It was way too early for me to be awake and anywhere on a Sunday. But because it was the monthly Allen Family Sunday Brunch at my oldest brother Jack’s house, I had to make an exception. He was married to Avery, technically a nurse practitioner, but I liked to think of her as a real-life Mary Poppins. She was the one who came up with this brilliant idea of bringing the family together more often. And since Jack was pussy-whipped, of course he made me and my other brother, Trevor, fall in line with him.
I was still bitter about it but there was at least one…no, make that two silver linings when it came to having brunch at Jack and Avery’s house. And it came in the shape of twin girls, my nieces, Isabelle and Annabelle. They were four and a half years old and were the greatest things ever. Because to them, I was the greatest Uncle ever.
As of this morning, it was a coin toss as to whether I would show up at brunch today. But I kind of needed the distraction. I couldn’t just sit around and wonder whether or not Daphne would show up later tonight. Not only had Adam already text me once to see if she would be there or not, but Oliver had also sent me two texts wondering what was going on too. And then just now as I was trying to enjoy this perfect Spring New York City morning, strolling down Central Park West, my cellphone buzzed with another message from Oliver. This time I knew he was super angry with me because I couldn’t understand a goddamn word he texted.
Oliver: I got the wog, so stop playing sillybuggers, mate.
Since I didn’t speak Crocodile Dundee, I figured texting him back a simple reply would cover all my bases.
Me: Ok
It must have worked because he didn’t text me again. Good thing too, since I had finally arrived at Jack and Avery’s place. I could tell I arrived not only because I obviously knew where the fuck my brother lived, but because I could hear Isabelle and Annabelle belting out “Fancy,” by Iggy Azalea at the top of their lungs from halfway down the block. And the closer I got to their front door, the more mangled the lyrics were between the two of them. What was even better was how the large windows that anchored the main bay window of their brownstone were wide open so that anyone and everyone walking within a stone’s throw could hear my nieces butcher the fuck out of that song.
When I hopped up the concrete steps that led to their front door, I could hear my brother Jack yelling at the top of his lungs, “Turn that shit down!”
This was followed by the music being lowered to a normal volume. Then Avery could be heard clear as a bell from their front room with the windows open dressing down my brother for the millionth time about his cursing.
“Honey, please they’re like little sponges. When I picked up the girls at daycare last week, their teacher told me that when they want to go to the bathroom, they say, ‘I need the crapper.’ So please be mindful of what you say around them.”
I was still laughing when I finally rang the doorbell to their house. Then like a stampede of baby cattle, my nieces could be heard running towards the door. They were already shouting out my name over and over again before the door was opened.
“Uncle Max is here! Uncle Max is here!”
They were jumping for joy at my arrival. God, how awesome would it be if everywhere I went people would jump for joy because I showed up? Yeah, that’d be pretty cool. Until then, I’d have to settle for my nieces being super excited to see me.
They seemed to be so hopped up on sugar or something, because they wouldn’t stop bouncing up and down like jumping jellybeans. So I bent down and scooped them up, one in each arm and carried them further into the foyer, closing the door behind me with my foot.
“Yay! We’re flying!” one of them yelled. Followed by the other one shouting, “More, higher, Uncle Max!”
I had been adjusting my grip to pull the twins up to my shoulders when Avery turned the corner and came into view. “Ladies, what did I tell you about letting Uncle Max walk completely inside the house before climbing all over him like a tree?”
Whichever one of them was slung under my right arm, answered, “I don’t know, my brain is upside down, Mommy.”
Then the one under my left arm chimed in with, “Mommy, I can rhyme things with brain. Same, name, pain, lame—”
“Very good, Annabelle,” Avery praised. “And if Uncle Max would be so kind as to put you both down on your feet, we can get on with brunch.”
I knew better than to ask if they were waiting on me to eat, because of course they were. And of course I was the last one to arrive, because I always was the last one to arrive. Just like I was always the first one to leave. The best thing about having fun with my nieces was being able to leave and go to my place afterwards.
Setting my nieces down carefully in front of me, they both had to brush their long dark brown hair off of their faces to actually see me. I was surprised at how much it had grown since I last saw them. To the point that if they tried hard enough, they could probably audition for the role of Rapunzel sooner than later.
“Come on, Uncle Max, everyone’s waiting for you,” Annabelle said.
“Yeah, you’re late, Uncle Max,” Isabelle added.
“You’re not late, Max,” Avery said, coming closer and reaching up on her tiptoes to give me a kiss hello on the cheek. “You’re right on time.”
I could feel a tug on my left. Looking down, I found Isabelle holding onto the sleeve of my jacket, her big brown eyes full of wonder at how tall I must seem to her. My nieces sometimes had a way of making me feel like the ruler of the Lilliputians with how tiny they were. I had an inkling that the older and bigger they got, I would think of them as little people no matter what.
“Daddy and Uncle Trevor said you’re stupid late,” Isabelle said.
Annabelle reached across me and smacked Isabelle’s hand. “You’re a tattle tale! I’m going to tell Daddy and Uncle Trevor!”
She ran off before Isabelle could retaliate. But as Isabelle started to run after her, she yelled, “You’re a tattle tale too!”
Avery and I were left in the foyer in blessed silence. “The sweet sounds of silence,” I said to her and she smiled faintly.
“One day, Max, you’re going to realize that that sound of kids losing their minds, is the best sound there is.”
“Avery, you poor thing. You’ve obviously lost your mind,” I said and she laughed a little. Peeking carefully around the corner of the foyer into their family room, I asked in a whisper, “Are the parentals here?”
“No, they couldn’t make it this time. They had some fruit delivered though, which was nice.”
