17
, for now, is Ben’s Encino apartment. Inside the door, Ben pins Alex against the wall, all tongue and grabbing hands until Alex captures his wrists and twists away.
“Ben, stop,” he says trying to ignore the way Ben is circling his hips against him. It’s easier said than done and in the end, he has to let Ben’s hands go so he can grab his waist and hold their bodies apart in order to think. “I know you brought work home – “
“It can wait,” Ben says trying to get his fingers on Alex’s belt buckle.
“No, it can’t,” Alex says and finally succeeds in pushing Ben off him. “Besides, I want to - Ben, stop damn it - borrow your car for a while if you’re okay with that.”
This distracts Ben and he stops, giving Alex the chance to speak.
“I need to get some clothes for work from my place, and I thought I’d stop by the market and get some stuff for dinner. I could do that while you work.”
Suddenly unsure of himself, he chews his lip as he waits for Ben to answer. Visibly pleased, Ben digs the keys from his pocket and holds them out.
“Don’t forget your toothbrush,” he says, smirking, then kisses Alex again.
Alex pushes him away with the tips of his fingers.
“I’ll be back soon,” he says opening the door. Half way through, he stops and turns back.
“And Ben, don’t make me wear my pajamas tonight.” He drops his gaze to Ben’s belt buckle to make his point.
“No fair,” Ben protests.
“Uh huh, work.”
He closes the door on Ben’s grumbling and smiles to himself, tossing the keys in the air as he waits for the lift.
#
tosses a clean pair of jeans and two shirts in his backpack along with his iPod, phone charger, and the book he’s reading. Finds his toiletry kit. Hesitates a moment and grabs a couple of his favorite movies. Checks the fridge. There’s nothing that will go off but he takes the bag of grapefruit with a grin and finishes the last of the milk straight from the carton before tossing the empty in the garbage.
At the supermarket, he selects enough vegetables for two or three days and on impulse adds a loaf of sweet raisin bread for the sugar junky. After selecting lamb chops he finally adds a small bag of chocolate chip cookies wondering as he moves through the check out how he’ll keep Ben from eating them for breakfast.
“Need a hand?” Ben calls as he pushes the door open. Alex tries to mumble a reply around the bag he’s holding in place with his teeth and Ben grabs it, wrinkling his nose when he sees it contains grapefruit.
“Ouf, better. Thanks.”
“You know I would have come down to help,” Ben says opening the bags one at a time and looking in each. “Or you could have done more than one trip.”
“It’s a one trip load,” Alex says and pushes him away. “Now get out of there and go back to what you were doing while I make dinner. Go on, scram.”
“Can I have a cookie?”
“No. You’ll spoil your appetite.”
“I’m starving,” Ben whines trying to grab the bag of cookies Alex is holding out of reach. “I haven’t eaten since this morning.”
“Then let me make dinner. Go, get back to work.”
Muttering that Alex is a heartless bastard who wants nothing more than to see him starve to death, Ben returns to his desk. Alex opens cupboards and drawers, looking for utensils and a frying pan.
“I’m telling Polly,” Ben calls from the other room.
“Oh my god, are you five?” Alex calls back rinsing a dusty frying pan.
While the pan heats, he puts away the fruit and vegetables, stopping to throw away something from the bottom of Ben’s fridge that looks as though it’s trying to evolve into a new life form. Seasons the lamb chops and sets them in the pan, puts a sachet of rice in the microwave to cook, and starts making a salad. He’s chopping mushrooms when his phone chimes. Polly’s name appears on his screen.
“You’re an idiot,” he calls to Ben as he picks it up and thumbs the message open.
“Hot idiot,” Ben corrects.
“Whatever.”
He smiles when he reads the message.
‘Ben says you’re trying to withhold cookies and force feed him vegetables. Good luck.’
Before he can answer another chime sounds.
‘Can we assume this is a sign you are sticking around a while?’
He thinks for a moment then thumbs a reply before turning the chops over.
‘Only because I am secretly in love with his grandmother.’
As he plates up, his phone chimes again.
‘Young man, you have exquisite taste.’
#
Once the dishes have been rinsed and stacked in the dishwasher and Ben has assured him he’s done all he needs to do for the evening, Alex makes tea and takes it through to the living room. Next to the mugs he places a dish of cookies and threatens to put them back in the bag when Ben complains that there are only three.
Alex sits in the corner of the couch, his feet on Ben’s lap and unfolds a map while he sips his tea. Ben picks cookie crumbs off his shirt and asks what he’s doing.
“Looking for the nearest park with a running track. I think there’s one a couple of blocks over but I’m not exactly sure where.”
He helps himself to a cookie and nudges the plate toward Ben, nodding that yes, he can have the last one.
“So, what’s the deal?” Ben asks, nibbling the edges of the cookie. “I mean I’m all for keeping fit but dude, you run, you cycle, you go to the gym. And you do marathons.”
Alex sighs. This is it; the part where they talk about ... stuff. Stuff Alex has never talked about with anyone. To buy some thinking time, he folds the map up and places it on the coffee table. Picks at the white linen of the couch cushions.
