out then, right?”

I nodded. “Yes, let’s get it over with. I think I’m ready to go home and cuddle my babies now.”

Dean smiled softly, his eyes lit with understanding. “Let’s do it.”

As we carefully poured the ashes into the pond, it struck me how anticlimactic the whole thing was. It felt like the heavens should open up right about now as a golden spotlight shined down to highlight the moment.

Or a choir should spontaneously erupt in song behind us? Hell, even a flock of birds bursting through the treetops would make me feel like something momentous had happened.

Right as I thought that, and Dean was putting the lid back on the urn, a large catfish broke the surface of the water. Grandma Dot cheered from somewhere behind me.

“Did you see that? That was a sign from Harry that he’s in a good place—you did good, boys. Now let’s get out of here, the damn bugs are eating me alive.”

I started to stand, when my stomach began to flutter like a swarm of butterflies was trying to get out. I grabbed Dean’s hand, and lifted my shirt as I guided his hand to my belly.

“Just wait, if you’re patient, you’ll be able to feel it in a second. The baby finally kicked for the first time.”

I smiled at Dean’s fascinated smile as he clutched my belly and waited to feel it for himself. A moment later it came again, and my stomach bounced against his hand as his face lit up in wonder.

“That’s the baby?” He breathed out with eyes full of awe.

“That’s the baby,” I confirmed.

* * *

Later that night, after everyone left and the kids were finally tucked into bed, Dean grabbed my hands and pulled me up from the couch. “Come on, Laurie. It’s been a long day—let’s go to bed.”

I made my way up the stairs while Dean shut off the lights and locked up the house. By the time he joined me in bed, I was already pretty comfy and snuggled in.

After he’d shut off the lights, Dean climbed into bed and rolled over closer to me and put his arm around my waist before tentatively leaning in to brush his lips over mine. We hadn’t done anything since we’d come home the day Gramps died, and I loved the fact that he’d initiated this kiss.

His tongue swept into my mouth cautiously, as if he were a blind man feeling his way through unknown territory. I fought back a nervous laugh, and let him experiment. Heck, as long as he wanted to kiss me like this, I’d be his guinea pig every day of the week and three times on Sunday.

Dean broke our kiss, his voice raspy in the dim lighting of our moonlit room. “So, I know we’ve already agreed that I’m bi-curious, if not totally bi… If I promise not to panic this time, can we maybe fool around? I mean, you’ll have to guide me. I don’t exactly know what to do with an extra sausage in the bed.”

I slapped his chest, then pushed him over onto his back as I moved to straddle his hips. “First of all, you don’t make jokes about extra sausages. Second of all, you do the same thing as you would with anybody else you wanted to make love to—you do what feels good. If something would feel good to you, it probably would to me too. It’s really that simple, you know?”

“Then how about you lift up and let me help you get your boxers off? I think that would be an excellent start to making me feel good.”

Lifting my hips, I let him undress me. It wasn’t until I took my seat to straddle his hips again, that I realized something interesting. Dean had come to bed naked. I moved my way down a little until our cocks were lined up against each other.

“Reach between us, and hold us together in your fist.”

Dean gasped as he did what I told him to do. He groaned out his words as he spoke again.

“Do you want me to… jack us together or what?”

Rolling my hips, I nodded as I swooped down to steal a kiss.

“That’s exactly what I want you to do. Trust me, babe... it’s going to feel fantastic.”

After he experimented with different grips and hand movements, Dean quickly found his rhythm as he stroked us together. I moaned softly as our heads rubbed against each other. Slick with pre-cum, our cocks found glorious friction as they fought to push through the top of Dean’s fist.

I waited until we were both close, then licked my finger and reached down between Dean’s legs. I ran my finger around the edge of his tight pucker, before slowly pushing it in.

Dean’s eyes popped open, as he stared at me wildly, yet still managing to not miss a stroke. “You didn’t tell me we’d be doing butt stuff,” he panted out.

I slid my finger in deeper, and felt around until I found that spongy bundle of nerves. Dean’s back arched off the bed as I stroked it.

“Hey, Dean,” I winked. “Meet your prostate... I figured it was time that you were properly introduced.”

He didn’t answer, instead he bit down on his bottom lip with a loud groan as he painted our chests with cum. With a full body shudder, I came hard and added to the body art we were creating.

After we finished, I rolled off Dean and flopped onto my back. I reached over with a shaky hand to pluck three Kleenex tissues out of the box on my nightstand. I passed them to Dean, then grabbed a few more for myself. After we were both cleaned up, I took our spent tissues and tossed them into the wastebasket on my side of the bed.

Dean pulled me back over, snuggling in with my back to his chest as he spooned me. His breathing evened out, as he fell into a deep sleep but I laid there for awhile, lost in thought.

“Why am I so stupid,” I whispered to Dean’s sleeping body. “After all these years of fighting my feelings for you, now you’ve gone and made me fall in love with your ass. I know you love me too… only not the way I want you to... I wish I knew whether or not you’d ever be in love with me.”

I threaded my fingers through his hand that was resting almost possessively over my baby bump. My mind wandered as I lay there lost in thought. Even if there was no real attachment on Dean’s side, it was too late for me—I was too fucking gone to protect my heart at this point.

As my eyelids grew heavy, and I began to drift off to sleep, I reached a decision. I was going to savor this moment with Dean for as long as I could—because when we parted ways eventually, and we’d obviously have to at some point—it was going to rip my fucking heart out to pretend to only be his friend.