My parents…I wouldn’t even know where to start with them. They were the most self-centered, snobby pair of people I had ever met. They basically couldn’t give a fuck about any of us. Actually it worked out that they barely showed themselves anymore. They made us all feel uncomfortable. Except for Avery. My parent’s lack of respect, lack of humility, lack of manners, and overall lack of human kindness towards Avery never seemed to bother her. I always thought that they would have preferred to see Jack marry someone who had money as their middle name or it was just that they were that much of a couple of stuck-up assholes. Either way, they would not be missed by anyone here today I bet.
“Where’s the bacon?” I asked at the threshold of the kitchen.
“What’s up, jackass,” came from Trevor at the same time Jack answered with, “Hey loser.”
“Hi, Max.” Veronica came over and gave me a kiss hello on the cheek. More than I could say for my own brothers, who went back to talking to each other while prepping some food. She looked me over with a furrowed brow and then asked, “You look tired? Were you out again last night?”
“No, not last night. I’m actually heading out later tonight, though, to some new place in Chelsea to film a segment.”
“Oh, my old neck of the woods. Maybe I can get your brother to take me out for a little bit and we’ll come meet you.” She called out to get Trevor’s attention. “Hey Trev, Max is taping a segment tonight by my old apartment at...wait, what’s the name of the place, Max?”
Instantly, I knew that it would be a bad idea in case Daphne did show up tonight. Last thing I needed was Trevor being himself and making my life miserable in front of anyone, much less someone who I needed working with me, not against me.
“I don’t know the name of the club off the top of my head, but I can text it to you later,” I lied having not even one half of an iota of an intention in me to do any of that. “So what the fuck is going on around here today? Anything exciting?”
“Max, please,” Avery warned in a motherly voice.
“What? The girls aren’t even in here.” Looking around the big kitchen to make sure, I asked Jack, “Are we at least having real food today? None of that vegan bullshit, right?”
“Max, how many times do we have to go over this, man? Whatever the wife wants, the wife gets. And if she wants some vegan food, then guess what?”
“I guess that means that the rest of us are shit out of luck then.”
“No, that’s not what it means, smart ass—sorry honey, but he just gets the better of me every single time.” Jack was exasperated with me in general, already, and I had only been there a few minutes. And then if you tacked on the whole trying not to curse thing, I could tell that he was losing whatever little patience he had left in him. He ran a hand through his hair and sighed so loudly, I was certain that the neighbors heard him. “It means I make some food for my wife and some for everyone else like usual. And yes, before you open up that stupid mouth of yours to complain again, I’m making bacon just for you.”
“It’s not like I’m the only one who likes bacon,” I grumbled. “Jeez, everyone needs to fucking relax around here.”
“That’s your third warning, Max,” Avery said with a motherly soft tone, gliding around the kitchen island with grace. She didn’t even bat an eyelash when she told me, “If I have to put you in time out, I will.”
Everyone started to laugh. So did I because I couldn’t even get annoyed or mad at her little warning. She was that nice and cool, and I knew her heart was in the right place. Plus, Avery was the closest thing I had in my life to what a real mom was supposed to be. She mother henned all of us a little bit here and there. And Jack, yeah, I gave him shit over how pussy whipped he was most of the time. But the truth of it was that they were perfect for each other and they were raising two amazing kids who I adored. So I could cut Avery some slack. Don’t get me wrong; I still loved to annoy her sometimes like I did with my brothers. But that’s the way I was with my family. And plus, they usually dished that shit right back at me anyways so it was even in the end.
“Stop being such a dick,” Trevor said as soon as Avery turned a corner to check on the girls. “What crawled up your ass and died today?”
“Just stressed with work. And I’m not being any more of a dick than I usually am.”
“So there’s an actual limit of dickiness that you measure yourself against every day?” he asked.
“No, that’s not what I meant. Never mind.”
“Dude, seriously, what is up with you?” Jack asked. “You know I can’t even fucking curse in my own house. Why the fuck do you come in here all cocky and shit thinking my wife is going to let you get away with it?”
“You just cursed,” I told him.
“Yes, and that’s because,” he cut himself from saying anything else. Jack looked around the kitchen, over each of his shoulders, and then went to poke his head in the walk-in pantry to make sure Avery wasn’t hiding anywhere. Veronica and Trevor were trying not to laugh, but she started to giggle and then he followed right behind her. Jack went on in a whisper, “It’s because she’s not here to hear me. Pick your battles, man. You’ll learn as soon you fall in love and have to make some sacrifices.”
It was my turn to laugh hysterically.
The thought of making sacrifices, sure, I got that. Because it made total sense that’s what a true partnership was…and a good marriage like Jack and Avery’s was like that. But the idea that I would be falling in love with any woman, ever, was so spectacularly funny to me. It just wasn’t something I wanted or needed for that matter. I loved my life the way it was. There would be no sacrifices from me, if I had anything to say about it.
Later, after brunch was served and we were full up to our ears with good food, and I was about to leave, Avery approached me one last time.
“Get some rest and take care of yourself, Max.” She reached up to kiss my goodbye.
“Are you saying that as my sister-in-law or as a doctor?” I teased.
“I’m not a doctor, but close enough so my safe answer is, I’m saying it as both your sister-in-law and a nurse practitioner. And promise you’ll come by and visit more often, the girls love seeing you.”
“I promise,” I told her with a smile that I could feel spreading across my face like a rash.See, I could never be mad at my sister-in-law. She was the most genuine and nicest person I’ve ever met. Made me wonder what she saw in my brother Jack. But I knew better than to even joke around with that kind of question to her.
One day, maybe I’ll be that lucky, I thought to myself as I walking out of their house and down their concrete steps.
And then I laughed and laughed, because who was I kidding.