TWELVE
April brought new life, promising green shoots erupting all around them. Daffodils sprouted on the verges and the trees burst with buds. It had been chilly last Easter at home when they had the pool to swim in and the gardens to wander; yet now, in this cramped little box with no outside space, the weather was glorious.
Nina took a little joy in flinging open the French windows every morning to let the day in. She found herself waking naturally a little before her alarm. She made sure the boys had pizza in the fridge or a casserole in the oven if she was going to be home late. They managed. If anything, the responsibility was good for them.
Declan remained a little tight-lipped about his school days, still slightly unnerved by the unruly antics of his peers, but in his usual inimitable fashion, he made the best of it. Connor veered between vociferously informing her how much he hated his school, his home, his life, and going very quiet. It was hard to say which she preferred. All she could do was try to be accessible.
Her confidence was growing daily. The later shift would be a test for her – she was doing a practice run acting as manager, to see if she could handle the role in case Fiona ever had an emergency absence. It was a big day for Connor, too: his official rugby trial. He had been training hard; this was his big shot. Nina, however, had to push her home life from her mind and concentrate.
An elderly lady in a wheelchair approached, pushed by a man. ‘I’m Jacob and this is my mum, Miss Molly,’ he said as they made their way into the impressive atrium. She knew in advance that Miss Molly had been convalescing in hospital and that this was her first trip out in weeks. She bent low to greet the elderly woman.
‘Welcome to Celandine Court. I’m Nina, and I will be showing you around today and helping you settle in. This must feel a bit daunting, but don’t worry, Miss Molly. I think you are going to love it here.’ She hoped she sounded convincing.
Molly’s head hung forward, her expression blank. Slowly the woman’s eyes flickered upwards towards the glass roof.
‘It’s quite something, isn’t it?’ Nina followed her eyeline up to the sky that was darkening. ‘Most people like to sit out here in the sun, but I can let you in to a little secret.’ She bent closer. ‘The best time to sit here is when it’s raining. There is nothing like watching the raindrops hit the roof. That’s much more interesting, don’t you think?’
Nina walked alongside Molly’s chair as Jacob wheeled her from room to room, pointing out the positives in the pretty décor and spacious layout, and trying to distract her from the shouts of some of the residents or the loud television. Not that Molly seemed to notice. Her son, however, seemed to jump at every new noise. Nina smiled reassuringly at the man. He appeared to be in his mid-forties, with short dark hair. He had a fat, bulky watch on his tanned arm, and carried an iPad and a phone in his hand, which rested against the handle of his mother’s wheelchair. It reminded her of the kids, who couldn’t bear to be separated from their phones, and of Finn, who always needed to be connected to work.
‘Oi!’ Eliza, who sat alone at a table in the middle of the games room, called out to her.
‘Excuse me a moment, Miss Molly.’ She laid her hand on the old lady’s shoulder.
She walked over to the table and watched as the woman sorted through a packet of large cards that she laid face down. ‘Hi, Eliza.’
Eliza looked her up and down, as she always did, as if this were the first time they had met, and maybe for her it was. ‘D’you play cards then?’ she shouted.
‘I do, but very badly.’
‘All right then. I’ll play with you.’ Eliza tutted loudly, as though the very idea were an imposition to her.
‘That sounds great. Let me get Miss Molly settled, and I shall come down and join you – how about that?’
Eliza huffed. ‘Well, I won’t wait all night! I’ve got places I need to be, you know!’
At the end of their tour, Nina introduced Jacob and his mum to Alma, one of the senior care workers who came from the Philippines, as bossy as she was kind. Then Nina said her goodbyes and returned to find Eliza.
When Nina’s shift came to an end, she made her way up to the first floor to check on Miss Molly one last time. The door to the room was ajar, but she hesitated before going in, spying Jacob sitting in the glow of lamplight, holding his mother’s hand. The curtains were drawn and the room had an air of serenity.
‘You are going to be happy here, I can tell. And I will be in every single day to see you, I promise,’ he whispered.