“It’s one way of having some social contact with people outside of work,” he says, “and it’s a good way of getting rid of, um, physical tension.”
Embarrassed he looks at Ben, who finishes his cookie with a grin.
“I can think of better ways,” he says.
“Of course you can,” Alex says, cheeks scarlet. “And sometimes it’s a way to meet people for that too, though I’ve never been very good at that aspect.”
Ben snorts in disbelief and rubs Alex’s foot with his free hand.
“I wasn’t kidding when I said there weren’t many men before you Ben,” Alex says, dropping his eyes, “two, maybe three. And none of them were serious. Longest lasted a couple of weeks. Few one night stands here and there.”
Surprise widens Ben’s eyes; he puts his cup down and sits up straighter. Reaches behind the couch to flick on the halogen lamp and studies Alex’s face for a moment.
“Really? But what about sex?”
“What about it? I just told you –”
“You told me you don’t get involved and that you’ve had a couple of random hook ups. But, I thought you liked sex.”
Alex snorts.
“I do like sex,” he nudges Ben with his toes, “but I keep telling you, I’ve had to be ... careful... about how I live my life.”
“So, what? You exercise instead of getting off?’
“Well yeah,” Alex says. He rubs his cheek and sighs. “And I ...you know...”
Ben lifts his right hand up, palm out and wriggles his fingers, grinning.
“Mmmm,” Alex says going a deeper red.
“Aww don’t be shy, baby. It’s perfectly natural and healthy.”
“Can we change the subject?” Alex draws his knees up and wraps his arms around them, fingering his wrist cuff. Sighs in relief when Ben shrugs and crawls forward, turns and leans back against his knees. He drops one foot to the floor so he can pull Ben to his chest and they sit in silence for several minutes, Ben stroking the top of Alex’s thigh.
“I wondered,” Alex says finally, “how you’d feel about meeting Matt and Claire this weekend.”
Ben tips his head back, surprised smile on his face.
“Really? When? Where? You sure?”
“My place for lunch on Saturday?”
It might be unfair, but he feels the need to be on his own territory for this meeting, although he tells Ben it’s because he has all the things he and Matt need to cook with. Pulling Alex’s arm around him, Ben says he’ll meet them anywhere Alex likes.
“Tell me what wine to get,” he says, and leans back again, tipping his face to be kissed. Smiles when Alex obliges. “You know, for a guy who hasn’t has much experience, you seem to know what you’re doing in bed.”
Alex gives him a gentle slap on the thigh.
“You have a one-track mind,” he says. “I read, you idiot.”
“Really? " Ben fingers the leather cuff.
Alex closes his hands over Ben’s fingers, stilling them, but doesn’t move them. He feels Ben tense in confusion and takes a breath.
“If I tell you something, can you just promise to not say anything until I’m done?”
Ben nods.
“Remember when I said my parents wanted to disown me when they found out I was gay? It might have been a bit more involved than that.”
He tightens his arm around Ben to reassure himself he’s there. Smiles when Ben rubs his hand.
“I figured out I liked guys when I was about fourteen or fifteen,” Alex says, “and I knew I couldn’t tell anyone, especially not my parents. So, I kept it a secret – which I guess is what a lot of teenage boys do when they first figure it out.”
Ben nods again and Alex swallows hard before continuing.
“Anyway, when I was seventeen everything sort of blew up. I’d got this book – I bought them in the city one day in this grimy little place, they didn’t even ID me – and I thought I had it really well hidden.”
He gives a sad laugh and squeezes Ben’s hand.
“Turns out I’m not very good at hiding stuff. I got home from school one afternoon and there were all these cars in the driveway. When I went inside, my mother was there with the priest and some of the elders from the parish council. Our family doctor was one of them. My father. On the table were my bedsheets, pajamas, and the book.”
Ben’s fingers dig into Alex’s thigh. He says nothing but Alex can sense his indignation.
“Normally I changed my sheets if, you know, anything happened during the night. But I’d been running late, and I thought they’d be okay until I got home. They demanded to know how often I had - sinned against nature they called it. When I told them I was a virgin, that I hadn’t done anything with anyone they wanted to know how many times I had practiced self-abuse. They kept asking until I just gave them a number to get them to shut up. They made me strip and I had to kneel naked in the middle of the room while they prayed over me. They told me I would be going to a camp over summer where I would be treated for and hopefully cured of my depravity and sin. When they were done, they took me to my room. My bed was gone, and they’d taken my door off the hinges.”
“Oh, Alex,” Ben tries to turn but Alex tightens his hold so he can’t move. “Baby, that’s sick.”
“Let me finish,” Alex says. “When Matt got home, he lost his shit. I don’t know how he’d guessed but he’d never let on. And he never treated me any different. There was a huge row. A lot of yelling. He threatened to report them for abuse not that anybody would have believed him anyway – “
“You don’t know that Alex – “
“I do know that, Ben. They were – are – successful accountants, on the parish council, pillars of the community. And okay a bit of semen on a teenage boy’s sheets was hardly going to shock anyone, but they’d found gay porn in my room as well. I was a minor. Who do you think people would listen to? I know Allie and Polly are great but they’re not typical, you must know that. You know how the world works - even now, a lot of people would side with my parents.”