She watched as Miss Molly closed her eyes and Jacob lifted the sheet up to her chin. Her bowed, bulbous knuckles remained peeping over the edge of the bed linen and her fingers lightly touched the cotton; she seemed to take comfort from the soft edge. Nina felt the same maternal pull for this old lady that she did when watching babies fall asleep, their vulnerability similar. She was moved by the tender moment between mother and son. She thought of Connor.
‘Night-night, Miss Molly,’ Jacob whispered. ‘Sweet dreams, and I shall see you tomorrow.’
Nina made her way to the reception desk to sign out, smiling at Roy, the night guard, on the desk. Jacob appeared from the lift. He looked emotional.
‘She usually sleeps straight through, but if she doesn’t . . .’ He hesitated, as if not sure what he wanted to ask.
‘Is it her first night?’ Roy asked knowingly.
‘Yes, it’s ridiculous really, she’s been sleeping in a hospital for weeks, but that was okay for me because it was temporary. This feels a bit more permanent,’ he confessed.
‘Have you seen these?’ Nina leaned on the reception desk and pointed to a bank of televisions behind Roy’s desk. Jacob leaned over and peered at the screens. She watched him squint at monitors, where residents, some with carers, made their way along corridors or into the dining room, in another a resident had stopped for a sit-down in a chair by the lift on the first floor.
‘We have every square inch of communal area monitored, and Roy watches all night. There are also sensors in the halls that detect movement, as a double precaution. And if Roy isn’t watching, if he has a break or whatever, another member of staff sits here and monitors. We have two nurses who make rounds. The first is at ten thirty and they do so every three hours, checking in. I promise you, Miss Molly will be fine. And I guarantee she will sleep better than you.’
‘I feel a bit like I am abandoning her.’ He gave a false laugh, as if to balance the display of sentiment.
‘I think a lot of people feel like that, and the residents that have someone to care about them in that way are very lucky.’ She thought of Eliza, who Nina had never seen to have a visitor.
‘She’s right,’ Roy agreed.
Jacob looked down at his feet. ‘I’d best be off, but thank you. I do feel a bit reassured and I shall no doubt see you tomorrow.’ Nina waved goodbye to Roy and left the building just after Jacob. She stepped out in the cold, watching as he climbed into a shiny off-road pickup. The diamond-lustre paintwork and smart leather upholstery reminded her of when she too had a flashy car to hop in and out of at will. Jacob called out to her. ‘Do you need a lift anywhere?’
‘No! I’m only a short walk away. But thank you, that’s very kind.’ She put her hands in her jacket pockets. ‘And try not to worry. They are a great team at Celandine Court and they will let you know exactly how your mum is faring. If they think she’s unhappy or needs a change to her care plan, they will let you know. You’re not doing this alone.’
Jacob fastened his seat belt. ‘Thank you for that. I suppose it’ll get easier, leaving her.’
‘It will.’ She nodded.
‘Do you live nearby?’ he asked through the open car door.
‘Yes, just in Portswood. How about you?’
‘On the marina, so a little drive, but to be honest it clears my head. Anyway, have a good evening.’
‘You too.’ She walked on ahead and heard the roar of the engine as he drove past. She didn’t look up. The sound made her think again of Finn and the noise that heralded his arrival, the gunmetal grey Mercedes E-Class that he so loved, the car in which he had died.
‘Hello, hello!’ Nina called out as she put her key in the door of the flat. Kicking off her shoes in the hallway, she listened carefully, wondering if she might be mistaken, but no, there it was: the unfamiliar sound of Connor’s laughter.
‘It’s true! I am telling you, Connor, you can see the Great Wall of China from space. I read it in my magazine,’ Declan insisted.
‘But’s it not true! And just because so many people say it is, doesn’t make it a fact. It’s just one of those things that is said so often that people believe it, like the misconception that all bats are blind. They are not. They all have eyes and are capable of sight.’
‘You are so wrong, Connor.’
‘I am not!’ the older brother shouted playfully. ‘And when you are ready to admit you’re wrong, I will accept your apology, but you need to do it in a public place for maximum impact.’
‘How public?’
‘Very public, and full of people we know,’ Connor fired back.
‘Hey, you two!’ she called, overjoyed to hear their interaction.
‘We’ve had supper,’ Declan announced, as if this in itself were an achievement. The scent of baked potatoes and ham still lingered in the flat.
‘How was it?’ she asked as she walked down the hall and sank into the sofa.
‘Good!’ Declan said.
‘And how was your try-out, Connor?’ She studied the smile that played about his mouth.
‘Great.’ He nodded.
‘Is that all I am going to get? “Great”? I’ve been on tenterhooks all day! Give me the details!’ she yelled.
He brushed the hair from his forehead and met her gaze. ‘It was more than great, actually. The team is good, like, really good.’ He sat forward. ‘I’ve only ever thought that the Kings Norton boys could play. That’s kind of what the coach told us – that we had a certain way of playing that others didn’t get – and I believed him.’
‘A bit like the fact that the Great Wall of China can be seen from space?’ she quipped.
‘Yeah, I guess so. But I did believe it, Mum, I wanted to believe it. It felt great to be part of something that I thought was the best, and because of that I’ve been dreading playing anywhere else. But Cottrell’s has a good squad.’
‘What position were you?’
‘Winger.’
‘And do you think they’ll give you a game?’ she asked.
‘I do. I’ve got to keep turning up for practice and working hard, but I reckon I’ll make the team. The boys are nearly all two years older than me, but that means even if I only get on the bench, I’ve got two years to earn a place and keep it,’ he said excitedly.
‘I’m really proud of you.’ She reached out and grabbed his arm, pulling him towards her in a rare hug. To her delight, he didn’t push her away.
‘Is it okay if I go out tonight?’
‘Go out?’
‘Yes, with some of the guys from the team?’
His request caught her a little off guard. Her concerns about not being out too late on a school night and whether he had any homework were far outweighed by her sheer delight to think that her eldest boy might have made a friend.
‘Yes, of course!’ She concentrated on not sounding over-eager.
‘Brandon’s coming over soon. We’re going to the Westquay shopping centre and then to Sprinkles for a milkshake.’
‘Brandon, as in Brandon who you hate?’ she asked.
Connor laughed loudly. ‘He’s hilarious, Mum.’
It was the first time in ages she had heard him speak normally and openly, without barbs. It was wonderful.
‘So is that okay?’
‘It’s more than okay,’ she said, smiling.
‘Just you and me tonight, Mum.’ Declan beamed. ‘Shall we watch a film on my laptop?’
All she really wanted was a hot bath and her pyjamas.
‘I’d love that. Let me just grab a cup of coffee and I am all yours.’ She ruffled his hair and made her way to the kitchen. Caffeine would help.
Nina felt warm at the fact that Connor was going out with friends – friends! How wonderful! It occurred to her then that, in that moment, with something to celebrate, her first thought had not been to tell Finn. There was no mental door slam of realisation that he was gone, no jarring bolt of grief; instead, she felt a kind of peace, knowing she was doing okay.
She stirred sometime later, after they’d watched the movie and Declan had gone to bed, at the sound of a key in the door.
It was Connor arriving home a little before nine o’clock. She sat up and he lowered himself onto the sofa next to her.
‘Declan asleep?’
‘Yes, we had a lovely evening. We watched Avengers Assemble. Again. I think he spoke every line along with the film.’
‘Dad used to go to sleep and wake up just before the end, and then say how much he’d enjoyed it.’
Nina gave a small laugh. ‘He worked hard for us, your dad, and when he stopped, and sat down, he couldn’t help but nod off. It was like he had one of those power-saving buttons.’
‘Do you think . . . ?’ Connor paused.
‘Do I think what?’
‘Do you think that Dad crashed because he had so much on his mind, worrying about the money and everything?’
Connor’s words sounded rehearsed, she suspected, diluted and censored after much thought since the night Mackintosh and Vooght had ransacked their home. She recalled the way he had looked at her, a similar expression to the one he now bore, sad and unsure of what answer he sought: ‘Mum? You don’t think he . . . ?’ She thought she had put the question out of his mind; turns out she had merely tamped it down, where the idea had continued to smoulder.