He feels Ben slump against him, can feel the frustration coming off him in waves and rests his cheek against his head.
“For a week, my mother got me up at five and we prayed until seven, then after breakfast I was allowed a two-minute shower, with her present, and that was about as much fun as having teeth pulled, and then she would drive me to school. I had to give up track and chess club and she picked me up from school. After my homework was finished I could pray until dinner time. After my chores, I could read the bible in the study until they let me go to bed. On the floor of my bedroom.”
Out of breath and trembling from the memory, he reaches for his cup and finishes the last of his tea.
“What happened?” Ben prompts, his voice low and tense.
Alex shrugs.
“I was seventeen and my hormones were running riot, regardless of the situation. I had a wet dream and when I woke up, I panicked. I didn’t know what to do.” He takes a deep breath and reaches his right arm around Ben’s chest, and begins to unsnap the cuff, aware Ben is holding his breath. “I went into the bathroom, took a blade out of my father’s razor and slashed my wrist.”
The cuff falls away, exposing pale skin across which runs a jagged, bumpy scar, lined either side by the symmetrical dots of suture scars. The skin nearest his hand is inflamed from the cuff being twisted.
“I dropped the blade and when I bent to pick it up, got dizzy and hit my head on the door and woke Matt up – “
“Thank God,” Ben runs his finger along the scar.
“Even though I went the wrong way to do the job properly, I’d gone deep and there was blood everywhere. He managed to get a towel around it while screaming at my parents to call 911; I passed out for a while.”
“What did they say at the hospital?”
“I didn’t go to the hospital.”
Ben pulls away and turns to face Alex.
“Remember, our doctor was on the Church council. My father called him and he came straight away and stitched me right up. Don’t know how he managed to organize blood but he did.”
“Alex, you were seventeen, that’s abuse of a minor at best, reckless endangerment, God knows what else.” Distress drives Ben to his feet, dragging his hands through his hair as Alex can see him trying to make sense of what he’s hearing.
“Ben, you promised you’d let me finish. I was out of it for a while so most of what happened next I know from what Matt’s told me and what I’ve pieced together. When Doctor Peters left, Matt told our parents that I’d be sleeping in his bed with him for the rest of the night and that they had until lunch time to put back my bed and door and that there would be no conversion camps. And that if they didn’t do what he was asking he would go to the police and lay charges for abuse – even if he couldn’t make them stick, it would make their lives uncomfortable for a while if only because of the questions around why they hadn’t called an ambulance and taken me to hospital.”
“And that was it? They just gave in?”
“Of course not. They gave me back my bed and my door - I think they got a fright, there was a lot of blood. The fighting went on for several days. In the end my mother screamed that I couldn’t stay under her roof and Matt told her that if I left, he would leave too. And that they’d never see him again. He was starting his third year at cooking school and it would have meant dropping out, but he was serious. So, when he went out I made my own bargain with them. I would resist my urges so to speak, if they would just let Matt and I stay. I told them they could inspect my room regularly if they needed to, that I would pray with them if that was what it took, and that I would lead a life of purity if they would just let us stay.”
Ben’s drops to the couch with a shocked grunt.
“The thing I don’t get though, Alex, is why? Why do you still see them? Why you still have contact with them.”
Alex drags his hand through his hair; he doesn’t know how to explain this.
“My brother was prepared to give up his dreams for me, the least I could do was make sure he didn’t have to. As soon as the stitches were out I bought a cuff and I’ve worn it ever since. I don’t regret the promise. I did my best to keep it, but as soon I could afford to leave home I traded purity for discretion. And maybe some of it has been a way to punish myself, I don’t know. It’s just I’ve always felt guilty about, you know, any of it.”
“Do you still feel guilty?” Ben asks.
“Sometimes. But not about us.”
Ben looks up and Alex’s eyes fill with tears.
“Sometimes I get panic attacks. On Friday before you picked me up, I spent most of the morning racing for the bathroom and in the afternoon I threw up twice. Today, my stomach has been in knots.”
“I thought something was wrong when we stopped for chicken but you didn’t say anything so I didn’t want to ask,” Ben says turning the cuff over in his hands.
“If you’ve changed your mind, I understand” Alex asks, reaching for it.
“What?”
“If you’ve changed your mind about me, I understand.”
“Oh, baby,” Ben says, cupping Alex’s face, “I told you, nothing would change my mind.”
He turns Alex’s wrist over and raises it to his lips to kiss the scar.
“I get why you wear this but I’m not ashamed of you and you shouldn’t be either. You were a kid and people who were supposed to protect you pushed you into a corner. This isn’t your fault.” Being careful with the raw skin, he buckles the cuff back around Alex’s wrist.
Alex lets out a shaky breath and rests his head against Ben’s shoulder; leans in when Ben wraps his arm around his shoulders and pulls him in closer.
For the first time that he can remember, he feels safe.