She looked at him, sensing that he was seeking reassurance as much as truth. ‘I think it’s possible that he was distracted, yes. But the truth is, we will never know, not for sure, and so for me, and I am sure for you too, it feels gentler, easier, to accept that it was an accident on a horrible bend that is notoriously dangerous, and Dad was going too fast, just like the police report said.’
Connor nodded. Her response was enough, for now.
‘I miss him,’ he confessed.
‘I know, and I think you always will, but we can still go on to have full, happy lives. Because life doesn’t end just because someone is no longer with you.’
There was a moment or two of reflective silence.
‘Did you have a good time tonight?’ she asked.
‘Yep.’ He picked at the hem of his shirt, smiling. ‘We just hung out at the mall.’
‘Funny to think it wasn’t built when I lived here,’ she said.
‘Did they even have roads here then?’ he queried.
‘Just about. We needed them to get our horse and cart around.’ She nudged him.
‘We had a laugh. It’s different, you know, from what I used to do with George and Charlie.’
She nodded, thinking of the hours they had spent in the home cinema or playing tennis or roaming the grounds on the quad bikes. Yes, it was. Very different.
‘Have you heard from those guys much?’ She was wary of disturbing their newfound peace.
‘Not so much, but I know they are busy . . .’ He blinked.
‘How do you feel about that? Would you like more contact with them?’
‘It’s funny, last week I would have said yes, but now’ – he looked up at her – ‘I think it’s probably easier to move on if we leave things as they are. If I see them, great, I’d love it, but . . .’ He paused. ‘It helps when I’m out with the guys from school if I’m not thinking about my old mates. You know?’
‘Yep, I do know. Living in the now. It’s getting late, Con, and you need to get your prep done, if you have any?’
‘My homework, you mean? Only a bit of reading. Think I’ll do it in bed.’
‘Sure. Goodnight, love.’ She watched him walk from the room. He looked taller. She knew the questions about Finn’s death would arise again and she hoped that, from a more stable foundation, she would be able to work it through with him.
Her chest tightened when she pictured Finn’s note, scrawled in haste and left unfinished: ‘With every day comes a new pressure that is pushing down down down & I don’t know what will break first, me or my world . . .’ The sadness she felt at his isolated distress did not, however, lessen. She wondered if it ever would, and now it was layered with the doubts about her marriage. To try to pick through the mess was mentally exhausting.
Nina reached for Declan’s dinner plate and his leftover baked potato. She picked up a chunk and popped in her mouth. She closed her eyes and saw Finn coming in late from work. He had stopped at the kitchen island, under the dazzling spotlights, and she watched as he forked a mouthful of cold cauliflower cheese into his mouth.
‘Mmm, delicious!’
‘Darling, you don’t have to eat it cold, and you don’t have to eat off my plate. I can serve you up a fresh bowlful, if you like?’ She had run her hand across his broad back, feeling the muscles underneath. ‘I knew you’d be in late. There’s plenty in the fridge. The boys had it with crispy bacon and a salad – want me to make that for you?’
‘No, thanks.’ He shook his head, going in for a second forkful. ‘Here’s the thing.’ He waved the long-tined fork in her direction. ‘Have you ever noticed that food eaten from someone else’s plate or bowl always tastes a thousand times better than it does from your own? It’s a similar thing with toast. Toast is simply toast, dry bread made brown, until someone else makes it for you, and then it is transformed into a mouth-watering, delicious feast of Michelin-star proportions.’
‘I think you need to come home late more often if this is the mood you arrive in.’ She kissed his cheek as she walked past, on her way back to the soft chair with a view over the pool and terrace, where a glass of wine waited for her.
‘I love you, Mrs McCarrick,’ he had called out.
She looked back at him over her shoulder, heart swelling with joy at her lucky, lucky life. ‘And I love you.’
‘There was good in our marriage, Finn,’ she whispered now as she made her way along the corridor towards her bedroom. ‘So much good.’